Can't stop thinking about the affair (long post)

[Musiclife]

Hello everyone,

 

This is my first time going here, just kind of did a random search on how to get over an affair, but I need a bit of personal attention.

 

A little background, my wife and I have been married for 3 years. I was a horrible boyfriend out to go after my dreams and build a life with my now current wife. She wanted to get married early but I was under the guise that a man needs to have something built before he can embark upon marriage ie good credit, apartment/house, stable job/career. She spent 3 years talking me into actually building it all together. When we got married, I was a bit hesitant because I was scared that I wouldn't be a good husband. What made me a horrible boyfriend is because she constantly had to chase me for the 3 years because I was always out trying to build something for the majority of the 3 years. We'd been friends for 7 years before we even got together as of today, I've known her for 13 years.

 

When we got married, the first year was hard, but it was good, I slowly began to get used to the idea that even though we have nothing, it's ok. Until we began to talk about a baby. It was at that point where I realized that we still don't have anything and she wanted a baby, I didn't, but I wasn't very vocal about it.

 

During our marriage she still had to chase me somewhat although I was feeling a bit smothered which in turn made me a little reluctant because I wasn't used to dedicating 8 hours working and the other 16 hours -having- to be spent next to someone, I wanted/needed a little time for myself every now and then, but when I did have that time, I felt bad about it.

 

On with the story, sorry for the linger.

 

After we had discussed having a baby, I fell in a moderate depression because thoughts arose that I may not be a good father, I'm barely a good husband and I wasn't sure if I was the man for her. Well after about 2 weeks of seeing me depressed she asked the question and was persistant to find out what was wrong with me. We had a long talk in which she claimed to be "as friends" and we laid it all out. I told her how I felt and she told me how when I come home sometimes, she still felt alone.

 

After hearing this, I was thinking "hmm, maybe it would be better if we were just friends" we both started talking about how everything was good and if we split, we would still be good friends. The next day, she called at work feeling a bit indifferent. She asked again if we should split and I thought I was being strong by saying yes. Thus began the hardest months in my life. When I got home she told me how she stayed up crying and couldn't believe what we talked about, I thought about it more and decided that ok, despite what we talked about it's out there, lets work on it.

 

The damage was done, she began to look at me differently, and grew more and more distant. I noticed she was getting close to another guy at work who was having problems with his wife and they met a common ground at bonding to being with someone who doesn't want you..me personally I think he was filling his head up. Now my wife is a very strong person, she used to tell me how she despised cheaters and we used to argue about not even getting yourself in situations like this.

 

3 weeks passed and she came to me telling me how she felt as if she cheated, which was very strong for her to have a stronger bond with someone who isn't her husband. She almost kissed him and that was horrible to her, she cried and confessed her eyes out.

 

1 week later, she tells me that she's pregnant.

 

She's still with him in mind and I'm trying everything I can possible feeling like it's my fault that she distanced herself from me because I told her what I told her, we went on 2 vacations for some alone time, I cooked for her, took her out and payed all this attention to her.

 

3 months later, we talked and we aired everything out again, I told her how I felt and how she should stop conversing with the guy and she felt that it should come natural so we can move on. I agreed simply because forbidden fruit tastes the best. If I forbid her from seeing him, that would make them want to sneak around. If I went and tried to fight them, that could kill the relationship. She told me that she cheated in which to me was the simple fact that she almost kissed him.

 

Her job got wind of them getting personal through e-mails to each other and whatnot and they both lost their jobs due to misconduct, during this my wife called me to have her phone number changed to keep him from calling as well as distance her other co-workers from her as well. He turned out to be coward to her not taking responsibility for what happened.

 

Our baby's first ultrasound came up and that's what snapped her back, she was back to normal again and showing affection to me again. We grew stronger in our relationship as well as bonded very heavily through the remainder of her pregnancy.

 

So our baby is born and about 3 months old when we started talking about it again when it was set in stone that when she told me she cheated, she actually had sex with him, at work, on his desk...........after we had come so far that smashed me completely.

