SnowWhite924 Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 How do you break the addiction of the affair when it's all you've concentrated on for a long time? I've been with OM for 11 months and even though I'm not in love with him and wouldn't want him as my H, I find it hard to let go. Recently, I've made progress when I told MM my plans changed and I could not see him. I know a month ago, I would've jumped at the chance to spend time with him. A wise LS member said I was addicted to the momentum of the A and it was familiar place to me. How do I break this addiction?
whichwayisup Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 You keep busy and find hobbies, other interests to get your mind off of him. Focus on family, friends, school, work, whatever ... You don't love him and don't want him as your husband, then this should be easier because your heart isn't into it - It's a bad habit now.. Everytime you find yourself thinking of him, change your thought pattern. Focus on the negatives and also not for long. Distractions, changing your routines, not allowing yourself to think about him or fantasize about him before bed, early morning etc.. YOU are incontrol here, tell your brain that.
Meaplus3 Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 How do you break the addiction of the affair when it's all you've concentrated on for a long time? I've been with OM for 11 months and even though I'm not in love with him and wouldn't want him as my H, I find it hard to let go. Recently, I've made progress when I told MM my plans changed and I could not see him. I know a month ago, I would've jumped at the chance to spend time with him. A wise LS member said I was addicted to the momentum of the A and it was familiar place to me. How do I break this addiction? Plenty of distractions and strict NC. Also, keep posting and reading. Best wishes. AP:)
soda Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 How do you break the addiction of the affair when it's all you've concentrated on for a long time? I've been with OM for 11 months and even though I'm not in love with him and wouldn't want him as my H, I find it hard to let go. Recently, I've made progress when I told MM my plans changed and I could not see him. I know a month ago, I would've jumped at the chance to spend time with him. A wise LS member said I was addicted to the momentum of the A and it was familiar place to me. How do I break this addiction? You must go absolute NC. This includes not thinking about your past together. The addiction of the affair creates fogged thinking. It makes you see the situation as much better than it actually is. Keep yourself busy to make it through the weak moments. If he contacts you, do not respond. Get involved with friends. You've probably placed some strain on old friendships/relationships because during the A, only MM mattered. Use this time to heal and mend your old relationships.
Lizzie60 Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 How do you break the addiction of the affair when it's all you've concentrated on for a long time? I've been with OM for 11 months and even though I'm not in love with him and wouldn't want him as my H, I find it hard to let go. Recently, I've made progress when I told MM my plans changed and I could not see him. I know a month ago, I would've jumped at the chance to spend time with him. A wise LS member said I was addicted to the momentum of the A and it was familiar place to me. How do I break this addiction? There is ONLY ONE way... no contact.. simple.. especially now that you're not that into him.. it should be easier..
John Who Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 Damn snowwhite just chill and stay away from him,if your not into him how hard is it to get over him unless you really are into him.
simplegirl Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I knew I never wanted my xMM to be my H but I loved him. It was just a different kind of love. That is why it was so hard for me to give him up. It is an addiction and when he was gone I missed him terribly. We still see each other and talk but I had to go complete NC for almost 3 months for us to get to this place. If you really want it to end you can do this.
mistresswchildren Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 An addiction is just that, an addiction. You are never truly over the addiction. You stop using, yes, but the minute you take the drug again, you relapse. The issue is that you need to get the drug out of your system. People, places, and things. I have so many members of my family that have had some sort of addiction, and so I have talked with Alanon groups. That is support groups for family members of the addicts. You have to want to change the patterns. Stop talking to him entirely. I know it is easier said than done, but without doing so, you will keep using the "drug." If you are around him for whatever reason, don't go to those places any longer. If you have a keepsake from your relationship, get rid of it. You will never stop using if the drug of choice is right in front of you. I know it isn't easy, but it is better than being an addict for the rest of your life. Affairs affect people in much the same way that a drug addiction would. Maybe, not to the same degree, but in the same manner. You get distracted in your job because you are thinking of the MM. You stop socializing with your regular friends. You become alienated from your family because you know what they would think about your relationship. All of this is similar to the affects of drug use. Kick the "drug" and you will be happier.
Tomcat33 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Cold turkey my dear it has to be done cut and dry and with 100% conviction. I am not talking about being 100% capable of dealing with the termination emotionally speaking because you won't it will be hard and you will get tempted a lot in your head. I do mean 100% conviction. Conviction is important in this because you will have many weak moments, many moments of wanting to throw in the towel and "seeing just a little bit more if we can work this out, "one more text to see how he is doing" "one more email" so when those moments happen and they do come often especially in the begining you will have to resort to your own conviction and will power to to say NO. I cannot do that, and I WILL NOT fall back on my word because this is what I want for myself Draft out what you want for yourself, where do you ultimately want to get? Set out a CLEAR goal for where you want to go and you will do everything possible to reach it. Athletes use the visualization of their goal they see themselves scoring that touch down or getting that hole in one. They see it and draw their energy in that direction. Thought is everything. Conviction is reached through focus, it is all in your thought process, you can choose to focus on the good or you can choose to focus on the bad. When it comes to him and what you have with him, focusing on the bad is KEY here. I know there is plenty good to focus on but the good is your enemy right now. You will involuntarily focus on the good by default, because this is the way your brain is wired right now while it is ruled by the heart so you need to SNAP out of that. There is plenty time once you are healed to reminisce on the good and the good only. You are programmed to only think of the good right now because you are being ruled by emotion so the only way you can break that pattern is to change your mental FOCUS, or thought process. It doesn't happen magically and you need to deprogram your mind. Most importantly be patient with yourself, don't expect to be anywhere you are not, and have expectations that are within reason. Wanting to reach out in a moment of weaknes is NOT weak, reaching out and breaking the silence IS. And even if you do follow through with a weakness don't beat yourself up for it, don't dwell because the more you dwell your mishaps the more FOCUS you lose. It is ALL a process SnowWhite and it will take hard work but it does get easier and DO acknowledge every small achievement you accomplish to stay on track. While you praise yourself for having strong conviction, you can use your bad energy to focus on him. This balance will see you through the roughest of days and eventually you won't have to think to act you will just act.
