so tired of being flaked on

[shadowplay]

So Mr. Harvard turned out to be a huge flake. It's pretty disappointing, because I was really looking forward to seeing him. Here's the blow by blow.

 

1) In response to my first drunk message he was very enthusiastic and wanted to get together that night. I told him tomorrow would work better for me.

 

2) He said he would be busy tomorrow and the day after but we should def talk later in the week. He still sounded quite positive and enthusiastic.

 

3) On Friday I messaged him and asked if he was free this weekend.

 

4) He responded back that he was all booked up on Saturday but probably would be free on Sunday and we should talk then. This is when I got worried.

 

5) I wrote that I needed to know a day in advance if we were going to get together. (that was probably a stupid thing to say, and may have put him off.)

 

6) I lost my phone, so on Saturday I had no way of knowing if he had called me up or left a message.

 

7) Sunday morning I messaged him and wrote that I had lost my phone, so had no way of receiving calls or checking messages, but tonight would work for me if he was still interested.

 

8) Still hadn't heard from him by 8 o'clock. I was pissed off at this point and wrote a last ditch kind of message that was like "I'm sorry if I put you off with the drunk message I sent. It was out of character for me and I felt embarrassed the next morning, but then when I saw your response it made me reconsider because I'm attracted to you. I thought it would be fun -- not looking for a relationship (just got out of one), but if you've lost interest I understand. Just let me know either way."

 

9) He responded a few hours later with a very apologetic message that he had been away all weekend without internet access, crashing in another part of the city on Saturday night, and, yes, he's still def interested and asked me when I was free that week.

 

10) I wrote that I was going away on Mon and Tuesday but would be free Wed night.

 

11) When I still hadn't heard from him on Tuesday night, I wrote simply: "Well? :)"

 

12) Again no response. At this point I was just fed up and didn't care if he responded at all, but wanted to express my annoyance. I wrote something like: "Hope you're doing well. I admit I'm a bit confused because you tell me you're interested and ask me when I'm free but then don't respond to my messages. If you're not, that's cool, but just let me know one way or the other. I'd appreciate the courtesy of a response either way."

 

13) He responded with something very apologetic again like "I'm really sorry about my flakiness. It was stupid. I've been sick the last two days and was waiting to get better to get back to you. Yes, I am still definitely interested. Tomorrow might work. I promise that I WILL get back to you."

 

14) I wrote "feel better, and get some rest." and he responded with "thanks, drinking tea and sleeping is helping somewhat."

 

15) The next day some time in the afternoon he wrote "Hey, well, I'm still sick so it looks like I'll be taking it easy tonight. Perhaps some day..."

 

16) I was worried by his "some day," but simply wrote "hope you feel better, J."

 

17) The next day (Friday) around five I kind of snapped and wrote something I regret that was like: "Curious...by 'some day' do you mean never? I hope you're feeling better. I had something like that a few weeks ago and it really sucked. Anyway, I'm going to ---- to visit some friends this weekend, but might be free Sunday, Monday or Tues night. After that I'm going to NY for my birthday. Feel better. :)" I immediately regretted sending that message. Should have just waited or let it go.

 

18) Sunday early morning he messages me with "Would you like to meet up tonight? I think it should work well. Give me a call or I'll call you. :)"

 

19) Two hours later he wrote "Despite what I said two hours ago, I'm going to have to flake on you again. I'm up against the wall in work. I have a huge project due on Wednesday and I'm going down to NC then. Realistically maybe you should write me off since I've been so flaky."

 

20) My response was like "No hard feelings, just let me know if you're ever free before the end of the Summer. Good luck with your work!"

 

That's it for me.

 

I feel pretty humiliated and terrible. Why the hell did he keep telling me he was interested and then backing out? I have seriously never in my life had someone be this flaky to me. It's insane. I gave him so many outs to be like "sorry, I changed my mind" but he didn't take them until the end.

 

Btw, I have very good reason believe that he was genuinely sick and overworked. He's a PhD candidate with a huge amount of work. He's also leaving the city for good in a few weeks. But I also believe he was ambivalent about seeing me and using that as an excuse.

 

I really, really wish he had never contacted me.

