boyfriend's relationship with his mom

[flipbook]

Hi I'm new here. I've been snooping around and thought I may ask for second opinions.

 

My live-in boyfriend of several years had his mom visit and stay with us for 5 months a few years ago. She's been staying with us for 4 months again this summer. He eventually plans to have her move and live with us permanently. She's from overseas and he's an only child and she's been a single mother ever since he was little. They also have a very close relationship. When she's overseas, they either text or e-mail or call everyday. When she's here, he spends most of his waking time with her, (outside work, that is), although he tries to include me in it.

 

We're both in our 30's and I told him this is not the lifestyle I want. We both work full-time, go to school part-time and pay mortgage. I told him I'd prefer she continues to live in her country, where she has her own place and a small group of friends, and just visits us for a short period of time. Or if he insists that she moves here, then he has to find her an apartment (he'd have to make more money) and help her to develop her own group of network so that he is not the only one providing her with entertainment and companionship. And that he limits the number of visits to and from her.

 

However, she had told him that she wouldn't come if she doesn't stay with him. But I don't want her to live with us. And I don't think it's either healthy or normal for a 30-something man who has a career and a girlfriend to spend most of his leisure time with his parent. Also he is very comfortable with his mom, he sometimes walks in his briefs in front of her. I cannot imagine myself walking in my briefs in front of my own father, although I don't have a such close relationship with my father as he does with his mother.

 

He said he understood me, but thought I was selfish, saying that he'd be more understanding and supportive of me if I was in his situation. However, he's not in my situation and he knows he won't be with me (my parents are together and I have many siblings). Am I being selfish and shallow? Is his behavior healthy and normal for a 30-something old man? Sometimes I feel he hasn't cut his umbilical cord or has some kind of Oedipus complex/relationship with his mom. Do I wait around naively and falsely hoping he'll follow my recommendations or move on (i.e., break up) knowing that he will resent me if I push my case?

[Mr. Lucky]

Sometimes I feel he hasn't cut his umbilical cord or has some kind of Oedipus complex/relationship with his mom.

I think the simple truth is that the connection is more cultural than psychological. You don't mention where your BF is from, but in many countries the parent/child relationship is a tie that binds for a longer time and in different ways than we see here. I have a good friend from India, a very successful medical professionial, and both his parents live with him, his wife and their children. They eat every meal together, vacation together and even work together. It's very much the norm for them and, as a son, he unquestioningly accepts the responsibility of providing for them as long as they live. My daughter is currently studying in Asia, same thing there - parents provide for the kids when they are young, kids provide for the parents when they're old. We in the USA seem to be the exception rather than the rule.

 

The harder question is defining what this support means. Is it financial? Companionship? Inclusion in every aspect of his life? You need to find out what he's comfortable with and how well that works for you. How does your future MIL treat you when the 3 of you are together?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Staring]

I think the simple truth is that the connection is more cultural than psychological. You don't mention where your BF is from, but in many countries the parent/child relationship is a tie that binds for a longer time and in different ways than we see here. I have a good friend from India, a very successful medical professionial, and both his parents live with him, his wife and their children. They eat every meal together, vacation together and even work together. It's very much the norm for them and, as a son, he unquestioningly accepts the responsibility of providing for them as long as they live. My daughter is currently studying in Asia, same thing there - parents provide for the kids when they are young, kids provide for the parents when they're old. We in the USA seem to be the exception rather than the rule.

 

The harder question is defining what this support means. Is it financial? Companionship? Inclusion in every aspect of his life? You need to find out what he's comfortable with and how well that works for you. How does your future MIL treat you when the 3 of you are together?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Women tend to over nuture he probably was just a deprived a man growing up so he cant act like one

[lovestruck818]

Hi I'm new here. I've been snooping around and thought I may ask for second opinions.

 

My live-in boyfriend of several years had his mom visit and stay with us for 5 months a few years ago. She's been staying with us for 4 months again this summer. He eventually plans to have her move and live with us permanently. She's from overseas and he's an only child and she's been a single mother ever since he was little. They also have a very close relationship. When she's overseas, they either text or e-mail or call everyday. When she's here, he spends most of his waking time with her, (outside work, that is), although he tries to include me in it.

