jjwest69 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 [COLOR=#4d4d4d]I broke nc and emailed my seperated wife and step son, I told her that i was sorry for the bad language and sorry that i went off on her and i said that i missed her and her son and i wanted to see if they where both Ok and doing good.I then said that it was hard and love hurts and i would like to meet fo a coffee and talk. She texted me today, 2 days later and stated-"I am hesitant to talk because u keep getting angry. I know its hard, but i need consistancy from you. So i called her to night and said -"I just wanted to meet you to tell you that i was sorry for the the bad language the other week, that i was just morning and healing the action of you seperating form me and and i think it is normal and i did not have any control then, I told her i respect and except your decision to seperate and i would like you to have no contact with me so i can have space to myself to get togeather. She said straight up -"I thaught you where in no contact with me anyway. She said I herd your parents are angry and she asked if they where. i said that they are what they are i dont know..and i told her i had to go and said goodby.... I am now shaking and think i have done the wrong thing and i have pushed her further away.I,m not sure what to feel sad or happy i have done this?????Do i have the upper hand or has this made her hate me more.Should I now forget her, that was my plan?[/COLOR]
Ladyjane14 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 When you're not in control of your emotions... then your emotions are in control of YOU. If you lost control, then it's only right that you have the integrity to admit it and apologize. In a quick peek at your other thread, I noticed that some folks had pointed out that you were operating counter to your goal by going NC. IOW, your goal is to get back together, but instead of pursuing it... you're doing the exact opposite. You never want to beg or plead, of course. That only pushes somebody further away. But you can't hide your agenda and still be an honest man. Games are NOT attractive. So, if you want to open the lines of communications... be true to what you want. Just keep a lid on your temper and remember that the Good Lord gave you TWO ears, but just ONE mouth. So, make sure you're doing some listening. Hopefully, if you're following along closely to what she's telling you, you'll be able to better define and address the problems.
Author jjwest69 Posted July 30, 2008 Author Posted July 30, 2008 I have thaught this in my mind aswell, that I might be pushing her to far away now, when I want her back. The only problem is now that I told her again that i did not want to see her and to leave me alone, how do i then approach to try to talk, she will think i,m going crazy when i just told her the opposite.**** what have i done...
Ladyjane14 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I have thaught this in my mind aswell, that I might be pushing her to far away now, when I want her back. The only problem is now that I told her again that i did not want to see her and to leave me alone, how do i then approach to try to talk, she will think i,m going crazy when i just told her the opposite.**** what have i done... Maybe you could tell her that you DO want to talk, but that you're just not ready for BIG RELATIONSHIP TALK yet... that you need some time to get your thoughts together properly, but that you'd still like to meet for a coffee, and some smalltalk, and see how she and your stepson are doing. (????)
Author jjwest69 Posted July 30, 2008 Author Posted July 30, 2008 Should i call her again and tell her this or just email her and wait for a response? I hope i,m doing the right thing....I also am thinking, that I am not playing games I just want my wife to see light in me again and want her to come back to me, and make her see what we had was great. Does nc give me that chance or should i approach her like a man and deal with it straight up. If she rejects this i guess it is really over and i can move on..
TrustInYourself Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Your post title says it all. Any perception of control is just an illusion. Take firm control of your emotions. Deal with them. Don't bottle them up and hide them. Face the pain and fear and the anger. It's hard and it takes time. That's why it's important to be ready for yourself, before you contact the wife extensively. Keep in mind, there are a number of things you have to prepare yourself to accept during a separation. She may not come back. She may be with another man. You have no control over her decisions or actions. The only person you should be concerned with is yourself. Master your emotions. Master yourself. Grow and learn as much as you can while she's away. This is a perfect time for physical, spiritual, emotional growth. Take advantage of this time to improve and build on the man that your wife married. Find yourself again. Best of luck and best wishes.
TrustInYourself Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Should i call her again and tell her this or just email her and wait for a response? I hope i,m doing the right thing....I also am thinking, that I am not playing games I just want my wife to see light in me again and want her to come back to me, and make her see what we had was great. Does nc give me that chance or should i approach her like a man and deal with it straight up. If she rejects this i guess it is really over and i can move on.. This takes time. As I said before, most likely your emotions are going to dominate any conversation that doesn't go your way. You are going to have to recognize some of the reasons that contributed to your situation. What was your personal role and how did your actions and reactions contribute to this situation. It's a time for reflection. This is why NC works so well. It allows you wife to heal, allows you to think and grow as a person, and it puts everything on pause. You have to be careful about communication so early in a separation. Addressing problems in the marriage or issues that contributed to the separation is going to bring up the very reasons she left and make her feel like her actions were validated. Right now, play it cool. She got your apology. Now make every oppurtunity count when she contacts you. Be smooth, happy, easy-going, and understanding. Right now your focus is on recognizing how you need to change to seriously get the upper hand in the situation. By taking control of your life and your emotions.
Ladyjane14 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Should i call her again and tell her this or just email her and wait for a response? I hope i,m doing the right thing....I also am thinking, that I am not playing games I just want my wife to see light in me again and want her to come back to me, and make her see what we had was great. Does nc give me that chance or should i approach her like a man and deal with it straight up. If she rejects this i guess it is really over and i can move on.. What do you have to lose that's not already lost? That said, if you go in talking instead of listening... she's going to hand you your head. You can't "make her see" anything anyway. All you can do is put your best foot forward and hope she's observant enough to notice. Oh.. and one last thing, don't hang all your aspirations up on one cup of coffee, man. That's too much pressure. It took some time to get into this mess, so it only stands to reason that it would take time to get out of it. If she says 'no', she says 'no'. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try again another day.
TrustInYourself Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 What do you have to lose that's not already lost? That said, if you go in talking instead of listening... she's going to hand you your head. You can't "make her see" anything anyway. All you can do is put your best foot forward and hope she's observant enough to notice. Oh.. and one last thing, don't hang all your aspirations up on one cup of coffee, man. That's too much pressure. It took some time to get into this mess, so it only stands to reason that it would take time to get out of it. If she says 'no', she says 'no'. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try again another day. Beautifully put. You get enough kudos as it is, LJ!
Author jjwest69 Posted July 30, 2008 Author Posted July 30, 2008 Your post title says it all. Any perception of control is just an illusion. Take firm control of your emotions. Deal with them. Don't bottle them up and hide them. Face the pain and fear and the anger. It's hard and it takes time. That's why it's important to be ready for yourself, before you contact the wife extensively. Keep in mind, there are a number of things you have to prepare yourself to accept during a separation. She may not come back. She may be with another man. You have no control over her decisions or actions. The only person you should be concerned with is yourself. Master your emotions. Master yourself. Grow and learn as much as you can while she's away. This is a perfect time for physical, spiritual, emotional growth. Take advantage of this time to improve and build on the man that your wife married. Find yourself again. Best of luck and best wishes. Thanks for the advise
Ladyjane14 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 You're not exactly chopped liver yourself there, Grasshopper. We both said "it takes time" at the exact same posting time, 12:46. :bunny:
Author jjwest69 Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 I sent her the email after I told her I dont want to speak with her for awhile. Looks stupid on my side, I guess if you play games it doesn,t work...Its only been 2 days but she hasn,t contacted me. I,m very sad because I now I keep digging holes and pushing her away, when I am trying to get her back. I read and listen to so much advise it clouds my thaughts and when i take the actions to do something about it, I look back and say why did I do that....I love my wife and step son and I truly what her back. I,m trying very hard to be a better man and live my own life and become a better peron from this, but I do hope and prey she calls so we can aleast have contact.
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