I'm new & need a place to talk about my situation

[wildsoul]

Hello everyone. After lurking a bit, I decided to jump into the conversation. I'm a little nervous and don't know where to start. Please forgive me for making the new-member mistake of providing too much information in a long-a** post.

 

About me:

I separated from my ex 2 years ago.

One year ago, we decided to divorce, but are just signing divorce papers now. It's all amicable. No cheating involved. I've been starting my new life over. It's lonely and finances are really hard. I'm stressed.

 

I started online dating last fall. That was fine. Taking it lightly.

 

About my relationship:

In January, I met someone who was married. I told him that wasn't workable, but let him talk me into meeting. You know the story. He said he as getting ready to separate, etc. Trouble started when we had amazing chemistry. He's really great at seducing me. Telling me all the things I want to hear such as how much he loves me and is leaving his wife. Never cheated before, etc.

 

Our timeline looks something like this.

 

Jan: We met. He told me his wife knew he was dating.

Feb: Turns out she sort of knew, but wasn't okay with it, so I broke it off.

Mar: He tells me that he's going to move out.

Apr: He rented a room in the town where I live.

 

<So far, the actions seemed to match his words about the separation.>

 

May: I discovered he was also trying to date other women online, while he was professing his eternal love for me. He dismissed it as internet flirting. I broke it off again.

 

June/July: He pleaded for me to come back. One of the women he was seeing during our breakup got in touch w/ me, telling me that all he did was talk and cry about me all the time. In a weird way, this made me believe that he did love me and that he made a mistake.

 

 

Upon reconcilliation, we renegotiated our terms:

• Must be "officially" separated from his wife, even if he is still there sometimes. But she needs to know (and agree) that he is dating.
  
• He and I only date each other.
  
• Everything out in the open, so we can become more "public" and see if we are a good couple.
  

Wow, and with all of that in place, I felt good. June/July were some of the best in my life.

 

Oh, but here's where I messed up big time. I took him back before he was "officially" separated and available for dating. He had said it would take a couple weeks. He kept giving me status reports of their discussions, saying she was accepting it. He was trying to give her time to adjust, which I do understand and was patient. In the meantime, she lost her job 2 weeks ago. Now, he says he can't continue the separation discussions with her. It's like he was waiting for the perfect time, but there isn't one.

 

Since that put us back into the realm of cheating, I broke up with him over the weekend. He made an agreement with me that he couldn't keep, which forced me into the break up, as he refused to continue the separation process with her.

 

I know I took the right action over the weekend, but I'm emotionally sick over it. Since we reunited, our already amazing chemistry grew stronger. He was working triple-time at seducing me. Planning out our future (constantly.) I think he meant it, but maybe it was just to hook me (or maybe both.) I'm confused and not thinking straight. Honestly, I didn't think we'd be broken up right now. I guess I thought he'd follow through on our agreement and tell his wife he's separating.

 

He's really mad at me now too. I wanted this to be loving, still holding a torch that eventually we'd be together after his separation. I was hoping he'd be able to comfort me a bit, not be mad.

 

I'm really hurting and withdrawals. Practically non-functional. Miserable.

 

Anyone? I don't have a question, but I will gratefully accept any feedback or insights you have to share. Thank you.

[Mino]

Hi, It sounded ok, until you said he is with his wife sometimes... What does that mean? Did he move back home? Just because she lost her job does not justify him going home. There is something more he is not telling you, like maybe they are trying to have another go at the M... Go back to your orginal plan, NC... this time be strong to see if he will follow through, if not you will be here for a long time, like the rest of us:confused: I wish I would have been stronger the first year without believing all the excuses..Good luck

[wildsoul]

Thanks Mino.

 

To clarify the "with the wife sometimes" part:

He hadn't fully moved out into the rented room for a few reasons that made sense to me.

1. He has a home office there. Not 100% of work can be done at Starbucks. File cabinets, and so forth.

2. He has a dog (no kids) with her.

3. When I was in my 1 of 2 years separation, I still spent a few nights a week with my ex for the first year. So that didn't seem unusual. It wasn't expecting him to announce a "we're definitely getting a divorce," kind of separation as a stage I, yanno?