 

After talking about it, she told me things like being with him made her realize that I was all she needed, the sex was horrible and it happened so fast that when it happened, she didn't know it started and during, she was grossed out by him. I made her tell me exactly how it all happened, who initiated and all the specifics, needless to say that made me feel a little bit better and we talked our way through it. Decided that we would stay together and continue to grow after I decided to forgive her of her mistake that happened a year ago.

 

To this day, when I'm not with her, I spend the entire day wondering how could she have opened her legs to another man, regardless of her not enjoying it a part of me wants nothing to do with her anymore, but she is an amazing woman and an even more amazing mom, and when I'm with her, we are completely into one another. I know she feels bad about what happened and has pledged to spend the rest of her life making it up to me, but still.........I can't get over it, any advise?

 

Thanks, and again, I saw a lot of posts with OM and other acronyms but I fear I don't know how to use them properly.

 

~mL

[Bryanp]

She is an amazing woman all right but not in the positive sense. You need to get a paternity test on the baby. I guarantee you that you probably do not have the whole story.

[Musiclife]

That's one thing I forgot to include, she was already pregnant before our talk but of course you can't find out until 5 weeks or after before test results. It's my baby no doubt about it. She has a lot of my features.

[Untouchable_Fire]

To this day, when I'm not with her, I spend the entire day wondering how could she have opened her legs to another man, regardless of her not enjoying it a part of me wants nothing to do with her anymore, but she is an amazing woman and an even more amazing mom, and when I'm with her, we are completely into one another. I know she feels bad about what happened and has pledged to spend the rest of her life making it up to me, but still.........I can't get over it, any advise?

 

I'm so glad that you have decided this is all your fault! Otherwise you might have to think about what kind of woman your married to.

 

Your wife would not be with you today if the other guy had wanted a relationship with her! Don't be a fool!

 

That's one thing I forgot to include, she was already pregnant before our talk but of course you can't find out until 5 weeks or after before test results. It's my baby no doubt about it. She has a lot of my features.

 

Don't be a chump! She could have had a relationship going with this guy way before you had your "talk". Plus if you believe her crap story about sex only once, and it being bad... your a double idiot.

 

Actually that's why your here... deep down you know she is full of crap.

 

Paternity test that kid! Your an idiot if you don't!

[Agent_99]

Look within yourself, Do you think you can let it go? Is it just matter of time or will it always be there underneath everything?

 

No matter what happened between her and the other man, she is with you. That DOES say something. It just figuring out what.

 

Her cheating was not your fault, no matter how little attention you paid her. I have cheated before and it IS a conscious choice, there is a moment before anything really happens where you know that you either stop it right there or keep going.

 

She seems to have issues with boundaries in relationships, there is no reason that you two should spend ALL of your spare time together.

 

Maybe the advice that I can offer is for her to get some individualcounseling. It seems that she has some trouble being completly honest with you. And if you really want to work on your marriage, maybe marriage counseling. I know there are some sites online with information on how to move past an affair. But there are others here with more info on that.

 

And I'm sorry but I do agree with others, get a paternity test. You have seen that she has problems coming clean, so the timing of her 'cheat' may have been different from what she says.

~99

[Tomcat33]

I'm sorry but I am confused, you admit that you deliberately pushed her away all those first years of marriage, that you could not handle being around her so much (work/homelife), that you we secretly against having a baby...and yet the assumption is that you pushed her over the edge when you told her you wanted to split up? I think the damage was done far before that ML.

 

Why did you not ever communicate to her that you were feeling all these things about where your marriage stood and what goals you had in mind for yourself? I am not blaming you for cheating, it is 100% her doing, but to think that she cheated because you told her "let's split up" and to neglect what actually lead up to that, that made you WANT to say those words to her, is to omit just how much you both had let your relationship fail before the affair even happened.

 

 

Unless I misread something or you just didn't express all the information, given what you have expressed here it appears you both had a terrible time with emotional intimacy and communication.

[Shellz]

Hello everyone,

 

This is my first time going here, just kind of did a random search on how to get over an affair, but I need a bit of personal attention.

