bish Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 Unless you have joint custody.. you are leaving them if you have them every second weekend and one evening a week.. (typical father custody here).. I don't know too many mothers who would accept that.. I have joint custody, but only have them every other weekend and one night a week. Joint custody only changes the decision making process when it comes to the kids. It doesn't get the non-custodial parent more time with their children unless the custodial parent says so. The non-custodial parent basically loses their kids. Not in a complete sense, but enough to hurt.
ioncebelieved Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 Try looking at it from the kids' POV. I know a guy to this day some 15 years later that won't speak to his mother because he felt she left the family for a "piece of ass". My dad cheated on my mom and they divorced back in the day. I was mid teens in age and it bothered me, but after I grew up and lived my life and similar things happened I knew it was not personal. I do not buy that leave the kids bit really. It just seems different if a women would leave the household why the kids are still young... That I would consider leaving the kids.
GreenEyedLady Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 Unless you have joint custody.. you are leaving them if you have them every second weekend and one evening a week.. (typical father custody here).. I don't know too many mothers who would accept that.. It's different here. And they basically try and keep the arrangement that the kids are already used to. Honestly, if either parent is out messing around, I don't see how that's better than leaving. It's sets a bad example for the kids about M and R's and it takes time away from the family. So the staying for the kids, is just an excuse. An excuse so they don't have to deal with making the M work at home and an excuse so their OW will lay off them about leaving.
whichwayisup Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 So the staying for the kids, is just an excuse. It is if the cheating and whatever continues...But if they choose to stay married because of the kids, then both people need to make the marriage work and fix it.
Author Daisyloo Posted July 29, 2008 Author Posted July 29, 2008 Don't be afraid to go for what you want. Life is not a do-over. GEL Thank you, I do believe we have a future, he treats me really well and makes me very happy. There have been issues and rows obviously but we've always resolved these by talking and sharing our own feelings. He does what he can to make me happy, it's just that he can't leave there. Thanks for your experience, it's given me lots to think about Xx
Author Daisyloo Posted July 29, 2008 Author Posted July 29, 2008 I have a question... If you are looking for the opinions and advice of those who HAVE succeed in their bad deeds, would that actually be a honest answer to your situation or would it be justification in the continuance of what is wrong? DNR Hi DNR, I don't want justification or anyone to make a decision for me no, I just wanted to know if anyone had been in a similar situation where things worked out for them. I do see a future with my bloke (allbeit not immediately) and I just wanted people to talk to who understand the ups and downs of what I feel. Thanks for sharing your ideas, I'm taking on board helpful advice from both sides on the fence Xx
Author Daisyloo Posted July 29, 2008 Author Posted July 29, 2008 So basically you are hoping he leaves his kids? Not necessarily Bish no. I'm hoping he doesn't carry on as he is because friends and family of his are concerned for his health as staying there is making him miserable. I would never deny him time with his children and actually get on well with them both. Thanks Xx
whichwayisup Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 The thing is, how long do you intend to wait? If a MM truly loves his OW and wants to be married to her, or have some kind of future with her, he won't drag the affair on for years and years. Say one thing and do another. Or just keep postponing for various reasons. He'll just do it because he wants out of his marriage. In GEL's situation, her MM did what he could to end his marriage, his actions met his words..In MANY affairs (most that I've read on LS) the MM or MW says one thing but doesn't follow through on action.
