gd26 Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 Hey.... I've been feeling out of sorts and kinda depressed lately, so I thought I'd turn to this forum for some support. A few months ago I met a wonderful man online (who is long-distance). He is kind, caring, successful, brilliant, and totally like me in a million ways. Neither he nor I have met anyone who was so much like one another, that it blew both of us away. He told me from the first week that he had a very good feeling about me, and that he was really interested and that after meeting me-- all the other women online don't seem interesting anymore. After one month we had totally hit it off, and he was calling me 4-5 times per week to chat, and we were talking for hours. However, since he is going through a divorce process right now, he said that we should focus on friendship for now (for ethical reasons), and see where things go between us after the divorce is finalized next year. So things were great until I started showing increasing interest. I started making comments like "Oh, I love talking to you so much!" I told him that I thought that he was really attractive, and he laughed over the phone and told me that I wasn't supposed to give him the benefit of knowing that. Things were still good and he continued to call me regularly. However, I did notice that he stopped trying as hard to impress me (although he was still very kind and nice). Well, I started getting a tad insecure, feeling that the enthusiasm was coming a bit more from me than from him (although he still continued to call me regularly). About a month after the start of our whirlwind communication I completely freaked out, realizing that he was calling or texting me 5+ times a week.... we had probably spent about 40-50 hours in the last month on each other. It's not that I didn't want it, I DID... but I got scared of my own feelings. I just started feeling a bit confused, because I knew I was falling for him HARD yet he had said that he wanted to be friends but was still calling me up and talking to me 4-5 times per week on the phone (our conversations would last on average between 1-3 hours each time). I told him that I was really scared, as it had only been 1 month, but I was feeling myself falling for him.... he seemed uncomfortable and said that we had agreed to focus on the friendship and not think about a relationship for now. Since I wasn't getting the reassurance from him that I needed, I told him that I needed time to sort out my thoughts and that I would contact him again in a few months after I got certain things in my life (academics etc) taken care of. He said that was fine. Well a few weeks later after not talking to him, I spoke to a woman at my gym (who I really admire) and she told me that she thought I was being silly to push away a great guy, saying that I wouldn't talk to him for a few months. She told me that I should contact him, as there was no reason not to talk to him. So I wrote him a few VERY long letters telling him that I thought he might be my soulmate as we have a billion things in common, but that he was giving me mixed messages (as he told me right in the beginning how interested in me he was, but then we started talking about friendship, etc etc). I told him to come visit me as well. He wrote me a kind letter back saying that he really admires me but doesn't think we would be compatible as a couple, but that he really only just wanted to be friends with me from the beginning. He declined my invitation to meet me, and said that we should probably take a few more months for me to move forward. He said he really enjoyed talking to me until things suddenly got this complicated between us, but that he hopes that in the future we can have more wonderful conversations like we used to have.... and that he'll get back to me later in the year. I don't really know what happened. His statement about how he wanted to be just friends from the beginning is not true, because he asked me the first week if we should take down our profiles and just focus on one another. So it's not true that he wasn't interested. I mean he did mention being friends 'for ethical reasons' but simultaneously told me he was interested... which was confusing to me (hence leading to the insecurity on my part from the mixed messages). When I met him, I was really confident and fun... but I think over the few weeks, I started getting a bit insecure, and I honestly think that is what scared him off. I feel very sad right now because I feel that I allowed my insecurity to push away a really great guy. He's not a jerk at all. He was wonderful. He just stopped being into me. I think I would still like to have him as a friend since we have so much in common. I honestly don't buy his idea that we aren't compatible (as we have more in common than any person either of us have come across)... I think my insecurity just freaked him out... even though he didn't say this directly, and was just nice to me. I emailed him again yesterday (a short note) apologizing for the long emails (telling him that I myself would be weirded out if some guy was writing me such long emails). I told him that I was really embarrassed for having written such long emails with my feelings, but that hopefully this short note would allow me to apologize for being insecure with him and allow me to move forward positively. I told him I'd honor his request to contact me later in the year by stepping back now.... I am struggling with coping. I feel so sad to have lost my potential soulmate (as I have met MANY guys in my life, and really thought that he was the one for me). The worst part was that I had an amazing guy totally interested in me, and that I pushed him away due to my own insecurity... I can't believe I did that, as he was SO into me before I started getting 'weird'. I feel embarrassed for having pored out my feelings to him. I still do hope to be his friend again at a later time, but I know I need to get over him first. Any suggestions about coping, or dealing with rejection, or trying to understand what happened and what I can learn from it (for future relationships) would be appreciated. Also, do you think it was just in my mind that he was interested in me at the beginning or that he really just wanted to be friends.... I wonder if a guy calls a woman 4-5 times a week for 1-3 hours each time, if he really only wants friendship...? Thanks!
Recommended Posts