 

Yeah, I think the fact that she lost her job isn't all that valid. YES, I can see how it would be hard for her emotionally and him financially. But it seems she has even less motivation to get another job when he's supporting them both. Besides, she lost her job only 2 weeks ago. He had time to tell her in between our reconcilliation and then, but he didn't.

 

Wow, but I appreciate your self-disclosure about wishing you'd been stronger. In my head, I know that sooner is better. I had drawn the line in the sand about things being out in the open during our reconcilliation discussions. And dammit, but it's meaningless if I don't hold that line. I already compromised it by taking him back before he held up his end.

 

I've done NC many years ago with an ex, so I know a lot about withdrawal symptoms. I also know about the devasation of on again/off again drama. I'm really embarassed and ashamed that I'm in that same emotional space again. I haven't officially declared a NC (to myself) yet. That idea occured to me today. I felt at home here, reading that term in other posts, as I know I found people who understand the addictive nature of intense relationships. I don't feel like I'm ready! Dammit, but my head is getting all the right ideas. My heart feels like it can't take it though.

[Mino]

I find it wierd to go back sometimes... Why would anyone do that.. A S or D means its done... So, that part I dont get.... I have been in A over 4 years.. NC is getting easier and easier... lol.. I always make the mistake of letting him back to soon... But I am starting to enjoy they days of NC , I go shopping, do all the things I want.. sure I miss him... but he is already use to me screaming nc... again.. He now just waits it out:eek:

[beautifullove]

How to survive your boyfriend's divorce by Robyn Todd and Lesley Dormen. Take a trip to Barnes & Noble and enjoy a very enlightening read. It will keep you occupied, while taking your mind off him. I wish I had read this book before I got involved, but like you, I didn't follow my gut feelings. My timeline is very similar to yours, and it recently ended. I did maintain NC, but since he suddenly ended the relationship, there was no closure. However, he called today and I caved in and answered. I asked for an explanation as to what happened. He said he would call me later and explain. To be honest, I'm expecting him to tell me he's gone back to his wife. Knowing what I know now, if I ever meet a seperated man again, I will run in the oppisite direction.

[whichwayisup]

This guy obviously isn't ready to be in any type of relationship and if you stick around, you'll get your heart broken. Things between him and his wife are not finalized and honestly, unless he's a cruel person, he isn't going to rock the boat so quickly after she just lost her job 2 weeks ago.

 

Anyway, try to do NC, detach yourself from him. Exclude him from your daily life, focus on friends, family etc...

[wildsoul]

Thank you whichwayisup. Good advice. I need to hear it. Need the support.

 

beautifullove, thanks for the book suggestion! I checked it out at Amazon. While there, another title caught my eye called Ending the Affair. I felt a surge of anxiety at the title. Your book seems more about making it work (from what I can tell) but is also for someone that IS separated. I swallowed hard, thinking to myself, "He's not fully separated." And I ordered the one with the dreaded title about "ending" it instead.

 

I added the separation book to my wish list. A perfect analogy. My relationship needs to be considered a wish list item at this time too. Ouchie. I think I'm gonna' start crying again.

[whichwayisup]

It's OK to cry and let yourself be upset...Just don't wallow in it and allow yourself to stay in a sad frame of mind..

 

The timing is wrong between the two of you and if you two are meant to be - Let him go end things properly and give him time to grieve that part of his life that is gone.

 

People can't jump out of a marriage and right into another relationship - Well, one can, but the relationship will be unhealthy.

[beautifullove]

WWU always seems to have good advice. I'm still taking her advice now. As for the book, yes it starts off talking about the seperation that leads to the divorce, and the emotions that are experienced. But, it also uncovers a pattern that your MM is experiencing. The author explains the whole 9, then she reminds you that you have three choices - one of which is to bail out. I know it can drain every ounce of your emotions and thinking power, but ultimately the ball is in your court.

[ShouldveKnownBetter]

 

Our timeline looks something like this.

 

Jan: We met. He told me his wife knew he was dating.

Feb: Turns out she sort of knew, but wasn't okay with it, so I broke it off.

Mar: He tells me that he's going to move out.

Apr: He rented a room in the town where I live.

 

<So far, the actions seemed to match his words about the separation.>

 

May: I discovered he was also trying to date other women online, while he was professing his eternal love for me. He dismissed it as internet flirting. I broke it off again.

