homey76 Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 Many of you have read my posts and to summarize our relationship read this link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t157774/ (That link is essential to understand the rest of this post) Anyway, in short, I basically live with a very insecure, codependent, and controlling wife. We got married because of a pregnancy. There is much more important detail in the link. It's been a while since my last post, and some days it feels like we are making progress in our marriage, but most days it doesn't.[/sIZE] Much of this progress I feel is being made by me, and I don't feel much effort coming from her Our last episode happened last night. In summary, she nagged me all weekend about not helping with our 3 mo. year old enough (due to my sleeping in one day out of a 7 day week). I am the sole provider to my family, and she stays home with the baby, does no chores, and leaves the house a wreck for me to clean... Anyway, she is screaming at me like I'm an idiot about how to change a channel on the TV.[/sIZE] I finally snapped, set down the remote, and basically said f*ck it.[/sIZE] I told her I'd had enough of her abusive, irate tone and I was not interested in talking to her at all At first she commanded me to come back, in which I basically told her to f*ck off. Later, after she saw that I was extremely upset and not interested in talking she began what I call the "pity pitch".. She begins crying.. Begging me to talk... Then later, will say "I don't want to live anymore" and basically make me feel like a horrible person for getting upset with her. It ended in our baby crying, and us quickly making up for his sake.[/sIZE] It helped our son, but it did not help me. There is a horrible underlying problem here that is not getting resolved. It just gets worse.[/sIZE] I try and forget it, but it keeps rearing its ugly head.[/sIZE] [sIZE=2]The root of the issue:[/sIZE] [sIZE=2]It just seems to be all about her. If she's OK, everything's OK. If I sleep in on Saturday, I'm a jerk and I hear about it for a week (Even though I'm the only one working, not to mention making an attempt to clean the house). [/sIZE] [sIZE=2][/sIZE] [sIZE=2]I am never a good enough father either. I am constantly berated for not getting up with our child during the week. I have a documented sleeping disorder, in which I am required to get at least 7 hrs a night, and I warned her about this when she first learned she was pregnant. I have a mask and machine I have to hook up to every night just to get a decent night's sleep.///She on the other hand is not working, and has accepted the full time job of watching our child with full knowledge of the sleep she would be sacrificing.[/sIZE] [sIZE=2][/sIZE] [sIZE=2]I have told her multiple times that in order for me to keep my job, I must get sleep. Sleeping in one day of the week, and doing the lion's share of the chores, to me, is not being a selfish, neglectful father.[/sIZE] [sIZE=2][/sIZE] [sIZE=2]I am guilted about not being the dad she wants me to be. I'm compared to other fathers in her family. Other fathers she's heard about... She exalts herself as the star parent, and me as "her second kid" (her words, not mine).[/sIZE] [sIZE=2][/sIZE] [sIZE=2]This is the hard part: I do love her. I just don't think we belong together. It hurts me to even think of hurting her by leaving her. It hurts me and makes me feel sick to live with this at the same time. It's going to hurt bad either way.[/sIZE] [sIZE=2][/sIZE] [sIZE=2]Am I making a big mistake? Will I regret this later? Will my son hate me for this? Will I lose out on this one?[/sIZE] [sIZE=2][/sIZE] [sIZE=2]I'm very scared, but sometimes I think it may be more of a matter of growing a pair of stones than to just wondering..[/sIZE] [sIZE=2] [/sIZE] [sIZE=2][/sIZE] PS - Sorry for all of these [sIZE=2] things in here.. The format got messed up.
SingleDad Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 homey - I have read your earlier thread and this one... First - I've heard your point of view and it does sound aweful from your pov... similar to what I often felt about how I was treated by my wife after having a child 2 years ago... But what about her pov ? Have you really considered her feelings ? I am going to be hard on you - and you are not going to like what I say - but I think you need to hear it. Because I had your POV for some time and now my STBXW is divorcing me and all I want now is my family back together again - but I am not given this choice... you likely will not realize what you have until you have lost it. And I am also saying this because said you do truly love your wife and do not want to put her or your son through a divorce. Marriage is no longer about being your independent self... Then once there is a child, the dynamic changes drastically. Currently, it does not sound like you are ready to be married, or to be a parent, or even be in a relationship - noe of them are easy. Unfortunately, you alone made the decision to marry your wife. You conceived a child together. You now have responsibilities - it is no longer about you. You need to live up to them. For most couples today, men aren't limited to being the breadwinner and the woman to take care of the child and house (even if your wife doesn't work) Most wives expect the father to do a significant amount of parenting, despite how many hours you work... It does not matter who the wife is... none of them will let you be solely a breadwinner and not a father. You recent fight about the remote... likely happened because you needed to unwind after a hard day at work and just wanted some peace and quiet... Sorry, but chances are your stay at home wife hard a hard day with a screaming baby and just wants you to watch the baby so she can go to the bathroom or take a shower after being puked on. You need to communicate - kiss her hello and say just let me take off my suit and go to the bathroom and I'll take over in 5 minutes and give you a break. You are complaining about an XBOX - let it go - maybe use that time to take your much needed nap - or focus on your wife or child Not getting enough sleep - I have sleep amnea too - I wear a face mask and Cpap machine as well. That never stopped me from taking the 10pm to 4 am shift to feed my daughter, then getting up at 6 am to work a 10 hour day plus 3 more after putting my daughter to bed at night. Now is the time to step up to the plate and focus on your son's needs and give your W a break now and again... put yourself in her place to understand what she went through each day. I found it very difficult to understand what being a good father meant and how much is involved for the first couple of years - until she turned 2 year old. Now that I am solely responsible for my daughter 45% of the time, I understand how challenging it is to raise a child, and how much I really appreciate it now. It took until after my daughter was two years old to have a real connection with her, a real bonding.... Now knowing this I will truly miss my daughter not having a normal family dynamic with a mother, father and daughter doing things together as a family. Please don't throw it all away now... There is so much you have not yet experienced or understand about the importance of being a father.
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