I am furious with my new guy and dumped him

[D-Lish]

I have been seeing someone casually for a couple months. It's been an open, mutual relationship. We enjoy each other's company and have a lot of fun together. Both of us know we are not "couple" potential, and both of us have been fine with that.

 

The last couple weeks he began wanting to spend more time together- he introduced me to all his friends- they helped me move, we've been heading to the beach together and his friends and him have been hanging at my place quite a bit. It's been fun- just a chillin' sort of FWB thing.

 

Last weekend we all went out together and my guy had a couple beers in him and he leaned in, nuzzled into my neck and said "I love you, I don't want us to end". It sort of took me by surprise- but I just went with it and gave him a hug.

 

During the week I picked him up a bag and a pair of cool shoes with my vendor's permit (I get things wholesale).... and he had been wanting these items, so I picked them up for him. I didn't mind getting them for him because he has bought me some stuff and often pays when we go out. But that's getting off topic.

 

We spent a couple days together last week- and the last time I saw him was last Thursday.... we parted ways and he said he'd call me the next day. Well- I didn't hear from him at all since Thursday... and Today being Tuesday I began to think something was up. I texted him a quick "?" this morning ....and he responded back with a "??". Strange.

 

So I asked him why he didn't call me all weekend as I was worried about him (we have been talking and texting daily since we met - so there is a precedence there). He freaked out on me! He told me he had gone away for the weekend and didn't bring his phone and said he owed me no explanation.

 

Ok- that's fine- he does not owe me an explanation, we ARE NOT bf and gf. So I said back- "hey, you came back Sunday night, and you had your phone then.... a quick hi would have been cool". ANyway- that turned into a huge angry hurling of insults on his part. He told me I was acting like a child and a drama queen...then told me I either believed him he didn't have his phone or I should "SHUT THE 'f' UP".

 

Believe me when I say that I was not confrontational with him- a little upset he didn't text me for four days after saying he would call the folowwing day... but I was calm and rational in my answers and explanations. My response was basically "hey I was worried about you, you said you'd call and then disappeared for 4 days".

 

Well, obviously, the shut the "f" up comment blew me out of the water- no one talks to me like that and gets away with it. I am definetely dumping him as a result of this. I didn't respond after that- even though I am seething and want to tear him a new one. I gave my phone to my neighbour to hold onto until I cool down so I won't be tempted to text.

 

Obviously he either met someone else, or was feeling the pressure after saying he loved me last weekend.... but I swear this behaviour came out of left field. Our hang out time has always been fun and pleasant and full of laughter - even quite a bit of affection. But in these two months- I haven't experienced this side of him. I was shocked.

 

So, whatever, it was a casual FWB relationship- but we had a lot of fondness for one another. I knew I was never going to love him....and I never expected to hear "I love you" from him either- but he said it.

 

What would cause someone to snap like that?

He went flying off the handle with the "Drama queen, bi**ch, you're a child" texts. And there was no reason to accuse me of those things as I really never even got angry with him- just showed concern. And for the record- that was the first time I questioned him about anything in two months.

 

I never ask him to hang- he does all that asking and arranging...and I am always so laid back when we hang. The last time we went to the beach with his buddies, I laid on my blanket and did my entire thing for the whole day while they played football and frollicked in the water. He even told me after that his friends loved me because I wasn't an intrusive gf that tried to intrude on their guy time...and that they liked having me around because I could chat like one of the guys.

 

I don't get it. I don't understand guys. This was just something a bit more than casual- we did have a great rapoir, and have never had a fight or an argument.... until he snapped today.

 

My thoughts: He met someone else and instead of telling me "hey- I met someone" (which both of us promised each other we would do)... he is choosing to cause a rift so I dump him and save him the trouble.

 

After the "shut the "f" up comment- he sent me a couple more texts- both of them saying "?" and then "??". I don't get it. If he was doing this to make me break up with him- why send those following two texts.

 

I don't know if he is still texting- my neighbour is keeping my phone until tomorrow so I don't get tempted to say anything back to him.

 

I am doing the right thing right? Playing the silent treatment, not responding to such a nasty text. I swear to you guys- my blood is boiling right now. He's accusing me of being a b**tch and a drama queen- telling me to shut the "f" up.... and it's all so uncalled for and out of left field. I want to respond with something in kind.... but I know he doesn't even deserve that from me.

 

Don't worry- I won't make up with him or continue chatting with him. I am just confused what happened to him. I assume he met someone else- which is cool. He just should have said so. I am way more hurt by this... especially because we have had such a fun, happy existence together.

 

Obviously I am not even telling him I am breaking up with him- I will just use strong will power to go NC until the day I die.... I just don't get the hostility.

