ioncebelieved Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I had a had a long talk with my brother last night as I was feeling sorry for myself and he made me see things in a different light. I was rehashing the last two years of my life with the ex and other failures with him. It occurred to me that I gave my VERY best in my failed relationship! I was picture perfect just about! Thinking this makes me KNOW and UNDERSTAND it was not me that caused everything to go south, it was her!!! If my ex did not want to spend her life with me it will be her that misses out on such greatness and someone else would get the prize because they had enough common sense to see what they have. Take relief in knowing if you gave your best that is all you can do!!! If your ex cannot appreciate that someone WILL! Today I am further along in my NC and healing and know things will improve!!!!
v33 Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 No, I didn't. But I didn't know any better at the time. She didn't make it easy, but I was with her for the wrong reasons and there wasn't enough substance in the relationship, nor in her or I, to really make an honest attempt. I sacrificed a lot, yes, and there were times when I gave what I think was more than any person was capable of, but without a solid foundation it wouldn't be enough. It's all good though. I wasn't ready and neither was she. We were both very broken people, but I didn't know it. I think she knew. She told me she would drive me away when I gave her the love she wanted. I am lucky to have learned a lot through the relationship and especially after. I know what I want now, and I am ready to receive it as well as give myself honestly to my partner. Sadly, my ex is still very damaged and I don't see things getting better for her soon. As much as I wasn't perfect for her, I was good to her and she was safe and cared for with me. I fear that she will find herself in a unhealthy relationship in the future if she refuses to accept what she needs to deal with and accept that it wasn't all my fault.
Author ioncebelieved Posted July 29, 2008 Author Posted July 29, 2008 [quote=v33;1768935 I am lucky to have learned a lot through the relationship and especially after. I know what I want now, and I am ready to receive it as well as give myself honestly to my partner Sadly, my ex is still very damaged and I don't see things getting better for her soon. As much as I wasn't perfect for her, I was good to her and she was safe and cared for with me. I fear that she will find herself in a unhealthy relationship in the future if she refuses to accept what she needs to deal with and accept that it wasn't all my fault. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Prepared you for what is to come my friend!! This time around I did just about everything right!!!! The next go will be no different. If you love someone and they love you GIVE IT YOUR BEST, that's all you can do. Otherwise you are still practicing.
v33 Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I am giving it my all, completely and honestly, and I am getting it all back! Really, I can't believe how differently I see relationships and everything else now. Thanks for the encouragement!
Author ioncebelieved Posted July 29, 2008 Author Posted July 29, 2008 I am giving it my all, completely and honestly, and I am getting it all back! Really, I can't believe how differently I see relationships and everything else now. Thanks for the encouragement! Any damn time!!! We are all in this together!!!!!
Ronni_W Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 No, I didn't. But I didn't know any better at the time. I have the same problem of judging my past actions, beliefs and attitudes by my current levels of self-awareness, understanding of life, and coping methods that I've subsequently learned. But if I go back and apply a standard ONLY of what I knew then, then definitely yes, I did do what was my very best...AT THAT TIME. Kind of, 'yesterday' I did my very best but I do intend to keep raising the bar of what my "best" is...so I guess I kind of hope that was not my ULTIMATE best that I did 'yesterday' ~~ I am holding out hope that I have even more potential, as yet untapped. Hhmmm...it sounds a bit combobulated, but I think I know what I mean
Author ioncebelieved Posted July 29, 2008 Author Posted July 29, 2008 I have the same problem of judging my past actions, beliefs and attitudes by my current levels of self-awareness, understanding of life, and coping methods that I've subsequently learned. But if I go back and apply a standard ONLY of what I knew then, then definitely yes, I did do what was my very best...AT THAT TIME. Kind of, 'yesterday' I did my very best but I do intend to keep raising the bar of what my "best" is...so I guess I kind of hope that was not my ULTIMATE best that I did 'yesterday' ~~ I am holding out hope that I have even more potential, as yet untapped. Hhmmm...it sounds a bit combobulated, but I think I know what I mean LET ME CLARIFY SOMETHING. GIVE IT YOUR BEST WITHOUT LOSING YOURSELF. Be you regardless and set the boundaries early on that will build self respect in the long term. I will never allow anyone to cross my boundaries, EVER AGAIN!!!
critter909 Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I think I did the best with a bad situation. I have a lot of regrets and of course wish I had done many things differently but in the end I think things were going to go how they were going to go and I could not have done much more, just delayed it. So I think I did ok, have learned an unbelievable amount from the R and break up, have so much more to give next time.
