Author confused999 Posted July 27, 2008 Author Posted July 27, 2008 Only a child feels rejected over something like that. I can't even comment on the stupidity of his statement about cheating. Yes, he's willing to take risks because he is now convinced that there's nothing he can do to make you leave. Consider that everything he does is a game. I'm guessing that he's not texting you because now that he's told you he cheated, the next step is for you to assume that's what he's doing when he's not available to you. It's aimed at making you feel desperate. Do yourself a favor and don't text him again. And don't answer if he calls or texts you. Wait until tomorrow to talk to him and tell him that since you didn't hear from him, you made other plans. Imbewildered, you're right, angel is offering great info. And it's true, when he stopped texting last night, and then again today, I did wonder if he was with some other woman, and of course I've wondered if he's done any drugs today. This is awful.
whichwayisup Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 This is awful. And it's only going to get worse. I know you love him and don't want to break it off with him, but if you stay, the relationship WILL turn toxic and he'll hurt you badly, mess you up.
Angel1111 Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 Everything that Angel said is money. I wamt to add that YOU need to get your azz along to at least SIX Nar-Anon meetings without delay. You cannot FIX him or his anger or his raging. Drug abusers are NEVER good candidates for relationships - EVER. Exactly. We can talk about his stupid behavior all day long but, the truth is, the most important thing to look at is why you put up with it to begin with. And to decide if you're going to continue putting up with it or not. You only control you. You will never control what he does. If you don't stick around, he won't be able to do any of the things he does to you. If you do stay, it's your approval for him to continue. In terms of making this relationship work, this is a total lose/lose situation. The only solution is to get out.
whichwayisup Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 Why not ask him to stop doing Coke and see his reaction? Ask him to quit and go to rehab. Again, wait for his reaction. Chances are, he's gonna tell you that he is not an addict and he can quit anytime he wants, but chooses not to because it's no big deal. That he has it under control. Lines of crap like that. You tell him that his mood is so up and down, that he is being mean, he's doing things like cheating, or saying he is just to piss you off. This is your relationship, if you're not ready to walk away, then try to get him to see that he DOES have a drug problem and that you want to help him. Sadly, you may have to go through a rollercoaster ride for a while until you've had enough and walk away..
imbewildered Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 And it's only going to get worse. I know you love him and don't want to break it off with him, but if you stay, the relationship WILL turn toxic and he'll hurt you badly, mess you up. It is already toxic because he is a drug abuser. THat makes his life toxic and will contaminate his relationships. The OP needs to know more about drug abuse, and her role as a co-addict.. Private counseling alone has a poor record at dealing with this. THerapists rarely understand drug abuse and treat it as if it were some 'self esteem' issue which it is not. His anger is a SYMPTOM of his drug use and his drug abuse is the primary disorder here.. NOt his anger. The most success is in the 12 Step programs. The OP needs to join Nar Anon today !
Angel1111 Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 There's really no hope at all? Read the book I recommended and you'll be able to walk away with a lot less pain. It is written by a pshycholgist who had the opportunity to study thousands of these men because they were ordered by the court to go to the him for therapy. He gives an incredible insight to this problem. I also like the fact that it's written by a man. I think that his drug use is a secondary problem and is only part of the reason for his behavior. I believe that this behavior was always there beneath the surface and he was waiting until you were deeper into the relationship to bring it out to this degree. He fed it to you slowly and each time you blew it off, he turned it up more and more. Remember that these guys truly are totured souls and often hate themselves for the things they do. But it never stops them. Their remorse is temporary.
Angel1111 Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 And it's only going to get worse. I know you love him and don't want to break it off with him, but if you stay, the relationship WILL turn toxic and he'll hurt you badly, mess you up. Unfortunately, it's already toxic.
imbewildered Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 I think that his drug use is a secondary problem and is only part of the reason for his behavior. I believe that this behavior was always there beneath the surface and he was waiting until you were deeper into the relationship to bring it out to this degree. He fed it to you slowly and each time you blew it off, he turned it up more and more. Remember that these guys truly are totured souls and often hate themselves for the things they do. But it never stops them. Their remorse is temporary. NO change is possible until he gets treatment and becomes claen and sober. His drug use is the most urgent.. it is central, NOT his anger. I know Angel is trying to help and she believes that reading a book will help. However her advice is generic and is typical of someone who knows little about substance abuse and recovery... I have first hand experience in this, and reading alone changes nothing . Reading a book about weight loss will not shed one pound without a willingness to enter a weight loss program.. The OP needs to take action and the 12 Step programs are where recovery takes place both for addicts and their SOs. Good luck Confused, and take the 12 Step journey soon.