 

We're both in our 30's and I told him this is not the lifestyle I want. We both work full-time, go to school part-time and pay mortgage. I told him I'd prefer she continues to live in her country, where she has her own place and a small group of friends, and just visits us for a short period of time. Or if he insists that she moves here, then he has to find her an apartment (he'd have to make more money) and help her to develop her own group of network so that he is not the only one providing her with entertainment and companionship. And that he limits the number of visits to and from her.

 

However, she had told him that she wouldn't come if she doesn't stay with him. But I don't want her to live with us. And I don't think it's either healthy or normal for a 30-something man who has a career and a girlfriend to spend most of his leisure time with his parent. Also he is very comfortable with his mom, he sometimes walks in his briefs in front of her. I cannot imagine myself walking in my briefs in front of my own father, although I don't have a such close relationship with my father as he does with his mother.

 

He said he understood me, but thought I was selfish, saying that he'd be more understanding and supportive of me if I was in his situation. However, he's not in my situation and he knows he won't be with me (my parents are together and I have many siblings). Am I being selfish and shallow? Is his behavior healthy and normal for a 30-something old man? Sometimes I feel he hasn't cut his umbilical cord or has some kind of Oedipus complex/relationship with his mom. Do I wait around naively and falsely hoping he'll follow my recommendations or move on (i.e., break up) knowing that he will resent me if I push my case?

 

My boyfriend is 27 and still lives at home. When is not with me or working, he spends a lot of time with his parents. While my situation is a bit different than yours, I see nothing wrong with having a close relationship with ones parents. When I lived at home, I'd walk around in a bra in front of my father. There is nothing wrong with him wanting to spend time with his mom.

 

However, I do understand his mom being there could be quite annoying at times.

 

You really need to lighten up a bit. As much as it sucks, it would be wrong to force him to get another job to make more money for her to move out. As his girlfriend, you really need to be supportive of the situation and go with it...as much as it sucks.

 

Also, as someone mentioned before...cultural differences. Is your boyfriend Italian by any chance? Many Italians live at home with tehir families for their whole lives. Everyone there is really close with their families.

[luvstarved]

Whoa whoa whoa whoa!!! I guess I will be the devil's advocate a bit here.

 

My H and his mother have a very close relationship and it is too close for me. It CAN be perfectly healthy but it can also be over the top and damaging to an adult romantic relationship.

 

I have gone on about my MIL's behavior - no boundaries, ridiculously deferential and praising of her son, taking care of his chores up to us getting married, doing anything he asks, telling him he is so handsome, his needs are more important than anyone else's, people who disagree with him are just mean and jealous blah de blah.

 

I just had a situation tonight when I came home where she was babysitting and through the window overheard her totally trashing me to him on the phone. Major blowout ensued, a small one with her, a bigger one with him. Sucks!

 

SO - proceed with caution. A mother is not a spouse and has no business pretending otherwise. And an adult son is not a child, a spouse or a god to his mother.

 

If boundaries can be defined and honored, then this can work out. But already it sounds like you have different boundaries than him and he is basically judging you for it. Red flag.

 

How does his mother treat him when she is around? Servile? Red flag. Excessively praising? Red flag. Objective and honest and respectful of your place as his wife? Sigh of relief...

 

Maybe you could compromise and agree that she could live with you for some time WHILE she establishes a network. Set some reasonable generous limit - a year or 18 months maybe. I know she is from a different country, but there are usually culturally-oriented neighborhoods for everyone...a coworker of mine had his mother come over and she could not speak English but she is established in a neighborhood of many people from their country and is happy as a clam.

 

If your BF still thinks you are being unreasonable and seems to want to live with his mother forever, despite how it makes you feel, and wants no part of compromise, then that is a HUGE FIRE ENGINE RED FLAG!!!!!!!!

[Ruby Slippers]

I would NEVER go for this. I made the mistake once of living a mile away from a boyfriend's smothering family, and they were constantly calling, dropping in uninvited, and wrecking my peace of mind.

 

Many, many people would not want this lifestyle. Please don't let him convince you you're selfish for your preference. That's ridiculous. You want an adult, independent life in your own home with your man. That's perfectly legitimate and normal.

