GreenEyedLady Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Another thing I noticed is such people who hide in the shadows (even if they claim to be coming into the light) won't answer questions to their activities and those who do answer won't be honest. This is why you may not get an answer. This is why I know a lot of other people are avoiding my comments about the more horrifying side effects of adultery. DNR People who hide in the shadows probably don't want to give out TMI on the internet. You never know who is reading. I suggest to everyone to only give out what information is necessary. Besides no one has to answer anyone's questions, just like everyone picks and chooses the advice they take. The other reason is that this forum affects your R, bottom line. The less you talk about your personal situation, the happier you are. That's what I found out from experience. When I was in it, I posted little about my personal situation. I had made friends o nthe forum, that are still dear friends now and pm'd then when I needed advice or support that I didn't want broadcasted on the forum. It has little to do with honesty. Some people just want their privacy. GEL
noforgiveness Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Sorry, I was actually talking tongue in cheek. Although I stand by my belief that some marriages have survived because of an affair. I knew you were and thought it was a great post.
Author NoIDidn't Posted July 30, 2008 Author Posted July 30, 2008 It does take a lot of guts to come on here and post about being someone's dirty little secret. But if someone felt it was such a shameful secret that they couldn't share it AT ALL, then they need WAY more help than the support and criticism that an online forum provides. I am not proud of being the OW. But even still the personal benefits are WAY more than the shame that I feel over certain aspects. They just aren't always overshadowing the pain of it. And the pain does NOT come from a moral place. I have been to counseling and was told the same thing, BUT it isn't true for me at least. The pain comes from being part of an unbalanced, unhealthy relationship. It is personal, not moral. ~99 Oh, I agree. But I have never called anyone a "dirty little secret". I don't think anyone should have to live with an overbearing shame. I lived with a shame that I didn't deserve for much of my life until, so I am very sensitive to shame. I now see that others not privy to that part of my history may not understand why I posted that I would never tell. But you are right that I need more help with that than a forum could help with. Definitely. And I did get professional help from a therapist. So I probably would tell my therapist, that I pay to be objective and non-judgmental. And I agree with the personal, not moral pain thing too. I really try not to bring morality into things like this. Somethings are just not beneficial to me regardless of the morality surrounding my decision. Unfortunately, I am a very curious person, but I wasn't trying to pick anyone's brain this time. Thanks, 99. I appreciate your answer, too.
Billie63 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I knew you were and thought it was a great post. Thank you very much!
wildsoul Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I've always believed OW and less so OM are a valued part of society. The OW is often the glue that binds the marriage even if the wife doesn't know the OW exist. I'm shocked when I hear people say things like this. That kind of glue is more like those sticky traps to catch mice and rats. How can you equate that with the kind of glue that is forced from love? Wow. Just wow.
noforgiveness Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I'm shocked when I hear people say things like this. That kind of glue is more like those sticky traps to catch mice and rats. How can you equate that with the kind of glue that is forced from love? Wow. Just wow. She was being sarcastic and saying all the excuses we have heard the ow mutter time and time again.
wildsoul Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I'm shocked when I hear people say things like this. That kind of glue is more like those sticky traps to catch mice and rats. How can you equate that with the kind of glue that is forced from love? Wow. Just wow. [The editor function wouldn't let me ammend this to my post.] PS: I just read your part about it being tongue in cheek. Sound a little more like foot-in-mouth since your actual meaning was different than your words. Very well then. I'm leaving my comment in place though, because that is how I feel to people that do believe what you said.
Lizzie60 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 She was being sarcastic and saying all the excuses we have heard the ow mutter time and time again. How are we suppose to know when posters are serious or just being sarcastic.. ???
Lyssa Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 There's another thread that mentioned what it says about people that use sarcasm. I find that thread VERY insightful. If only some people learn something from that thread.
Tomcat33 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I would like to think that we are all adults here, but your response was little more than a rehash of the past and not even an accurate one. No, it's accurate. My posts have been far more open-minded than you would ever be willing to give me credit for. So, its unfortunate that you are unable to respond to what is actually written than to take the opportunity to rehash previous posts or previous perceptions of those posts. As you displayed in this thread I think not. Your thoughts are still comming across condescending and underhanded not just by my observation but by many others'. Again, you asked. I know you won't accept this answer, but I really appreciate your answer to my question. I am certainly able to take the truth of another's perception. I saw nothing brutal about what was posted. Its how you feel. Again, I am not the only one that saw it this way, BUT in your credit NoIdidn't just because a lot of people see something some way it does NOT make it so. I can attest that I DO NOT adhere to that concept, since more often than not I tend to have views that don't follow the massses' views. My conviction will be consistent despite collective resistence. That's not to say I cannot be flexible but some things I am not flexible on. But I will say, those that didn't acknowledge the apology have revealed far more about their own motivations than anything that they can claim about mine. You included. Apology? A drunken husband that beats up his W apologizes too when he sobers up, is she supposed to take the abuse because his black eyes are ususally followed with "I am sorry if I hurt you?" How about don't hurt me instead? "Me" as in the beaten up wife, your thread didn't hurt me presonally because I HONESTLY give a rat's azz what people think of me AND my story, I have posted enough gory details here to support that. But it's interesting to see the same kinds of messages being put out under the guise of "I didn't realise I was being offensive" Ok granted maybe you didn't but the only reason I brought up your past track record is that since you did apologize and some don't buy it, it is because of your track record that's all. I was not trying to rehash anything I was explaining to your why some people have a hard time accepting your so called "apology". I understand how my initial post was taken as insulting a little better now, but that certainly doesn't excuse the rudeness displayed by some of the *offended* responders. Cool I'm glad you are able to see that you did come accross insulting in the way you conveyed your thought. And yes we are all grown ups so really we don't need to be pointing that out to you NoIdidn't Still haven't answered my question: What makes you assume OP's don't give themselves credit?
