Jilly Bean Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Hi, D! I don't think he has someone else. I think he felt like an asshat when he told you he loved you, and you dismissed it with a hug. Rather than deal with it maturely, he chose to behave like a 10-year. "I like you" "Oh, I don't like you!" "Well, you're a doodie head anyway! I never liked you!" That was the translation. He was embarrassed, so he chose to distance himself from the situation, and strike out in anger. BUT, I do agree with many points made here. 1 - he is 28. I think as long as you date guys this young, you can expect this type of behavior. 2 - As Art said, I think with all you have on your plate, dating is the last thing you need to be dealing with. Continue to ignore him. Hopefully he wont show up at the folks house like a ranting lunatic...
loveinlife Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 I am having something similar to this... dating this girl, we had an agreement before about if one meets another let each other know.. then suddenly one night she slept over at her cousin's friends house with her cousin there(her story), i started to love this girl.. and now im having trust issues.. while her friends on myspace talks about how is that new guy... im like "?" when i read it and i asked her whats going on?... she told me that there isn't anything going on between them and that the her friends(girls) on myspace were just making fun of her.. so yeah thats my story.. she's mad at me for asking her whats going on with her and that guy... she believes that i don't trust her.. i don't want this relationship to end.. and its kinda on the rocks right now.. we'll see how it goes. sigh.. just when i started loving someone, its not going well. how are you doing D with all this going on?
Author D-Lish Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 I am having something similar to this... dating this girl, we had an agreement before about if one meets another let each other know.. then suddenly one night she slept over at her cousin's friends house with her cousin there(her story), i started to love this girl.. and now im having trust issues.. while her friends on myspace talks about how is that new guy... im like "?" when i read it and i asked her whats going on?... she told me that there isn't anything going on between them and that the her friends(girls) on myspace were just making fun of her.. so yeah thats my story.. she's mad at me for asking her whats going on with her and that guy... she believes that i don't trust her.. i don't want this relationship to end.. and its kinda on the rocks right now.. we'll see how it goes. sigh.. just when i started loving someone, its not going well. how are you doing D with all this going on? I'm sorry you are going through that! I don't feel much of anything about it now. I was mad at first... but now I just feel indifference about it. He was fun to hang with, and I enjoyed his company- but I was never going to love him- so in a way, this is a great excuse to just walk away. He called lat night at 2am and left me a drunken angry message about ignoring him. Pffft. Anyone that doesn't get that telling someone to shut the "f" up is probably going to get you ignored has issues.
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Or the person would like the chance to apologize to you and you are acting as badly as he did. That is why I am glad I have not met people like this. I'd won't want to deal with anyone. Yes he was stupid. Yes you had the right to be mad. Now, if he was anything of a friend to you, one thing that a mature person would at least do is hear that old friend out. Exchange there feelings. And then, if they want to move on with no contact, more than likely the other person will get that... Well at least that is what I have done since childhood. I guess I am one of the rare few like this. DNR
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 I am glad your not mad anymore though. And hopefully he will get smart and move on. There are a lot more people out there. DNR
torranceshipman Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Wow what a weirdo! Good on you D Lish, you responded perfectly! As for a FWB arrangement, I dont think thats why he responded badly - I've had a couple of great FWBs in the past, which were based on a close respectful friendship, where we cared about eachother but were 'between boyfriends/girlfriends' respectively...nice to snuggle up in front of a movie, be intimate, etc, with a friend who cares about you and knows you well. Sounds like this guy really liked DLish, knew she didnt feel the same and couldnt handle the rejection, thus turned into a whiney little girl.
CaliGuy Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Please, come! Kam and I would gladly show you around! OR, you both could come down here and I can show you around warm, SUNNY and FUN San-di-ego! Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffft. Hey, you could have come said hello to me in Monterey 'cept you blew me off (and not in a good way).