 

A little background, my wife and I have been married for 3 years. I was a horrible boyfriend out to go after my dreams and build a life with my now current wife. She wanted to get married early but I was under the guise that a man needs to have something built before he can embark upon marriage ie good credit, apartment/house, stable job/career. She spent 3 years talking me into actually building it all together. When we got married, I was a bit hesitant because I was scared that I wouldn't be a good husband. What made me a horrible boyfriend is because she constantly had to chase me for the 3 years because I was always out trying to build something for the majority of the 3 years. We'd been friends for 7 years before we even got together as of today, I've known her for 13 years.

 

When we got married, the first year was hard, but it was good, I slowly began to get used to the idea that even though we have nothing, it's ok. Until we began to talk about a baby. It was at that point where I realized that we still don't have anything and she wanted a baby, I didn't, but I wasn't very vocal about it.

 

During our marriage she still had to chase me somewhat although I was feeling a bit smothered which in turn made me a little reluctant because I wasn't used to dedicating 8 hours working and the other 16 hours -having- to be spent next to someone, I wanted/needed a little time for myself every now and then, but when I did have that time, I felt bad about it.

 

On with the story, sorry for the linger.

 

After we had discussed having a baby, I fell in a moderate depression because thoughts arose that I may not be a good father, I'm barely a good husband and I wasn't sure if I was the man for her. Well after about 2 weeks of seeing me depressed she asked the question and was persistant to find out what was wrong with me. We had a long talk in which she claimed to be "as friends" and we laid it all out. I told her how I felt and she told me how when I come home sometimes, she still felt alone.

 

After hearing this, I was thinking "hmm, maybe it would be better if we were just friends" we both started talking about how everything was good and if we split, we would still be good friends. The next day, she called at work feeling a bit indifferent. She asked again if we should split and I thought I was being strong by saying yes. Thus began the hardest months in my life. When I got home she told me how she stayed up crying and couldn't believe what we talked about, I thought about it more and decided that ok, despite what we talked about it's out there, lets work on it.

 

The damage was done, she began to look at me differently, and grew more and more distant. I noticed she was getting close to another guy at work who was having problems with his wife and they met a common ground at bonding to being with someone who doesn't want you..me personally I think he was filling his head up. Now my wife is a very strong person, she used to tell me how she despised cheaters and we used to argue about not even getting yourself in situations like this.

 

3 weeks passed and she came to me telling me how she felt as if she cheated, which was very strong for her to have a stronger bond with someone who isn't her husband. She almost kissed him and that was horrible to her, she cried and confessed her eyes out.

 

1 week later, she tells me that she's pregnant.

 

She's still with him in mind and I'm trying everything I can possible feeling like it's my fault that she distanced herself from me because I told her what I told her, we went on 2 vacations for some alone time, I cooked for her, took her out and payed all this attention to her.

 

3 months later, we talked and we aired everything out again, I told her how I felt and how she should stop conversing with the guy and she felt that it should come natural so we can move on. I agreed simply because forbidden fruit tastes the best. If I forbid her from seeing him, that would make them want to sneak around. If I went and tried to fight them, that could kill the relationship. She told me that she cheated in which to me was the simple fact that she almost kissed him.

 

Her job got wind of them getting personal through e-mails to each other and whatnot and they both lost their jobs due to misconduct, during this my wife called me to have her phone number changed to keep him from calling as well as distance her other co-workers from her as well. He turned out to be coward to her not taking responsibility for what happened.

 

Our baby's first ultrasound came up and that's what snapped her back, she was back to normal again and showing affection to me again. We grew stronger in our relationship as well as bonded very heavily through the remainder of her pregnancy.

 

So our baby is born and about 3 months old when we started talking about it again when it was set in stone that when she told me she cheated, she actually had sex with him, at work, on his desk...........after we had come so far that smashed me completely.

 

After talking about it, she told me things like being with him made her realize that I was all she needed, the sex was horrible and it happened so fast that when it happened, she didn't know it started and during, she was grossed out by him. I made her tell me exactly how it all happened, who initiated and all the specifics, needless to say that made me feel a little bit better and we talked our way through it. Decided that we would stay together and continue to grow after I decided to forgive her of her mistake that happened a year ago.

