practical tips for the loveless marriage

[Sasperilla]

This is kind of long...but I need some practical advice and tips.

 

My situation: I am in a loveless non-physical marriage after finding out about my husband's long-term affair. He quit it, but to cut a long story short there is too much water under the bridge both in terms of what he did during the affair and his pathetic, non-attempts to repair the damage.

 

Here's the rub: he's a very good Dad. I have no intention of letting my kids suffer and we get along pretty well, as room mates and co-parents. We rarely argue. I don't love him and we haven't had any sexual relationship for over 2 years. I have no intention of staying with him once the kids have gone.

 

My questions are to anyone in a similar position.

 

1) What do you do about the lack of sex?

2) I want my kids to have the maximum benefit of being in a 2-parent family. Would the best thing be to plan for leaving the marriage when they have left home? Or should I just plan for, say 5 years, then see how it goes?

3) What sort of things should I be thinking about when the kids have left? Did you make any financial provisions?

 

Any tips would be appreciated. Please don't reply telling me to get out because I've made the decision that staying together is better for my kids.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Your only hurting yourself and him after his affair. I understand that you probably dont love him, you resent him, and you feel taken for granted.

 

Your doing him a disservice, the kids a diservice.

 

Why dont you tell him how you truly feel. give him a say in the matter. because you dont want to be the bad guy blindsiding him with your leaving.

 

Why cant you just say: listen the real reason we havent been shagging and whatnot is because im still heartbroken over your long term affair. I find it difficult to remain married to a man who could hurt me so bad.

 

I wish to leave.

 

It'll suck but in the end, at least it's the truth, why prolong the pain on both sides. Your husband could think you've recovered, which you clearly havent.

[Sasperilla]

He has had a say in the matter. I have already told him how much he's hurt me etc etc and we came to the decision that it is still better for the kids to have 2 parents. If I didn't have kids, sure I would leave. I would have left years ago. He knows exactly what the score is.

 

What I need is just practical advice from people in the same situation

[Chrome Barracuda]

Well good luck because staying in a loveless marriage isnt helping anyone. Even if you agree to it for the sake of the kids. It wont sit well with anyone.

 

Besides your only gonna make things worse. It's like being in love with a ghost. to both of you, being with the specter of a broken marriage.

 

You shouldnt do it. and he should not do it. If that's the case why dont you guys just seperate. Why remain in a house with a man you dont love and he doesnt love you?

[Sasperilla]

You shouldnt do it. and he should not do it. If that's the case why dont you guys just seperate. Why remain in a house with a man you dont love and he doesnt love you?

 

I didn't really want to get into this, but lots of reasons:

 

1) So the kids can see both of their parents whenever they want

2) So they don't have to move house

3) So they don't have to be poor

 

I could go on. It's easy to say 'just leave'. The reality is very different.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You shouldnt do it. and he should not do it. If that's the case why dont you guys just seperate. Why remain in a house with a man you dont love and he doesnt love you?

 

I didn't really want to get into this, but lots of reasons:

 

1) So the kids can see both of their parents whenever they want

2) So they don't have to move house

3) So they don't have to be poor

 

I could go on. It's easy to say 'just leave'. The reality is very different.

 

I know the reality is different but are you gonna suffer through a loveless marriage where there's no sex for a long time. no intimacy for the sake of the kids. I understand you dont want to break the household because you want the family intact. but that doesnt mean it wont happen.

 

What if your husband found a woman that he wanted to be with, would it be okay for him to date her? I mean do you expect him to stay celibate for the appearance of being faithful. and Vice versa. I mean how would it work?

 

There's so many variables and permutations.

[quankanne]

we came to the decision that it is still better for the kids to have 2 parents.

 

fact: whether you're divorced or married, your children will always have two parents. Even if one of you is dead, there is still a mom and a dad in this equation.

 

I think the couples who stay for the "sake" of the children really do so because they feel they're doing the right thing. But if you're modeling an unhappy marriage, how is that going to benefit your child? If you're in an abusive relationship, won't that behavior be the "norm" for your kids, who have no idea what a health relationship looks like because Mom & Dad aren't modeling it? All he or she is going to see is the resentment between his/her parents, and believe me, it'll be a soul-killing day when your kid realizes the only reason you and Daddy stuck together was because of him ... if your marriage is that dysfunctional and without any positive feelings for each other, you're warping that little mind.

 

that's not to say it won't be hard as a single parent, or that your kids won't hope that you reconcile, but it seems to me that they would benefit greatly when they see you happy, and in a healthy relationship ...

[Angel1111]

I'm always one to say that if two people are in this kind of situation that they should get out. But, if the two of you feel that staying together is the best thing for your kids, then that's what you should do. If you you go against your principles, then you're going to end up with a lot of regrets.

