In so much PAIN but does he want me back? !

[jmmm]

maybe my original post is too long of a thread to read and that is why i am not getting many responses.

 

 

My b/f of 3 years broke up with me last month...he was my first everything and he knows this...and i know he loved/loves me..we had alot of fights in the 3 years and alot of it was probably due to me being young in the relationship..i realize my mistakes and also know what i want more of him to do...Recently a big fight was him going on a bike trip for two weeks without me. I wasnt comfortable with it

 

When he broke it off last month i was hysterical on the phone..i texted him that night saying i love you very much with all my heart, it will be better with little things...he didn't respond..i basically wrote a few texts saying you will be going away and afterwards it will be alot better..he finally responded a day later saying so and so didn't help but thats the not reason, im just not happy. He wrote im sorry i hurt u and ur upset. I wrote back even after that saying i wish we can figure something out together about what would make u happier...and i wrote i drove you away and i regret it..he basically wrote he needs to make himself happy before he can make me happy and i didn't drive him away and i have a right to feel how i feel and want what i want and so does he but they arent the same things right now.

 

I called him the next day leaving a message saying i hate this was done through texts and want to speak to get closure..he writes me instead saying i got ur v-mail but i am not up for talking right now. But we will, im sorry.

 

It made me feel like he didn't want to give me closure...i guess it gave me hope which i dont know is good or bad......

 

I have not contacted him at all since he said he was not up for talking now and since he wanted it over even though i sent him all the texts i wrote to him and telling you guys about

 

But suprisingly something new happened...

 

My ex met my girlfriend and her b/f a few times only...the boyfriend asked for my b/f's number. My friend's boyfriend called him a few times for us to get together etc etc while we were still together..My b/f never called him..he was usually like that with a lot of people--just letting them call him.

 

My friend called me saying my ex called her b/f during the day. Her boyfriend missed the call because he was at work and called back when my friend and her boyfriend were together.

 

My boyfriend is going on a 2 week trip with a few people..its a bike trip which i was not so happy about...he spoke to my friend's boyfriend and started talking to him about the trip and that he is leaving this weekend but two guys backed out, its only going to be me and one other guy. The boyfriend never mentioned me and didn't bring me up once...My ex finally said so how is my friend? And the boyfriend said, well his g/f doesn't really tell him everything thats going on with this and then my friend said she's ok..So the boyfriend said she is alright on the phone. After a minute or two they hung up and my friend called me to let me know what happened

 

she thinks its a sign of him wanting to get back together..she said why would he call him? she thinks he called just to get some information about me because he is not used to not hearing from me...my friend said its also weird how he spoke about the trip and him leaving this weekend and mentioning 2 of them backed out..almost like he is saying it isnt going to be this big party that i was thinking

 

i am more negative with my thinking...and i am thinking he used the expression so how is my friend? My g/f said its just an expression and he was talking to a guy--he isn't gonna be so sappy about it

 

i am also thinking maybe he was just concerned if i was ok or he felt guilty and hearing that im "alright" he can just go on now and not feel guilty or now truly know its over because im alright...and have an even better time on his trip

 

my friend said she doesnt think a guy would put himself out there like that---to call an ex girlfriend's friend's boyfriend...she said he has a lot of pride and an ego and he called him..and it must have took a lot to make that phone call and ask about me

 

she thinks giving him a neutral answer of she's alright was the best thing she could say..she didn't say i was great and she didn't say i was crying my eyes out

 

 

Is this a sign he may want to work on thing?

 

My friend and her boyfriend say its really really weird and confusing him calling but not wanting to...

[Ronni_W]

maybe my original post is too long of a thread to read and that is why i am not getting many responses.

Dear jmmm,

No, that is NOT why. It appears that the "problem" is that you do not like the responses you have received. The people who have already taken the time to read and respond to your post(s) are not going to change their opinions/perspectives/suggestions JUST BECAUSE you want to hear something different.

 

Perhaps you will consider taking some time to learn about co-dependency and neediness. I mean, really educate yourself to point of understanding how debilitating and disempowering are those maladaptive strategies/behaviours. They will not serve you well, in the short- or long-term.

 

This guy is yanking your chain, and YOU are allowing that to happen to you. STOP! You are in process of hurting yourself. No one else is doing that.