 

To this day, when I'm not with her, I spend the entire day wondering how could she have opened her legs to another man, regardless of her not enjoying it a part of me wants nothing to do with her anymore, but she is an amazing woman and an even more amazing mom, and when I'm with her, we are completely into one another. I know she feels bad about what happened and has pledged to spend the rest of her life making it up to me, but still.........I can't get over it, any advise?

 

Thanks, and again, I saw a lot of posts with OM and other acronyms but I fear I don't know how to use them properly.

 

~mL

 

The main point here is that the sex WAS NOT horrible, it was incredible. She is telling you that she was grossed out to make you feel better. I am not trying to hurt you, but if she felt that passion, she was not grossed out unless this is an isolated incident. That is a total lie & don't believe it for a second. If a woman does not get the emotional stimulation they are looking for, they will look to another man who will not only give them that, but also the physical attention. If you are truly a changed man, then you could have a chance. But once a woman has that attention from someone else, that is all she is going to think about. It will take a very long time to get that out of the mind. I know, b/c I am in the same boat (or similar to your wife). I guarantee you that she is thinking about him every waking moment.

[cherrymoon]

I have read your thread and the other posts and to be honest I disagree with nearly everyone.

 

Affairs happen for a number of reasons. I had an affair, I am not in the slightest bit proud. i say it out loud as i cannot hide it or pretend it didn't happen.

 

You pushed your wife away. She lost respect and confidence for you he stepped in and that is that.

There is absolutely no reason why it couldn't be a once off, a real and true mistake. Unless you were there you will never ever know.

You two have a beautiful little baby, you love her and you have every reason to make this marriage work.

She did what she did because she was in a lost and lonely place and he was providing her with something she wasn't getting from you. The sex is something that follows. With men it is usually the sex that they are after.

Let me put it this way.

In my own circumstances. I was not looking for a lover. I was at a loss, exhausted and a shell of myself. I believe I was having a breakdown. So there i am a mess and i mean a mess, this middle aged unattractive married man offered me support (we met through work, I am a cliche). He was really good at organising and sorting problems. My H and I were in the middle of a nightmare house move and we were losing money fast, My h was burrying his head as he always did and i was at snapping point. Om was truly a fountain of solid helpful advice.

 

So Older man knew I was a mess (i was his second affair) he admits he only humoured me so he could get me into bed. He played me, a strong supposedly intelligent women.

The sex was shockingly bad, like the worst.

I see him now and I am repulsed. I never have pointed him out to people who know because oh my god, My husband is stunning a truly handsome man and her am I bedding a bald, old, toothless man who can't even sexually furfil me. He had the best sex ever. For me it was pathetic and clumsy. Why did I do it? I didn't want him for sex I needed the emotional attachment he said all the right things, he was a fixer, I felt safe with him.

I was not the person I am now or was prior to the affair.

 

I do believe that a person can do something so stupid.

I would like to say your wife is telling you the truth. There is always an exception to every rule. I hope she is being truthful.

You need to let this pass over you. You need to focus on all the amazing things your wife is. You need to see beyond the affair and find the lady you love and the mother of your child.

 

Best of luck

[hot123]

Hello everyone,

 

This is my first time going here, just kind of did a random search on how to get over an affair, but I need a bit of personal attention.

 

A little background, my wife and I have been married for 3 years. I was a horrible boyfriend out to go after my dreams and build a life with my now current wife. She wanted to get married early but I was under the guise that a man needs to have something built before he can embark upon marriage ie good credit, apartment/house, stable job/career. She spent 3 years talking me into actually building it all together. When we got married, I was a bit hesitant because I was scared that I wouldn't be a good husband. What made me a horrible boyfriend is because she constantly had to chase me for the 3 years because I was always out trying to build something for the majority of the 3 years. We'd been friends for 7 years before we even got together as of today, I've known her for 13 years.

 

When we got married, the first year was hard, but it was good, I slowly began to get used to the idea that even though we have nothing, it's ok. Until we began to talk about a baby. It was at that point where I realized that we still don't have anything and she wanted a baby, I didn't, but I wasn't very vocal about it.