Angel1111 Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 NO change is possible until he gets treatment and becomes claen and sober. His drug use is the most urgent.. it is central, NOT his anger. I know Angel is trying to help and she believes that reading a book will help. However her advice is generic and is typical of someone who knows little about substance abuse and recovery... I have first hand experience in this, and reading alone changes nothing . Reading a book about weight loss will not shed one pound without a willingness to enter a weight loss program.. The OP needs to take action and the 12 Step programs are where recovery takes place both for addicts and their SOs. Good luck Confused, and take the 12 Step journey soon. You're absolutely right that I have no experience with drug abusers, so my advice could be way off target. But, I strongly suspect that he has an abusive personality and even if he does get off the drugs, he will still be abusive. That's why I say the drug abuse is secondary - because his biggest character flaw will always be there. For him, yes, getting off drugs would be a start, along with about 25 yrs of hard therapy for his behavior. For her, it's not relevant. Drugs or no drugs, these guys don't change. She has said things to indicate that he has always acted this way but it was sporatic and now it has increased. This is very typical of how abusers operate. And drugs (or alcohol) is the device they use in order to give themselves permission to amp up the abuse. The reason I think the book is important for her to read is because it will help her understand his behavior and understand that it's not going to change. She will continually ask the 'why does he do that?' question until she gets it. It's hard to get because she doesn't understand his mind-set. I was with someone like this (although he wasn't as crazy as this guy) and the book opened my eyes and answered a lot of questions for me. She cannot change him and is wasting her time trying. I personally do not think she needs to fix herself just because this guy is an ass. She just needs to raise her standards and expectations about men. Yes, I'm sure there are reasons why she's with a guy like this but getting to that answer could take years. It's much easier to recognize that, no matter what, she shouldn't tolerate this kind of thing ever again. I know that I can spot an unstable guy from 10 miles away. I don't even worry about whether this will happen to me again because I know it won't. And if I'm wrong about that, then I know I'll walk at the first sign of trouble.
imbewildered Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 I personally do not think she needs to fix herself just because this guy is an ass. She just needs to raise her standards and expectations about men. Yes, I'm sure there are reasons why she's with a guy like this but getting to that answer could take years. . Your understanding of the drug addict and the ubiquitous co-addict is limited at best. Addiction and co-addiction does not respond to conventional therapy alone without involvement in recovery programs. The OP needs to find her way into a recovery program for two reasons.. 1. She needs to FULLY grasp what she is dealing with in her relationship with a drug abuser. 2. The program will support her in her own recovery as a codependent. Your advice, though well meaning, is flawed and inadequate in her case. Please accept that that pop psych is almost useless when drug abuse is involved. Recovery from addiction and co-addiction is resistant to treatment and subject to relapse. Your regular neighborhood therapist is ineffectual and impotent in these cases ,unless the T insist that both parties enrol in 12 step work. Unless the OP enrols in a recovery program, she is likely to hang in with this guy and cling to the mistaken belief that she can "help" him.. IT is also common that co-addicts who do not receive treatmentwill eventually seek out another addict for a new relationship, and the same movie starts all over again.
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 He's doing F-ing cocaine why the hell are you with him??? WTF?
CommitmentPhobe Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 He's doing F-ing cocaine why the hell are you with him??? WTF? Yeah exactly - hardly something to be proud of. And by being with him you're excusing his behaviour
Author confused999 Posted July 28, 2008 Author Posted July 28, 2008 It's difficult to explain how all this creeped up on me. Of course I had no idea he did anything like that for months and months into the relationship. Then I found out he did it once or twice a year during some rare little trip with specific friends. Now it's been 2 years and I'm just figuring out that he's been using it more frequently lately, about every weekend that I'm aware of. And part of me wants to say, "he only does a couple lines a couple days a week, if that much, that's not addictive behaviour...". But is it? Is he doing more, as others have suggested and not admitting it to me?
