confused999 Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 My b/f has difficult relationships with everyone, often gets mad at his friends and family members and cuts them off for a few days/weeks until he gets over it and forgets about it. But then the next time he gets upset, for whatever reason, he brings up tons of things they've done in the past that offended him. (Brings it up to me, he can go on a rant for an hour or 2.) He also is a road-rager, yells at other drivers, throws things, follows them, slashes tires for revenge. I've noticed this behaviour over time, I don't know if it's increasing or he just lets me see it more. He treats me the same way when we get in an argument, I just leave him alone for a day or 2 or 3 to cool off. At the end of our last span of time apart, he told me he cheated on me, but was thinking of me and regrets it. He said this when I was hesitating about his coming over. So of course I didn't let him come by. I don't know if he said it to hurt me or if it's true. The next day I asked him how often he does coke, because I've been thinking he's been doing it. He said almost every weekend, and then he only does a couple lines a day. I asked him how much he did that day and he said 2 lines (it was only 11am). He said he'll stop, no problem. Is this a person with a drug problem? Is he just using, or is he abusing it? What do I do, do I have to break up? (because of the cheating thing and/or the drug use?)
Author confused999 Posted July 27, 2008 Author Posted July 27, 2008 I forgot to explain the testing me bit... he said he does things, like telling me he cheated, in order to test me. What does this mean?
porter218 Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 I forgot to explain the testing me bit... he said he does things, like telling me he cheated, in order to test me. What does this mean? Is he trying to now claim that he hadn't cheated "it was just a test"?
woods321 Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 Yes he has a drug problem, and he is lying when he says he will stop. He will just hide it better from you.
JohnnyBlaze Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 You want to know what he's testing? He's testing how much crap you'll put up with. Forget the coke, he wants to be in control and win, and he'll do whatever it takes to get there (kind of like a whiny little eight year old who always has to get in the last word). Someone cuts him off, he gets even by slashing tires. You argue with him, he screws around (and I still don't know if I'd believe that he's just 'testing' you on that). This isn't a guy you want to be around. Say you two are together for a while, and something happens? It wasn't anything real, but he thinks it was. Say he thinks you cheated on him with an old friend of yours. Do you think he'd hesitate to go kick the crap out of your friend, and possibly you as well? Not a chance. This guy has some serious inherent problems. The drug use is just another nail in the coffin. For your own sake, I'd recommend that you walk away, immediately. Don't try to be a saint.
Author confused999 Posted July 27, 2008 Author Posted July 27, 2008 JohnnyBlaze wrote: "You want to know what he's testing? He's testing how much crap you'll put up with. Forget the coke, he wants to be in control and win, and he'll do whatever it takes to get there (kind of like a whiny little eight year old who always has to get in the last word). Someone cuts him off, he gets even by slashing tires. You argue with him, he screws around (and I still don't know if I'd believe that he's just 'testing' you on that). This isn't a guy you want to be around." I think your point about "control and win" is touching on something. Last night we were texting back and forth and he eventually asked to get together. I said no, I'm with friends because I didn't think we'd be getting together. He said "oh" and stopped answering the next couple texts I sent, until this morning, he said "ok" but I don't even know what he was replying to, really. Since then (n 3 hour time span) I've texted twice and he hasn't responded. Is this part of his control and win behaviour?
Angel1111 Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 No, you don't have to break up. You can stay with this unbelievable ass and let him totally drag your life down with his. That way, when you marry him, you can come back to this site and tell us about how he abuses you and your kids, that you don't understand how your life got like this, that you wish you were dead, and how much you love this guy and just can't leave him. Which part of this is confusing you - the fact that he cheated (doesn't matter if he actually did or not - he told you he did, that's enough), that he's a coke head, that his anger is completely out of control, that he treats you, his family and everyone else like crap? His words mean nothing - it doesn't matter if he plans to quit coke, cut back, or use it to powder his butt. If his mouth is moving, assume he's lying.
Angel1111 Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 You want to know what he's testing? He's testing how much crap you'll put up with. Which he has figured out is quite a bit.
Angel1111 Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 Yes, you're catching on. Every single thought he has is about control. Don't even waste your time trying to figure out why he does anything. He will never stop acting this way - he will only get worse. And that is a promise. If you break up with this guy, which I hope you do, then be prepared for an award-winning performance designed to make you feel sorry for him and feel bad about dumping him. You'll probably need to change your phone number unless you're able to ignore the mass of phone calls and messages he's going to leave. I'm sure he'll be able to muster up some tears, too. Don't buy it for one second. Please do yourself a favor and raise your expectations about men far higher than they are. You will not win any prizes for being tolerant of these kinds of people.
