Torn

[Els]

Please bear with me, because I'm extremely confused right now, and I don't quite know which is the right subforum to post this. I'm not even really sure if there actually was any cheating involved...

 

I have been with my bf for about 1.5 years now. The last several months were long-distance. For the most part, everything is good.. decent, at least. The main problem here is that he was never a talker... never the kind who could spend hours just talking to you. Even when we were on the phone, we could never really talk for very long, before he would start getting distracted by other things. He had plenty of interests, and devoted much time to them. I could not really fault him for this.. it was a healthy thing to do. But it left me lonely and yearning for a close friend.. certain events in my life had left me without one for the past few years already.

 

And then I found one. He was my bf's friend. We used to hang out a lot, all of us, IRL. But I never took much notice of him then, except as, well, one of our gang. He had a gf whom he was extremely devoted to, and he was the very silent, introverted type. More introverted than me, even... and I can count on one hand the number of people who qualify for that very difficult-to-attain achievment. I always had an.. intrigue, at least, for that strong, silent type, and I recall even having had a dream, many many months ago, involving him in a sexual manner. We barely spoke to each other then, and I had no other thoughts about him while awake, and that was a period of time in which I had sexual dreams about a few other guys as well.. so I just let it go, as a weird thing which happened but had no impact on my life.

 

So we talked, online (he is as far away from me as my bf is from me). We spent much more time together than I did with my bf, simply because he was always available to talk, whereas my bf had his many interests. At first I wished that it did not have to be this way, that it was my bf instead, who would spend hours talking to me, help me solve all my problems, play silly games at my whim. My bf knew how much time I was spending with him. Everything was open, no shady dealings. Yet, my bf... didn't seem to mind. Nothing changed.

 

We became closer, over the months. Some may scoff that it is possible to become closer online... but it is possible to me, especially if you already knew the person IRL. I had a purely online relationship once before too, so, in my personal opinion, what is said online, if sincere, is real and of impact to me. I began to suspect that he had feelings for me, and I must admit, I found myself confiding very much in him, looking forward to our conversations. He told me of his problems with his own long-term, long-distance gf (who lives in the same country as me)... problems that had lasted years, that he had tried so hard to fix, and how he was giving up, how he WOULD had given up had she not threatened him with suicide. I advised him as best as he could.. my advice always leant towards trying to fix things with his gf. I felt a strange pang everytime I had to tell him that, but it was unavoidable... it was the right thing to do.

 

All the while, everything was above-board, we were both unavailable. As close as we were, we had barriers we would not cross, and we made sure that we did not cross them. However, there is much that can be done subtly, as I see now. I discovered that he had the same, rather uncommon, sexual preferences as I. Now, the biggest worry that I had, when I got together with my bf, was about our differing sexual preferences and libido. I wondered, if I was ready to spend a lifetime never experiencing such sex as I'd always dreamt of. I'd just come out, however, of a relationship which was based AROUND good sex and nothing else, and it'd been a nightmare. So I convinced myself, that I had matured, that sexual matters were not all that mattered, that if I really felt in need I could just masturbate, and it would be solved. Why throw away someone whom you connected with intellectually and emotionally, for a mere orgasm?

 

Today, however, I had a conversation on voice with the other guy. He was drunk, and he began revealling everything that I had had niggling suspicions about, but could not really know for sure. He yearned for me, even though he would never dream of taking me away from my bf, his friend. I then realized the dilemma I was in.

 

I had a decent relationship.. no sexual sparks, there was never that... and not much spark left at all, in fact. But it'd been so long.. surely all relationships lose their spark after some time? Don't most guys stop putting in effort after so long? I still had that warm fuzzy feeling whenever I spoke with my bf, or reminisced about old times that we had when he was here... and of course there was that connection. But I wonder.. is it just because he was the only real relationship that I'd ever had IRL? Is it him I'm missing, or is it the only relationship I'd ever known? He's a good guy, definitely, one who would never cheat on me or abuse me or intentionally bring me grief...

 

On the other hand.. this other guy... I know, all of us in our group know, that he is the type who would still put his best into a relationship, many years down the line, based on observing what he does for his gf. And there are sparks, sparks I never had with my bf, sparks that I always dismissed simply because I thought it not possible. But is that just what it is, an infatuation, due to my jadedness with my current relationship? Yet, I never thought I'd find someone with my sexual preferences, whom I ALSO connected with intellectually (I would not know about emotionally, never had the chance to snuggle up and whisper sweet nothings IRL).

 

To complicate matters, there is nothing that I can do now, even if I wished to do anything. His gf means business when she threatens suicide, and I could never be the one to instigate them to break up, even though he'd already said that he had nothing left for her. That he was only in it because being so far away, he could not prevent her from doing anything stupid. That he intended to break up for real when he got back to our country. For what it's worth, I believe him.. I at least believe that that is what he really feels now, although it still remains doubtful whether or not he would be ABLE to. But I believe him when he says that he wishes he could.

 

Also, to complicate matters FURTHER, when I really think about it, there are very severe technical difficulties with just giving him 'a try'. I could not do that until he was back in my country, even if I should decide to do so. And he was from a different PART of my country. My bf is, too, but having had our time together when we were in the same college, that isn't such a big deal anymore. To even try, this other guy would have to make visits to my part.

 

I'm so confused. In fact, I don't even know what I want from this post. I'm hoping that anyone with similar experiences or opinions on anything would share, I guess. I wish I had someone to speak to about this. But my only two close friends are actually involved in this. I have no close female friends.. it's something I always regretted, but never been able to do anything about.

[Bryanp]

You should discuss this with your boyfriend. It is very unfair to him. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want your boyfriend to be honest and upfront with you about his desire for another woman?

[imagine]

You are in a LDR with your bf

 

You are having an emotional affair(EA) with his friend who is in a committed relationship.

 

You have crossed boundaries now. Stop.

[Amiss]

You are a very confused woman at the moment. You need to be honest with yourself before deciding what to do. Are you sure you want your boyfriend's friend? Or are you stuck in a miserable relationship and looking for a way out?

Different sex drives can be solved if both parties are willing to compromise but you mention so many problems and bad feelings about your boyfriend that I think you need to tell him it is over . You are having an emotional affair with his best friend and it will only get harder the longer you leave it

[Els]

Yes, I certainly do intend to talk to him about it. Most of the issues here I've already raised with him actually, at one time or another, to no avail.

 

However, unfortunately most of my questions still go unanswered. Opinions on the other things and aspects I've listed, such as whether one is an infatuation, or if I'm missing my bf or just the relationship he stood for, etc, will be much appreciated.