Owl Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 When I read the intial post on this thread, I got the "if you are willing/able to admit what you're going through and talk about it, you're a better person than me" message out of it. I didn't really note any "hidden agenda" in it. I'll also admit that it wasn't aimed at me, so it would be easier for me to miss in that case if there was one. NID has come back and apologized for the potential "mixed message".... What's left to fight over?
noforgiveness Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 When I read the intial post on this thread, I got the "if you are willing/able to admit what you're going through and talk about it, you're a better person than me" message out of it. I didn't really note any "hidden agenda" in it. I'll also admit that it wasn't aimed at me, so it would be easier for me to miss in that case if there was one. NID has come back and apologized for the potential "mixed message".... What's left to fight over? lol who knows. And a round and round we go...
Tomcat33 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 And a round and round we go... That's what you get when you start thead like these! They serve no other purpose. We are all adults and we more than know that by now.
herenow Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I think when a BW starts a thread, sometimes people take offense when none is intended just because of the source. I recently started a thread just for the sake of conversation and it quickly became a thread about how I'm not happy and I should blame my H instead of the OW. Fact is, I didn't really think about how the subject matter would be taken before I posted. I apologized, but no matter what there are always a few OW who think that if it comes from me, it has to be insulting to them. Luckily, most don't feel that way and there have been some very interesting conversations between OW and BW lately.
whichwayisup Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 These threads start out innocently and some give great replies, but eventually it turns ugly and lines get drawn in the sand, which just pins people against eachother. Again, even if the OP's post meant no harm, by the end of it there is harm done.
Terminator Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I wouldn't tell a soul. Anywhere. Period. While I don't respect or condone what an OW is doing, you have bigger cahones than you give yourselves credit for if you are posting about it here in this forum. I couldn't handle the disapproval for doing something that I know or feel to be wrong (for those that don't feel what they are doing is wrong, this doesn't really apply to you). I don't do well having my own medicine given back to me. Eating crow is an especially unpleasant meal. For those that are attempting to end the A, kudos and good luck. You obviously have more strength than you know of. And you aren't afraid to ask for help even though you may be harshly criticized here for the kind of help you need here. Although I do like the idea of having less laundry.... Let me paraphrase that - If I was a BS I wouldn't tell a SOUL. Anywhere. Period. I would be too humiliated to think that anyone would know my H found some other woman more attractive, more desirable than me, to the point he was willing to risk everything he had with me to have an affair.
whichwayisup Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 So, you're one who probably would blame the BS for the CS choosing to cheat. Like the BS pushed the spouse to cheat and he/she had NO choice BUT to cheat..
Terminator Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 So, you're one who probably would blame the BS for the CS choosing to cheat. Like the BS pushed the spouse to cheat and he/she had NO choice BUT to cheat.. Never said anything to imply that at all. I was just paraphrasing the original post so the OP could see how it looked from the other point of view, as she was wondering why some posters found it insulting.
Owl Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Never said anything to imply that at all. I was just paraphrasing the original post so the OP could see how it looked from the other point of view, as she was wondering why some posters found it insulting. What's the point? The OP has apologized for the insult regardless. Why drag this on?
Tomcat33 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 What's the point? The OP has apologized for the insult regardless. Why drag this on? Well what is there to discuss in this thread? Please explain.
jj2007 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Well what is there to discuss in this thread? Please explain. Well, if you see nothing to discuss in this thread, you don't have to reply. It's that simple.
Tomcat33 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Well, if you see nothing to discuss in this thread, you don't have to reply. It's that simple. Well I'm not the one complaining that this is going on and on, am I? OWL asked some questions. I took note of them.
bentnotbroken Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Let me paraphrase that - If I was a BS I wouldn't tell a SOUL. Anywhere. Period. I would be too humiliated to think that anyone would know my H found some other woman more attractive, more desirable than me, to the point he was willing to risk everything he had with me to have an affair. I wasn't humiliated, I am not the one with that character flaw. I told everyone who asked and emailed others. Had no intention of helping him hide his crap. He got the drama he was looking for. I hope it's there when he needs it, because ow isn't.
Terminator Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 What's the point? The OP has apologized for the insult regardless. Why drag this on? Sorry, I just got here and only read the first page before posting. Didn't realize the rules said I had to read it ALL first. Are you a mod ?
Terminator Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I wasn't humiliated, I am not the one with that character flaw. I told everyone who asked and emailed others. Had no intention of helping him hide his crap. He got the drama he was looking for. I hope it's there when he needs it, because ow isn't. Thank you, you ( and others) have proved my point about paraphrasing the OP.
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