 

During our marriage she still had to chase me somewhat although I was feeling a bit smothered which in turn made me a little reluctant because I wasn't used to dedicating 8 hours working and the other 16 hours -having- to be spent next to someone, I wanted/needed a little time for myself every now and then, but when I did have that time, I felt bad about it.

 

On with the story, sorry for the linger.

 

After we had discussed having a baby, I fell in a moderate depression because thoughts arose that I may not be a good father, I'm barely a good husband and I wasn't sure if I was the man for her. Well after about 2 weeks of seeing me depressed she asked the question and was persistant to find out what was wrong with me. We had a long talk in which she claimed to be "as friends" and we laid it all out. I told her how I felt and she told me how when I come home sometimes, she still felt alone.

 

After hearing this, I was thinking "hmm, maybe it would be better if we were just friends" we both started talking about how everything was good and if we split, we would still be good friends. The next day, she called at work feeling a bit indifferent. She asked again if we should split and I thought I was being strong by saying yes. Thus began the hardest months in my life. When I got home she told me how she stayed up crying and couldn't believe what we talked about, I thought about it more and decided that ok, despite what we talked about it's out there, lets work on it.

 

The damage was done, she began to look at me differently, and grew more and more distant. I noticed she was getting close to another guy at work who was having problems with his wife and they met a common ground at bonding to being with someone who doesn't want you..me personally I think he was filling his head up. Now my wife is a very strong person, she used to tell me how she despised cheaters and we used to argue about not even getting yourself in situations like this.

 

3 weeks passed and she came to me telling me how she felt as if she cheated, which was very strong for her to have a stronger bond with someone who isn't her husband. She almost kissed him and that was horrible to her, she cried and confessed her eyes out.

 

1 week later, she tells me that she's pregnant.

 

She's still with him in mind and I'm trying everything I can possible feeling like it's my fault that she distanced herself from me because I told her what I told her, we went on 2 vacations for some alone time, I cooked for her, took her out and payed all this attention to her.

 

3 months later, we talked and we aired everything out again, I told her how I felt and how she should stop conversing with the guy and she felt that it should come natural so we can move on. I agreed simply because forbidden fruit tastes the best. If I forbid her from seeing him, that would make them want to sneak around. If I went and tried to fight them, that could kill the relationship. She told me that she cheated in which to me was the simple fact that she almost kissed him.

 

Her job got wind of them getting personal through e-mails to each other and whatnot and they both lost their jobs due to misconduct, during this my wife called me to have her phone number changed to keep him from calling as well as distance her other co-workers from her as well. He turned out to be coward to her not taking responsibility for what happened.

 

Our baby's first ultrasound came up and that's what snapped her back, she was back to normal again and showing affection to me again. We grew stronger in our relationship as well as bonded very heavily through the remainder of her pregnancy.

 

So our baby is born and about 3 months old when we started talking about it again when it was set in stone that when she told me she cheated, she actually had sex with him, at work, on his desk...........after we had come so far that smashed me completely.

 

After talking about it, she told me things like being with him made her realize that I was all she needed, the sex was horrible and it happened so fast that when it happened, she didn't know it started and during, she was grossed out by him. I made her tell me exactly how it all happened, who initiated and all the specifics, needless to say that made me feel a little bit better and we talked our way through it. Decided that we would stay together and continue to grow after I decided to forgive her of her mistake that happened a year ago.

 

To this day, when I'm not with her, I spend the entire day wondering how could she have opened her legs to another man, regardless of her not enjoying it a part of me wants nothing to do with her anymore, but she is an amazing woman and an even more amazing mom, and when I'm with her, we are completely into one another. I know she feels bad about what happened and has pledged to spend the rest of her life making it up to me, but still.........I can't get over it, any advise?

 

Thanks, and again, I saw a lot of posts with OM and other acronyms but I fear I don't know how to use them properly.

 

~mL

Please tell me there are more naive men like you out there...if you dont get a blood test you are seriously beyond foolish.

[theobserver]

I'll save you some time friend.

 

Baby isn't yours.

Sex with the other man was great.

She's settled for you and hopes you'll be the babies daddy after the otherman didn't step up.

 

It's hard and it's rough but you're being played because she needs a man around while she cares for the baby.As soon as it can walk she's going to be looking around for another man.

