confusednlost Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 Ok I've never posted here and I was looking for information on this situation I have and ended up here. I'm 28 y/o male, I have a decent job that pulls in good money, and I'm heading towards the 6 figure range in my career. I don't like dating a lot and because of that I have had only a few partners in life(less than 10). With that being said; I have a situation. I have been dating a pretty wonderful girl for the last 8 months or so. We have talked about marriage, and for once I actually believe this would be possible with this person. There is one glitch(hence this post). I feel my sex drive and her sex drive do not match up. It has been about 6 weeks since we have done anything in that regard. She assures me that it is not because she is disinterested in me, but rather that circumstances are the problem. Even though she spends a good amount of time spending the night at my apartment. I agree that she has been busy with work and going out of town, but that does not seem to quantify enough reasons for this long of a period without intimacy. I would not have a problem if she was pregnat or some other situations was occuring, but this seems like she is outright not interested. I have discussed this with her, and she says a normal intimacy level would be a least once a week or so, which I agreed. That was 6 weeks ago, and reverified yesterday. Over the past couple weeks I find myself wanting to find some solution without leaving the one I love. Here are my questions. What is a normal/healthy intimacy level? At what point can you determine if your urges are valid? What are the proper courses of actions?(stick it out, or find someone new) Thank you for your time confused
stoopid_guy Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 (This "infidelity" forum probly isn't the best place for this thread.) What's "normal?" Depends on the individual. How much does it take for you to be content? How much does it take for her to be content? My advice to you: Get this resolved before you seriously consider marriage. If she's simply low/no libido, it's not going to improve once your bonds are tighter. Try to get her interested, figure out what (if anything) works. Don't threaten, don't be "mean" about it. If SHE doesn't want intimicy at least enough to keep you reasonably happy, RUN WHILE YOU CAN! Find someone you are compatable with. Let her find someone she is compatable with.
Horse Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I am (hopefully not) your future. I believed my wife (then girlfriend) when she said she was just busy or stressed and things will get better when she is finished with whatever was taking up all of her time or stressing her out... Now I am lucky if we have sex once a month. There is and there always be something else that makes her too busy, because sex is very low on her list of priorities. Don't worry about what is "normal". Worry about what you can accept. If you can't live with sex once every six weeks, then you have to take action. Talk to her. Tell her as frankly as possible how important this is to you. Then give her some time. Things will probably get better for a month or two then go back to the same old thing. If they stays better, then you are golden. If not, then find someone else.
mark982 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 buddy, it "will" only get worse (trust me on this) if you ain't getting no loving now.you better become best friends with your hand.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Here are my questions. What is a normal/healthy intimacy level? At what point can you determine if your urges are valid? What are the proper courses of actions?(stick it out, or find someone new) Thank you for your time confused Don't Marry Her! Don't Marry Her! Don't Marry Her! I'm your age... and I've made that mistake before. SHE ISNT WORTH IT! Dump her or cut your balls off. Women with low sex drives just use sex to keep you around nothing more. So get out now while you can!
mental_traveller Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Actions speak louder than words, and her actions (or lack thereof) are speaking loud and clear. She just isn't that interested in sex. If this soon in the "relationship" you are already so bothered by it that you are posting on an anonymous internet forum for advice, then it's a racing certainty you are not going to be happy sexually with this woman. It doesn't matter how nice she is, how hot she is, how much in common you have, if your sexual relationship is mediocre then the relationship is doomed. Ditch her nicely and just keep her as a platonic friend. Forget any notion of her as a girlfriend. Relationships need sex. Without that, you are just buddies. Don't confuse the two.
audrey_1 Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Actions speak louder than words, and her actions (or lack thereof) are speaking loud and clear. She just isn't that interested in sex. If this soon in the "relationship" you are already so bothered by it that you are posting on an anonymous internet forum for advice, then it's a racing certainty you are not going to be happy sexually with this woman. It doesn't matter how nice she is, how hot she is, how much in common you have, if your sexual relationship is mediocre then the relationship is doomed. Ditch her nicely and just keep her as a platonic friend. Forget any notion of her as a girlfriend. Relationships need sex. Without that, you are just buddies. Don't confuse the two. What if the situation is reversed? I am the woman who wants the sex, but he has slacked off. He was flirty and sexy this weekend, but I didn't pursue it since we hadn't seen each other in a while. I don't want to seem like I'm available for it according to his schedule only. We're camping this weekend, though, so maybe we can make up for lost time.
Lucky555 Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 I think there are issues regarding her interest in sex with you. There is something that she isn't telling you i believe. Yes, she may be busy but maybe there is something your not doing. Talk to her about it.
LakesideDream Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 What if the situation is reversed? I am the woman who wants the sex, but he has slacked off. He was flirty and sexy this weekend, but I didn't pursue it since we hadn't seen each other in a while. I don't want to seem like I'm available for it according to his schedule only. We're camping this weekend, though, so maybe we can make up for lost time. Makes a lot of sense to me (NOT)... He's flirty and sexy so you "cut him off" because you haven't seen each other in "a while". You don't want to seem available..... And I'll bet that you rant about his callous lack of respect when he leaves you for that hottie at work. The world operates on positive reinforcement. Positive reinforcement for behavior you appreciate. No reinforcemtent for for behaviour you don't appreciate. Negetive reinforcement (means attention) is second best to positive reinforcement. .... the only way to change behavior is to not reinforce behavior you don't like. In the old school venacular... cutting off your nose to spite your face isn't productive.
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