 

Again, I do wish you well. But I do not have anything else to offer that I haven't already given. (((hugs)))

Ronni

[jmmm]

Hi,

 

 

Thanks for writing..but no--i didn't get a lot of responses to my thread...noone said anything that has made me look for different answers--i am looking for what people have to say and trying to sort through what recently happened...not many people responded so therefore i tried to make it shorter and repost. Sorry, but you are wrong where you say i am looking for people to give me an answer i want to hear.

 

I am just looking to discuss the situation.

 

 

Again--i realize the mistakes i made in the relationship and even the mistakes he made.

 

I am just curious if this may be a sign he wants to try to work things out and maybe we both just needed some space. I know he loved me and probably still does..i don't think he is trying to hurt me purposely.

[Daisyloo]

Jmmm,

You say you want to know if we think he wants you back? I'm sorry but I don't think he does and I suspect most other people think the same.

All contact since the breakup appears to have been initiated by you and I think that the more you text and ring this guy the more you are pushing him away. I have read your other thread on this and think that you should listen to other's advice. You are (I suspect) quite young and have a whole life ahead of you - don't destroy yourself over something that has ended. Things happen for a reason and if you were meant to be with this guy you would have felt differently during the relationship (less suspicious/scared).

If he wanted to get back with you I think he would have been in touch by now.

PLEASE try to take on board what people are saying to help you.

Take care sweetheart and work at moving forward not back. Xx

[jamie2002]

Hi,

 

Sounds like your ex is probably realizing he hurt you and maybe the guilt is setting in.. By the responses he gave you in his texs they were very vauge and not really that personal ..i am sure he knows he broke your heart and my advice to you is do not respond to him.. if he texs you etc..dont respond take control back of this situation and don't let him lead..he broke up with you.. so if he wants you back and thinks it is a mistake do NOT make it easy for him.. make him earn you back..i am sure you know how to do that.. time will tell how true his feelings are still for you but in the meantime live your life on your own and get stronger inside because this guy is going to continue to make you weak.. he sounds wishy washy and you don't want someone like that.. dont take the crumbs he is giving you ..you deserve the whole cake.. i think he will play the cake and eat it game if you are not careful!! have you on the back burner while he is sewing his oats along the way...take care of you... go buy a cute new outfit and go dancing with your girlfriends and flirt with hot guys.. you need an ego boost to prove to yourself you can do it with or without him..

[jmmm]

hey

 

thank you for writing. =)

 

ok, i'm glad to hear your opinion...i just don't understand why he would call my friend's boyfriend.. Any thoughts? My friend said its weird him calling if he didn't have any feelings towards working it out

 

the thing is..the way i am feeling---my ex telling him about the trip, how 2 guys backed out(only going to be one other going so i guess not as big of a party), calling the night before he leaves and then asking about me...like he knew it was going to get back to me and like he wanted me to know when he was leaving and when he would be back.

 

in one of my texts last month i did write to him saying you will be going away for 2 weeks which will be good for u and after it will be alot better..i know he still ended it after that...but him doing this and calling the night before he left just made me feel like he may want to try to work things out

 

 

isn't kind of weird to call the night before a trip like that or to call my friend's boyfriend at all if you weren't feeling this way whatsoever? I just don't get the point if he doesnt want to.

 

 

its very confusing to me..

[jmmm]

hey Jamie,

 

thanks for your post as well =)

 

I know if we do get back together i would want to be back officially and exclusively but i would need to be MUCH more independent..not keep my emotions and heart all out in the open..don't be too emotional, don't show a reaction to everything(i read the book why men love b*tches--some good pointers in there)

 

 

 

The thing is---i know he loved me and probably still does(its only been a month) and i know he doesnt want to intentionally hurt me.

 

I was not expecting him to call my friend's boyfriend at all..i usually can predict his behavior and this i was very suprised by.

 

I do actually think that way too--he got the summer off to be by himself and go on this trip with no committment...him calling the night before it though makes me think maybe he wants to let me know he is still thinking about me or something like that and isn't partying or over me....

 

 

He knows i must be hurting through common sense--he knows he was my first everything and i was crying on the phone when he did it.

 

 

I'm just very confused by the phone call he made....