[cherrymoon]

ML,

Don't listen to that nonsense. No one knows anything here. No one can tell you that child isn't yours or what your wife is going to do. Bitter people who only see the world through all their hurt certainly cannot predict the future or patenity tests.

 

You asked for advise you want to get past this. That is what you asked. You didn't ask for their bitter blind opinions.

This keeps happening at the moment people in your situation asking for help are being slaughtered for no reason other than trying to fix their marriages.

 

I don't know how you will get past it except by embracing the good and accepting that this happened.

Is she sorry has she tried to make amends?

The past is in the past and not everyone who cheats cheats again no matter what people tell you.

 

Nothing can justify or excuse the affair. you decide what you want and you and she make it happen. Try counselling

[hot123]

ML,

Don't listen to that nonsense. No one knows anything here. No one can tell you that child isn't yours or what your wife is going to do. Bitter people who only see the world through all their hurt certainly cannot predict the future or patenity tests.

 

You asked for advise you want to get past this. That is what you asked. You didn't ask for their bitter blind opinions.

This keeps happening at the moment people in your situation asking for help are being slaughtered for no reason other than trying to fix their marriages.

 

I don't know how you will get past it except by embracing the good and accepting that this happened.

Is she sorry has she tried to make amends?

The past is in the past and not everyone who cheats cheats again no matter what people tell you.

 

Nothing can justify or excuse the affair. you decide what you want and you and she make it happen. Try counselling

Mine was neither a bitter or blind opinion fyi...he presented his story and i based on his story gave honest advice ...it is foolish to not have a blood test as it does sound like the other guy dumped her and now she needed to really quick find someone to pin it on...sorry im real ...never going to be all rainbows and butterflies and be the type to blow smoke up someones a#@ if thats your thing by all means give everyone a great big hug as for me ...i call em how i see em...

[merlin2]

I have taken what I believe to be true from your post.

You have actually taken the time to refelct on the past and your relationship.You have admitted to your own part in the relationship breaking down.That says something.The fact your lady came back to you despite that shows her love for you.You CAN work this out.

What you have to stop doing is the picturing of the sexual act.men and women see this differently.

You are thinking of some man 'taking' her, when in fact, if you had the same experience (as a man with a woman)it would just be an act.

Stop thinking of her as being a passive partner.She is anything but!she used this guy to get back at you and get some control over her situation!

What goes on in your mind, imagining her with him is your problem and all down to macho guy stuff.beleive it or not, women can see sex the same as men at certain times,unemotional, comfort-shag stuff and you need to realise this.

I think she has done amazingly well under the circumstances from what you have said.I dont advocate cheating in any form, but there are situations where its is a cry for attention,thats all

[InaPanic]

First of all, try not to take all the posts here too much to heart. There are a lot of angry & hurt BS's here & a lot of them don't actually think any relationship can or should work out. It's been said to me a million times & I read what they have to say, see if there is anything constructive I can take out of it & then move on. No one knows what is going to happen in your life or their own for that matter.

 

You were brutally honest about some of the horrible things you said & did to your wife & I admire you for having the guts to say that. I think in most affairs it is something wrong with both parties but in some I think it's mainly one side or the other. In mine, it was mainly me & i've never tried to pin the blame on him. In yours, I'm not saying your wife was perfect but that had to be some hurtful things for her to hear from you. It sounds like you made it abundantly clear you weren't even sure you were ready for marriage.

 

Having an affair is never the right way to deal with the problem, ever. But they happen. They happen because we are failable human beings who do make mistakes in our lives. I think it is very possible this is a one time thing for her & that it is possible she learned from it & will never do it again. I think you need to stay on the ball with her as far as checking emails & phones & just being aware. She should understand that.

 

Also, I think she may be sugarcoating things telling you the sex was horrible. I sugarcoated a lot to my husband because I think graphic details only put even more graphic pictures in the BS head. But I also think it's possible it wasn't earth shattering, fabulous sex either like some may want you to believe. It was probably just ok. I know for me sex with my husband is much better than what it was with OM. But sex with OM wasn't repulsive either. That is possible.

