Calling all BS and other experts,

[twice_shy]

I never cheated.. but speaking from my experience with my many MMs.. I would say that 'once a cheater, always a cheater'

 

I agree with this.

 

Women can remain faithful to the same man for life... no man can do that... IMO.

 

But not with this. I am living proof that you are wrong with that statement.

 

Sorry to burst your bubble. I know you want to think all men cheat to give you validation for what you do with MM. but the fact is, there are decent men who do not cheat and believe in love and committment.

 

I am one of them. However for me, the committment thing will not come easy in the future. As my handle says, once_bitten, twice_shy

[Chrome Barracuda]

Hey Astra's BS. I'm not any poster that would tell you to stay with a cheating woman because when a woman cheats it's worse for us as men because they give themselves emotionally and physically and we're left with the OM's sloopy seconds. We see them go through withdrawl crying about "the breakup" with a man who just nutted all over your wife and marriage. We deal with the Enabler friends and no class whores that our wives hang with and associate with.

 

..But as everyone on this board knows I tell the truth, blunt abrasive and harsh. 2X4 city!!!

 

As much as I want to say throw your wife out, kick her to the curb.

 

Has she been in NC, left her job, Recommitted to your marriage? And not been in any fog?

 

Then if that's the case it might be evident that since she's posted this I believe that she's very sincere in wanting your forgiveness, she seems very apologetic in wanting you to continue with her.

 

Not many women on this board after their affairs would recommit to the marriage much less go back with their husbands. Shoot many embrace the idea of cheating here thinking it's cool. that much is F-ing evident!!!!

 

But in the end if you still love your wife you could give her a second chance, going slow, learning it all over again. Some women can remain faithful...

 

it's up to you.

[twice_shy]

You find it sexist.. then the 'stats' ARE sexist..

 

Not talking about stats here, but rather your statement that NO man can remain faithful. that is YOUR opinion and it is sexist.

 

Especially when that opinion is absolutely not true. I know that for a FACT.

[twice_shy]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/

 

He isn't around much anymore, but this poster, DazednConfused, has alot of insight in his thread. In detail, he shares what he went through so hopefully you can get an understanding of what is going on inside your husband..

 

Unfortunately their marriage ended, but not before giving it their best shot.

 

He's happier now, and apparently so is she.

 

Then it wasn't so "unfortunate" after all. Exactly the opposite.

[Owl]

To Astra's H:

 

I'd like to make a couple of suggestions to you.

 

First off, I'm sorry that you've had a reason to have to come here. I've been there too...it was the most devestating thing I've been through.

 

Second...recovery takes TIME, and WORK. Realize that this is going to be a marathon...not a 100 meter sprint.

 

I'm sure you've figured out by now that your emotions are going to be on a rollercoaster ride. That's going to last quite some time, I'm sad to say. BUT...the good news is that it does tend to slow down some...the peaks get longer, the dips get shorter...

 

I'd suggest that you start a thread on the infidelity section in your own name...and post for advice from there.

 

I'd also suggest that you take a look for some good resources...take a look at the marriagebuilders website...there is a lot of good free information there you can use. Check out "His Needs/Her Needs", and "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley.

 

Post here...don't just read. It'll help more than you know.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I'm a man and I've been faithful lizzie.

 

The thing is I've been content with the women I was dealing with so that gave me no reason to cheat. also I have no energy to throw myself into any kind of relationship on the side. And all that energy into cheating and living a double life isnt worth it, you might as well be single if you cant be faithful. What's the point of cheating? the thrill, the rush, the forbidden fruit.

 

Please give me a break.

[whichwayisup]

True, but they did try to work it out - That's the point I wanted to make to Astra and her husband. I also don't want to discourage either of them from trying..

 

Here's DazednConfused (though posted as Dazed1) update last year.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t127083/

[cyabye]

We deal with the Enabler friends and no class whores that our wives hang with and associate with.

 

Ain't that the truth brotha!

 

C'YA BYE!