Author D-Lish Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 Or the person would like the chance to apologize to you and you are acting as badly as he did. That is why I am glad I have not met people like this. I'd won't want to deal with anyone. Yes he was stupid. Yes you had the right to be mad. Now, if he was anything of a friend to you, one thing that a mature person would at least do is hear that old friend out. Exchange there feelings. And then, if they want to move on with no contact, more than likely the other person will get that... Well at least that is what I have done since childhood. I guess I am one of the rare few like this. DNR I hear you DNR and appreciate your outlook on this- I have a great capacity for forgiveness. But in the course of his texts the other day he called me some pretty nasty names- I didn't even list everything he spewed at me.... Under different circumstances, I would be open to having a closing conversation- but not after the way he treated me. And his drunken 2am phone call last night wasn't friendly, it was angry. I don't wish to hear someone like that out- I feel like rewarding him with a conversation would only give him the impression that it was okay to be really mean to me. I have forgiven and accepted some bad behaviour from some of the men I have dated in the past- and it has never led to any healthy closure... In my opinion- the things he said were abusive, inexcusable and pretty hurtful. I know you are a man of integrity- and would never resort to the kind of anger and name calling he inflicted uon me. I can't forgive this one. I was really good to him throughout our affair. I think it's best I keep up with the NC. I don't feel I am acting as badly as he is by ignoring him and not giving him the opportunity to have further contact with me. I actually think it's a step in the right direction for me to put my foot down and have some respect for myself.... if that makes sense. But no, I am not mad anymore. I feel good about my decision.
Author D-Lish Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 OR, you both could come down here and I can show you around warm, SUNNY and FUN San-di-ego! Hey- maybe you're onto something! A beach and a sweet tour guide sounds mighty spectacular!
CaliGuy Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Hey- maybe you're onto something! A beach and a sweet tour guide sounds mighty spectacular! Bring it on I live about an 8 minute walk to the beach. We need an injection of great looking women down here. The ones we do have are, well, not exactly the kind you'd want to marry -- unless one is just as insane as they are. LOL
45Reverse Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 What I want to know is where you ladies find guys like this(???)
rosalie Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 What I want to know is where you ladies find guys like this(???) We don't set out to find em, really, we just do, sadly... d-lish from reading your post and replies you handled it perfectly with a rational and sane approach. You had every reason to feel annoyed when he went off for 4 days without telling you - FWB or not, he should still have the respect to let you know he was out of range for a few days, even without the I Love You thing, he should still let you know, that just makes it suck even more. It seems a very lame excuse to me. When I read your replies about what he said back to you -- all I could think of is Projection. It's his issue, not yours, I know that doesn't really help how you feel, just don't let him put his inadequacies on you. He's not mature or evolved enough to appreciate you. It's a cliche these days but "Don't waste the pretty"
Capricciosa Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 I guess the bigger question is why put all that energy into people we are never going to love. Attachments form over time, and habit, and expectations. He has truly acted like a jerk, but who knows what really triggered all that. Sounds like something that has nothing to do with you, just his own internal landscape full of landmines, like everyone else.
JohnnyBlaze Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 You're not wrong LD. I do date men that I know cannot hurt me. I honestly don't think I am capable of being my best self right now- but that doesn't mean I don't get lonley and want companionship.... so I take up with these kind of guys. D, nobody's their best self. Even the most vain, self-centered SOB out there can find something to improve on. Look for what you really want, and it'll just be a surprise bonus to the lucky fellow who does win your heart. If he's that into you now, when you do hit that point where you are at your best, it'll be that much better. Think of it like the first time you ever had a Cadbury Creme Egg. You look at it and say "hey, chocolate! I love chocolate!" You take that first bite, and it's confirmed...you're really digging this chocolate. But then, when you take the second bite and you get that creamy stuff inside, it was just "wow! I don't know what this stuff is, but D__N! Is it ever good!!". Same thing with you. You're already a catch as you are; any improvements are just icing. We don't set out to find em, really, we just do, sadly... Rosalie, for what it's worth, us guys are just as frustrated about that as you are! I go out to some pub on Bloor St., or hit the club district on Richmond, and, as a normal guy (...well, as normal as guys get ) I see complete morons who happen to know the right thing to say at the right time walk in and swoop up girls like D all the time. Ya know the guy's an idiot. Ya know she can do ten times better, and you know it's going to end badly for her and he won't care. But at that moment, there's nothing you can do or say to convince her. It's kind of like a train wreck; all you can do is stand clear and watch the inevitable.
imbewildered Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 You're not wrong LD. I do date men that I know cannot hurt me. I honestly don't think I am capable of being my best self right now- but that doesn't mean I don't get lonley and want companionship.... so I take up with these kind of guys. . And there is your problem in a nutshell. You date "safe" guys - or so you think. Your way of staying safe is to have a FWB connection and you mistakenly think that a small investment cannot hurt so badly if fails. What you have not realised is that the guy knows that you want all the benefits of being with someone WITHOUT officially commiting to be a 'girlfriend" . To a male, this is not how we see 'natural' women. Men hold the view that women pursue relationships and men chase sex. You are acting more like a man in this FWB arrangement. To a man, these FWB relationships mean very little really - sex is plentiful anywhere.. WE do NOT respect women in these relationships. WE are not invested and we are not committed to you. Do not expect G/f treatment or privileges. His snuggling up to you was revealing. Men do this ( extraordinary displays of affection ) when they are seeing someone else behind your back. The other posters and replies here are way off base - not a clue. HE freaked out because his is getting ready to branch swing and your questions felt like a vine wrapped around his leg pulling him back. THis 'relationship' was over a while ago but you did not know it. Do not get in another of these "safe" deals . They are minefields NOT places of comfort and low risk, as you found out..