 

As far as the baby. Do you have any questions whether it was yours or not? Seriously, deep down do you question it at all? If you do even a little bit, if it nags at you on occasion then I would have a blood test to find out. I know it sounds scary probably because at least if you don't do it then you can convince yourself the child is yours & by having a BT then you will find out for sure. AGain, considering what she did she should understand.

 

I hope things work out for you & that in time you are able to put this further & further behind you & in the past.

[bish]

ML,

Don't listen to that nonsense. No one knows anything here. No one can tell you that child isn't yours or what your wife is going to do. Bitter people who only see the world through all their hurt certainly cannot predict the future or patenity tests.

 

And people who have cheated always like to call those who have been betrayed "bitter". Maybe someone will betray you in one of the worst ways and see how you like it. Remember, you are a cheater.

[LakesideDream]

OP, you really, really need to get a paternity test on the child. Your wife lied to you, and the chances are good that she is still lying.

 

She admits to having "Gross" sex with her affair partner once, you can count on that being a lie.

 

The timeline is to close. Your wifes affair partner orgasmed in your wife's vagina and his semen splashed against her cervix. That's how baby's are created. You need to know if the baby your wife gave birth too was the product of your sperm or his.

 

If his semen was more successful than yours.. your feelings will change dramaticly.

[Musiclife]

I appreciate all of your comments, and I will try to catch as many of them as I can.

 

I keep records of everything, I have phone bills that date back to 05 that I can pull up, and I know for a fact the baby is mine due to this. Checking phone records and e-mails and what not, nothing started until after the pregnancy. It was some of her symptoms that helped bring them closer due to him having a child already he comforted her during her "morning sickness" when she didn't have "the strength to fight it off"

 

The date of the pregnancy was Apr 28, our "honest open talk" happened around May 2, the phone calls to him didn't start until June 9th.

 

The fact that I know it's my baby made it harder to make a decision on what I needed to do.

 

The other tough thing is, I wrote my original post in all honest worded openness, I'm not a chump nor am I a sucker. I've been cheated on before, but that's because the girl I was dating was a cheater and I realized that she cheated on someone else with me when she became my "girlfriend". I just never expected that once I was married and made vows, this would happen. My first child being with someone who had an affair while carrying my baby.

 

The next is, I was a product of divorced parents, it killed my sister, she is a chronic alcoholic because of this, her being older, I was able to see her mistakes and avoid them but growing up with split parents severely sucks. I don't want to do that to my baby. I will die before I hurt or let anything hurt my daughter, she is the absolute most important thing in my life. Even with an unfaithful mother. The fact that OM "splashed his semen" anywhere remotely close to her makes me want to hunt him down, but if I find him, I won't get to see my daughter, and I pray that we don't accidentally bump into one another because I will not be rational at that moment.

 

I do not believe for a second that the sex was gross to her. She may be telling the truth, but I cannot accept that. Part of me wants to believe that if the sex was good, she would have stayed with him, but the fact that she still wants to have sex with me makes me believe my sex is/was better.

 

The thing is, I want to move forward only for my daughter, should the situation get worse (which it hasn't yet) with my wife, I would work on getting custody and starting a new family. I still love my wife though, and I've been close to cheating before, I just feel that cheating is the will of a coward and I'm the type of person that would cut it off before I cheat. But I do acknowledge the fact that she was pushed to him by me and that's the part I need help with.......well that and the fact that merlin hit the nail on the head, I keep picturing the act taking place and that's killing me more because I wasn't there and I want to know everything about it.

 

Thanks again everyone for your comments/suggestions

 

~mL

[Blindsidedagainalive]

Sir, please get a paternity test.

You must do it.

Your wife owe's you that, and should be more than happy to considering the circumstances.

If she starts getting a bit reluctant, then you should become more suspect.

Anyway, what is the harm?

You would have solid proof.

Please do not justify the timeline.

I can tell you from an outside perspective that this looks very fishy.

There is so much you don't know.

I am now 10 months since d-day, and I just discovered another lie 2 weeks ago.

This is coming from someone who I have known for 22 years and swore on a bible and my life....and still lied!!!

