Bummed&Hurt Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I haven't posted hear at LoveShack for quite some time and thought I might. I started posting hear back in November when my wife wanted some time apart. You can read my posts by searching for "Double Whammy". In brief, my wife was having a PA with a man that was a co-worker, her boss, and we ran around with him and his wife to family vacations and social events all the time. Both of them would never admit to the affair until the end of December I found some love letters she wrote, confronted her and she finally admitted it was true. Eventually she seen him for the narcissist scum bag he is and figured out he would never leave his family. We have been trying to put our marriage back together. We are back living together and going to marriage counseling. She is trying and seems genuine and very remorseful for what has happened. I sometimes feel like such a wimp for taking her back but the way my children acted during this time was awful to see. They seem so much more calm and secure with us together. I'm not sure why I'm posting just to vent a little. I have down days when I think of her screwing the OM. Especially since his life has changed very little. But I love my wife and she seems to be trying hard to get things back together. I know success stories of reconciliation hear at LS are rare, so I was just wondering what everyone thought. Thanks......
SingleDad Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 BH - I want / need to hear success stories... I need to keep the hope alive... To much "face reality" advice here. I am facing reality, but with a glimmer of hope For your reconciliation to be complete, you need to try to forget that there was an OM. It will remain a knife between you. Realize that there were other men before she met you and you still fell in love and married W. You are starting a new life together - keep the past in the past.
troubadour Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 You could file a lawsuite against her boss and/or his business. I have never been cheated on in any serious relationship so I am not bitter or anything like this but... that is what I would do if I were in your shoes. I have rather very liberal views on relationships but I would never tolerate an affair between my wife and her boss... expecially that you seem to be rather close friends. Was there anything else left she could do to disrespect you more than she did... she takes you on vacation with his family and f.... him behind you back. They must have cracked quite a few jocks about you between... all these OHs and AHs. I think you have let them off too easily... both of them. I understand how it impacts your children but I think that you should take a close look at the situation you are in. As far as her remorse... I would be very sceptical... she did not end affair on her own... she just got busted. Does she has any other options than to be remorsful? I doubt. I admire you for how you handle the situation but I think your undertanding attitude may bite you in the a.. in the future again. It is just my $0.02. I hope I did not sound to harsh.
porter218 Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 Hey Bummed, It gets better over time...lots of time. And time apart usually helps. those memories of her affair will fade and will become less painful as time goes on. I found that talking about it to my husband and family whenever I was having trouble coping with my husbands affair helped a lot. I didn't keep it bottled up and I always let him know how I was feeling about it. After having enough open discussions with my husband about it, it then became less painful to bring up. It may be rare to recover from these things but not impossible. My husband and I obviously still have problems, but in general our relationship is much better now then it was before or during the affair.
Simon Leon Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I have a close friend at work whose wife had an affiar many years ago. He said it took about 2 years to get their marrage back to a strong relationship again. He said it is now a very strong marrage. She strayed for a reason. You need to make sure she never has another reason.
dead-dyke Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Keep fightin'. I have heard this as well, that after a marriage has gone through the roughest of times, and the effort has been made, the bond is that much stronger. Every situation is indeed different, as well as opinions.
jwi71 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 She strayed for a reason. You need to make sure she never has another reason. I'm not sure I agree. Yes, she (like my wife) strayed for a reason. However, it is not up to you, the faithful spouse, to make sure she has does not have another reason. That is futile and impossible in my world of thinking. I do not believe, imo, that any one person can always and forever fully satisfy the needs of another. Those voids are filled by her (and your) friends. Thats what friends are for if you ask me. So to try and ensure that all her needs are met all the time isn't going to work. She needs to explore what is missing and hopefully you can fulfill that need. If not, she needs to either live with it or move on. True of any relationship I think.