Author Daisyloo Posted July 29, 2008 Author Posted July 29, 2008 I understand fully what is being said about families and children and yes, in an ideal world every married couple would be happy and the children would see that, enjoy it and everything would be grand. My own parents were not happy and my mum stayed for me and my siblings - I grew up thinking my dad was a git and it's only now that I see that he was unhappy too. He worked all the hours in a day to earn for us as a family so I only saw him when he rowed with my mum whereas I saw all her good and happy sides too when she was there after school etc. Each situation is different. My bloke works earlies and is at home when the kids get in from school, he sees them til early evening when he goes to bed. That's when his wife comes in from work and that is what I imagine they would do if they lived seperately but it would mean that there wasn't the occasion when they ARE all in the house and all hell breaks loose. He spends all day Sat with the children while his wife goes out with her parents/friends etc then same again Sunday morning. Just telling you it from his case but like I say, every case is different I know. Sorry to anyone who's been upset by this thread Xx
Author Daisyloo Posted July 29, 2008 Author Posted July 29, 2008 The thing is, how long do you intend to wait? This is what I'm trying to battle with now. Trying to find the strength to walk away which is why I came on here for some points of view, other's experiences etc. Want to say I can't carry on as it is but don't actually want to force his hand to leave - I think if I gave him an ultimatum he'd leave home but I want him to make the decision for himself not just for me. My intention is to end things and let him decide if he still wants to leave when I'm out of the scenario (just takes time to pluck up the courage and know I'll be able to stick to it). If we're meant to be together then the future will enable it I guess. Thanks Xx
OWoman Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 Unless you have joint custody.. you are leaving them if you have them every second weekend and one evening a week.. (typical father custody here).. I don't know too many mothers who would accept that.. Here joint custody (equally shared) is the norm, unless it's not in the children's best interests. The children's advocate decides on the best arrangement for the children after proper investigations, and that gets made an order of the court. If the kids are old enough to have a view one way or another, that gets taken very seriously.
sassygirl1 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I met a man back in 2006 and fell for him immediately. I learned from colleagues and friends that he was unhappily married and at home for his children. After we initially met he contacted me and we became friends, then this grew into a relationship. He left home several weeks later and lived alone for a few months but missed his children dreadfully and went home. He has told impartial friends and me that he did the wrong thing in going back because he is more unhappy than ever but doesn't want to hurt his children further. He says he wants to leave and to be with me and will do when he feels the time is right and the children will cope but I'm not sure how much longer I can wait. Many people know of our relationship so he is at constant risk of being 'caught' but none the less he doesn't 'hide' me except for not speaking to me on the phone when he is in home with his children or wife. His wife and him work opposite shifts so rarely see each other and at weekends he is normally with me so I know they are not 'together' in any sense other than living in a house together for the children. His wife knew about me when he left home but wanted him home for the children and because she didn't want to be alone. I know I could perhaps meet someone else who could offer me more but my problem is that I don't want to. Is there ANYone out there who has been in a similar situation which HAS worked out for them or am I just nuts? Thanks Xxx If he left home once he will do it again. I met a guy that was married he was in a very unhappy relationship and he has two kids. He left once before and went back. Now he is in the process of getting a divorce. Kids are not going to keep two people who don't love each other together. THAT IS BULL ****.
OWoman Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Kids are not going to keep two people who don't love each other together. THAT IS BULL ****. My parents stayed together "for the kids". They made it clear to everyone - including the kids - that this was why they were staying together. The minute we were grown they split. So yes, some people do stay together for the kids, even when they don't love each other.
me003 Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 I have been with my honey for three and half years. He and his XW separated at the beginning of this year. It does happen. But honestly, mine didn't make the move until he realized I was moving on and I wouldn't look back. If he knows that you'll stay without him having to D, he will never leave. It's too easy for him to get exactly what he wants (without all the repurcussions of leaving) by staying married to her and being with you. There's no incentive for him to leave while you happily stand by. I know it's hard to feel like you'll lose the man you love. But do you really have him the way you want to? GEL wow! I think what you said was so powerful. The last 2 sentences is what every OW needs to read. No one deserves to have this kind of relationship.
me003 Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 And as a father that get visitation, but is not the custodial parent, it IS losing his kids. Unless you are in that situation, you don't know what it feels like. and the father getting them full time? Ya, fat chance of that. The mother would have to be a real scumbag for a father to get custody, and even then it is too tough to do. So why did you get divorced if you knew you would not have your children full time? Depending on what state and how your xpouse is, you might get to see them more. Some states have 50/50... other parents choose to live close to their ex so they can see their kids more. Sometimes as parents we have to sacrifice a little to get our kids. Not sure what your situation is, but there are ways of working this out. Remember... the courts always look at what is the best interest of the child. And yes, father's now have more right than in the past.
me003 Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 Exactly. And in most cases, relationships with the kids improve, because the parent can focus on the kids without being distracted by bad vibes with the spouse. I know that I cherish and give my all to my child when I have him... I am more attentive, and do more things than before. Now it is all about them.... not the cleaning, or the laundry or the picking up or anything but MY CHILD. Oh, and no fating with the EX... so the my child is not brought down by unpleasentness of the past.
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