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Two weeks before our wedding i find hes responded to a personal ad

missmegs

By missmegs
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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missmegs New Member

missmegs

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So i was looking for a number i text messaged to his Blackberry and when looking at his messages i found that he had responded to a personal ad. It said " i am a single guy... just seeing where this might go" I showed it to him and he played dumb. When i walked away he deleted it. He swears that he was bored at work and responded to a couples posting on CL. He was bored and curious and wanted to know what they would say. Then when they wrote back hed talk to me bout it and see my reaction. He then told me he never heard back from the ad. Later he told that a porn bot wrote him back and he erased it.

 

I dont know if he was nervous and forgot and thats contributing to the huge holes in his story...or if hes just lieing to me. He swears hell never do anything like that without talking to me first and doesnt know why he wrote a single guy but...he loves me and only wants to be with me and be my commited husband.

 

Im pretty confident that hes never cheated on me but what do i do about this? DO i call off the wedding cuz a portion of me thinks hes lieing?

Rorocher Established Member

Rorocher

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This may not even correlate to your situation at all but beware of the "bored at work" excuse. An ex used this same excuse on me when I caught him replying to a personal ad. I bought it, thinking of how I sometimes get bored at work too and just goof off on the internet, not replying to personal ads though.

 

Anyway, months later, I found out he was "bored at work" enough to cheat on me several times with several women that he picked up from this site.

 

Beware, if you give them an inch, they'll take a yard. If he's so bored at work, he can play solitaire, not go to dating websites baiting temptation. Trust your gut or you'll be blindsided like I don't know what.

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missmegs New Member

missmegs

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Yes that is exactly what im afraid of. I cant imagine not marrying him in a few weeks but I dont want to be made a fool of. I guess i can understand the being bored at work thing cuz ive been there but... I never responded to ads just read them. And if it really was a couple thing why did he even specify he was a single guy.

syz Established Member

syz

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I cannot warn you enough. This is a very serious redflag and he blew right by the stop sign and tried to minimize it to cover his ass.

 

He wasn't bored. he was seeking something to fill a place in him that he refuses to acknowledge probably exists. He wasn't looking to see what else was out there, or curious he was trolling for sex somewhere else.. he is doing damage control and nothing else.

 

I would seriously consider postponing the wedding. As painful as this may be you need to count your blessings that you went looking for that number and that this was discovered before you take your vows.

 

This is a sign of a serious problem and that you both are not on the same page at all. This is really a sign of more to come, further excuses, and an affair or two or three down the line, Possibly even an STD for you. I kid you not.

 

Unless he is willing to acknowledge how serious what he has done is and back it up with actions like getting therapy I would seriously consider breaking it off. In the meantime put a stop to the wedding until further notice.

blair08 Established Member

blair08

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Redflag, so take heed. If he is displaying this kind of behavior now, what makes you think he wont when you're married? A piece of paper and saying I do, more than likely wont change this. Please don't turn the other cheek in hopes this will get better or that he wont do it again.

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missmegs New Member

missmegs

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Well just to fuel the fire i tried to get into his email and bingo broke the code. He has an email that he registered for an escort service back on 7/7/08. Which is bad but does correlate to his finding a couple or girl for us?

blair08 Established Member

blair08

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Well just to fuel the fire i tried to get into his email and bingo broke the code. He has an email that he registered for an escort service back on 7/7/08. Which is bad but does correlate to his finding a couple or girl for us?

 

 

What do you mean finding a couple or a girl for you all?

Lizzie60 Established Member

Lizzie60

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So i was looking for a number i text messaged to his Blackberry and when looking at his messages i found that he had responded to a personal ad. It said " i am a single guy... just seeing where this might go" I showed it to him and he played dumb. When i walked away he deleted it. He swears that he was bored at work and responded to a couples posting on CL. He was bored and curious and wanted to know what they would say. Then when they wrote back hed talk to me bout it and see my reaction. He then told me he never heard back from the ad. Later he told that a porn bot wrote him back and he erased it.

 

I dont know if he was nervous and forgot and thats contributing to the huge holes in his story...or if hes just lieing to me. He swears hell never do anything like that without talking to me first and doesnt know why he wrote a single guy but...he loves me and only wants to be with me and be my commited husband.