 

June/July: He pleaded for me to come back. One of the women he was seeing during our breakup got in touch w/ me, telling me that all he did was talk and cry about me all the time. In a weird way, this made me believe that he did love me and that he made a mistake.

 

 

Upon reconcilliation, we renegotiated our terms:

• Must be "officially" separated from his wife, even if he is still there sometimes. But she needs to know (and agree) that he is dating.
  
• He and I only date each other.
  
• Everything out in the open, so we can become more "public" and see if we are a good couple.
  

Wow, and with all of that in place, I felt good. June/July were some of the best in my life.

 

wildsoul - I feel your pain! Your situation has similarities with mine. The one thing I was wondering in reading above - how do you know his wife knew & was okay with you dating? Did you talk to her yourself or did he tell you that? My xMM told me in front of many, many people they were separated & that she knew about me... and they weren't & she didn't, really. Just wondering!

 

Hang in there. The stress is awful, but you're doing the right thing! Chemistry is great, but it's not everything. You need to make sure you're getting all of your emotional needs met!

[wildsoul]

wildsoul - ...The one thing I was wondering in reading above - how do you know his wife knew & was okay with you dating? Did you talk to her yourself or did he tell you that? My xMM told me in front of many, many people they were separated & that she knew about me... and they weren't & she didn't, really. Just wondering!

Thank you for the empathy!

 

To clarify: We didn't get to the point where it was all on the table. That was the problem. He said he was going to make it all official with her, but needed a few conversations. He told me he started them, but then stopped all progress.

 

My mistake was getting back before he kept his end of the deal. I believed he was going to do what he said.

 

It's a mute point now, but I wasn't sure how I'd know for sure. It had occured to me that I might speak with her. Yet we didn't get that far.

[beautifullove]

I guess I should also add another point which is that the following weekend my xb/f was supposed to talk to his W about getting a divorce. He knew I was serious about things moving on. But I guess he got out in time.

[astra77]

I guess I should also add another point which is that the following weekend my xb/f was supposed to talk to his W about getting a divorce. He knew I was serious about things moving on. But I guess he got out in time.

 

Firstly, ((HUGS)) i kind of think you needed a hug, a genuine one from someone who IS concerned about you.

 

It is hard to process the gravity and intensity of the situation when you are a OM/OW. Feelings are strong, and feelings lead us to make decisions.

 

I dont doubt for a second that people posting on this site have strong and true feelings for the person they are having an A with, as did I. The thing is, even though words are spoken to us and we believe they are out of love from the A partner, who truely knows what the OP is thinking. Maybe the WS really does love the OM/OW, and is having a hard time dealing with their own emotions in the situation they have found themselves in, maybe they are just cake eating. This is a question that will never be answered. Think back, where you honest with your x about your feelings? Was he made aware that you wanted things to move forward, and you wanted to be a couple in the proper way? If you answer YES, then believe me he knows what you want. As to whether thats how it turns out, look at his actions. Truth be known, if he wants to be with you, he will do something about it yesterday. Sorry if this is harsh, but you have to look at it with your eyes wide open. He may have feelings for you, but if they are not that strong, then nothing will come of it. You are worth more than half a relationship, which is what you have now.

 

As i have heard so many times here it is ACTIONS THAT SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. USE YOUR GUT, IF IT FEELS WRONG, IT USUALLY IS.

 

You are on a journey of self discovery, and while it may be painful to start with, continued posting and "updating" your thoughts and situation is probably the best medicine for you right now. The only way to discover the real truth is to read what EVERYONE says - good and bad and take it on board.

[LovelyStyle]

Hey there,

 

Thanks for sharing. I'm new, too.

 

Sorry to hear you're going through this. I know you have feelings for him, but detoxing from him now can save you from all the drama and heartbreak you seem to be experiencing.

[beautifullove]

Yes, I am going through every emotion I can possibly think of. What's more, I just wonder who he really is. I don't know who he is anymore. I can vaguely remember the day he left. I don't even like to think of it as an affair, because it was supposedly established from the beginning that he was seperated, and so was I. He also told his wife about me. I'm still getting over the shock of it all. He has turned his back, and closed the door behind him.

 

Thanks for all the support.