astra77 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Cold turkey my dear it has to be done cut and dry and with 100% conviction. I am not talking about being 100% capable of dealing with the termination emotionally speaking because you won't it will be hard and you will get tempted a lot in your head. I do mean 100% conviction. Conviction is important in this because you will have many weak moments, many moments of wanting to throw in the towel and "seeing just a little bit more if we can work this out, "one more text to see how he is doing" "one more email" so when those moments happen and they do come often especially in the begining you will have to resort to your own conviction and will power to to say NO. I cannot do that, and I WILL NOT fall back on my word because this is what I want for myself Draft out what you want for yourself, where do you ultimately want to get? Set out a CLEAR goal for where you want to go and you will do everything possible to reach it. Athletes use the visualization of their goal they see themselves scoring that touch down or getting that hole in one. They see it and draw their energy in that direction. Thought is everything. Conviction is reached through focus, it is all in your thought process, you can choose to focus on the good or you can choose to focus on the bad. When it comes to him and what you have with him, focusing on the bad is KEY here. I know there is plenty good to focus on but the good is your enemy right now. You will involuntarily focus on the good by default, because this is the way your brain is wired right now while it is ruled by the heart so you need to SNAP out of that. There is plenty time once you are healed to reminisce on the good and the good only. You are programmed to only think of the good right now because you are being ruled by emotion so the only way you can break that pattern is to change your mental FOCUS, or thought process. It doesn't happen magically and you need to deprogram your mind. Most importantly be patient with yourself, don't expect to be anywhere you are not, and have expectations that are within reason. Wanting to reach out in a moment of weaknes is NOT weak, reaching out and breaking the silence IS. And even if you do follow through with a weakness don't beat yourself up for it, don't dwell because the more you dwell your mishaps the more FOCUS you lose. It is ALL a process SnowWhite and it will take hard work but it does get easier and DO acknowledge every small achievement you accomplish to stay on track. While you praise yourself for having strong conviction, you can use your bad energy to focus on him. This balance will see you through the roughest of days and eventually you won't have to think to act you will just act. bang goal, this is the second "Guide to the long walk" So beautifully written from your heart TC, I love this !!
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Snow, you should go over to the thread "Over one year later and..." and talk with its poster. She may have a lot of good insight and wisdom for you. She is a recovering other woman with a story to tell and great advice to give. DNR
twice_shy Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 How do you break the addiction of the affair when it's all you've concentrated on for a long time? I've been with OM for 11 months and even though I'm not in love with him and wouldn't want him as my H, I find it hard to let go. Recently, I've made progress when I told MM my plans changed and I could not see him. I know a month ago, I would've jumped at the chance to spend time with him. A wise LS member said I was addicted to the momentum of the A and it was familiar place to me. How do I break this addiction? I notice you don't give your husband one iota of consideration or a reason to want to break off the A. he is obviously not worthy of mention for whatever reason. Maybe you need to get a divorce?
Author SnowWhite924 Posted July 30, 2008 Author Posted July 30, 2008 What you are all saying is true and I deeply appreciate your words of wisdom. I've gotten so much relief out of this site. It's definately going to take time. Even though, I'm not 'in love' with him, I do care about him and it's not going to be easy. I've realized that falling in love with him was just an illusion of something I wanted in order to fill a void. It was all good until I woke up! Now it's time to move forward. August 29th will be our 1 year anniversary and I am determined not to make it that far! It has to end now. TomCat, you've said a lot for me to think about. Conviction is the key. I will read and reread your post until it sticks in my brain. I'm also going to check out the other thread recommended by Dark & Romantic. I'm feeling stronger. I know I can do this. I have to do it for my own sanity. I know what I want for myself and I will focus on that. Thank you all so much. I appreciate every single post in response to my problem. Thank goodness for people like you!
Tomcat33 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Thanks everyone for your kind words. I read a post like this and I live it all over again, and this is wher I KNOW I can make difference. I DO speak from the heart! Snowhite to quote Rob Sneider in Waterboy: "You can do eeeeet!" Conviction is your best friend without it it's hard to stick to a plan. I see people who are on the fence sometimes and I am a fan of not pushing they need more time? Take more time. I feel a person really has to want something in order to succeed. Conviction = yearning
whichwayisup Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 You also might want to take a look at no foolin' NC thread in the coping section. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/
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