carhill Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 FWIW, this isn't personal, it's what our psychologist does to me every week in MC It's called challenging a perspective... I still want to know exactly what "not looking for anything serious" means. Let's say for the sake of argument you had "felt something more than friendship" for him. Couch that feeling within the context of this statement. I think this is what Tanbark is getting at and what I'm in therapy for. Clarifying and communicating feelings and perspectives in a language that the other party (in my case, my wife) can understand and process. I'll take from another poster's comment that you may be universally attractive. If so, good on ya. Lots of opportunities. Perhaps this one experience may have helped you, both in understanding your perspective better as well as to how to more effectively set a boundary. Cool...
Phateless Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 Thank you. My last boyfriend actually kissed me on the first date. At first I was startled, but that quickly went away and I found myself kissing him back. In that instance, the chemistry was much more immediate and I was evidently ready for it. There you go. It just depends on the two people and the situation. Carhill - I understand your feelings, because I used to be you. You have to understand that you put yourself through this by your own thoughts, by the things you tell yourself about yourself. If you can reframe your own thoughts, things will get better, I promise.
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted July 29, 2008 Author Posted July 29, 2008 No sweat, carhill. I know it's not personal and I respect your advice immensely and am happy you've chimed in here. Well, my intent when I posted my online profile was to "date" and that's what I put. What did I mean by that? Good question - probably something I can't get. Ideally, I'd like to meet different guys, date more than one at a time, and then determine which one I'd like to have a relationship with and THEN I would welcome affection. Maybe it's naive of me to assume I can do that or that a guy would wait several dates before making a move. I guess I've been wearing the "I don't want anything serious" armor because I'm only 8 months out of a divorce where my ex-husband left me for a married woman. I guess I'm naively trying to maintain some control and avoid getting hurt again and I figure if I tell him "Oh, but I don't want anything serious!" then it's his own darn fault if he develops feelings. That's actually what happened in my last relationship and it's caused pain to both of us. Despite the fact that I was always upfront about my feelings, I still hurt him so that armor and justification are basically useless anyway. FWIW, I took my online profile down a couple of days ago. I'm probably, honestly not ready to date yet and even though there are guys out there who say they just want an activity partner, friend, to "hang out," etc. I guess I have to ignore that and assume anyone who is on a dating site wants the possibility of a relationship. I honestly just want something casual (and no, not FWB) but it appears it's a waste of time or maybe even downright selfish to want that from a guy.
carhill Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 OK, I'm going to have to read your backstory. When I see "last boyfriend" and "8 months out of a divorce", I get confused Wanting to date casually without physical affection early-on (if I'm reading correctly) is valid and was something I practiced for many years. The overwhelming majority of women I dated found it to be a turn-off. The interpreted it as lack of interest (the few who explained it to me said that before exiting) and, for them, the man needed to be the aggressor and they the controller of his aggression (in the sexual sense). This is classic. Perhaps your way is just as confusing to (some) men as my way was to (some) women. There are exceptions (some), and, for me, at the point I met my wife, I had become increasingly sexually aggressive (by my standards, anyway ) and my wife evidently read the language favorably. After 10 years, she still says I don't make any sense, so, if you find my posts confusing, no worries. Just imaging living with me every day My best advice is to be clear with yourself first. What do you want from time spent with a man? Think about that. Be honest about it. Examine your feelings about it. To me, this is the essence of what I call "alone time", time without emotional distraction from romantic/sexual sources. Do this without any active behaviors to bring/attract/desire a man into your life. No flirting, no dating profiles, no pining away for an old flame. Just work on you. I think you made a profound statement when you stated "I'm probably, honestly not ready to date yet". To me, accepting that reality means that you'll be ready to date sooner than you think
Phateless Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 KH - just tell the guys up front that you're in a "friends first" kind of mode lately, and that you want to take it slow-ish. Also clarify that you are NOT necessarily holding out for something serious.
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted July 29, 2008 Author Posted July 29, 2008 Ugh, well, it's likely the details in my backstory will only assure you that I shouldn't be dating right now. Phateless ~ I'll try that, but right now I don't even want to meet a new friend. It always seems to get too complicated, as it has this time around (and the time before).
Phateless Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 Try swing and salsa dancing. Lots of fun, great way to meet people and get your sexual energy out, but you walk away at the end of the night with no issues.
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