leftyright1 Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 just curious - has anyone ever succeeded in getting their ex back after contacting their ex within 30 days after their break up? i guess those people might not be checking in here if they were back w/ their ex, but i'm really curious. i was given the boot last week. she said she couldn't be with me 'right now'. reasons given were b/c she felt disconnected towards me, certain things were bothering her (i had been working way too much (tough to see when you are in the throws of it), and she thought perhaps we weren't right for each other (toughest one to fix obviously). i hadn't yet expressed my feelings for her (no i love you after 9 months, i honestly did love her but didn't say it -- until she brought up that there were problems 2 weeks ago). I had only been in 2 other long term > 6 month relationships, and i guess i was kinda not good at expressing how important she was to me and moving to that next stage of closeness. i really made an effort to show her this when she first voiced there were problems... but she said she wasn't ready to receive this kind of affection after she had kind of tried to make herself stopped caring as much due to my previous pattern of behavior. i never cheated on her and in general we seemed very happy together. she said she felt like i was 'the one' for the first several months but then became unsure. i want nothing more than to show her how much i love her. i recognize i became a little nonchalant but i was also dealing with some other big things in my life the past 3 - 4 months. b/c one of the main issues was i wasn't making attempts to become closer emotionally, does no contact still apply? if so, for how long? or would it be better for her to see i truly did love her and reach out from time to time to see how she is? i'm heartbroken and so angry with myself for not doing everything i could for her the past few months of our relationship. i don't know if i'll ever forgive myself if she moves on as i think i would want to propse to this girl at some point in the future. thanks so much in advance
shadowplay Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 Yes, it's worked for me several times. In one case I had limited contact for a few months, and then tried again. In the others it was usually immediate, more persisent contact. I don't believe no contact usually works if you're trying to get your ex back. It's better for people who just want to get over someone. But of course there are no guarantees. That said I wouldn't recommend breaking no contact because even if you succeed in winning her over your relationship will probably not last for the same reasons you broke up to begin with.
babes23 Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 To be honest i don't think that's the way to go about things, sure give her a few days or so to get her thoughts together, but if you want her back then why leave it for 30 days? That's just cruel in my opinion.....
sultry33 Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 That said I wouldn't recommend breaking no contact because even if you succeed in winning her over your relationship will probably not last for the same reasons you broke up to begin with. this is probably the only reason i would not contact my ex.. as yes i totally agree.. wish it was not so but it is.. i think about him every day but i wont break no contact its helping me heal but not get over him, i think deep down i never will.. op.. take a bit of time but not 30days.. seems long imo
Simon Leon Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I think you need to be flexible on how you go with this. I never really planned on going totally NC...because I don't think I was strong enough, but I did totally change the way I comunicated with her. Keep everything short, sweet and respectful. I stopped putting "Love Simon" at the bottom of my e-mails...just started putting "Thanks Simon". I decided to talk to her about how I really felt ...just to make sure she was clear with my feelings....then after that I haven't brought it up again. We have been on 2 kinda dates since about 10 days apart with virtually no communication between. I try to make sure they are fun and kinda memorable. Stuff we didn't really do when we were married. There is absolutely no talk of seperation, divorce, relationships...or anything negitive. I am trying to put my best foot forward and trying to be charming. Don't just take a step back from the situation....take 2 steps back and see what happens. If what you are doing isn't working....try the complete opposite. The big thing is no pressure, no "I love you's", don't try to reason with her, don't argue or complain. In every e-mail, telephone conversation and meeting, I made sure I came across as happy and relaxed, was agreeable and kept the conversations light and friendly. Absolutly no talk of the breakup/seperation. Make sure you have some fun things going on that you can talk about. If you don't ....best you go out and start getting busy. You need to have some new stuff going on to get her interested in you again. For me...it looks like it might be showing some results. I was plesently suprised this week when she called me, then e-mailed me, then invited me out to dinner later this week. One other thing I started doing was kinda flurting with some of the girls at work. I'm not the least bit interested in them...but it gets you back into the habbit of turning on the charm and making intersting small talk.
HeatherAngel Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I'm nearing the end of the requested (not by me) period of no contact of the month of July. It's killing me. It got a lot (a LOT!) harder as the time ticked on, NOT easier. Watch this space.
JustinWolf Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I heard a lot of stories where the girl broke up with the guy but the guy came back running the next day and telling his true feelings and the girl took him back. Every case is different, every experience is learnable though.
nopainnogain Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I heard a lot of stories where the girl broke up with the guy but the guy came back running the next day and telling his true feelings and the girl took him back. . Out of guilt
nopainnogain Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 But the guy came running back . If she came to him it would be out of love,but since he begged I believe it was out of guilt
Author leftyright1 Posted July 30, 2008 Author Posted July 30, 2008 in this case it really would be out of love. i'm so conflicted since she did the break up, which means obviously she felt strongly enough that she didn't want to be w/ me, but a lot of reasons for it (at least ones shes communicating to me) are b/c of a lack of closeness. i read somewhere if the attraction level was high enough, she wouldn't have broken up with me and would have been willing to work on things. I guess its hard to know really where her head is and maybe a light call to check in would gauge this (based on her reaction). its been 8 days NC by the way.
HopeDiesLast Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 think about it this way lefty- wouldnt u be annoyed if you wanted to end it, that was your decision and someone was asking you questions? i know it hurts, i just got dumped two months ago and its been 18 days nc....but if you want her back, she needs to come to the conclusion on her own. SHE did this, and so the ball is in her court now. only she can decide if she wants to try again. you've told her how you feel now, right? if not, maybe you should call her. but if you have....leave it up to her.