 

I would've said that no matter how much you plan to stay, you cannot control what your husband does. But it sounds like he's agreeable to this situation, also. Personally, I could not do this but if you feel that strongly about it, you should stay in your marriage.

[stoopid_guy]

Considered an "open marriage?" You can both (descreetly) date? Other than that, for sex your only choices are masturbation and/or affairs.

 

On the finances, work out some agreement with your husband as to how to divide the assets now.

 

As far as when you leave, you'll have to play that one by ear. How long can you put up with things? It may not seem possible to you now, but you and your husband may actually grow to love each other over time.

 

I understand what you're going through, the decisions you've made, and hope it works out for you.

[twice_shy]

I could go on. It's easy to say 'just leave'. The reality is very different.

 

Its real easy for me to say "just leave" because I left, therefore I will advice others to do the same. I don't suggest anyone do what I wouldn't do myself.

[Sasperilla]

barracuda,

 

I know that it might yet happen that it all breaks apart. But all of us are in that situation. It might happen next week, in five years whatever. you can say that about any relationship.

 

To be honest, if my husband found another woman then I'm not sure. I guess if we decided to go down that route then it would be ok. On the other hand, if he gets 'caught' again then I would have to walk. There's only so much you can take. So to answer your question, I don't know. I haven't thought it all through.

[Sasperilla]

Thanks stoopid guy.

 

Masturbation only goes so far if you know what I mean. So I guess considering an open marriage would be an option. Strangely I'm sure my husband would not agree to that. An affair is something else I've considered but frankly my life is complicated enough at the moment. I don't think I would have the energy right now.

 

Do you really think it's worth dividing assets now? How is it possible to do that?

 

I do love my husband in the way that you would love a brother or a friend or something. I'll never want to be in a relationship with him though.I don't find him physically attractive at all.

[Sasperilla]

Of course there is still a mom and dad 'in the equation' but having a dad who you see at weekends is not the same as having a dad who you can see every day.

 

And just to clarify there is no abuse in this relationship. We don't argue, bicker or fight. So how does that set a bad example. Is being a single mom setting a better example of how a relationship works? As for warping their minds....? I am really shocked that you said that.

 

Of course you are right - the best scenario is for two unhappy people to part, all remain friends and for the two of them to go on to be happy and have new partners who welcome in the children etc etc. If I thought that was the likely outcome then it would be a no-brainer.

 

The reality is that is very difficult for kids to cope with a divorce. I would rather they were peeved later on when they realise that, hey they're parents don't love each other in that super duper amazing way that all other married couples do, than have their whole worlds turned upside down now when they are young.

 

Anyway, I didn't come here to repeatedly justify a choice which is obviously 'wrong', I came here to ask for advice.

 

 

we came to the decision that it is still better for the kids to have 2 parents.

 

fact: whether you're divorced or married, your children will always have two parents. Even if one of you is dead, there is still a mom and a dad in this equation.

 

 

I think the couples who stay for the "sake" of the children really do so because they feel they're doing the right thing. But if you're modeling an unhappy marriage, how is that going to benefit your child? If you're in an abusive relationship, won't that behavior be the "norm" for your kids, who have no idea what a health relationship looks like because Mom & Dad aren't modeling it? All he or she is going to see is the resentment between his/her parents, and believe me, it'll be a soul-killing day when your kid realizes the only reason you and Daddy stuck together was because of him ... if your marriage is that dysfunctional and without any positive feelings for each other, you're warping that little mind.

 

that's not to say it won't be hard as a single parent, or that your kids won't hope that you reconcile, but it seems to me that they would benefit greatly when they see you happy, and in a healthy relationship ...

[Kasan]

Are you sure that you really want to do this OP? It sounds like the trust is seriously broken and you don't love your husband, other than as a friend.

 

I just see the years ticking along, both of you enduring a marriage for the sake of the kids. As quank so eloquently put it, the kids will have a mom and dad no matter where you both live. He will be a great dad no matter where he is, as you will be a great mom.

 

You could be a great example to the kids on how to resolve conflicts, how to be happy, and how to co-parent.

 

What you are proposing to do seems to me dishonest, and such a waste of time, when the both of you could move on and find some happiness.

 

I wonder about you saying "if your husband was caught again you would walk"--are you punishing him in some way? Again, you say you love him like a brother...........

 

Good luck!

[Sasperilla]

i give up for the day!

 

Yes, I seriously want to do this. I have already been doing it for two years. I didn't post because I have a dilemma about whether I feel I have done the right thing. I just wanted advice from people in this situation.

 

You are right I don't love him and yes the trust is seriously broken. Which is why I could no longer consider a relationship with him. I am a bit perplexed at why I am getting so much negative feedback when people stay in relationships for lots of reasons other than love and I am trying to do something that I think will be good for my children.

[Angel1111]

i give up for the day!