Ronni_W Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 GIVE IT YOUR BEST WITHOUT LOSING YOURSELF. Yes, of course ~ who ELSE would I want to be my best for? Like the line in 'My Way' goes: "Regrets...I have a few...but then again, too few to mention." That has more or less been my goal, since as far back as my memory allows me to go. Well, the whole song, really, has been part of my philosophy. I like it.
Nevermind Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 No, I didn't. After some ... incidents, my feelings of self-worth went downhill very fast. It became more apparent, when we switched to LDR mode. I was always so nervous around him, hardly slept at all. He called me stupid all the time, and I kept making mistakes. I really tried to make him happy, but in the end I was just a shadow of the real me. The blame is on both of us. But I learned a lot, about myself, about people, and about relationships.
Author ioncebelieved Posted July 29, 2008 Author Posted July 29, 2008 No, I didn't. After some ... incidents, my feelings of self-worth went downhill very fast. It became more apparent, when we switched to LDR mode. I was always so nervous around him, hardly slept at all. He called me stupid all the time, and I kept making mistakes. I really tried to make him happy, but in the end I was just a shadow of the real me. The blame is on both of us. But I learned a lot, about myself, about people, and about relationships. I was nervous early on as she was, of course she had more to be nervous about. When you finally get comfortable with them that is the time to shine. I shined all so brightly. What is the old adage, "relationship that start out hotter usually end colder"? That is so true!!
Nevermind Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I am sure you shone brightly. My candle was put out pretty early. Again, I didn't fight this enough.
Peter_pan Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 no i didnt either. i wish i had so i could look back and think "at least i put all my effort into it" i let it slip, and its as if neither of us could be bothered to make it work, or get along nicely. we argued a lot and pressure built up. so when i look back it does make me feel a little regretful in that sense. i wish i had tried harder. i guess i thought it would never end on the other hand i know that when i really do try hard, then it will be glorious! and the girl will be very lucky.
Author ioncebelieved Posted July 29, 2008 Author Posted July 29, 2008 no i didnt either. i wish i had so i could look back and think "at least i put all my effort into it" i let it slip, and its as if neither of us could be bothered to make it work, or get along nicely. we argued a lot and pressure built up. so when i look back it does make me feel a little regretful in that sense. i wish i had tried harder. i guess i thought it would never end on the other hand i know that when i really do try hard, then it will be glorious! and the girl will be very lucky. You shall be Glorious and she will be very lucky! Now you know what is wrong, FIX IT!
babes23 Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I gave it my all, in the end there was nothing left to give. If the other person isn't making the effort then the relationship isn't going to get anywhere.
sunshinegirl Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I gave it my all, and gave him much more than I ever received in return. That being said, his being so closed off emotionally led me to start closing down verbally with him. I stopped initiating conversations of substance because I learned they wouldn't go anywhere - he wouldn't engage. And I didn't want to be the only person responsible for communicating. But my own silence then reinforced his. So. There's that.