HeatherAngel Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Why does NC have to be 30 days? What does that achieve?? As asked in the OP - success breaking NC within 30 days... what IS this magical 30 days? Am I missing something?
Author leftyright1 Posted July 30, 2008 Author Posted July 30, 2008 yes, i did tell her how i felt - but it was late in the game and only really when she brought up there where problems 2 weeks ago. I reiterated that I loved her and that i wanted to be with her when she broke the news of needing to break up 'right now'. BUT... she may not sure if i was just saying it so she wouldn't leave or if i truly meant it. of course in hindsight i am kicking myself for not sharing more of my feelings w/ her earlier when we were together. i was caught in a really bad work situation and i know i was tuning her out from time to time. plus i'm just bad in general at sharing my feelings, obviously something i need to work at. As for why "30 days" - i just kind of got that # from the brian caniglia book - "get your ex back".... don't know how valid his claim of 30 days is - i assume its just an arbitrary #.
sultry33 Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 i did one of those "how to get your ex back" online things.. stage 1... no contact.. no emailing, phone, texts, ims.. nothing.. been 3 months since i had stage one!! so i guess its still no contact they advise lol... often wondered where my advice email 2 was... just shows everything happens for a reason eh
Author leftyright1 Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 i decided against a call for now. i did a gut check and realized i wasn't ready yet to speak with her and figured the only thing that could come out of it was me feeling bad. going to wait a few days and reassess.
ImLost07 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 I think no contact is the best way to go. Both times Ive broken up with a long term significant other, We didnt talk for a whole year.. I think its best because you can clear your head, see the relationship for what it was, and decide if its somebody you want back, also you will get the opportunity to get your **** together so you CAN be the one for them.
Author leftyright1 Posted August 4, 2008 Author Posted August 4, 2008 im lost - did you want to get the person back? i assume if you didn't contact them for 1 year, you were not making any attempts to try and get back together w/ them? i agree - posting here and reading posts helps. its easy to lose perspective and realize that these situations are very common and happen all the time. one thing that is a fine line though is coming out here too much - its easy to become engrossed in the boards and it makes me think of her even more obviously when i am out here. its probably just finding that balance... but of course any opinions people have are soooo helpful.
Author leftyright1 Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 so i was chatting w/ females who go out with my friends. basically gave them the same info as whats in this thread. two of them felt like 2 weeks was plenty of time to give her space and that girls will sometimes "test" you to see if you will call or they actually expect that the guy would initiate contact -- even though she was the one deciding to break up... Girls - any thoughts on this???? now i'm really confused.
sultry33 Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 so i was chatting w/ females who go out with my friends. basically gave them the same info as whats in this thread. two of them felt like 2 weeks was plenty of time to give her space and that girls will sometimes "test" you to see if you will call or they actually expect that the guy would initiate contact -- even though she was the one deciding to break up... Girls - any thoughts on this???? now i'm really confused. do you feel like its a test? why rush contact .. imo 2 weeks can seem life a lifetime when you want to hear from someone... but if you are busy in your life 2 weeks flys past your call really.. hope you decide which is best:)
carrot10 Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 Lefty, This is my story almost to a T!! I broke it off with my bf for the exact same reasons. It just happened. Logically, I don't want him to call me until more time has passed. In my heart, I wish he would drive over here and tell me (for once) that he loved me. Only you know how you feel. If you KNOW you are in love with her-tell her, show her. 2 weeks is long enough for a realization to hit someone. If you are still unsure, then keep NC. She broke up with you because she felt you didn't love her not because she didn't love you.
selena_cat Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 so i was chatting w/ females who go out with my friends. basically gave them the same info as whats in this thread. two of them felt like 2 weeks was plenty of time to give her space and that girls will sometimes "test" you to see if you will call or they actually expect that the guy would initiate contact -- even though she was the one deciding to break up... Girls - any thoughts on this???? now i'm really confused. well since you need more girly advice,'i 've always heard break leads to a breakup, and in many cases,including mines true, i read alot on this situation when someone says "i need space" more often than not they may want to start dating others or is thinking about it. i read here when people says 30 days of NC,how about more than 30 days? my thing is the person who did the breaking up probably and most likely though tof this way in advance,but they didnt tell you then so they are telling you now. She knows where you are if she wants to contact you but you need to take it slow. calling pleading txting now is her after she told you she wants a break or breakup is going to push her further away. is she cant appreciate you then she needs to feel the loss, its hard but really, many people dont see this, if someone ask for space, GIVE IT tO Them,DIssapear! give them what they want and more of it if the person you love cant see the full value of you,then get going,its hard and i feel for you, it took me months to realize this, most importantly you also have to see the value of yourself also or you will allow yourself to be taken advantage of again. just my two girly cents.
Author leftyright1 Posted August 12, 2008 Author Posted August 12, 2008 i had already told her i loved her before she decided to break it off. i decided last week to call (it had been 2 weeks) - to check in to see how she was doing. with time to think (agonize !%@%^@) over it, i realize some of the things that i maybe didn't do right -- but they all seem like things that would have been able to be worked on by me (if i knew they were an issue at the time, which i didn't). i wasn't going to bring these things up, but simply talk with her when i called. its been 1 week since i called and i haven't heard from her. to me, that means that there were likely other things causing her to break up w/ me other than the things that have made me guilty all this time and its her way of saying 'move on'. her little speech about her needing time and citing things i did wrong was likely a bunch of bs. if she can't even pick up the phone to chat, then i feel like i have no other choice than to completely move on. as much as i want her back, i now also have some hatred towards her for making me feel like a fool. she'll have a place in my heart for a while, but i simply have to find a way to ignore this i guess. i would obviously try to get her back if i could, but i feel powerless to do so. i hate this.
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