Phateless Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 So my gf says. My perspective is that I try to play it off and let it ride until I'm sure it needs to be talked about. Truth is, I hold it back until I can't anymore. I'm sensitive and insecure tho, and there are lots of little things I play off all the time. The way it is now, sometimes I'll bring stuff up that she doesn't have an answer for, and so she'll change the subject either because she doesn't have a solution, or she feels attacked by the way I bring things up. So i have to bring it up again later and so on. How do I figure out how to express myself so that she understands my point of view without dumping too much on her at once? She feels attacked, criticized, etc. This is the second girl I've had this problem with so now I'm trying to figure out if I just so happened to pick two girls with similar communication issues, or if this is MY problem that I need to fix. One thing I've noticed is that I find it necessary to express all the hurt feelings I have at once. I want her to know how I'm feeling. Not because I want to make her feel guilty, but because I want her to understand where my head is so that she understands my actions. Unfortunately, she just feels like I'm beating her up. Help me fix this. I really like this girl and I can see that I'm seriously damaging the relationship very quickly.
stefspets Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I am someone who takes things personally, so the way something is worded helps a lot. There's a big difference between "You never spend any time with me!" and "I feel neglected because you've been so busy lately." If you're holding in how you feel until you can't hold it in anymore, maybe you're coming across more like the first example than the second? Can you try talking about things as they come up, making sure you're expressing how you feel rather than blame (I feel ___ when ___)? This would also make sure you only bring up the one thing that's on your mind at that moment, and not all 10 things you've been holding in until you burst.
carhill Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I'm getting better at saying "that's unacceptable behavior" in a neutral way. If my wife wants to talk about it, then we do. Don't confuse the above statement with "I'm becoming a better husband". Not even I would say that Seriously, IMO, the important thing is to bring some relevant immediacy to the recognition of a hurtful behavior. Bring it to the attention of the person immediately in a neutral way. As an example, my old female friend, due to painful experiences in her past M that she had not shared, found my sarcasm (mostly sarcastic humor), even though not directed at her personally (my perspective, as I would never hurt her), to be hurtful, but she kept that inside for a long time (meaning months/years). Doing that likely built up resentment and hurt and it blew out of her inappropriately (meaning at the wrong time and place) and set me back on my ear, questioning many aspects of the friendship. A more immediate and neutral reaction would have given my time to reflect upon and change those behaviors which, although not meant in a hurtful way, were perceived that way. Communication. Anyway, our psychologist encourages neutral communication of perspective. I know, in my M, when I hear this from my wife, I'm more inclined to take it to heart and meet her needs. She still doesn't like me "talking all the time", but, hey, one thing at a time, ya know?
Author Phateless Posted July 29, 2008 Author Posted July 29, 2008 Thanks guys, that makes a lot of sense, and echos what she's been telling me, which makes me feel better about the whole thing. Plus, now I can go back to her and validate some of what she's been saying, which I'm sure will make her feel better. I guess I just don't want to constantly bring up every little thing that bugs me, because I don't want to be a nag or an emotional sissy. It blows my mind how insecure and needy I can be, especially in contrast to how secure and steady and aloof I was when single 6 months ago.
carhill Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 Being aware of your needs is not being "needy". Communicating them in a healthy way is not "nagging". That's my new mantra
Author Phateless Posted July 29, 2008 Author Posted July 29, 2008 Very true, thanks. Truth is, I'm I hate confrontation and have trouble setting limits and standing up for myself.
Star Gazer Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I've been wondering where you ran off to, Phate. Good to see you. If you have an example of a specific situation, I bet we could help more.