Grace112 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 No - I didn't. I had a breakdown with him where I said some really awful things. The self-pitying "everyone's against me and everything is unfair" attitude that he bore started wearing very thin. The past 4 places of business he worked at - he always had an issue with the boss. Rather than examining what he could've done to contribute to the poor regard his supervisors may/may not have held for him - he blamed them for being unfair. I said - "I'm sorry I thought you were ever going to make anything of yourself." Probably the worst thing you could ever say to a partner. Granted, I know 2 of the 4 past bosses on a personal level and knew what he had done to have them lose faith in him. However, as a partner, you should never say anything that makes your S.O. think you've lost faith in him/her. I'll never forgive myself for saying that. Never ever ever
justaman99 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I definitely did not do the best I could. Here is a list of the things I did wrong. 1. When she would get mad at me I would shut down and not stand up for myself and express my feelings. This was a result of her anger towards me whenever I did try to express myself and some problems I was having. Even when I understood her position about a problem it was never enough to say "I understand" and "I'm sorry", which I truly was. I wasn't perfect, but still I shouldn't have backed down and shut up. I should have continued to stand my ground. 2. I spent every minute of every day with her. I went out of my way to support her the only way I knew how. I helped her buy a car, got it checked out, went to the DMV, cards, flowers, made her dinner, took her places, dishes, laundry, got her settled in her new apt, helped her move in, built new things for her apt, helped secure the place, found her a tutor, helped her with school, made her coffee every morning, loved her the best I knew how. The problem was I forgot about me. The moment I said I need a couple days a week for myself she took this as me becoming distant and removing myself from the relationship. She would call me on my "nights off" and give me the sweet voice and the I miss yous. I would hop in my car and go spend the night with her without thinking twice. The problem again, was I let her control me and didn't stand up for what I needed. That was a mistake. 3. I put her first in everything. Before friends, family and me. I'll never do that again. It sapped my self respect and my identity and indepedence which in any relationship is important. I lost myself. 4. I wasn't patient and I didn't express myself when she would ask the questions about us. I shut down because I was hurt. I shouldn't have done that. 5. I let her disrespect me. 6. When she was staying with me I made room in my closet and dresser for her clothes and stuff. I even gave her the garage spot. I wanted her to be comfortable. When I was staying with her she did nothing to make me feel comfortable at her place even though she wanted me to stay there all the time. I was not happy about it but I didn't say anything. I lived out of a basket. 7. She wanted to do something more fun for New Years. Although she didn't express her need very well to me I knew she wanted to. I should have done what she wanted in this case. This was a big mistake. 8. Our communication was poor all in all. This is what broke us. 9. I'll mess up again in future relationships. It's inevitable but I'll do better dealing with those mistakes than i have because of this experience. That's for sure. So communication and boundaries are things I have never really known about or how to do well. Today I know that I will be much better in these areas than I have been. No ones perfect and no two people are 100% compatible. Some areas take work, compromise, respect and understanding. What is considered perfect for one person isn't for the next and to be honest nobody wants to be with someone that is perfect. It's boring. At least that is my take. -Just
kizik Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 I definitely did not do the best I could. Here is a list of the things I did wrong. 1. When she would get mad at me I would shut down and not stand up for myself and express my feelings. This was a result of her anger towards me whenever I did try to express myself and some problems I was having. Even when I understood her position about a problem it was never enough to say "I understand" and "I'm sorry", which I truly was. I wasn't perfect, but still I shouldn't have backed down and shut up. I should have continued to stand my ground. 2. I spent every minute of every day with her. I went out of my way to support her the only way I knew how. I helped her buy a car, got it checked out, went to the DMV, cards, flowers, made her dinner, took her places, dishes, laundry, got her settled in her new apt, helped her move in, built new things for her apt, helped secure the place, found her a tutor, helped her with school, made her coffee every morning, loved her the best I knew how. The problem was I forgot about me. The moment I said I need a couple days a week for myself she took this as me becoming distant and removing myself from the relationship. She would call me on my "nights off" and give me the sweet voice and the I miss yous. I would hop in my car and go spend the night with her without thinking twice. The problem again, was I let her control me and didn't stand up for what I needed. That was a mistake. 