havoc Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 You seem like a really nice person, and I think you did the right thing. You did nothing wrong in asking him why he didn't contact you, and he flipped out. Who cares why. You had only known one another for two months, and he called you names??!?? Told you to shut the F up?! Unacceptable. I know you were casual (and I won't bash you for that, as some have -- you were doing what felt right for you at the time), but this is someone you've known for a very short amount of time. That person, whether dating or making new friends, is on his best behavior in two months. Imagine what it would be like months or years down the line if he feels it's okay to talk that way to you now! You don't really know each other! I agree with what someone else said earlier -- he's a verbal abuser and it would be worse later. You are right to stop contact with him, no matter what the reason for his tirade. It's very telling that rather than leaving you a drunken apology at 2am he left but yet another angry message. Never talk to him again. Lose his number. Good luck!
loveinlife Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 I'm sorry you are going through that! I don't feel much of anything about it now. I was mad at first... but now I just feel indifference about it. He was fun to hang with, and I enjoyed his company- but I was never going to love him- so in a way, this is a great excuse to just walk away. He called lat night at 2am and left me a drunken angry message about ignoring him. Pffft. Anyone that doesn't get that telling someone to shut the "f" up is probably going to get you ignored has issues. Thanks D! Seems like you are handling this pretty well. I see how this person really got you to ignore him. The girl im dating and I treat each other really well and we don't say mean things to each other. Our problem came up when i questioned her and wanted to know the truth; i asked her in a nice and relaxed way. Right now it seems kinda depressing to lose someone whom i had so much in common with.. a slight hurt in my heart and a side step from the sync from our connection together. Im trying to make my day go a lil easier, this week i took 3 days off to refresh my mind to get over this minor depression.. I hope everything goes well for us. Thanks for Listening. -Love
Author D-Lish Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 THis 'relationship' was over a while ago but you did not know it. Actually, that is where you are wrong! The relationship was over in MY mind before it started. Both of us agreed from day one regarding that. I starting hanging out with him in the beginning knowing it wasn't going to go anywhere and that is what I wanted. I am perfectly fine with it ending- just not happy about HOW it ended. That's the real deal from the horses mouth. I have no doubt there was another woman involved and that is not what bothers me in the least. The only thing that bothers me is how he spoke to me. I had a pretty overwhelming heartbreak when my ex-husband knocked up another woman when we were married- allowing myself to become emotionally attached to anyone since then has been wasy too scary to even think about. But make no mistake in thinking I am an easy target. I choose the guys I date for a specific reason- that being that I won't ever end up feeling the way I did after I left my husband the day I found out he was going to be a "dad". So I have been taking up with guys where I know my heart will be safe. I am not sad about this ending. His last text was "I guess I blew it".... that was this morning. And he did blow it- because we had fun times and could have ended things with civility. But, I am not stupid- I think his repeated attempts to reach out in the aftermath have more to do with him feeling rejected than him having genuine feelings for me. Now that he thinks he can't have me- he is more interested, and that is all it is. Sure there is another woman- I think that's just a given in my mind. And I am not jealous or hurt or despondent about that. It just would have been way cooler to say "hey I met someone" . Some people disagree with FWB's arrangements, and other posters think it's fine. I happen to think it's fine when you know what you are getting into- and believe me... I did know and never once altered my belief to "it might actually work". I'm not ready to open my heart to the possibility of pain, and am therefore just not ready to love. But I also think that the one thing I have taken from this experience is that I don't want to date right now either. I'm taking a break.
Walk Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Sounds like his blow-out might result in a positive step toward working on yourself. I like your attitude towards the situation.
Lishy Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Dee, I think you are amazing! You have come through bad heartache and you are right not to allow 'just anyone' into your heart One day you will meet the guy for you and when you do your barriers will come down and you will know why you had to deal with the tossers in between! Don't listen to people being down on you, you know exactly what you are doing and your self esteem must be high to deal with this the way you have!!!!!!!!!!!!! You rock!!!!!!!!
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