[fingersniffer]

I am now 10 months since d-day, and I just discovered another lie 2 weeks ago.

This is coming from someone who I have known for 22 years and swore on a bible and my life....and still lied!!!

 

Trust, Trust, Trust, Trust, Trust, Trust, Trust, Trust,

Trust, Trust, Trust, Trust, Trust, Trust, Trust,

Trust, Trust, Trust, Trust, Trust, Trust,

Trust, Trust, Trust, Trust, Trust,

Trust, Trust, Trust, Trust,

Trust, Trust, Trust,

Trust, Trust,

Trust,

 

 

 

Thats how I feel... it gets broken down repeatedly by the filthy lies, the deception, the hurt and the betrayal.

 

Do you trust this person? Do you believe anything they say? If it takes them an hour to go to the drugstore why is that when its only 10 minutes away? Because they are liars. Bish commented on my thread and even though I think he is very harsh, he is often correct. Once a cheater always a cheater he wrote.... I dont know, all I know is that its real difficult to get past those lies isnt it?

 

There goes my wife with her cellphone, the cause and root of so much of our pain, and she has no problems in waving it about under my nose. She has no idea of the pain that it causes me. Its as much of a reminder as seeing the OM in our neigborhood. She has lied about it so often.

 

Is the kid yours? Who knows. Get a test done, you will sleep better at night knowing one way or the other.

 

Cheats are a**holes.

[bish]

Cheats are a**holes.

 

Uh oh, watch out with that fingersniffer. There are some Alert button nazis here that will take offense to that.

[fingersniffer]

Uh oh, watch out with that fingersniffer. There are some Alert button nazis here that will take offense to that.

 

I'm beyond caring what most people think Bish. Lifes too short - anyway, I asterix'ed the ss

 

that someone can betray someone in any form is bad enough, that a**hole is possibly the nicest term that I can come up with. Some people can redeem themselves, but to do that to another human being is cowardly, shameful and wrong.

[bish]

I'm beyond caring what most people think Bish.

 

Ya, but what most people think gets you banned. Too many over-sensitive people on this board that can offend, but don't like to be offended back.

 

 

Lifes too short - anyway, I asterix'ed the ss

 

Infractions have been given for tricking the profanity filter. I know, you see people masking profanity all the time, but only certain posts are removed.

 

 

that someone can betray someone in any form is bad enough, that a**hole is possibly the nicest term that I can come up with. Some people can redeem themselves, but to do that to another human being is cowardly, shameful and wrong.

 

I agree 100%.

[bish]

I'll save you some time friend.

 

Baby isn't yours.

Sex with the other man was great.

She's settled for you and hopes you'll be the babies daddy after the otherman didn't step up.

 

It's hard and it's rough but you're being played because she needs a man around while she cares for the baby.As soon as it can walk she's going to be looking around for another man.

 

Blunt and to the point, but spot on I believe. Especially the baby not being his.

[Untouchable_Fire]

The other tough thing is, I wrote my original post in all honest worded openness, I'm not a chump nor am I a sucker. I've been cheated on before, but that's because the girl I was dating was a cheater and I realized that she cheated on someone else with me when she became my "girlfriend". I just never expected that once I was married and made vows, this would happen. My first child being with someone who had an affair while carrying my baby.

 

You only get the title of Chump if you act like one. Perhaps your not there yet, but I see your well on the way.

 

You didn't push her to have an affiar. First you need to admit that. Second, you may forgive her, but that does not mean no consequences. One of those consequences is a paternity test. Do it! I don't care how good your phone records are... DNA does not lie, and you have the right to know. More important... It shows you feel the need to check. It shows that you have a vested interest in keeping her honest.

 

Yeah it sucks to have divorced parents, but you owe it to your child to show what a loving marriage should be! You can't do that with someone who doesn't love you!

 

I do not believe for a second that the sex was gross to her. She may be telling the truth, but I cannot accept that. Part of me wants to believe that if the sex was good, she would have stayed with him, but the fact that she still wants to have sex with me makes me believe my sex is/was better.

 

Or you make more money. Women don't always choose thier husbands based on how good they are in bed! There are usually a number of factors that play into it.