ximperativx Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 Long-ish story (because I have difficulty summarizing things), but here goes: A couple nights ago, this guy added me on MySpace. It was about 3:00 AM, I was bored and a little bit in an altered state of mind, so we started talking on AIM. We hit it off, and our conversation lasted about three or four hours. He seemed to be indicating a little bit of interest in me by saying I was pretty and asking about past relationship experience (to sum it up, I've never been kissed), but the bulk of our conversation didn't focus on that. We exchanged phone numbers and decided to try to hang out in a public place sometime this week, since we live around the same area. I'm 18, he'll be 21 in November. We both live with our parents. I woke up the next morning (this was yesterday) realizing I wouldn't mind hanging out with him that day. I got online later in the afternoon, and he IMed me. We talked for a bit, and he suggested that maybe we could do something later in the day. I told him I had been thinking the same, and we agreed to meet at Dairy Queen at 6:00. We met up, walked around a bit, and then decided to drive around a bit to find something to eat. We joked around a bit about him kidnapping me, which was okay, although I started to become a bit unsettled by the fact that he was driving and we were in an area (the next county over) that I wasn't familiar with. Once we got where we were going, though, I felt a little safer. We had dinner at a restaurant, he paid, and he drove us back to where I had left my car. I left feeling pretty good about it; he had been cute and was pretty funny. We'd both had fun, and agreed that we should hang out again. As he'd paid for dinner and said I was pretty several times (a few of them jokingly, pretending he was a creep; one of them seriously), I assumed he had at least some interest in me. Later that night, we started talking again on AIM. He told me that he'd enjoyed hanging out with me, and that he'd wanted to say a few things but had felt like they might be awkward. He said that he'd really enjoyed being around me and felt like he wanted to be close to me, but didn't know if I felt the same way. I told him that I had felt the same. He said he'd been kind of nervous, and apologized for not looking at me when he had been talking to me, owing it to the fact that I was "gorgeous and it was kind of intimidating." He followed that with a "you're extremely attractive, and not in a slutty way... I hate whores." He asked if he could call me. I was a bit reluctant (as I didn't really want to talk on the phone at the moment), but said it was fine. We talked for two or three hours, mostly just about random things; although at one point he asked what I'd do if he kissed me. I told him I'd be okay with it. He also invited me over to his house tomorrow to watch a movie. I indicated a general sort of "yes" response, but here's where it gets a bit tricky (and I've talked about this with him, so he knows everything in the following paragraph): I was raised Muslim, which, in short, means no dating, no hanging out with boys unless it's for something school/work related. I haven't been religious for a while, although I used to be. My parents are unaware of the extent of this non-religiousness (for lack of a better word). They aren't tyrannical or anything, but I know there is absolutely no way they would allow me to see him. This means that when I went to meet him the first time, I told my mother that I was going to the library to work on something for school. (This is also irrelevant, but I'm graduating college this May -- I skipped third grade, my high school didn't have 12th grade, and I've been taking summer semester classes since I began college, so I'm a little bit ahead.) Going to see him again Tuesday would entail lying again, which I really do not like doing at all, and am uncomfortable with, but it's pretty much the only way that I can get out of the house if I want to see him. He offered to talk to them and meet them, but that wouldn't make any difference, and would likely just get me into trouble. On top of that (and I haven't discussed this with him), I am a little bit wary about going to his house, when I only met him two days ago. He seems like a pretty decent guy, but there is that part of me that's telling me I shouldn't be so quick to agree to it. There's no way I'd do anything more than kiss him if I did go, and I'm fairly certain he doesn't expect anything more. I have him added on Facebook and MySpace, but he doesn't have much in the way of wall posts/comments from other friends. This, combined with the fact that I'd be lying to my parents again, makes me question the idea of going to his house. I'd like to see him again, and don't have that big of an issue with going to his house, but yeah... does anyone have any insight?
LoveLace Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I'm curious, if your parents found out you were socializing with a boy, would they just be really angry, or would there some kind of punishment or consequences? Before going any further, this is the issue you should think about, because you don't want to get too attached, only to then be forced to dump him because of your parents. I find it pretty unrealistic to restrict you from dating, but I understand if it's what the religion follows. I just think you should consider long-term outcomes before doing anything else. It doesn't sound like going to his house would be unsafe, but don't do anything you are not comfortable doing and just be honest with him about it.
