nopainnogain Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 Would you rather hear the dreaded "i need space " its you not me" "i need to find myself " line ...... Or "I am gonna break up with you because theres this person I want to bang and we connect well.So I dont want to cheat,so im leaving"
carhill Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I'd rather hear honesty, couched in a modicum of respect. Giant request these days....
Chinook Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 Personally, as long as it's phrased correctly I'd prefer to hear the second, if that's the case. The problem is, people are rarely able to tell the truth about that scenario because they know it will wantonly hurt someone who cares about them and as human beings, we don't generally like hurting people we know love us... because at some point, we may need them again.
Author nopainnogain Posted July 29, 2008 Author Posted July 29, 2008 I would rather hear the latter myself. Maybe not so blunt though. Perhaps " Your as really great person but my feelings have shifted. I am clicking very well with this other person and we want to step up our relationship,so Im affraid I have to leave you to pursue my new interest" what do you all think?? The reason I would rather hear the painful truth is because at least I wont have hope and can skip right to the healing process....
carhill Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 we don't generally like hurting people we know love us... because at some point, we may need them again. Off-topic, but that's an interesting concept. I'd love to hear the definition of "need". In MC, I call such a concept as a "tool" FWIW, from my perspective, people who love me aren't my "tools"; they're much too valuable for such a pejorative descriptor, even if I can't return their love to the extent that they might want. I use tools (literally, due to my profession). I don't use people. The barbaric world we live in apparently operates using different parameters.
PhoenixFromTheFlames Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 Definitely the second. The first ones are fluffy, unspecific, and leave you with way too much grey so you can read between the lines (and find some hope). Not helpful in the slightest.
Chinook Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I would rather hear the latter myself. Maybe not so blunt though. Perhaps " Your as really great person but my feelings have shifted. I am clicking very well with this other person and we want to step up our relationship,so Im affraid I have to leave you to pursue my new interest" what do you all think?? The reason I would rather hear the painful truth is because at least I wont have hope and can skip right to the healing process....I wouldn't bother with the "you're a really great person" because clearly that leaves room for the "I can't have been THAT great" demons afterwards. I'd simply keep it as simple as "I'm an honest person, I have to tell you I have met someone else and I would like to pursue a relationship with them. I don't want to cheat, so I have to break up with you". Factual and doesn't put any demons onto the dumpee.
Author nopainnogain Posted July 29, 2008 Author Posted July 29, 2008 we don't generally like hurting people we know love us... because at some point, we may need them again. They would already be hurting us by leaving so whats the difference lol
Author nopainnogain Posted July 29, 2008 Author Posted July 29, 2008 "I'm an honest person, I have to tell you I have met someone else and I would like to pursue a relationship with them. I don't want to cheat, so I have to break up with you". For anyone that is gonna leave for someone else this is the best thing to say.IMO
Chinook Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 They would already be hurting us by leaving so whats the difference lolPrecisely and that's what a lot of dumpers just don't get!! The sad fact is, people don't like to feel they hurt someone willingly. It doesn't feel nice. Those people also find it difficult to accept responsibility for it. Trust me as someone who has dumped and been dumped, I did it the second way without any fuss (except I wasn't going to be seeing someone else, I just wanted to breakup with the person). It takes guts to stand in front of someone and hurt them knowing that they loved you. But in the long run, it's kinder to them and it's your responsibility to step up and not hurt them by implying it was somehow them or something about them.
quankanne Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 as much as it would hurt to hear, I'd respect someone who was up front about the reason why we were splitting: "I've met someone who I want to be in a relationship with." or even, "It's just not working for me anymore, and I don't want to date you/live with/be married to you anymore." because trying to make some kind of nebulous remark "It's me, it's not you," is a huge cop-out in my book because it doesn't address what's going on in the other person's mind OR why I'm supposed to be gracious about ending it.
Keridan Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I just respect honesty. If I had to hear one or the other, I'd rather "Yer cool, but I'm gonna go screw someone else now. Have a good life." At least it leaves out the ambiguity. I'm not saying I'd like it, but at least I'd know where I stood and be able to move on.
beautifullove Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 How about "I'll always love you"???? I don't ever want to hear that bs again.
Author nopainnogain Posted July 29, 2008 Author Posted July 29, 2008 Awsome ,so Im not alone. Most would rather hear the truth. So no one favors the " I dont know who I am"..."I need to find myself" line lol??
quankanne Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I'd buy, "I care about you, but I just don't want to be with you ..."
Peter_pan Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 i heard all of number one, later to realize it was number two which she should have said to me
Author nopainnogain Posted July 29, 2008 Author Posted July 29, 2008 Next time I hear some BS along the lines like "its me ,not you " Ill say" your right ,it is you not me " and then do a 180... quote quakanne.... I'd buy, "I care about you, but I just don't want to be with you ..." Thats good for when there is not a third party around and its a genuine breakup, but this pertains to when there is a third party involved in the breakup.
Keridan Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I better not hear any of these because I'm married now. But if I were to get anything from choice 1, I'd prolly openly mock my wife till she admitted to choice 2 I'm a nice guy and all, but if it's lost, why hold on to the manners?
quankanne Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 ah, then, "it's been real. It's been fun. But it ain't been real fun" :laugh: seriously, then I'd go back with what I originally said, that there's someone else in the picture, and I'm interested in pursuing a relationship with that person and so it's over. it sounds cruel, but you really can't cushion the words of a break-up without sounding insincere ...
Author nopainnogain Posted July 29, 2008 Author Posted July 29, 2008 ah, then, "it's been real. It's been fun. But it ain't been real fun" :laugh: ... I like that one.
Nevermind Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 If there is somebody else, something along the lines. "I respect you, and therefore I am going to tell you the truth. I valued our relationship, and you as a person. But lately I have felt attracted to somebody else. I don't want to hurt you, so this means the end for us. Thank you for the time we spend together. Farewell."
sunshinegirl Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I heard the second one. But then it turned out he had cheated already. So I don't want either line... I want honesty.
Grace112 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I'd like to hear, "I'm not good for you and I'm never going to change. You need to be with someone who deserves to be with you."
Lizzie60 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Would you rather hear the dreaded "i need space " its you not me" "i need to find myself " line ...... Or "I am gonna break up with you because theres this person I want to bang and we connect well.So I dont want to cheat,so im leaving" they mean the same thing.. so I think I would prefer the second one.. but I agree they absolutely mean the same thing.. so next time he ask you for more space.. lock him outside..
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