 

Yes, I seriously want to do this. I have already been doing it for two years. I didn't post because I have a dilemma about whether I feel I have done the right thing. I just wanted advice from people in this situation.

 

You are right I don't love him and yes the trust is seriously broken. Which is why I could no longer consider a relationship with him. I am a bit perplexed at why I am getting so much negative feedback when people stay in relationships for lots of reasons other than love and I am trying to do something that I think will be good for my children.

 

As I said, I think you need to stay because that's what you think is best. As far as advice, I really think the two of you should talk about this honestly - about your expectations of one another and what you can and cannot handle. That would resolve any lingering questions each of you will have about this and you'll both know where you stand.

[Kasan]

i give up for the day!

 

Yes, I seriously want to do this. I have already been doing it for two years. I didn't post because I have a dilemma about whether I feel I have done the right thing. I just wanted advice from people in this situation.

 

You are right I don't love him and yes the trust is seriously broken. Which is why I could no longer consider a relationship with him. I am a bit perplexed at why I am getting so much negative feedback when people stay in relationships for lots of reasons other than love and I am trying to do something that I think will be good for my children.

 

I guess that I am surprised that you would consider staying. I am probably a bit older than you and have had some very dear people pass away. Of course the usual examination of your life takes place and you realize that you don't have infinite days left on this earth.

 

I ran into an old friend over the past weekend and she told me that she had separated from her husband of 29 years. She like you stayed for the sake of her kids--she left when her youngest started college. She is very happy now, but I wonder about the years that she will never get back and....... she is starting her life over at the age of 57.

 

What you are doing is not something that I could do, but it's your life and I wish you well.

[angryyoungman70]

i give up for the day!

 

Yes, I seriously want to do this. I have already been doing it for two years. I didn't post because I have a dilemma about whether I feel I have done the right thing. I just wanted advice from people in this situation.

 

You are right I don't love him and yes the trust is seriously broken. Which is why I could no longer consider a relationship with him. I am a bit perplexed at why I am getting so much negative feedback when people stay in relationships for lots of reasons other than love and I am trying to do something that I think will be good for my children.

 

You won't get any grief from me. I'm in the same spot as you, and have been for much longer than 2 years...more like 12. My kids are the world to me and I couldn't bear the thought of not being with them every day. How do I cope? Well, I feign happiness to my W, and am grateful that I don't see her too often (she works evenings, and I hang with my kids). I also look forward to the "Day of Freedom" that will eventually come once my kids have reached the age where they can be independant. I have about another 8 years to go. It leaves me plenty of time to plan for my departure and put things in place so that once the split happens, I won't be broke. I've been sacrificing a number of things that I like to do in order to save for this eventuality. In the end, it will be worth it.

 

My advice to you is, try to find as much joy in your relationship with your kids as you can.

 

Good luck.

[Angel1111]

I guess that I am surprised that you would consider staying. I am probably a bit older than you and have had some very dear people pass away. Of course the usual examination of your life takes place and you realize that you don't have infinite days left on this earth.

 

I ran into an old friend over the past weekend and she told me that she had separated from her husband of 29 years. She like you stayed for the sake of her kids--she left when her youngest started college. She is very happy now, but I wonder about the years that she will never get back and....... she is starting her life over at the age of 57.

 

What you are doing is not something that I could do, but it's your life and I wish you well.

 

But if your friend had a lot of guilt about putting her kids through divorce, then she probably feels good about what she did and didn't think she wasted those years.

 

The lady posting here is looking for advice on how to handle this situation, not whether she should do it or not.

[Kasan]

But if your friend had a lot of guilt about putting her kids through divorce, then she probably feels good about what she did and didn't think she wasted those years.

 

The lady posting here is looking for advice on how to handle this situation, not whether she should do it or not.

 

My friend thought she was doing the right thing at the time, but regrets her decision now as she also realizes that she will never get those years back.

 

I hope the OP gets lots of advice on how to handle her situation as I think what she is proposing to do is extremely hard and not many people have the desire to stay in a loveless marriage.

 

I find it ironic that the OP is willing to continue in this marriage but would leave if her husband was unfaithful again. Really, what difference would it make?

 

But, I don't have any good advice to give the OP so I will happily bow out of this thread. My apologies to the OP.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm not an expert, but I took a child psychology class from a well-respected child psychologist who said that study after study confirm children are happier with divorced parents who have active, happy lives than with unhappy parents living together for the children's sake. Kids are perceptive, and they pick up on the lack of intimacy and closeness, the pink elephant in the room, as it were. Children whose parents have healthy affection and intimacy usually model those patterns in their own adult relationships, and vice versa.

[Chinook]

Of course there is still a mom and dad 'in the equation' but having a dad who you see at weekends is not the same as having a dad who you can see every day.

Why can't they see him every day if they need to..? Lots of people make joint custody work.