TheSilentType Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I would hold off on going to his for now. Especially if it will be you two alone. Just slow down.
xpaperxcutx Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 You're not making it any safer for yourself. I wouldn't go to his house after knowing him for only two days. That's how people get raped. Seriously I'm not your mom, but I'm starting to get a little scared for you. Even if you don't tell your parents I advise you to tell a friend who you're hanging out with. If you like the guy i don't see why you can't casually date in public where there's lots of people. Just don't go to his house or get into his car until you know more about him.
tm83 Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 slow down a bit and meet somewhere public again. you have only talked to this guy for two days AND you met on the net....take some time to get to know him before you are alone together. he may be perfectly harmless...but make sure. give it some time.
whichwayisup Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 Should I go to his house? (Met online two days ago) No. You don't know this guy AT ALL. Continue to date him, but in public places. Do not go to his house..That's putting yourself in a situation that could turn out to be dangerous or at best, uncomfortable for you.
Author ximperativx Posted July 29, 2008 Author Posted July 29, 2008 I'm curious, if your parents found out you were socializing with a boy, would they just be really angry, or would there some kind of punishment or consequences? Before going any further, this is the issue you should think about, because you don't want to get too attached, only to then be forced to dump him because of your parents. I find it pretty unrealistic to restrict you from dating, but I understand if it's what the religion follows. I just think you should consider long-term outcomes before doing anything else. It doesn't sound like going to his house would be unsafe, but don't do anything you are not comfortable doing and just be honest with him about it. Just socializing would probably be discouraged by my parents, but wouldn't necessarily yield any worse consequence than them forbidding me from doing it; but dating (as well as the lying involved so far) would result in my total loss of their trust (which would end in probable house arrest for me). Earlier this year, I had finally convinced them to let me move out, and we actually went and looked at a few apartments, but then I got into a fight with them over something or another, and that was the end of any ideas I might have had of moving out, so I hate to think of what this would end in. I guess another part of this whole thing is more that I just want human contact, and not to be sitting in my room alone all day. Since I don't live on campus, it's harder for me to make friends (and on top of that, it's summer right now, so the few friends that I did have are all out of state at the moment). Most of my childhood/high school friends are not very close with me anymore, and I get sort of stigmatized by them because I'm no longer religious. They've said a lot of hurtful things about me behind my back, and I don't really consider them friends anymore. I'm not trying to rush things with this guy, but it just feels so good to have someone to be with.
jadedone Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 You are 18. Move out and live your life how you want to live it.
JustinWolf Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 Don't go to his house, let your friends know about whats happening. As a muslim, I know how things can get out there. Just try to date him but stay in public places where your cousins, aunts and uncles and family don't go often (You know what I'm talking about, lol). Seriously though, stay away from his house unless you are going to be more people like a friend of yours, for example and a friend of his and thats until you really get to know him well. If you need any informations feel free to PM me, when you can.
Touche Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 My radar is going off for some reason. Don't go. It's too soon and I think he wants and expects more than just a kiss.
Citizen Erased Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 Long-ish story (because I have difficulty summarizing things), but here goes: A couple nights ago, this guy added me on MySpace. It was about 3:00 AM, I was bored and a little bit in an altered state of mind, so we started talking on AIM. We hit it off, and our conversation lasted about three or four hours. He seemed to be indicating a little bit of interest in me by saying I was pretty and asking about past relationship experience (to sum it up, I've never been kissed), but the bulk of our conversation didn't focus on that. We exchanged phone numbers and decided to try to hang out in a public place sometime this week, since we live around the same area. I'm 18, he'll be 21 in November. We both live with our parents. I woke up the next morning (this was yesterday) realizing I wouldn't mind hanging out with him that day. I got online later in the afternoon, and he IMed me. We talked for a bit, and he suggested that maybe we could do something later in the day. I told him I had been thinking the same, and we agreed to meet at Dairy Queen at 6:00. We met up, walked around a bit, and then decided to drive around a bit to find something to eat. We joked around a bit about him kidnapping me, which was okay, although I started to become a bit unsettled by the fact that he was driving and we were in an area (the next county over) that I wasn't familiar with. Once we got where we were going, though, I felt a little safer. We had