Should I leave husband? Found out he has a 7yr emotional relationship.

[newlywed16]

Hi there,

I need your advice. I've been married for only 2 months but I just found out accidentally that he has been having this emotional relationship with another girl. I believe its been going on for 7 years now. There's no sex, but they are always chatting with each other online, flirting and going out for lunches and dinners behind my back. I am so hurt because I've been with him for 10 years before we got married and i just found out.

 

I tried to confront him. He lied and said he rarely sees her (I know they talk and meet up a lot). I asked him a lot of questions just to make him tell me the truth, but he continues to lie about it. He if told me the truth, I would be able to try to move on, but he won't.

 

He promised me he won't talk or see her again, but I'm not sure if I can trust him anymore.

 

It hurts so much that i have been crying everyday since I found out. Part of me I want to leave him, but I've only been married for 2 months. I think I would be able to take him having sex with strangers much better than this long-term relationship.

 

What should I do?

[whichwayisup]

Do you two have children?

If you do, then your marriage should be saved, atleast try to save it for the kids sake, but honestly, since you've only been married for 2 months and this EA has been going on for many years (are you sure they haven't been physical as well?) then really think if he's worth fighting for. He's lied to you, hidden this from you, kind of living a double life behind your back.

 

Does he know you know?

[beautifullove]

First, I can't imagine what that must be like, but you will overcome it. How you overcome it is the key question: Alone vs together???? Who has your husband known longer - you or the OW? If you've know each other longer, then if you decide to work it out, marraige c is essential. However, if he has known her longer, there's a huge problem.

[newlywed16]

Thanks for all your messages. He has known her longer (since they were young, and their parents have been long time friends), but we've been together longer.

 

We don't have kids and I am only 30, so I can definitely start a new life. The thing is....this emotional affair happened before marriage but when we were together. He didn't physically cheat, but he did dine her a lot and they talk online almost everyday.

 

Can I count this affair against him or am I expected to believe that things will be better from now on?

 

I actually was going to hold it in until I figured out what to do, but I confronted him today and he promised he wouldn't speak to her anymore. But when i asked him for detailed about their "friendship", he lied to me again. Can I trust him on this, that he wil end this "friendship"?

[Chinook]

How do you know he didn't physically cheat...?

 

I would say also that you answered your own question. He's with-held an inappropriate relationship from you for SEVEN YEARS. That's one hell of a long time. In order to do that he's been able to be economical with the truth and he's lied outright to you again since. I would say that no, you can't trust him. Sorry - but that's a fact he has proved by his behaviour.

[beautifullove]

I would definitely have a hard time trusting him. To be honest, do you believe he will stop communicating with her? If he does, will he be thinking of her instead? It will be hard to end this communication b/c of the family ties. Think hard about it, and be very realistic.

[SingleDad]

newlywed - Q: How/why did your H decide to marry you and not the OW ? Maybe knowing the answer to that may aleviate your concerns or answer your own questions...

[Lizzie60]

You've been married only 2 months BUT you've been together 10 years.. that's a long time..

 

I would not trust him for sure.. I would bet anything that if they talk and see each other that much.. they are having sex also..

 

It's up to you.. but once they are not 'as interested' emotionally with their partner the chances are very slim that they will change once they tasted what's outside (cake)..

[carhill]

What should I do?

 

1. Since he said he wouldn't speak to her again, expand that to all forms of contact. On LS, we call it "verifiable NC (no contact)".

 

2. Insist on MC. If he won't go, you have an answer. If he will, you can clarify the parameters of the affair's impact on your marriage/LTR and communicate each perspective in a neutral environment.

 

The above presumes you wish to remain in the M. If you don't, then cut your losses now (do not wait), since the longer you are married, the more socially and financially entangled you will become. Don't worry about what others think/feel. They don't have to live your life or be behind your closed doors.

 

My sympathies...I hope it works out for you...

[Keridan]

My advice, for what it's worth, is to tell him that if he wants a shot at getting your trust, he needs to go to counseling with you. Emotions ride high after a wedding and when you find out something dramatic like this. I'd say a bit of counseling and a little time are both called for in this situation.

