ericanu Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 Ok guys, here’s the deal…I’ve been in a relationship for a while, about 2 years, but it just wasn’t working. So, I broke up with the guy a few months ago, he just wasn’t right for me…he wasn’t a bad person or anything. In general, I think I definitely made the right choice ending a bad relationship…but…even though I think I did the right thing, I’m feeling kind of unsure about who I am right how. I guess it’s just that all of a sudden I’m not anyone’s girlfriend anymore. On top of that, my ex said some really mean things to me when we were breaking up and they still upset me even though I know they shouldn’t. I love to go out and do nice things for people…I have a group of friends I’ve known for over almost 10 years that I enjoy spending time with and I often am the one that gets us together for things that everyone seems to have fun at, I volunteer at an animal shelter and I’m also heavily involved in teaching a creative writing class for inner city kids.. I think I’m a good, nice person, but my ex doesn’t seem to agree. He has told me he thinks I’m a heartless, cruel bitch and that he hates me. I tried to be nice when I was ending it with him, and I know it’s silly to be so upset still about what he said, but I’m worried that I’m not the good person that I thought I was. I just don’t know who this new single version of my self is going to be and it’s confusing. I want to stay a nice person. Do any of you guys feel this way, or am I just weird? Do you have any advice for me? I could really use it.
reservoirdog1 Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 Actually, I'm going through a breakup that shares some similar characteristics. I initiated the breakup three weeks ago; if you're interested in details, they can be found in my other posts. XGF has sent me a number of emails, some sad, some accepting, some angry. The angry ones are the hardest to deal with; in those I've been called an *********, a f****** prick, and a few other things. She ends up apologizing for those and blames it on her swings of emotion. She sent me one last night, which I got this morning. (Around 8 this morning she texted me, asking me to delete it without reading it because it was distorted and written from an angry place, but it was too late as I'd already read it.) In it, while she does accept some of the responsibility for me ending the relationship, she reiterates her view that I'm fundamentally selfish and immature, that I'm incapable of accepting love, and that her friends have remarked to her that they'd always felt awkward around me, and that I'm "socially odd". Which is the first time I'd ever heard that, whether from her, her friends, or anybody else in my life -- parents, my friends, my parents' friends (many of whom think I'm wonderful), etc. And while, like you, I don't really believe the negative things she's saying about me, on one level I wonder if some of it is true. IS there something wrong with me, as she asserts? Or is she the one with the problems, and I simply wasn't prepared to continue the relationship with her and her problems? Or if the truth is somewhere in between, is it closer to her view, or to mine? I'm not a saint or anything, but like you, I believe that I'm basically a good person. In my marriage, and in the majority of my subsequent relationships, I was the one who got dumped, rather than the other way around. Hell, most of my life I've basically been a classic "nice guy". She seems to disagree about that right now. From what you describe, it sounds like your ex was just talking out of anger. People who are angry are rarely capable of being objective, or of listening to anything other than their own anger. It causes distortions. And, there's nothing wrong with not being somebody's girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse/partner. For me, I'm embracing this time as an opportunity to rediscover myself, my own passions and life ambitions, spend time with my kids, reconnect with friends and family, focus on my career, get in shape, etc. I'm sure it won't be all roses, but it'll be better. Eventually, for you and for me, we will find the person and love we seek.
Ronni_W Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 , or am I just weird? I don't think you're 'weird' at all. I do think it's a mistake to base our opinions of ourselves on the misguided and inaccurate opinions of others. I suspect that your Heart is telling you that this guy was completely off-base...and I know it is always wisest to listen to one's own Heart . What you know, think and believe about yourself is the ONLY matter of any significance at all -- and your post suggests that you know yourself well, and that his version of you was only to suit his own agenda at the time. An agenda that included anger release as previous poster mentioned, and some lower-vibration desire to hurt, belittle and/or humiliate you. I would offer to not allow your thoughts to give him any power. He has no power over who you REALLY are, and no power to turn you into something that you are not, neither through his words nor thoughts. No worries, Ericanu - you ARE who you believe you are and who you want to be
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