dinner at a restaurant, he paid, and he drove us back to where I had left my car. I left feeling pretty good about it; he had been cute and was pretty funny. We'd both had fun, and agreed that we should hang out again. As he'd paid for dinner and said I was pretty several times (a few of them jokingly, pretending he was a creep; one of them seriously), I assumed he had at least some interest in me. Later that night, we started talking again on AIM. He told me that he'd enjoyed hanging out with me, and that he'd wanted to say a few things but had felt like they might be awkward. He said that he'd really enjoyed being around me and felt like he wanted to be close to me, but didn't know if I felt the same way. I told him that I had felt the same. He said he'd been kind of nervous, and apologized for not looking at me when he had been talking to me, owing it to the fact that I was "gorgeous and it was kind of intimidating." He followed that with a "you're extremely attractive, and not in a slutty way... I hate whores." He asked if he could call me. I was a bit reluctant (as I didn't really want to talk on the phone at the moment), but said it was fine. We talked for two or three hours, mostly just about random things; although at one point he asked what I'd do if he kissed me. I told him I'd be okay with it. He also invited me over to his house tomorrow to watch a movie. I indicated a general sort of "yes" response, but here's where it gets a bit tricky (and I've talked about this with him, so he knows everything in the following paragraph): I was raised Muslim, which, in short, means no dating, no hanging out with boys unless it's for something school/work related. I haven't been religious for a while, although I used to be. My parents are unaware of the extent of this non-religiousness (for lack of a better word). They aren't tyrannical or anything, but I know there is absolutely no way they would allow me to see him. This means that when I went to meet him the first time, I told my mother that I was going to the library to work on something for school. (This is also irrelevant, but I'm graduating college this May -- I skipped third grade, my high school didn't have 12th grade, and I've been taking summer semester classes since I began college, so I'm a little bit ahead.) Going to see him again Tuesday would entail lying again, which I really do not like doing at all, and am uncomfortable with, but it's pretty much the only way that I can get out of the house if I want to see him. He offered to talk to them and meet them, but that wouldn't make any difference, and would likely just get me into trouble. On top of that (and I haven't discussed this with him), I am a little bit wary about going to his house, when I only met him two days ago. He seems like a pretty decent guy, but there is that part of me that's telling me I shouldn't be so quick to agree to it. There's no way I'd do anything more than kiss him if I did go, and I'm fairly certain he doesn't expect anything more. I have him added on Facebook and MySpace, but he doesn't have much in the way of wall posts/comments from other friends. This, combined with the fact that I'd be lying to my parents again, makes me question the idea of going to his house. I'd like to see him again, and don't have that big of an issue with going to his house, but yeah... does anyone have any insight? Just no. Stay far, far away. I'm only about 3 years older than you but I think I can safely say you are far too young for this. Even if you were older it is a stupid thing to go over to some guys house when you met him online a few days ago. Myspace, Dairy Queen. What next? A Wiggles concert? You have known him for only a couple of days. You are young, there are some inevitable issues with your parents in regards to the religion thing. Oh and did I mention you have known him for only a couple of days. The slutty and whore thing just put me off I guess. Not quite sure why.
JustinWolf Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 Just no. Stay far, far away. I'm only about 3 years older than you but I think I can safely say you are far too young for this. Even if you were older it is a stupid thing to go over to some guys house when you met him online a few days ago. Myspace, Dairy Queen. What next? A Wiggles concert? You have known him for only a couple of days. You are young, there are some inevitable issues with your parents in regards to the religion thing. Oh and did I mention you have known him for only a couple of days. The slutty and whore thing just put me off I guess. Not quite sure why. yea, the fact he said that, made me unconfortable. plus, someone said he's expecting a lot more than a kiss is a true statement. I'm pretty sure he wants a WHOLE LOT more and trust me you aren't ready for this. Maybe your emotions will tell you that you oughtta go but TRUST US, don't. We are saying this only for your protection.
torranceshipman Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 Like other posters, alarm bells are really ringing for me here! Don't go to his house! Quite frankly that 'I hate whores' comment sounded really weird and freaked me out, just reading it! It just doesnt sound like a normal thing to say to a girl. It is also WAY too soon to go to his house as you don't even know him and have only just met. It sounds like he might want way more than just hanging out - I'm a bit worried for you if you go - you are very inexperienced so even your first kiss is going to be a big deal to you...and I think he is after way more than a kiss. You don't know anything about him yet...if you want to continue dating, meet in public places and really get to know him properly before you'd consider spending time alone.