 

You need a chance to settle down and decide how you feel with a cool head. You might decide you can't trust him after you calm down. That's understandable. He's a butthead to have hidden this from you. You still don't feel like you are getting the whole truth. It's very hard to recover from.

 

You might, however, by some miracle decide you can trust him again. That's your choice as well.

 

I just think you should try to think about it and talk it through, preferably with a mediator present.

[newlywed16]

you know, I actually had an issue with this girl before, and we had a big fight over this (7 years ago when they first started talking). I just found that after that, their emotional affair continued. I can't believe they continue to hang out and chat.

 

I have evidence but I cannot use it against him because I actually found it by snooping around (bad of me I know, buI I was very suspicious). Therefore, I can't really confront him and his lying!

 

I am also really jealous, because in his online chats with her, he's so much nicer, playful and flirtatious with her than he ever was with me. We fight a lot. He has never really been the romantic sort of guy (no flowers, presents unless I ask). He says he's not that type of person. Do you think he is this way because of his emotional affair?

 

To be honest, I don't think they had sex. But I think he thinks that their flirting and going out is not considered cheating because they didn't do it. Even if he no longer talks to her, I am just not sure if I can trust him anymore.

 

If I leave him now, i would very embarassed in front of family and friends.

 

Your advice is really appreciated.

[Chinook]

If I leave him now, I would very embarassed in front of family and friends.

Erm if it comes out it's an EA/PA which has been going on this long, you're going to feel that way if you stay with him!

[Lizzie60]

Just curious.. why did you two marry after 10 years.. ?

Were you living common-law before or were those 10 years dating only.

[newlywed16]

just dating only. Of the 10 years, we've been long distance the most recent three.

 

I actually tried to get him to fess up, I wanted to talk to him about his friendship with that woman. And he lied over and over again. He actually "swears on his life" about not seeing her that much. But I know that is a lie. If someone can swear on his life when he is outrightly lying, how can I trust him ever?

[carhill]

If I leave him now, i would very embarassed in front of family and friends.

 

Yes, you likely would be, and that's healthy; it means you value the relationship and its meaning. You would feel that 30 years from now if the same were to happen. The feeling doesn't change with time. Your work is to put this feeling, as well as all the others here, into perspective, and do what is healthy for you. You can't control your H, much as you think or may have been socialized to believe that you can. You can only control yourself, your actions and your reactions to his behavior.

 

What are you going to do?

[troubadour]

Newlywed16, it is very, very unlikly that it will ever work... run away as fast as you can... if you stay you will find yourself again in the same situation in the future... it is just a matter of time... you will just waste a few years of your life.

[jwi71]

Oh dear.

 

What on Earth makes you think there is no sex? He said so? Excuse me, but this "man" has been lying to your face for at least three years and lying in general for another 4. What makes you think he suddenly found an honest streak about his sex life and her?

 

To put it simply, he is a lying weasel. He spends time and money on her that should be spent on you. I'm not saying a spouse cannot have friends of the opposite sex but he spends more time with her than you - especially since you have to ask him to be romantic!

 

A marriage is a commitment between two people who put the needs of the couple before all others (until kids anyway). You seem to be upholding your end. Is he? And what might that be saying?

 

Words are easily lies - actions are more honest

[newlywed16]

if he agrees that he would stop contact and also go to counselling with me, do you think that's enough?

 

he's still withholding information like his message history, which I asked many times to see.

[carhill]

Full access to land phone, cell phone, e-mail and credit card records. Surrender of cell phone to you whenever you deem appropriate, kinda like a random drug test

 

Forget about history. It's not good. Seeing it isn't going to make it better. The future is what you need to worry about.

 

Verifiable NC (to the extent technology allows) and MC are a good start

[jwi71]

he's still withholding information like his message history, which I asked many times to see.

 

I have a real problem with that. What doesn't he want you to know? There is a difference between having private conversations with a friend and having private conversations with HER. You have every right to know what he is telling her. Considering the past they share, the lies he has told and the fact you are his WIFE - you are entitled to see them. Period.

 

If there is nothing to hide then there is nothing to hide. Except we all know there is something to hide. Hence all the lies. Thats what a lie is - an attempt to hide.

 

Demand those messages. You have every right all things considered.

 

I hope it works out for you in a manner you can live with.