[silktricks]

You are going to be in pain for a long time. At time's you'll think it's not worth it. In fact, you may decide that for you it is not. That's a decision that only you can make. Staying is not the easy choice - leaving is. But staying may be the worthwhile choice for you.

 

You may find some help on boards such as this, you may not.

 

I do recommend a few things.

 

First, for your own long term peace of mind.. At least for awhile, don't take anything she says at face value. Check and doublecheck and triplecheck EVERYTHING. She has lied to your face and been with another man for an entire year. Lying is a difficult habit to break - but if you want to end up with a successful marriage it's one she MUST break.

 

You are going to be whipsawed by emotions. They will run the gamut from hatred to love. At times you'll want to kill both of them, at times you'll just be happy she decided she loved you enough to try to make things work. Keep in mind that this is NORMAL. You are not going crazy, though it does feel like it at times .

 

Another thing... fixing a marriage is not like fixing a sink. This takes time - lots and lots and lots of time. After a few months you'll feel like the pain will never end, that it's useless to keep on trying to fix a broken heart. Time does heal the pain. The intensity wanes. The memories of the lies fade. But even a year or two later - you'll be happily going along doing something and all of a sudden you'll feel like somebody just landed a 2 x 4 between your eyes and you'll remember something - something you haven't thought of previously - some experience you all of a sudden realize was a lie - something - and you'll need to deal with it right then and right there.

 

Now for the good news. It really is possible. The main reason I still post here on LS is to communicate that. It is possible to regain the love and the trust you once had. A lot of that, of course, will depend on Astra. She will need to be a rock. She must NEVER lie to you about ANYTHING - no matter how tiny, because a single lie will set you back to ground zero. She must be honest in ALL things. Whatever you ask, she must answer - truthfully - but not painfully. That's her side of the equation.

 

Your side of the equation is - be careful that you really want to know the answers. Do not ask a question you do not really truly want the answer to. Know when you ask it that the answer could break you. Be careful. Don't pretend that you've forgiven when really you haven't. Don't try to force a feeling that isn't there. You need to be honest as well. Honest with yourself and honest with Astra.

 

Don't think that because she did this it means that she doesn't love you, but also don't think it means she's indebted to you for the rest of her life or that she should feel bad forever. She needs to know there is an end in sight. She loves you or she wouldn't have stopped the affair and told you about it. Remember, she's in pain too, and she must know that the pain she is in will not continue forever.

 

What both of you need to do is work on the problems that brought about the cheating. Both of you need to take responsibilities for those problems. The cheating was Astra's fault - she can't put ANY of that on you - but the problems in the marriage - those are the fault of both of you. The marriage needs work.

 

Good luck

[troubadour]

Astra77, you are a smart woman. Opening this thread was such a clever move, it really was... I have to admit I am very impressed... was it Shakespeare who said... "Give the devil his due".

[jj2007]

Astra's H:

 

First off I want to tell you that I am sorry for the pain you are going through and you are not alone.

Welcome to the club no one wants to join. You probably feel like your world is crumbling around you. I know I sure did when I found out about my H's A.

Take some time to yourself and try to think about what you want in life, what makes you happy. Take things slow and think about what you want. If you decide you want a divorce then that is up to you.

If you decide you want to work on your M here are some things I suggest to you:

Any questions you have about the A ask and your W should be willing to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Ask as many questions as you need to and as many times as you need to.

 

Do feel good about the fact that your W came to you and came clean on her own. She was not forced to tell you because she got caught. That is a good thing. More than likely she feels regret and is sorry for what she did to you. But the question remains- why did she do it in the first place?

If you two want to work on your M, I would suggest that you two get to the bottom of why this A happened, or when the same problems arise because they were never addressed, it will happen again.

 

Don't listen to your W's words so much as watching her actions. Actions speak louder than words and if her feelings for working with you on her M are true, she will do anything in her power to prove it to you.

 

She should be an open book to you. When she had the A, she gave up her rights to privacy to you and if she wants this to work, she will understand that until you can trust her again, if ever.