 

I also wish I had had the will power to stop pursuing him earlier on. In fact, I probably would have stopped but he was so important to me that I felt like I had to give it one last go. Maybe if I had been less persistent things would have turned out differently.

 

The whole thing just sucks. I can't tell you how many guys have blown me off like this in the past (though not to this extreme). It's gotten to the point where I never believe someone when they make a commitment or plan until they actually show. Seriously, I would have preferred it if he had just not responded to that first message and spared me all this grief.

 

To compound matters I've been in touch with my ex (platonically), and today he just flaked out on me about something very important (non romantic). He had made a commitment to me awhile back about something and just backed out at the very last minute.

 

I also had a professor/advisor who would pull this kind of BS on me all the time. Tell me he had a job for me, insist he was interested and then keep flaking.

 

I'm so sick of people.

[stillafool]

If you are talking about Mr. Harvard University, don't be surprised women are crawling all over each other for them. They see his future earning potential. Move on.

[shadowplay]

If you are talking about Mr. Harvard University, don't be surprised women are crawling all over each other for them. They see his future earning potential. Move on.

 

No, lol he doesn't go to Harvard. It's a long story why I gave him that nickname. I doubt women are crawling all over him. He's pretty nerdy and awkward. ....which sort of makes the rejection all the more painful.

[xpaperxcutx]

Holy crap he somewhat reminds me of me, one trait of myself that I'm not extremely proud of. He liked the fact that you were drunk dialing him and pursuing him, and he knew that he could get away with flaking on you once or twice, knowing that you'll be back for the third round sometime soon.

 

Guys like that are not dependable and not worth waiting around for. They know that they can always back out of the date at the last minute because you're so fixated on them. Best to put him on the Don't Date list.

[jadedone]

This is sooooo what I'm going through with a woman I'm interested in. I don't hear from her for days unless I make contact first, and she insists that she wants to see me, but she can never say when she will be free.

 

 

I think people like this are indeed ambivalent about it. They will see us if it's convenient, but otherwise they don't really care.

 

If she would have just blown me off after the first date I would have been fine with it, but the fact that she acted interested afterwards is what confuses and annoys me.

[fabulousgal]

i'm sorry, people are flaky in general unfortunatley. in the future, let the guy know you are interested but let him lead....if he doesn't bite he doesnt and you can't drive yourself nutso over it. guys are simple...(in my opinon before i get blasted)...they like, they try. they feel so so , they act so so.

[shadowplay]

This is sooooo what I'm going through with a woman I'm interested in. I don't hear from her for days unless I make contact first, and she insists that she wants to see me, but she can never say when she will be free.

 

 

I think people like this are indeed ambivalent about it. They will see us if it's convenient, but otherwise they don't really care.

 

If she would have just blown me off after the first date I would have been fine with it, but the fact that she acted interested afterwards is what confuses and annoys me.

 

I know, why can't people just say what they mean? It annoys the hell out of me when I give somebody a perfect out to be like "yeah, I changed my mind" and they keep insisting that they're still interested. I feel like they're playing some game with me.

 

I may have a lot of problems, but I've always been assertive. If I'm not interested, I'll tell somebody. I won't lead them on.

[shadowplay]

i'm sorry, people are flaky in general unfortunatley. in the future, let the guy know you are interested but let him lead....if he doesn't bite he doesnt and you can't drive yourself nutso over it. guys are simple...(in my opinon before i get blasted)...they like, they try. they feel so so , they act so so.

 

Yup, that's it for me taking the lead with a guy ever again. Every time I do it fails miserably.

 

The sad thing is I've almost never had a guy I like pursue me unambivalently. I almost always have to do more than half of the leg work.

 

I'm done.

[LoveDeluxe78]

Yup, that's it for me taking the lead with a guy ever again. Every time I do it fails miserably.

 

The sad thing is I've almost never had a guy I like pursue me unambivalently. I almost always have to do more than half of the leg work.

 

I'm done.

 

Yeah, let the guy take the lead! You can show you're interested of course, but let him take the lead just because it will allow you to gauge how interested he is in you (as some guys are only in it for the attention that they crave as you are pursuing them), and also, his level of flakiness! It's really easier that way!

