B-Rad Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 I was in a yearlong relationship with a girl I loved. I was deeply depressed during this time. She did nothing but love me, but I couldn't bring myself to do much by way of reciprocating this love. I was a wreck, went through a complete breakdown and came out the other side a better man. The thing was, she was completely unaware of my depression as I did my best to hide it. She took my aloofness as not liking or loving her, and I guess I didn't do much to prove otherwise. I was scared for her to see that I wasn't the same, and I hated the new me. Well, I got better, much healthier and happier with my life and was ready to give her all the love she deserved. Problem is, she broke up with me before I was given this chance. She said that she believed I only viewed her as a friend and that her love for me was lost in this process. It was a rocky breakup, with me begging her to reconsider, her refusing, we hooked up one more time, then she got a new boyfriend. I was devastated and tried and tried to convince her I was different and that I loved her (my depression was still unknown to her). She said that all she wants is to be friends, that who knows down the line but she is finally happy now and doesn't want me back. I still like her a lot and wish we could be together. I feel intense guilt that my depression ruined what we had. I finally told her about my depression after a period of no contact. It cleared up a lot of hard feelings she still had but it didn't change the situation. I want to stay close because I care about her a lot. I can handle not being her boyfriend but it's something I will always regret and wish for a second chance. She hasn't shut the door on it but I don't want to get my hopes up. I realize that any reconciliation will occur with us starting as friends and I know we're not ready to date. But the thought of her with another guy still eats at me. I'm not waiting for her but I feel like she'll always be my number one choice. She did nothing wrong in this process and I don't expect her to drop her new stuff just because I am ready for love, but I can't help but be upset by it. I know it's a crazy thought but part of me feels like she's the only one who loved me for who I am, flaws and all, and that she was my only shot at happiness. I am young and I know this is a crazy notion. But I'm in a tough situation. Should I keep her close and hope for the best while expecting the worst? Or do I have to kick her out of my life completely, as painful as that would be for both of us? I don't want to live without her and I'd rather take her as a friend, but I feel like any time I see her or hang out with her there will be that regret until the day (if and when) we get back together. Dating again has helped the situation immensely but I feel like I'd always choose her over any other girl. I'm hopelessly in love and it might not be hopeless, but sometimes it looks that way. What should I do?
wendyieann Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 I feel intense guilt that my depression ruined what we had. I finally told her about my depression after a period of no contact. Well...if you were honest with her she might of been there to support you. I know for myself, I also feel like I pushed my STBXH away. I later found out I had severe post pardum depression and bi-polar! Now, when I look back on things I can see how I pushed him out of my life. However, if they loved you they would of stood by you, especially when you were having a hard time. I am glad you were able to talk to her and be honest with her. However, take things slow. Always be open and up front. If it happens great. If it doesn't you are ready for someone else. You have learned from your mistakes and will do much better next time. Good luck and I hope you continue to monitor your health!
Eyeofthoth Posted August 9, 2008 Posted August 9, 2008 I think I am in essentially the same situation B-Rad. My boyfriend of a year and a half has returned to an ex and I feel like in many ways my behavior over the last couple of months pushed him away. He knew the reason for my "nervous breakdown" was a custody dispute with my kids, but him knowing this didn't make it any easier to put up with. Anyway, I am wondering the same thing about whether it is a good idea to cultivate a friendship with him while attempting to move on at the same time. I know he is open to a friendship, because he never wanted to completely break ties with me. But he is with someone else and so I don't know if I could stomach this. Plus I want to be totally open to moving on with someone new. Can we play it both ways? I hope so because it is what I really want to try to do, but I know it is probably the hardest road to take . . .
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