[Ruby Slippers]

When I lived at home, I'd walk around in a bra in front of my father.

CREEPY.

 

As his girlfriend, you really need to be supportive of the situation and go with it...as much as it sucks.

Are you KIDDING ME? A thousand times no.

[flipbook]

Thank you all for your feedback.

 

My BF is neither Indian nor Italian - in which case, I'd understand more to some extent. He's of Eastern European background. I'm not criticizing his sense of responsibility to take care of his elderly parent. I think it's commendable. What I question, and don't like, is his extremely (subjective) close relationship with her.

 

When she's here, he plans everything around her. They have meals together (it's awkward when 3 of us are together, I don't speak their language, she doesn't speak English), go grocery shopping or any shopping, go for a walk in the park, and if there are any festivities going on in the city, go together. He acts like her companion/tour guide 24/7 (minus working hours). If she's here for a short-term, I understand and am fine. But she's here for months and will be here, eventually, permanently.

 

Another thing that irks me.. because of her language barrier and to make her feel more comfortable, he plans his social gatherings (fishing, camping, b-b-q's, whatever) only with people from his background. And I usually don't go to these events because they all talk in their language and are older, married with kids, etc., with not much in common with me. Although I carry on a small conversation with some, I usually feel like an outsider. And he doesn't go out with other friends (his or mutual) because the little time he has (he works, goes to school, works on the house) he has to include, and spend with, her. I'm almost positive this will not change when she moves here permanently. And unfortunately, there aren't any neighborhood in our city where people from his background congregate. They have a small population and are scattered around.

 

I know what I want, I just don't know how to convince him without making him resent me. Other than this, he's a fine guy (although we do have other issues). Sigh... this on-line session is turning into my bashing of him. But I don't want to confide in either my family (they'll think I should end the R) or friends (don't want to embarrass myself and the BF).

 

Oh, by the way, BF's mom treats me all right (we don't communicate much). I think it's more him than her - either his sense of responsibility or his attachment to her, I think it's latter.

 

Thanks for reading to this end.

[Ruby Slippers]

I know what I want, I just don't know how to convince him without making him resent me.

You just have to decide what your bottom line is and stick to it FIRMLY. If you don't, you are absolutely going to resent HIM. If her living in the same house is a deal-breaker, let him know that and do not let him talk you out of it.

 

You have some very serious and legitimate concerns here, and you two need to agree very specifically upon what life with his mom around is going to look like. For instance, if you want some time together with him and friends who speak English, without her around, that's more than reasonable, and you need to make that need known. The 24/7 time with mom outside of work is not at all normal or healthy, IMO.

 

But the main issue right now is where she's going to live. You have stated very clearly that it's not what you want. He needs to figure out if he can be flexible on that or not, and you need to make up your mind from there.

[Walk]

I agree with Ruby slippers that you need to talk to your bf. I'd start by asking him what he believes life with his mom living with him will be like. Ask him how he see's the future? Will he continue to be the 24/7 entertainer for her once she moves in? Will friends be kept or dropped based upon their ability to speak his native tongue?

 

Ask him to discuss this with you in detail without interjecting your opinions or wants into it. And when you fully understand what he envisions his future as, then discuss comprimises. If he won't discuss alternatives with you then its probably time to put this relationship in the "Good guy but not going where I want" category.

 

It may not be as horribly bad as you assume. Of course, it may be as bad as you assume. But I think you owe it to the relationship to really dig into what your bf's idea of the future looks like. It might also help you confidently make a decision that will impact your life (living with his mom, or ending the relationship).

 

I would also outright ask what areas he is willing to comprimse on, and which ones he definitely will not bend on.

 

Good luck. I dont' envy the decision you'll have to make.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think it's more him than her - either his sense of responsibility or his attachment to her, I think it's latter.

Again, I think you're running into a cultural barrier. And don't take this the wrong way, but some people in your circumstances react very differently - they embrace the language, customs, gatherings, relationships, in-laws, etc. What you're doing and asking doesn't make you the bad guy, it just may make you a bad match for him. Something to think about...

 

Mr. Lucky