[shadowplay]

I'm considering unfriending him on facebook. That would be officially cutting the cord. Do you guys think I should? I want to send him that 'f you' that message, but I'm afraid I'll regret it later.

[LoveDeluxe78]

I'm considering unfriending him on facebook. That would be officially cutting the cord. Do you guys think I should? I want to send him that 'f you' that message, but I'm afraid I'll regret it later.

 

I'm trying to get over a hot n cold, flaky guy right now, and I'm doing well. I do advise that you unfriend him on facebook. Any less contact you have with him, or anything related to him, the better! Don't send the f you message! You can write one, but burn it or delete, just don't send it! Silence sends the loudest message!!!!

[xpaperxcutx]

I'm considering unfriending him on facebook. That would be officially cutting the cord. Do you guys think I should? I want to send him that 'f you' that message, but I'm afraid I'll regret it later.

 

are you trying to gauge a reaction out of him? If you read a thread I started, I had a guy delete me on myspace because I backed out of a date, only to have him try to add me as a friend again when he didn't get the response he wanted.

[Star Gazer]

Why the hell did he keep telling me he was interested and then backing out?

 

Because:

 

(1) You offered him free sex, no strings.

 

(2) You continued to basically chase after him even after he didn't commit to a time and place the first time.

 

(3) He knows that because YOU are the one offering up free sex with no strings, that YOU're the one who wants it/is asking for it, so it's at HIS discretion when/how/under what circumstances he'll let that happen. In other words, you'll get your free sex when it's best for HIM.

 

When you offer something for absolute free, it loses its value.

[sid3]

This is sooooo what I'm going through with a woman I'm interested in. I don't hear from her for days unless I make contact first, and she insists that she wants to see me, but she can never say when she will be free.

 

 

I think people like this are indeed ambivalent about it. They will see us if it's convenient, but otherwise they don't really care.

 

If she would have just blown me off after the first date I would have been fine with it, but the fact that she acted interested afterwards is what confuses and annoys me.

 

Dam doesn't it suck! Why act, and say your interested. I think it's a bigger issue for the people that flake. It's not even a question of hurting one's feelings. Shouldn't common sense tell people that it's easier on a person when you let them down rather than acting hot/cold.

 

i'd be annoyed too shadow, but it sounds like this guy was more about being in control than anything else. Flaky people will suck the life right out of you.

[shadowplay]

Btw, the thing that frustrates me is I'm sure it would have happened if I had just seen him that night after he sent the first message "I think that sounds lovely, what are you doing tonight?" We made plans to meet up and go to a movie after he had dinner and he even called me up. Then I told him I was too busy for that night (which was true). That's when he seemed to lose interest.

 

It just sucks that I was tantalizingly close.

 

How do I get over my obsession with him? I know he's an ahole, always have, but I can't seem to topple him from the pedestal. Especially now that I've had the carrot dangled in my face.

 

I was on a road trip this weekend in the country and everything reminded me of him or my idealized version of him. It was so ridiculous. Just random beautiful scenes we passed seemed tied to him. Somehow I got it in my head that he was my only chance at happiness and I was losing something really precious by not being with him. I know it's completely bizarre for me to think this way since I barely even know him, but how do I fight those feelings? Not feeling them now, but they sometimes come at random times and leave me miserable.

[shadowplay]

are you trying to gauge a reaction out of him? If you read a thread I started, I had a guy delete me on myspace because I backed out of a date, only to have him try to add me as a friend again when he didn't get the response he wanted.

 

No, I know if I do I'll never hear from him again. I'm just annoyed and want to express that. But I'm wondering if that might seem like I care too much (which is true, lol).

[xpaperxcutx]

Btw, the thing that frustrates me is I'm sure it would have happened if I had just seen him that night after he sent the first message "I think that sounds lovely, what are you doing tonight?" We made plans to meet up and go to a movie after he had dinner and he even called me up. Then I told him I was too busy for that night (which was true). That's when he seemed to lose interest.

 

It just sucks that I was tantalizingly close.

 

How do I get over my obsession with him? I know he's an ahole, always have, but I can't seem to topple him from the pedestal. Especially now that I've had the carrot dangled in my face.