Author confused999 Posted July 28, 2008 Author Posted July 28, 2008 I suppose understanding the consequences of being with an abusive personality and understanding the consequences of being with an addict will result in the same conclusion: being with them is not a good thing. And either way there must be something about me that attracted me to the dynamic, no matter how unaware of it I am.
whichwayisup Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 And part of me wants to say, "he only does a couple lines a couple days a week, if that much, that's not addictive behaviour...". But is it? Is he doing more, as others have suggested and not admitting it to me? Well, his behaviour has changed and he is treating you like crap. Don't let your heart make the rules here..
Angel1111 Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 Your understanding of the drug addict and the ubiquitous co-addict is limited at best. Addiction and co-addiction does not respond to conventional therapy alone without involvement in recovery programs. . What you're saying makes sense because you're making the assumption that she's going to stay with him, I'm making the assumption that she will leave him. I think we both agree that HIS drug problem is not her problem, and she's not going to fix it. There, OP, we just saved you thousands of dollars in therapy and a bunch of time going to drug meetings.
Angel1111 Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 It's difficult to explain how all this creeped up on me. Of course I had no idea he did anything like that for months and months into the relationship. Then I found out he did it once or twice a year during some rare little trip with specific friends. Now it's been 2 years and I'm just figuring out that he's been using it more frequently lately, about every weekend that I'm aware of. And part of me wants to say, "he only does a couple lines a couple days a week, if that much, that's not addictive behaviour...". But is it? Is he doing more, as others have suggested and not admitting it to me? Cocaine is one of the most addictive drugs out there, as far as I know. It's not like marijuana or something to play around with once in a lifetime, much less once or twice a year, or week. He's just kidding himself about this, and you along with him.
sb129 Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 Cocaine is one of the most addictive drugs out there, as far as I know. It's not like marijuana or something to play around with once in a lifetime, much less once or twice a year, or week. He's just kidding himself about this, and you along with him. Actually, it is. You don't get addicted the first time you do it. You may be thinking of crack cocaine, which is the most addictive form. I know alot of people who use cocaine occasionally and still have normal functioning, happy lives. This doesn't excuse his lying and bad behaviour that seem to be associated with his drug use though, and I think the OP is justified in ending it with him on those grounds alone.
Author confused999 Posted July 28, 2008 Author Posted July 28, 2008 There, OP, we just saved you thousands of dollars in therapy and a bunch of time going to drug meetings. You've certainly help me gain some perspective on the situation, that's for sure! :) I know this is amost impossible to understand if you haven't been in this kind of relationship -- I also know that I'm not alone, thousands of people are in my shoes. But to those of you reading this thread and just assume I'm an idiot for being confused about what seems so obvious to you, maybe this discussion will open your eyes to how/why these situations even exist.
CommitmentPhobe Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 And either way there must be something about me that attracted me to the dynamic, no matter how unaware of it I am. Hey, look don't start questioning yourself. Your boyfriend is choosing to do drugs and treat you like crap not you. It's up to you to choose whether that's what you want from a relationship or not. Questioning yourself is not going to help.
Angel1111 Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 Actually, it is. You don't get addicted the first time you do it. You may be thinking of crack cocaine, which is the most addictive form. I know alot of people who use cocaine occasionally and still have normal functioning, happy lives. This doesn't excuse his lying and bad behaviour that seem to be associated with his drug use though, and I think the OP is justified in ending it with him on those grounds alone. Oh, sorry I didn't know the difference. Thanks for clearing that up.
sb129 Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 Well TBH illegal drugs aren't really a great idea whatever way you look at it. But crack is waaay nastier than the snort up your nose variety. However, if you snort alot on a regular basis, you need more to get the same high, which is why some people then turn to crack (which is stronger) to get high. It can easily be a very slippery slope.
replicator Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 Get out ASAP. You don't want to waste your life with a coke addict. Like most others, I've experimented with drugs, but coke isn't something to be messed around with. It isn't just the drug abuse, it is the the fact that he uses it to escape reality and the internal issues he has. It will get worse before it gets better, if that ever happens.
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