[jamie2002]

I am sure you are confused by the phone call.. I am sure he is confused also..its obvious he cares about you or he wouldn't be checking on you.. but unless he has both feet in and says he wants you back etc.. like the book says... you have to stay strong and independent.. and maybe he will take this trip and come back and realize he messed up ..maybe he wanted to end things before the the trip to play.. not really sure but the key thing is he broke up with you and until he proves different you cant hold onto his crumbs because it will destroy you... i am telling you this from experience and trying to save you from a guy that doesnt know what he wants.....if he needs space fine..take some yourself but let him come to you.. he sounds like a confused mess and if you say you needed to change thats ok.at least you recognize that and that is a great sign..keep reading the books..dont read to far into the phone call.. not unless you see huge efforts..

[CHANTRESS]

I didn't read your other threads about him...but I agree with Jamie.

Regardless of his reasons for calling, he still didn't call YOU, so what does that tell you?? A man who wants you back would make the effort....and him asking about you'

just sounds like he was concerned about you.Not because he wants you back.

 

You are reading way too much into this phone call....

Take him at his word and let him be.

[jmmm]

hey jamie,

 

i was trying to send you a private message but see you don't have it set up to receive any

 

i see it as almost cruel to make the phone call he did if he does not want to work on things...it makes me think---don't do me any favors by checking on how i am if you don't have intentions of trying to work on things, i don't need you calling them to hear about me.

 

its hard to get this hope out of my mind due to the fact one of my texts a month ago consisted of telling him you will be going away which will be good for you and after it will be a lot better..and he calls right before his trip letting him know he is leaving and other details.

 

do you kind of agree with my thought process as seeing it as confusing and almost cruel to make such a phone call but yet not want to work on things?

 

 

i am almost afraid he will be too afraid to contact me...and too afraid to be the first to say i want to try to figure something out..

 

even though he made this phone call...is it still up to him to make the next move??.....

 

 

thanks again for helping me clear my head on this issue....

[jmmm]

i know i shoudn't be thinking about this too much but i am and its hard...i feel like the next month is going to be very hard because it will be difficult wondering what is going to happen and IF he will even contact me within this month..

 

i still have some things at his place..stuff i am not going to ask back because it will be too heartbreaking for me...i don't understand why we couldn't get the last conversation over with a month ago if he wanted it over for good...instead---writing to me he isn't up for talking right now but we will.

 

i feel like he didn't want to have that last conversation because maybe he just needed some space but maybe that is just false hope...

[justaman99]

Jmmm how many times are you going to post this story? Really, come on it's not helping. bump your original story. It's now in 3 or 4 places.

[Treasa]

I'm not going to answer whether or not he wants you back, because frankly I don't know.

 

However, what I DO know is that your relationship with him would be doomed if you did get back together again. I've gone back and read all your threads, and also your multiple threads about this particular subject. It's very clear that you're clingy, desperate, and controlling. You're even trying to control the replies of the people on this board! "Don't you think that..." "Don't you agree that..." You're trying to manipulate people into saying what you want to hear, and you'll keep asking until you do!

 

I don't mean to sound harsh, because I've been where you are. However, sometimes tough love is warranted.

 

You may have read the book "Why Men Love Bitches", but it's clear that you didn't understand the point of it. The point wasn't to learn how to further manipulate men (well, maybe to a slight degree), but more about reclaiming YOUR OWN LIFE. And you don't seem to have done that. You're just obsessing over this dude.

 

I think that you need to spend some time ALONE and find your own self esteem and your own happiness. I'm not even your ex and I already feel suffocated reading some of your threads. Please - find a GOOD therapist and really dig into your issues. And I don't mean one you'll just see until you get your boyfriend back (not that I'm saying you will), but someone who will work on your problems with you. And do it for YOURSELF, not as a tool to just help you get this guy back.

 

Good luck.

[sedgwick]

Why would you care if he went on a bike trip? Your relationship has to be able to survive the two of you having independent lives. I see absolutely nothing wrong whatsoever with him taking a two week vacation!

[jmmm]

The trip is not really the issue at this point..a lot of trips like that consist of rallies where it seems like a spring break for adults.

 

I also have some family members and friends who believe if you are in a relationship for a few years or even married---it is a huge huge thing to be going away for two weeks willingly without the other person. Some even told me the other person is lucky you would even tolerate it and some don't find it appropriate or it even shows he isn't ready to settle down at this point and still wants to do what he wants whether i like it or not. Obviously there are some who are fine with it. So i guess to each their own.

 

But this aspect i don't have much else to say on.

 

His action a few days ago is what led me to post about everything

 

Thanks for writing