 

Why go out of your way to be really hurtful to someone when the problem could have been solved by saying "Hey Dee- I think you're great, but I met someone I want to date". We told one another we would do that.

 

Out of left field I tell you.... I truly didn't give him a reason to lash out at me like that.

I don't get guys. And why the hell, if he did meet someone else, did he continue to antagonize me with the subsequent texts that were obviously designed to get a response?? He told me to shut the "f" up...and when I didn't answer- he text me twice with the questions marks.

 

I am seething right now.... I don't know what to do with this angry energy!

[whichwayisup]

I think that him saying I love you caught him by surprise and now instead of talking to you about it, he's being a real jerk to you.

 

If this is just a casual thing and isn't going anywhere, then yeah, break it off with him, because that was really rude of him to freak out on you like that.

[Crestfallen_KH]

This situation sounds a little like my last relationship; fortunately, he never got that nasty. I'll recap it briefly, in the hopes that it will help.

 

We started off casually, knew we were never going to be anything than what we were, and were hanging out a lot. After a few months, he told me he loved me (but in a very backhanded way) and started seeing a future with me.

 

He knew I didn't feel the same way, so we really got into this push/pull dynamic. He'd feel like a pathetic loser for hanging out with me (note that I never thought that of him or called him that AT ALL) when I didn't share his feelings one day, and then happy, affectionate, and thrilled to be with me the next day. It got so bad, I asked him to please tell me if he was having a "push" day, so I would know not to contact him at all that day.

 

For awhile, he was able to convince me he didn't love me anymore, but eventually the relationship fell apart, largely because I knew we couldn't be casual while he had these feelings. We both said a few little nasty things to one another, and now we're barely speaking. I'm not confident we'll ever be able to be friends.

 

So, my thinking is that he felt embarrassed and angry that you didn't feel the same way. I think he's now creating distance to see if you'll pursue. His "I don't have to account to you" was a final push on his part to see if you'd say "Well, I'd like it if you did because I'd like us to be more." When you again responded "Ok, that's true" he got even more upset and it manifested as anger at you.

 

Were his actions right or fair? No, but I believe this is what happened and it's so very difficult to be the person in the relationship with stronger feelings. He's feeling very vulernable, and he wanted something positive from you. I really don't think he's met anyone else here.

 

I would definitely let yourself cool down. It won't help the situation (even if you break up with him) to get angry and respond in kind. Good luck, these are hard situations.

[xpaperxcutx]

How rude? Wow I'd be pissed if someone wrote that about me.

 

What I don't understand is were you guys actually official? I understand open relationships, but I notice you wrote boyfriend in a few paragraphs. So it was a casual relationship, but then he started freaking out on you... hmm...

I bet he did something over the weekend and felt so guilty about it that he's taking his guilt out on you.

[Daisyloo]

He's a WIERDO then. No need to speak to ANYone like that, but particularly not a girl you've been getting on so well with.

 

You are DEFINITELY doing the right thing and if he turns up I suggest you keep the 'cool as a cucumber' stance and react calmly and with control simply stating that you want no further contact after his outburst on text.

 

Hopefully the furniture shop guy will ring anyway andd blow this loser right out the water! Things happen for a reason chick, maybe that's why Xx

[jerbear]

I have to agree with WWIU on your FWB freaking out. He is taking a break from you but decided not to tell you.

 

Since it is just a casual FWB and not couple material, I would suggest letting it go. Leaving the phone with the neighbors is a good thing for now, but I still suggest giving a closing statement after you two calmed down.

[JustinWolf]

Just let yourself be calm as for him, he shouldnt have texted you those things. I'd say he probably found someone else. Otherwise, maybe he was expecting you to say "I love you too" and kiss him instead of a hug? who knows. You dumped him for a good reason. In the end, he's the one who lost something good. assh*le.

[shadowplay]

Yeah, it's really annoying, but guys have treated me like that before. Men are often very inconsistent.

 

It's possible but unlikely that he met somebody else. Even if he did, would he suddenly decide to drop you altogether? Seems kind of weird since you only had a FWB. I think the more likely explanation is he got freaked out when he told you he loved you, distanced himself, and then decided to take his anger out on you. In doing so he was trying to push you away or convince himself that you were unworthy of him. Either way he's a total ahole, but you already knew that.

 

How old is this dude?

[Lishy]

You did the right thing D!

 

He deserves NOTHING from you, not a solitary word! This will be hard though as I think he will not give up now as his guilt and emotions will come into it!

 

Be strong honey!

[Lovely Disaster]

I think the problem is you are settling for the "fwb" "chill" "relationships" with loser guys.

You deserve better than a casual sex arrangement.

You really do need to set your sights higher then these losers you keep describing.

[shadowplay]

I think the problem is you are settling for the "fwb" "chill" "relationships" with loser guys.