 

I was on a road trip this weekend in the country and everything reminded me of him or my idealized version of him. It was so ridiculous. Just random beautiful scenes we passed seemed tied to him. Somehow I got it in my head that he was my only chance at happiness and I was losing something really precious by not being with him. I know it's completely bizarre for me to think this way since I barely even know him, but how do I fight those feelings? Not feeling them now, but they sometimes come at random times and leave me miserable.

 

No that just makes you a booty call. A guy who texts out of the blue for a direct meeting right then and there says he has no plans for the night and was just looking for company. You were right in not meeting up.

I think you're just infatuated. You'll get over it.

[jadedone]

I'm considering unfriending him on facebook. That would be officially cutting the cord. Do you guys think I should? I want to send him that 'f you' that message, but I'm afraid I'll regret it later.

 

 

Yeah, delete him. The key is to NOT tell him you are deleting him. I need to do the same thing, the only that has stopped me is that her myspace is private and I still want to be able to see it, that may have to change anyway.

[whichwayisup]

It's a long story why I gave him that nickname

 

Did he have a speech impendiment accent? (The Boston accent)

 

Okay well, you know what Im goin to say..

 

Be alone for a while. Focus on you, women friends and don't get involved with ANY man for atleast 6 months or more.

[shadowplay]

Did he have a speech impendiment accent? (The Boston accent)

 

Okay well, you know what Im goin to say..

 

Be alone for a while. Focus on you, women friends and don't get involved with ANY man for atleast 6 months or more.

 

Yes, yes, you're right. Thanks for the slap in the face. I think this was a special case because Mr. Harvard was so important to me in the past. Nope, no Boston accent -- though that would have been hilarious. He's from DC.

 

But after this I really feel resolved to forget about guys for awhile. It's tough though because I'm so in the habit of scoping out every slightly appealing guy I meet. "Is he a possibility?" I need to stop doing that.

[whichwayisup]

We've all said it and yes you do need time away from men.

 

Learn to be happy with who you are, without having to rely on a guy in your life, whether it be a crush, a boyfriend or a fling.

 

Get a shower massager! Woo hoo!

[Lizzie60]

So Mr. Harvard turned out to be a huge flake. It's pretty disappointing, because I was really looking forward to seeing him. Here's the blow by blow.

 

1) In response to my first drunk message he was very enthusiastic and wanted to get together that night. I told him tomorrow would work better for me.

 

2) He said he would be busy tomorrow and the day after but we should def talk later in the week. He still sounded quite positive and enthusiastic.

 

3) On Friday I messaged him and asked if he was free this weekend.

 

4) He responded back that he was all booked up on Saturday but probably would be free on Sunday and we should talk then. This is when I got worried.

 

5) I wrote that I needed to know a day in advance if we were going to get together. (that was probably a stupid thing to say, and may have put him off.)

 

6) I lost my phone, so on Saturday I had no way of knowing if he had called me up or left a message.

 

7) Sunday morning I messaged him and wrote that I had lost my phone, so had no way of receiving calls or checking messages, but tonight would work for me if he was still interested.

 

8) Still hadn't heard from him by 8 o'clock. I was pissed off at this point and wrote a last ditch kind of message that was like "I'm sorry if I put you off with the drunk message I sent. It was out of character for me and I felt embarrassed the next morning, but then when I saw your response it made me reconsider because I'm attracted to you. I thought it would be fun -- not looking for a relationship (just got out of one), but if you've lost interest I understand. Just let me know either way."

 

9) He responded a few hours later with a very apologetic message that he had been away all weekend without internet access, crashing in another part of the city on Saturday night, and, yes, he's still def interested and asked me when I was free that week.

 

10) I wrote that I was going away on Mon and Tuesday but would be free Wed night.

 

11) When I still hadn't heard from him on Tuesday night, I wrote simply: "Well? :)"

 

12) Again no response. At this point I was just fed up and didn't care if he responded at all, but wanted to express my annoyance. I wrote something like: "Hope you're doing well. I admit I'm a bit confused because you tell me you're interested and ask me when I'm free but then don't respond to my messages. If you're not, that's cool, but just let me know one way or the other. I'd appreciate the courtesy of a response either way."

 

13) He responded with something very apologetic again like "I'm really sorry about my flakiness. It was stupid. I've been sick the last two days and was waiting to get better to get back to you. Yes, I am still definitely interested. Tomorrow might work. I promise that I WILL get back to you."