 

And just to clarify there is no abuse in this relationship. We don't argue, bicker or fight. So how does that set a bad example. Is being a single mom setting a better example of how a relationship works? As for warping their minds....? I am really shocked that you said that.

I think what Q is getting at, is that in your scenario, you're actually teaching your kids that it's okay to fake it in life. You're also depriving them of seeing first hand what a stable loving relationship looks like.

 

Of course you are right - the best scenario is for two unhappy people to part, all remain friends and for the two of them to go on to be happy and have new partners who welcome in the children etc etc. If I thought that was the likely outcome then it would be a no-brainer.

One thing you need to bear in mind, if you guys are living as husband and wife, what you're asking prospective partners to accept is an affair scenario. I'm single. If any guy approached me with this scenario, I'd be off and running as fast as I could... no looking back, no matter how nice a guy he is. Same could probably be said of a lot of guys in my shoes. So both you and your husband are looking at a very deprived future. In that scenario, I would advise you go back to the drawing board and try to rebuild your marriage - I know you have said you can't and you don't find him attractive physically due to the history, but you need to address this issue, not just for the kids... otherwise before you know it, 10 years have passed, kids have gone and you're both still unhappy. I have friends in this situ now and they're now staying together because neither of them want to face a single future alone. It sucks royally.

 

The reality is that is very difficult for kids to cope with a divorce. I would rather they were peeved later on when they realise that, hey they're parents don't love each other in that super duper amazing way that all other married couples do, than have their whole worlds turned upside down now when they are young.

I think you would be surprised how resilient children are. There are alot of well adjusted children whose parents divorce. Also I think you're down playing the idea that a child can cope years later with having the knowledge that not one, but both parents consistently lied to them over years. That's a huge trust issue and one I have currently with my own Mother and it's not as easy as you think to simply just be 'pissed' about it. A child views their parents as their best role model - when that is torn away from them, as it will be at some point, it's very very painful.

 

Anyway, I didn't come here to repeatedly justify a choice which is obviously 'wrong', I came here to ask for advice.

I can appreciate your standpoint and I really wish you well. But I think the other (and my) posters were actually just asking you to think about things. I can't see how you can improve the physical side of things without one or either of you venturing into affair territory and I doubt that's what either of you want. I really hope you can work out some way to get there - preferably it would be that you guys find each other again, but you seem like that's not possible.

[michelangelo]

If you can make it work, I don't see the problem with staying together.

 

The economics of divorce really impact a family. yes, expressions of love and affection can continue, but how about that college fund? Or even a nice neighborhood to live in?

[Horse]

I've never cheated or been cheated on, but I'm in a marriage that has little intimacy and less and less as time goes on, so I often ask myself if I would stay when less and less turns to zero.

 

I would... but it would be for myself as much as for my son. I love him, want to be around him every day. Watching and helping him grow makes me happy. I wouldn't want to take that away from my wife either.

 

I know some people make joint custody work, but most cases that I have seen don't. One parent moves away and one is only able to see their children a few times a year.

 

... but to cut a long story short there is too much water under the bridge both in terms of what he did during the affair and his pathetic, non-attempts to repair the damage.

I know it seems hopeless, but if you are committed to stay for at least another 5 years, why not try counseling or anything else that might help you two love each other again. It may not work, but if you do eventually feel that you have to leave, you will at least know that you did everything in your power to make it work.

 

1) What do you do about the lack of sex?

I wish I had an easy answer for that.

I think I would have a hard time not cheating, especially since there is already no trust.

 

2) I want my kids to have the maximum benefit of being in a 2-parent family. Would the best thing be to plan for leaving the marriage when they have left home? Or should I just plan for, say 5 years, then see how it goes?

Probably... try to stay until they are mature enough to really understand what is going on, or until you can't take it anymore or fall for someone else.

 

3) What sort of things should I be thinking about when the kids have left? Did you make any financial provisions?

I would talk to a divorce lawyer. They should be able to help you plan for all of the legal/financial stuff.

 

Any tips would be appreciated. Please don't reply telling me to get out because I've made the decision that staying together is better for my kids.

 

If you aren't having sex with your husband and he knows there is no chance for reconciliation, then there is about a 100% chance that he will cheat again.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am a bit perplexed at why I am getting so much negative feedback when people stay in relationships for lots of reasons other than love and I am trying to do something that I think will be good for my children.

I think the negative feedback you're getting is based on the fact that some of us think that your "sticking it out" has an opposite effect that what you intend - it isn't the best thing for your kids. You and your H could be Academy Award winning actors and still not be able to fake the emotional connection that will shape your kid's relationships and marriages as they grow up. They need to see you be healthy and happy so they can understand how to get there themselves.

 

I'll bet if you could fast forward the clock 20 years and ask them as adults, they'd say "Mom, don't do it"...

 

Mr. Lucky