You deserve better than a casual sex arrangement.

You really do need to set your sights higher then these losers you keep describing.

 

Agreed, a guy will treat you with less respect if you agree to these kinds of arrangements because it sends the message that you don't value yourself or can't land an actual relationship. I know that is extremely sexist, but it's the way a lot of guys think. I've learned the hard way.

[D-Lish]

I think the problem is you are settling for the "fwb" "chill" "relationships" with loser guys.

You deserve better than a casual sex arrangement.

You really do need to set your sights higher then these losers you keep describing.

 

You're not wrong LD. I do date men that I know cannot hurt me.

I honestly don't think I am capable of being my best self right now- but that doesn't mean I don't get lonley and want companionship.... so I take up with these kind of guys.

 

This guy seemed a bit different though- like a carefree surfer type with a kind heart and a penchant for fun. It's summer, we were having fun, it was enjoyable.

 

Shadow- he's 28.

And when he nuzzled into my neck and said he loved me- I did hug him, but I also kissed him after and we were glued to one another's side all night in an embrace. Women were approaching him all night to talk to him and he would grab me and pull me to his side and say "this is my woman, look how beautiful she is..." It was just a strange night- and I feel something definetely changed that night.

 

Funny thing is- HE is the one that set the boundaries at the beginning- that he wasn't looking to get serious. I embraced that opportunity happily- because with all the **** going on in my life- I CAN'T fall in love right now. I haven't fixed me yet.

 

MMM, some of you have said it doesn't seem likely he met someone else.... but my gut feeling says otherwise. I think he did go away for the weekend and meet someone. We always ignore our gut feelings- I just feel this is what happened. I am 80% sure there is another woman involved.

 

But- hey, it's okay. If he met someone- he should have told me.

 

ahhh, I dunno.... Just have never had someone tell me to shut the "f" up before when it's been unsolicited!

 

I really am upset- and I really do want to scream something angry at him.

But I won't. NC- he'll hear nothing from me after that comment.

[Crestfallen_KH]

Well, if that is what your instincts are saying, they are probably right. I've learned long ago to trust them and I've often found when I don't that I regret it.

 

FWIW, I'm not in anyway advocating that you get back with him (that statement would end the relationship for me as well, no matter the reason). I guess I was just trying to give you his perspective.

 

It's still so easy to get burned by guys you don't plan to care about, unfortunately.

[shadowplay]

You're not wrong LD. I do date men that I know cannot hurt me.

I honestly don't think I am capable of being my best self right now- but that doesn't mean I don't get lonley and want companionship.... so I take up with these kind of guys.

 

This guy seemed a bit different though- like a carefree surfer type with a kind heart and a penchant for fun. It's summer, we were having fun, it was enjoyable.

 

Shadow- he's 28.

And when he nuzzled into my neck and said he loved me- I did hug him, but I also kissed him after and we were glued to one another's side all night in an embrace. Women were approaching him all night to talk to him and he would grab me and pull me to his side and say "this is my woman, look how beautiful she is..." It was just a strange night- and I feel something definetely changed that night.

 

Funny thing is- HE is the one that set the boundaries at the beginning- that he wasn't looking to get serious. I embraced that opportunity happily- because with all the **** going on in my life- I CAN'T fall in love right now. I haven't fixed me yet.

 

MMM, some of you have said it doesn't seem likely he met someone else.... but my gut feeling says otherwise. I think he did go away for the weekend and meet someone. We always ignore our gut feelings- I just feel this is what happened. I am 80% sure there is another woman involved.

 

But- hey, it's okay. If he met someone- he should have told me.

 

ahhh, I dunno.... Just have never had someone tell me to shut the "f" up before when it's been unsolicited!

 

I really am upset- and I really do want to scream something angry at him.

But I won't. NC- he'll hear nothing from me after that comment.

 

If your gut tells you he met someone else then he probably did. You know more about him and the situation than we do.

[shadowplay]

 

It's still so easy to get burned by guys you don't plan to care about, unfortunately.

 

Exactly, been there before and the rejection still stings...because it's like, hey, I should have been the one to break it off with you.

[Art_Critic]

He is banging 2 girls D.. You and another..

 

He tells you he loves you and you don't reciprocate so he starts a huge fight giving you the reason to dump him..

 

100-1 he told the other girl he is banging that he loved her too.. She most likely said it back..

 

Classic burned bridge technique of breaking up.. that way he doesn't have to worry about you calling him up for a booty call while he is with the other girl..

 

Don't you dare look back.. any guy that would tell a woman to STFU is most likely a timebomb of verbal abuse in the waiting...

[Cherry Blossom 35]

I agree, go with the gut. He sounds like he met someone else and doesn't know how to get out of the FWB gracefully. So he went the opposite way because he is still on the immature side. Good going with the phone and the neighbor.