 

14) I wrote "feel better, and get some rest." and he responded with "thanks, drinking tea and sleeping is helping somewhat."

 

15) The next day some time in the afternoon he wrote "Hey, well, I'm still sick so it looks like I'll be taking it easy tonight. Perhaps some day..."

 

16) I was worried by his "some day," but simply wrote "hope you feel better, J."

 

17) The next day (Friday) around five I kind of snapped and wrote something I regret that was like: "Curious...by 'some day' do you mean never? I hope you're feeling better. I had something like that a few weeks ago and it really sucked. Anyway, I'm going to ---- to visit some friends this weekend, but might be free Sunday, Monday or Tues night. After that I'm going to NY for my birthday. Feel better. :)" I immediately regretted sending that message. Should have just waited or let it go.

 

18) Sunday early morning he messages me with "Would you like to meet up tonight? I think it should work well. Give me a call or I'll call you. :)"

 

19) Two hours later he wrote "Despite what I said two hours ago, I'm going to have to flake on you again. I'm up against the wall in work. I have a huge project due on Wednesday and I'm going down to NC then. Realistically maybe you should write me off since I've been so flaky."

 

20) My response was like "No hard feelings, just let me know if you're ever free before the end of the Summer. Good luck with your work!"

 

That's it for me.

 

I feel pretty humiliated and terrible. Why the hell did he keep telling me he was interested and then backing out? I have seriously never in my life had someone be this flaky to me. It's insane. I gave him so many outs to be like "sorry, I changed my mind" but he didn't take them until the end.

 

Btw, I have very good reason believe that he was genuinely sick and overworked. He's a PhD candidate with a huge amount of work. He's also leaving the city for good in a few weeks. But I also believe he was ambivalent about seeing me and using that as an excuse.

 

I really, really wish he had never contacted me.

 

I also wish I had had the will power to stop pursuing him earlier on. In fact, I probably would have stopped but he was so important to me that I felt like I had to give it one last go. Maybe if I had been less persistent things would have turned out differently.

 

The whole thing just sucks. I can't tell you how many guys have blown me off like this in the past (though not to this extreme). It's gotten to the point where I never believe someone when they make a commitment or plan until they actually show. Seriously, I would have preferred it if he had just not responded to that first message and spared me all this grief.

 

To compound matters I've been in touch with my ex (platonically), and today he just flaked out on me about something very important (non romantic). He had made a commitment to me awhile back about something and just backed out at the very last minute.

 

I also had a professor/advisor who would pull this kind of BS on me all the time. Tell me he had a job for me, insist he was interested and then keep flaking.

 

I'm so sick of people.

 

WOW.. you have way more patience than I do.. I would have tell him to get lost the second time he 'flaked' ... some people are natural 'flakes'...

[shadowplay]

Just live your life and forget he exists. It is a sad state of affairs that you are obsessing over this dude like this.

 

Have you dated a guy who really wanted to date you and spend time with you, as in he was really into you? Did he behave like this guy? I am willing to put money on "no."

 

Even if you get the chance to hook up, do you really want to waste more time and energy on this guy who really is lukewarm about you? You apparently went out once. His behavior doesn't demonstrate that he felt a great spark for you at all. I'm sorry but that is just the facts.

 

Please move on, yes it really is that easy. Delete him from your cell, delete his email, delete anything related to him that makes it easy to contact him.

 

 

I agree with everything you said, and I've obviously given up on him.

 

I just feel so defeated. Like why wasn't I good enough for him? I feel like somehow if I'm not good enough for him I won't be good enough for any guy I ever like.

 

Basically, the future looks pretty bleak to me right now. I have this feeling a few years down the line I'll panic about not being married and settle for some guy I don't really like.

 

I'm not sure why I feel this urgency at the age of 24, but I def do.

 

Given how unsocial and unlikeable to most people I am I could see myself going years without being in another relationship.

[shadowplay]

Right now I feel incredibly bitter about love and dating. Not even just thinking about this, but all the actual relationships I've been in and the way they've ended. I see no good in it all. I was happier when I was naive.

[johan]

Shadow, I'm sorry you're feeling frustr