 

Im pretty confident that hes never cheated on me but what do i do about this? DO i call off the wedding cuz a portion of me thinks hes lieing?

 

Poor you.. I really feel sorry for you ... you are about to marry a cheater... a liar.. trust me on that one..

 

I am sure that even if we advise you to cancel the wedding .. you won't.. but this guy's a hoot.. ...'then when they wrote back hed talk to me bout it and see my reaction'...

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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Call off your wedding.

 

Listen to your gut. What you know now is enough to make you see the red flags!

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missmegs New Member

missmegs

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He apparently wanted to bring in a girl or a couple for us in teh bedroom.

sb129 Established Member

sb129

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He apparently wanted to bring in a girl or a couple for us in teh bedroom.

 

And you were cool with this?

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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And I'm sure this is something you're NOT into. Rightfully so.

PandorasBox Established Member

PandorasBox

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"I showed it to him and he played dumb."

 

Of course he did. I highly doubt he would be truthful about it.

 

When I walked away he deleted it."

 

Yep, probably in hopes you would forget about it. Now that you saw this, he will probably just be more careful with what he is doing, and hide it better.

 

"He was bored and wanted to know what they would say."

 

He needs more work to do if he is bored but that was just his excuse you know. Besides if its a personals ad, he pretty much knew what they would say.

 

"He doesn't know why he wrote single guy."

 

Yes he does.

 

"He loves me and only wants to be with me and be my committed husband."

 

IMO, if he truly loved you he wouldn't be doing what he is doing. As far as committed husband goes, he can't seem to be a committed fiance'.

 

Everyone has given you their opinon on the situation, now its up to you to make your decison.

JackJack Established Member

JackJack

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With the advice you have been given, what to you feel you will do?

 

I bet you're a very loving and trusting person, one that someone like your soon to be husband could easily manipulate and that you would fall for.

 

Look real hard at what others are telling you they see just from your post. This isn't a good thing for a relationship, and especially starting out a soon to be marriage on.

Dark-N-Romantic Established Member

Dark-N-Romantic

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Miss Megs,

 

If your fiance is so bored at work that he has to spend time on personal ads, then you may have a problem. Know I would of kept the message and actually traced it back. I am telling you as a guy with some kind of common sense when it comes to relationships and its do's and don'ts... He is up to no good and it would do you good to pay attention to this red-flag. Is it a deal breaker, does it mean he has or if he hasn't cheated is another story. But, I beg you to REALLY think well if you are doing the right thing for if you get married to him and he breaks your heart, no that you allowed him to do this to you.

 

Miss Megs, please take some words of wisdom, even though I am not married, I have dealt with a lot of married people from family members and friends to my own Marines when I was an NCO... DO SOME RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING AND PRE-MARITAL COUNSELING! Do it! Do it! Do it! There are issues hear about lying and sexual activities that you need to deal with before you get married and wind up having to confront them later down the road. I mean, you should check out the thread with the woman who was married 8 years to a man who just recently decided to tell his wife that he was bisexual and wanted to have sex with men... I am sure she did not sign up for that 8 years ago and he knew what he wanted, but waited all this time to when the marriage was solid and she would have a hard time of telling him no or divorcing him if he proceeds with his desires. Now is the time to define your marriage and yall's roles and desires of each other and the marriage because you have to be on the same page.

 

 

DNR

Good luck. Don't be blind of the warning signs. And remember this... When confronted with wrong doing most people will either fight or flee, especially if they don't want to see you go.

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

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He apparently wanted to bring in a girl or a couple for us in teh bedroom.

Considering that the most innocent spin you can put on this is that, on his own and without consulting you, he was going to invite another girl or couple into your bed - isn't that in itself a huge red flag :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

SunnySideUp Established Member

SunnySideUp

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OP you must be devastated by this find. I can't imagine what I would do if I found something like that that made me doubt my husband's fidelity.

 

Please please please for your own sake at least postpone the wedding and think about it. Don't keep the wedding on just because it's easier. It would be so much easier now to back out of a wedding than to get a divorce if he is in fact a cheater.