 

 

Yikes, I don't know what makes men flip out like this. I was dating someone several years ago. I slept over Friday and he was telling me that he wanted to get me a toothbrush and my own soap and stuff. The next day we were at the pool in the morning. He kept asking me to call off sick from work that night. I told him I wouldn't, it would not be fair to the others who had to work. I told him that we could meet at the bar next door at 10. He said great. I sat there from 10 to 11 before he called and told me he was going out with his friends instead! I was SEETHING. Still to this day does not make sense to me how he was so happy and excited to be with me at 10am, and was done by 10pm.

[shadowplay]

I agree, go with the gut. He sounds like he met someone else and doesn't know how to get out of the FWB gracefully. So he went the opposite way because he is still on the immature side. Good going with the phone and the neighbor.

 

 

Yikes, I don't know what makes men flip out like this. I was dating someone several years ago. I slept over Friday and he was telling me that he wanted to get me a toothbrush and my own soap and stuff. The next day we were at the pool in the morning. He kept asking me to call off sick from work that night. I told him I wouldn't, it would not be fair to the others who had to work. I told him that we could meet at the bar next door at 10. He said great. I sat there from 10 to 11 before he called and told me he was going out with his friends instead! I was SEETHING. Still to this day does not make sense to me how he was so happy and excited to be with me at 10am, and was done by 10pm.

 

Aw, I know how that feels. It's happened to me so many times. Women may have a lot of problems, but they're not usually this inconsistent. Not saying by any means that all men are like this, but usually the totally inconsistent moody types are men. When a woman commits herself to a relationship or makes her feelings known, she doesn't just change her mind overnight. I don't know why people say that men are more honest about their feelings...because often it's the opposite.

 

I almost never believe what a guy tells me anymore.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Too be honest D, something else happened. It was not him meeting someone else or anything like that. And trust me, if the guy was not like that before you talked to him and he blew up at you like that, I know you did more than asked him why he did not call. Guess what, ladies and gents, if you are willing to push an issue, especially something a simple as way someone did not make a casual call, then don't be shocked or mad if they blow up at you. Even if you think you are owed an answer or said it nicely, you are still annoying the other person.

 

You are doing him a favor by not contacting him. It takes a big person to be able to push beyond that and want to see an answer. It takes a real friend to push aside the harshest words to get to the truth and find out if something else can be done. For if I had the same mentality as most of you do, I would not have my two best friends in the world (and both can be real annoying at times as I sure I can be). So, if you aren't willing to let slights go, then you are doing that person a favor by moving on.

 

 

DNR

Oh and D, he is afraid of falling in love with you. He did not cheat on you. At least this is my strongest feeling.

[Angel1111]

How rude? Wow I'd be pissed if someone wrote that about me.

 

What I don't understand is were you guys actually official? I understand open relationships, but I notice you wrote boyfriend in a few paragraphs. So it was a casual relationship, but then he started freaking out on you... hmm...

I bet he did something over the weekend and felt so guilty about it that he's taking his guilt out on you.

 

I keep saying it but no one listens: There is no such thing as a casual relationship.

[johan]

Some guys get a bit psychotic when their egos get hurt. He's not trying to hurt you or start a fight or get you to break up with him. He's trying to get you to say "what's wrong, Honey??" This is the adult male version of the cries of a baby. His mother rewarded this kind of behavior with cookies and milk and hugs.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

 

I almost never believe what a guy tells me anymore.

 

 

I never know what to believe!

 

D-Lish- Aren't you going a little crazy wondering if he has called or texted you?

[Dark-N-Romantic]

I keep saying it but no one listens: There is no such thing as a casual relationship.

 

I totally agree with you Angel. This is why if a woman I have feelings ROMANTIC feelings for saids she wants to be friends first, she never gets to see if something more is possible.

 

 

DNR

[Rooster_DAR]

Men are often very inconsistent.

 

Be careful!!!! That is a generalization that is somewhat contradicting.

 

[bigmanpayne]

I think that him saying I love you caught him by surprise and now instead of talking to you about it, he's being a real jerk to you.

 

If this is just a casual thing and isn't going anywhere, then yeah, break it off with him, because that was really rude of him to freak out on you like that.

 

 

agreed. people are so stupd. instead of talking about things they flip out and overreact. he probably doesnt know how to communicate with you about what he said/did. you 2 agreed that things were not serious and he stepped out of line and doesnt know how to handle it. i bet he is more embarrassed than anything. what if he does want more and is/was just too scared that you would end things with him first. people do act like that sometimes... they want to get you before you get them. it's just sad because you sound like a cool person who understood that he was drunk and i am guessing that you would have probably let that comment slide under the table if he just acted right.