3. I put her first in everything. Before friends, family and me. I'll never do that again. It sapped my self respect and my identity and indepedence which in any relationship is important. I lost myself. 4. I wasn't patient and I didn't express myself when she would ask the questions about us. I shut down because I was hurt. I shouldn't have done that. 5. I let her disrespect me. 6. When she was staying with me I made room in my closet and dresser for her clothes and stuff. I even gave her the garage spot. I wanted her to be comfortable. When I was staying with her she did nothing to make me feel comfortable at her place even though she wanted me to stay there all the time. I was not happy about it but I didn't say anything. I lived out of a basket. 7. She wanted to do something more fun for New Years. Although she didn't express her need very well to me I knew she wanted to. I should have done what she wanted in this case. This was a big mistake. 8. Our communication was poor all in all. This is what broke us. 9. I'll mess up again in future relationships. It's inevitable but I'll do better dealing with those mistakes than i have because of this experience. That's for sure. So communication and boundaries are things I have never really known about or how to do well. Today I know that I will be much better in these areas than I have been. No ones perfect and no two people are 100% compatible. Some areas take work, compromise, respect and understanding. What is considered perfect for one person isn't for the next and to be honest nobody wants to be with someone that is perfect. It's boring. At least that is my take. -Just I did many of the same things you did, Just. Why do we let people take such control of our lives, when we are quite clearly not as important to them? Great post. -k
sedgwick Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 As much as I've blamed myself, I know without question that I was a better partner in this relationship than I've ever been before. I was an awesome girlfriend, I really was. I could not have been more loving or accepting or tolerant or supportive. I really loved him and he made me want to be the best possible version of myself. I can honestly say I tried my best. I know that somewhere, somebody I don't know yet would love to have a gf who cared about him like I care(d) about my ex. A girl who has her own life, her own passions, and is generally really positive and driven. There has to be some decent guy out there somewhere who would want that...doesn't there?
justaman99 Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 I did many of the same things you did, Just. Why do we let people take such control of our lives, when we are quite clearly not as important to them? Great post. -k We got suckered by beauty. I bet your ex was hot. I bent over backwards for that. I have always gone for the hot ones and not really worried or thought much about the other aspects of a relationship. Now that I am a little older things are a little different. When we're younger, in our 20s and dating, we have to learn these things somehow. Glad I did what I did though otherwise the next one that comes along I'd screw myself again. Hang in there pain pal. -Just
Author ioncebelieved Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 We got suckered by beauty. I bet your ex was hot. I bent over backwards for that. I have always gone for the hot ones and not really worried or thought much about the other aspects of a relationship. Now that I am a little older things are a little different. When we're younger, in our 20s and dating, we have to learn these things somehow. Glad I did what I did though otherwise the next one that comes along I'd screw myself again. Hang in there pain pal. -Just I believe the "suckered by beauty" a little, but for me was what I thought she was made of.... Almost seemed perfect with some class. One of the very few women I dated that did not curse. She seemed to have ethics and morals, but that later proved to be a falsehood!! I GAVE HER MY VERY BEST!!!
foxh1234 Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 I absolutely 100% did the best I could. It obviously wasn't enough.
Author ioncebelieved Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 I absolutely 100% did the best I could. It obviously wasn't enough. You sir, shall be rewarded in the future for that too! You still are one strong MOFO!!! The ass kicker of it all is do you feel like you wasted it on the wrong person? I sure as hell do!!
Zap Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 I absolutely 100% did the best I could. It obviously wasn't enough. Same here... early on she had some breakdowns that gave me the idea of cutting off everything before I got attached. Instead I tried my hardest to make everything work. After a while I changed and lost myself in her. Then she threw me away. I tried everything to fix it, once I stopped trying (aka: begging, questioning, and basically harassing her) we never spoke again. I regret everything I did. I wish once she said "I want a break" I had just gotten up and never spoken to her again, which is what I plan to do in every relationship from now on. Now I'm a different person, and I don't believe I'm as nice as I once one. Instead of trying hard to please everyone else I've become more self-absorbed. I enjoy being reclusive much more than I used to. Was it worth it?....well I can't tell you to be sure
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