Author Phateless Posted July 29, 2008 Author Posted July 29, 2008 I've been wondering where you ran off to, Phate. Good to see you. If you have an example of a specific situation, I bet we could help more. I don't really want to post the specific situations because then people get sidetracked arguing the specifics of THAT situation. I'm more worried about how I handle this TYPE of situation for when it comes up again. Glad to see I was missed, SG. I've been off in girlfriend-land, having a ball.
mental_traveller Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 How do I figure out how to express myself so that she understands my point of view without dumping too much on her at once? She feels attacked, criticized, etc. This is the second girl I've had this problem with so now I'm trying to figure out if I just so happened to pick two girls with similar communication issues, or if this is MY problem that I need to fix. . IMO women who have a problem with open dialogue and constructive criticism are just like guys who punch the wall and shout when their gf/wife disagrees or asks them to do something they've neglected. I.e. emotionally immature people who it really is not worth getting seriously involved with. If you are not being harsh or personal with your complaints, and are doing it in a level-headed, calm way, then IMO the problem is mostly with her, not you. I wonder what she does at work if her boss says she made a mistake, or didn't do the task as she should have. Does she whine at him too for being insensitive? So I would just recommend listening to how you convey your thoughts. Are you calm and neutral, or maybe a bit harsh and personal. Ask her for her opinion too - she might point out things you've said where you were a bit out of line.
Author Phateless Posted July 29, 2008 Author Posted July 29, 2008 IMO women who have a problem with open dialogue and constructive criticism are just like guys who punch the wall and shout when their gf/wife disagrees or asks them to do something they've neglected. I.e. emotionally immature people who it really is not worth getting seriously involved with. If you are not being harsh or personal with your complaints, and are doing it in a level-headed, calm way, then IMO the problem is mostly with her, not you. I wonder what she does at work if her boss says she made a mistake, or didn't do the task as she should have. Does she whine at him too for being insensitive? So I would just recommend listening to how you convey your thoughts. Are you calm and neutral, or maybe a bit harsh and personal. Ask her for her opinion too - she might point out things you've said where you were a bit out of line. see that was my thought process too, with my ex. so now i don't know if it's me or if i picked a girl with the same communication issue. amazing how we do that... i think it's a combination of me and her having trouble with criticism...
serial muse Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 see that was my thought process too, with my ex. so now i don't know if it's me or if i picked a girl with the same communication issue. amazing how we do that... i think it's a combination of me and her having trouble with criticism... I'd had a tendency to do this too, Phate - hold things in until they start to build up and become one big jumbled issue. And, of course, at some point it snaps and you just can't keep ANY of it in anymore. Result: person you're upset at is completely blindsided by your apparently sudden anger in multiple directions at once (which really isn't fair), feels hurt that you haven't expressed it earlier and have been going along like you're fine (somewhat deceptive) and bludgeoned by its intensity (which wouldn't have been the case if you'd expressed it earlier and in context). That doesn't mean you don't have legitimate things to say; but saying a handful of different criticisms and complaints that you've been saving up all at once and, very likely, with more anger and intensity than you would otherwise have expressed them is not fair to your GF. Because she has no reason to see that coming. That's a communication issue on your part - and I can say that because I have the same one! The truth is, even if the individual small things are justifiable comments, you do have some responsibility to speak them at the appropriate time and place, and not to let them fester. HOWEVER. I think this becomes tricky when you're with a partner who can't take even small comments, neutrally expressed, in a constructive way. Because in those cases, naturally you'd want to hold things in rather than start an unnecessary argument with someone who won't hear you. And if that's the case, that's a definite communication issue on her part. The question is - is that how she reacts to milder comments? Or is it more your fear that she'll react that way, based on your past experiences with other partners? The question you'd need to get to the bottom of here is whether your GF is able and willing to hear you when you need to express a need or hurt to her, without getting completely defensive. Do you feel like, in general, you could say things to her that she might not like, and be able to have an honest discussion about them? If she generally can handle it well, then it sounds like it's your own fears that are driving this, and they're something you'd need to take a closer look at. It's not surprising that this stuff would come out when you're actually in a relationship again and feeling more vulnerable, than when you're single and not emotionally invested in someone. But it's also part of the healing process - learning to understand how lingering fears and insecurities might be driving you, even without you realizing it. I know I'm still working on that.
Author Phateless Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 Wow, Muse, that was incredible. Thank you deeply, that was very good advice and perspective. I'll take all of that to heart.
serial muse Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 Wow, Muse, that was incredible. Thank you deeply, that was very good advice and perspective. I'll take all of that to heart. You're quite welcome, Phate. Hoping for the best for you guys.
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