 

You also might want to try Marriage Counseling.

 

It is a very long hard road but if you are both willing to put 100% into rebuilding your M it is worth it!

 

In my case, my H and I dealt with the things that broke down our M honestly and truthfully and we left no stone unturned. We learned how to communicate with each other better and I can honestly say that almost a year and a half since dday, we have a much happier, stonger, mutually fufilling M than we ever had before.

 

Good luck and many hugs! We are here for you!

[Jumbo]

If my XMW's H had visibility into what we shared, said, and did behind closed doors and a full extent of her lies to him...there would not be a snowballs chance in hell that he would stay....

 

What she said/did/and we shared, and what would drive him away is why i stayed...she made me feel like I was the one...in very sense of the word.

 

If I knew she was doing and saying those same things with him I would not have stayed....she told me that was not the case....in hind site I know she was most likely lying to me to get what she wanted.

 

So the moral of the story is people in affairs lie and manipulate to get to get what they want....for the record I was not married during my affair with a MW....and not that makes me any better, just a point.

 

What is confusing to me is the fact that someone can jump around so much in love...from one man or woman to another turn it on turn it off....leading OM/W and MM/W to believe they are the one...I think it is just they are trying to cut the best deal when they can or when they are backed into a corner.

 

So H be careful its all your call on what is in your heart...it will not be easy...love isn't easy or make always sense.

 

My MW left, she lied to me, to her H ( who she went back to) to many people...in the end I still miss her and love her..and would take her back. Mine walked away telling me she loved me not him...wonder what she told him?

 

Everyone's story is different...now its all about what you need...and will accept.

 

Not sure I fully by into the why she told H...yes there is the whole lets be honest thing that is admirable ...but could there be some part in elevating her guilt. If he was never going to find out and she was going to stop those actions for ever may not be best to tell....call me cynical but was it for future damage control?

[jj2007]

Astra's H:

 

JJ is right in that she did NOT have to come clean. She chose to on her own, and good for her! Your wife appears to care about you to the point where she would risk her own peace of mind by telling you the truth so that you could make a completely informed decision regarding your marriage.

 

Exactly!

 

Sorry small t/j:

Luv, I love your sig!

LOL!

[Terminator]

I was a little bewildered to see a thread titled "calling all BS" on an OW board - had to recheck I was in the right place.

 

Strange

[whichwayisup]

It isn't strange at all. She's asking for insight and help into BS's mind so she can try to understand what feelings and thoughts her husband is going through now.

[Terminator]

It isn't strange at all. She's asking for insight and help into BS's mind so she can try to understand what feelings and thoughts her husband is going through now.

 

You don't have boards just for BS on this site ?

[whichwayisup]

Obviously you've been around and know the deal on LS, otherwise you wouldn't have posed such a question.

 

Yes and no. There is a board for BS's and spouses who cheat (like if a MW or MM cheat, they're supposed to post in the same section as the betrayed spouses) so there is no one section just for BS's...Anyway the OP is an OW, she meant no harm by posing this question in this section, pretty sure everyone knows this too.

[porter218]

One last word of advice. As tempting as that butcher knife may look right now(trust me..I know) just put it down. Sitting in prison will not make you feel much better...well maybe a little while but not long.

[Terminator]

Obviously you've been around and know the deal on LS, otherwise you wouldn't have posed such a question.

 

Yes and no. There is a board for BS's and spouses who cheat (like if a MW or MM cheat, they're supposed to post in the same section as the betrayed spouses) so there is no one section just for BS's...Anyway the OP is an OW, she meant no harm by posing this question in this section, pretty sure everyone knows this too.

 

K, no foul, different setup is all.

[astra77]

It isn't strange at all. She's asking for insight and help into BS's mind so she can try to understand what feelings and thoughts her husband is going through now.

 

This is the exact reason for my post. Thanks WWIU.

 

And thank you to everyone for your support and feedback.