 

I agree with the other posters, those two things are HUGE red flags. If I ever found my husband doing either of those things, it would break my heart. I would divorce him because I'd know I could never ever trust him again. It might be difficult, but you need to do what's good for you. No one deserves a cheating spouse. It's just too much to go through.

iwanttolive Established Member

iwanttolive

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If anyone is desperate to get married, that's me. But reading your post, please please don't get yourself hurt!

Angel1111 Established Member

Angel1111

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Miss Megs,

 

If your fiance is so bored at work that he has to spend time on personal ads, then you may have a problem. Know I would of kept the message and actually traced it back. I am telling you as a guy with some kind of common sense when it comes to relationships and its do's and don'ts... He is up to no good and it would do you good to pay attention to this red-flag. Is it a deal breaker, does it mean he has or if he hasn't cheated is another story. But, I beg you to REALLY think well if you are doing the right thing for if you get married to him and he breaks your heart, no that you allowed him to do this to you.

 

Miss Megs, please take some words of wisdom, even though I am not married, I have dealt with a lot of married people from family members and friends to my own Marines when I was an NCO... DO SOME RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING AND PRE-MARITAL COUNSELING! Do it! Do it! Do it! There are issues hear about lying and sexual activities that you need to deal with before you get married and wind up having to confront them later down the road. I mean, you should check out the thread with the woman who was married 8 years to a man who just recently decided to tell his wife that he was bisexual and wanted to have sex with men... I am sure she did not sign up for that 8 years ago and he knew what he wanted, but waited all this time to when the marriage was solid and she would have a hard time of telling him no or divorcing him if he proceeds with his desires. Now is the time to define your marriage and yall's roles and desires of each other and the marriage because you have to be on the same page.

 

 

DNR

Good luck. Don't be blind of the warning signs. And remember this... When confronted with wrong doing most people will either fight or flee, especially if they don't want to see you go.

 

Excellent comments - and even better because they're from a guy's perspective. (BTW, the lady with the bi husband, I think they've been married about 13 yrs....ugggg.)

 

The only thing I disagree with is the marriage counseling. I think it's fine when you're married but they are only engaged and having this huge issue already. They are starting off with a problem that most marriages don't encounter for numerous years, if ever, and even they have trouble keeping it together after that. This couple isn't even married yet. He'll learn a way to do this behind her back and the next time she discovers it, they'll be 7 yrs and 3 kids down the road.

 

Honey, I know this hurts but this man has betrayed your trust. There is no question that he is either cheating or is thinking very hard about it. You need to call off this wedding or you're going to find yourself in divorce court somewhere down the road. If think this is bad, divorce is so much worse I can't even tell you. Please don't do that to yourself. You cannot plead ignorance here - you have all the evidence you need. I'm so sorry. This is heartbreaking.

torranceshipman Established Member

torranceshipman

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This has huge red flags all over it...he went to the trouble of putting up a singles profile and is interacting with women on the singles website. When you found the message, he didnt even bother with much of an explanation even though its obvious you'd need a lot of reassurance and apologies for this - i.e. if this had been a stupid goofy joke he'd done at work, he'd be absolutely MORTIFIED you'd found out, would have rued the day he ever did anything so stupid and would be quite rightly scared to death you'd call off the wedding!! But he didn't, did he...sounds like he has all the power in your R and he knows he can treat you badly if he wants and you have to accept it. Plus you have found an escort number-eugh-and that was related to his wanting to bring another female into your bed which you dont sound so into - again, sounds like he has all the power in your R and you have to put up or shut up.

 

So put it together - he lies to you, has escorts and singles dating girls contacts on his email/phone, with active history with contacting both, and is trying to get another woman into your bed. Why the HELL are you marrying this guy? He sounds like a massive sleaze. He really sounds like he's cheating already. I know its very hard to call off a wedding but I'd do it if I were you...at the very least buy a keylogger or hire a PI or something, so you know exactly what is going on, then you can make a decision. Good luck...I really feel for you!

Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

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I agree with the others: this is an enormous red flag. It would be a deal-breaker for me.

porter218 Established Member

porter218

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This is one of the biggest red flags you could have found. I am soooo sorry for you...but you need to at the least indefinitely post-pone your wedding. I would put a lot of money on the fact that he is using escorts on a semi regular basis. He probably loves you and want to be your husband but wants to be able to see escorts as well. This is one of the hardest types of cheaters to actually catch.

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