Lizzie60 Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 Just trust your gut.. in general, most people ARE good people.. only a few are freaks.. If you are uncomfortable about going or if YOU think it's too soon.. then don't.. go in public places... Learn to trust your instinct (your little voice).. it's your best 'guide'...
Author ximperativx Posted July 29, 2008 Author Posted July 29, 2008 So I just wanted to say thank you for all the advice so far. I really don't like sneaking around, and am going to tell him to cool it today. I guess the idea of him is tempting, but at the same time, I am getting a little bit of that "don't do this" feeling, which I suppose I should listen to for once. If I haven't already made myself look like enough of a mess, I'll throw in another element -- Around December, I got into an online relationship of sorts with a 19-year-old guy who lives a good nine hours away. The whole online boyfriend/girlfriend thing only lasted until about May, at which point he decided that it was better we didn't establish ourselves as anything of the sort. We'd always been sort of on again off again anyway, so I just went along with it, taking what I could get, since I still liked him. (Yeah, I know, the whole falling for someone you haven't met in real life thing, but that's a bit of another issue entirely.) We kept talking as friends, although sometimes we'd turn into more (almost as we had been before), sometimes less (i.e., not talking at all). 19-year-old guy (who will henceforth be referred to as "A"), encourages me to find other guys. I'm not really all that interested in finding other guys; as it generally creates unnecessary hassle (see this entire thread). He talks to me about other girls he's talking to online, I'm fine with this. Last week, we go through another not-talking phase, until he comes back and apologizes for being a jerk (again). I'm glad we're not ignoring each other anymore (yes, we're mature, I'm aware), and accept his apology. A couple of days later, I meet MySpace Guy (described in previous posts), and tell A about this. At first he is just sort of teasing about it, making fun of me ("When's the second date?" "Am I invited to the wedding?" sort of thing). I am amused by it, but it feels like there's something a little bit either hurt or aggressive -- jealous, perhaps -- behind it, and he's acting weird. When he finds out I'm on the phone with MySpace Guy, he decides that he's just going to go to sleep and that we shouldn't talk anymore. Ever. I tell him he's being ridiculous, and that he has no good reason for not wanting to talk to me. It's obvious he's sulking over not having my full attention, but he won't admit it. He says he doesn't care, he just doesn't want to talk to me anymore, and that he's leaving. This goes on for about three hours, him telling me to say bye so he can leave. I tell him that if he wants to leave, he can; but he doesn't. The one time he does leave, he comes back about three minutes later, saying that he couldn't let "all you are is some text on a screen" be the last thing he said to me. He's still playing the "I don't care about you, but I wouldn't let that be the last thing I said to someone I just met" sort of card. Once I tell him I'm off the phone, he's a little less sulky, admits to being jealous, and we work things out. Last night, he seems in a good enough mood up until he asks me "how (my) new bf is." I tell him I'm a little bit creeped out, and summarize my previous posts. He's all, "give me his sn or phone number, I'll get rid of him for you." I tell him no thank you, and we're kind of jokey about it. We have a more or less normal conversation save for the occasional "what are you and your bf talking about" and "give me his sn" on A's part. He finally ends up using MySpace to find MySpace Guy's screenname, although he doesn't do anything with it. I've been expressing a bit of discomfort with MySpace Guy to A, but it's not until I mention that we're talking about views on marriage when A decides to take action, IMs MySpace Guy, and tells him he's creeping me out. In hindsight, I am relatively amused by how ridiculous this all is, but at the time, I told MySpace Guy to just not pay attention to A (because although he was in fact creeping me out a bit, I didn't feel that A's method was quite the best way to go about dissuading him), and gave a sentence-summary type overview of our relationship. A suddenly becomes very upset at me that I didn't back him up, and that I revealed we hadn't met, saying something to the extent of "Thanks for showing what I mean to you," and again refuses to talk to me, while at the same time refusing to leave. I call him, and he picks up the phone but doesn't say anything. I later find out that MySpace Guy had essentially told him, "Well, at least I've met her," which I attribute as another factor in why A is so upset. I manage to convince A that yes, he is wanted, and he perks up a bit, admits he still wants me, and we are okay again. I feel somewhat better about this situation, because even though A is prone to immature behavior (see above; and I suppose I am as well), I've talked to him nearly every day for over seven months, and I do consider him my friend; whereas with MySpace Guy (who I still need to get rid of somehow today), there were just too many alarms going off. I'm not quite sure what the point of this long, rambling thing was (aside from further proving that I have no life and probably act about half my age), but I suppose I'm left wondering why I get myself into such situations (although I suppose I know the answer to that -- because I want to escape and sort of be my own person, or rebel, or whatever, and this is my little lame way of going about that), as well as why A acted as he did (also sort of simple enough -- you don't want something until you realize someone else might take it from you). So yeah, if you've read this far, I thank you profusely and welcome your opinions/criticism/mockery of the above.