Author Bummed&Hurt Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 Thank you all for your replies. I can relate to your comments. I know that my wife and the OM did sit around when they were together and bad mouth both me and his spouse. I'm sure they had a good time together when this happened. I love my wife and want us to get our marriage back and stronger than ever. I do have really bad days, which is why I posted yesterday out of the blue. My wife is trying, and was very supportive yesterday when I was having problems apologizing and saying she was sorry. It's just lately I can't get them out of mind screwing. She had moved out in November into a trailer house took some of our furniture and bought some new. When she came back she had a yard sale and basically sold everything that was in that place. The things that was ours and the stuff she bought. She wants to forget it ever happened, as do I, but it is hard. I worry about what she feels about me and what other people who know think. She is my wife and the mother of my children. Its just hard being married and in love with a person who could do this to you. I worry if this will happen in the future. Thus the title of this thread Success Story?
Ronni_W Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 It's just lately I can't get them out of mind screwing. I worry about what she feels about me and what other people who know think. I worry if this will happen in the future. Bummed, The way I see it, at THIS particular moment in time, YES! you do have a success story . And in THIS moment...and in this one, too. Oops, they are all going by too fast. But they do add up to a lot of successes, in my books. Notice how all of it is dependent on what the mind chooses to do with the information it is presented? And your mind has the power to mess-up all of it, too, IF you allow it (your mind) to act in unruly ways, without your consent or instruction, giving attention/focus to mental pictures of them screwing, and negative mental thoughts (worry, fear, etc.) There's also nothing useful or productive in thinking about the "good time they had" badmouthing you or whatever else. YOUR thoughts, the power of you own mind, can ensure your continued success IF you decide to start doing some better mind/thought management. You can learn techniques from any or all: mindfulness meditation, self-hypnosis, visualization, positive self-talk and creating/using affirmations. What other people think about your situation is their business. Their opinion is powerless to effect a positive or negative outcome for you -- again, it's gonna be your OWN thoughts (about their thoughts) that will encourage or discourage your continued success. You do have power of choice to not let external garbage and 'noise' affect your own mindset. So...how do you feel about THIS moment? Still successful? And what do you choose to think, right NOW, about the possibility that all troubles are well and truly behind you (save for that thought-management stuff, that YOU still have to get a handle on)? PS: Regarding positive self-talk and affirmations...er, I'm thinking there has got to be a more success-inspiring username that you can create for yourself(?)
Simon Leon Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 I would try to forgive her as much as you can. You don't have to forgive what she did......just forgive her. I hope very much that you guys can work it out and become stronger from all of this. If people can't work through their relationships.....I'm going to lose my trust in love....and that wouldn't be a good thing now would it?
Ronni_W Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 ...and that wouldn't be a good thing now would it? Definitely not! Do everything you can, Simon, to keep a really tight hold on your trust, hope and desire for Love to overcome seemingly insurmountable challenges -- some people do want to rip that right out of one's hands (and heart), and it's up to us to not allow them to do that.
Billy Bob Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 It's just lately I can't get them out of mind screwing. She had moved out in November into a trailer house took some of our furniture and bought some new. When she came back she had a yard sale and basically sold everything that was in that place. The things that was ours and the stuff she bought. She wants to forget it ever happened, as do I, but it is hard. Once a cheater, always a cheater.. She was dickin some other guy, couldn't wait to leave you for him... it didn't work out so back to #2. You are fall back plan... until something better comes along again.. Do yourself a favor and find someone with some moral fortitude. If you stay in this relationship you will always have questions... was OM better in the sack?.. Does she still want OM? Does she think of OM in bed with you? Is she going to do it again with someone else? Are you second best? what else is she lying about? Find someone who makes you their #1 choice, not the backup plan. In the long run you will be happier.
TrustInYourself Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 No advice. Just support. Much love. You are walking the long hard road. As far as CTA's advice. His avatar is a ****ing cyclops with an arrow in his chest. A CYCLOPS!
Author Bummed&Hurt Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 Thanks for all the messages. I still love my wife and want things to work out. It's hard knowing that the woman you love could do such a thing to you, but I am trying to forgive not forget. In our MC sessions our therapist basically rakes her over the coals and she always takes what's coming to her. It's hard sometimes watching this but she always seems like she will do anything to get us back on track. She told me in one of the sessions that it crossed the line in July of last year and the PA started in August. I'm worried about reliving everything that happened last year during this time. Thanks for your messages......
TrustInYourself Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Exactly. It's hard. I know. I envy you. I hate you. Why?! That's my reaction. Kinda wild. My bad if it's too base and fundamental.
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