lexi29 Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I'm not going to call you immature or anything like that. You are only 18 and sound like you have lived a very sheltered life. I grew up the same way (not Muslim, but not allowed to date until I was 16.) My parents were VERY strict as I wasn't even allowed to be alone with a guy until I was 18. My mom would actually call the guy's parents to make sure they would be home if she knew I was going to his house. How embarassing! I was actually 16 and went to my boyfriend's house for new years (yes his parents were home) and my parents let me stay for an hour or so and then came and picked me up! So at 18 I was nearly where you are now (except I had kissed quite a few guys) and the online thing wasn't big back then (if at all, I had never heard of meeting someone online when I was 18) And I lied to my parents a lot back then too. Told them I was going out to apply for jobs and such when I actually had dates. It sounds like you have decided not to go to this guy's house and I'm thankful you made that decision. There just sounds like there is something off about this guy- like he wants to take advantage of your innocence. I really dont' like the "I don't like whores" comment either. Sounds like he has anger issues with women. He may be perfectly harmless but please don't see him alone- guys of this age want ONE thing and it isn't just to kiss you. As for your other online ex, it does sound as if he is very possessive of you and still likes you. It is very easy to develop feelings for someone you've never met just by talking to them over AIM and the phone. It happened to me a several years ago and though we never met, my guy was much like yours. He did NOT like me talking to other guys and threatened to not talk to me anymore but he always kept talking. I can see why you like the online-thing because as you said you crave human connection and it IS hard to make friends at college when you don't live on campus (been there too). At what age ARE you allowed to date? If possible when you finish your degree could you move out and get your own place (and live by your own rules)?
Els Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I feel for you, I really do. I have very religious, conservative parents too -- I'm 22, and they still hold firmly to the whole 'only group dates FIRST for a long long time' stuff... which is really only applicable to either people in the good ol' 60s or 13-year-olds. Because of that, like you, my first relationship was an online one. I really don't think the people online are the monsters they are made out to be... IMO, it is nearly as easy to be tricked by a person IRL as it is to be tricked online. There is nothing wrong with having an open mind towards starting a relationship with a guy you met online, but... yes, it's too soon to go to his house, far too soon. Glad you decided that on your own accord. I'm going to say something that may be rather controversial though. I'm going to encourage you to sneak around, with utmost caution. In my honest opinion, there sometimes really is no other choice. If sneaking is the only way you can actually live life and also maintain peace with your parents, then it is something you have to do. You are NOT a bad person for lying to your parents if they have created a situation where it is nearly impossible not to do so. Eventually, no matter how sheltered you were, you will have to be able go out and live in the real world... and it is YOU who are going to have to prepare for that, not them. It is you who will go through the pain and difficulties of learning to fend for yourself all of a sudden, and it is not an easy change to make unprepared. Otherwise you will end up like me. 22, still gradually breaking out of my introverted online shell, having my first real relationship, not knowing how to handle so many things that other 14-year-olds know by instinct. To be very honest, one of those things is not going to a guy's house before you know him very well. I'm not saying this cruelly.. it's not your fault that you're naive. It's your parents. However, it's you who will have to pay the consequences for that sheltered upbringing, and it is best to get out of that as soon as you can. By being financially independent as soon as you can, and, if necessary, by sneaking.
xpaperxcutx Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 We have a lot in common, let me tell you. I come from a very conservative family, and when I started rebelling I went over the top by getting piercings and drinking and basically meeting random guys online. That's the one thing I regret the most. Not the fact that something happened to me, but that the decisions I'd made were selfish and that I had made everyone worried about me. Myspace is not a good place to meet guys and start relationships. Most of the people on there lie about their intentions, and there have been previous cases where alot of people had been raped because they agreed to meet the guys offline. My advice is to not invest too much on them because you'll get hurt if they don't turn out to be the person you expect them to. If you can meet a guy in real life all the better. At least you actually know them in person rather than through the internet.
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