Author confused999 Posted July 27, 2008 Author Posted July 27, 2008 Yes, you're catching on. Every single thought he has is about control. Don't even waste your time trying to figure out why he does anything. He will never stop acting this way - he will only get worse. And that is a promise. If you break up with this guy, which I hope you do, then be prepared for an award-winning performance designed to make you feel sorry for him and feel bad about dumping him. You'll probably need to change your phone number unless you're able to ignore the mass of phone calls and messages he's going to leave. I'm sure he'll be able to muster up some tears, too. Don't buy it for one second. Please do yourself a favor and raise your expectations about men far higher than they are. You will not win any prizes for being tolerant of these kinds of people. Angel, first thanks for making me laugh with the part about his using the coke to powder his butt... quite an image! And I appreciate your blunt style of communication. Why do you think he will try to make me feel sorry for him and feel bad, etc? (I'm not challenging your insight, just asking for more detail.) It seems like he'd be so angry with me for bruising his ego for dumping him that he'd just completely go NC?
Author confused999 Posted July 27, 2008 Author Posted July 27, 2008 No, he's not directly trying to say he didn't cheat, but that telling me that was a test. I asked "why are you saying this to me?" and he said, I don't know, I guess it's a test. I know you said Angel, that I shouldn't waste time trying to figure out why he does the things he does, but I can't help it... why does he? Why push me and want me, push me and want me? How does this control and win thing work? What purpose does it serve?
Angel1111 Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 Angel, first thanks for making me laugh with the part about his using the coke to powder his butt... quite an image! And I appreciate your blunt style of communication. Why do you think he will try to make me feel sorry for him and feel bad, etc? (I'm not challenging your insight, just asking for more detail.) It seems like he'd be so angry with me for bruising his ego for dumping him that he'd just completely go NC? Because when you leave, it changes the dynamics of the relationship and he thinks that you've won and he's lost (he would actually be right in this case). In the Power Struggle game that he plays non-stop (he plays it by himself, but he doesn't know that), he absolutely hates to lose. Oh, I'm sure that anger will come into the picture either in the beginning or when he realizes he can't get to you. I'm just saying, be prepared for a staggering performance about how sorry he is, that he has never loved anyone the way he loves you, blah, blah, blah. Don't be flattered by this behavior because it's only designed to get you back so that he can amplify the abuse. If he goes NC, it will only be because he thinks it will make you come running back to him. If you do end it, just tell him once why you're doing it and don't repeat yourself again, and don't expand on it. He will know exactly what he has done, and will know exactly why you're leaving him. He's actually amazed that you've stayed, but don't think for one second that he feels lucky or grateful for your unlimited tolerance. He's an abuser and that's all he's capable of. It's kind of like a shark - it's an eating machine and that's all it does; that's all it's capable of.
Angel1111 Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 No, he's not directly trying to say he didn't cheat, but that telling me that was a test. I asked "why are you saying this to me?" and he said, I don't know, I guess it's a test. I know you said Angel, that I shouldn't waste time trying to figure out why he does the things he does, but I can't help it... why does he? Why push me and want me, push me and want me? How does this control and win thing work? What purpose does it serve? The purpose it serves is to make him feel powerful. I strongly recommend that you read Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why Does He Do That?" and it'll answer all your questions. You'll never look at your bf in the same way again.
whichwayisup Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 Yes, he has a drug problem and it will continue to get worse. And with that brings his mood swings and cruelness. How long have you two been together? Is this guy long term boyfriend material which could turn into marriage? Really think about this...
Author confused999 Posted July 27, 2008 Author Posted July 27, 2008 Because when you leave, it changes the dynamics of the relationship and he thinks that you've won and he's lost (he would actually be right in this case). In the Power Struggle game that he plays non-stop (he plays it by himself, but he doesn't know that), he absolutely hates to lose. Oh, I'm sure that anger will come into the picture either in the beginning or when he realizes he can't get to you. I'm just saying, be prepared for a staggering performance about how sorry he is, that he has never loved anyone the way he loves you, blah, blah, blah. Don't be flattered by this behavior because it's only designed to get you back so that he can amplify the abuse. If he goes NC, it will only be because he thinks it will make you come running back to him. If you do end it, just tell him once why you're doing it and don't repeat yourself again, and don't expand on it. He will know exactly what he has done, and will know exactly why you're leaving him. He's actually amazed that you've stayed, but don't think for one second that he feels lucky or grateful for your unlimited tolerance. He's an abuser and that's all he's capable of. It's kind of like a shark - it's an eating machine and that's all it does; that's all it's capable of. So he does these things because it makes him feel powerful, feeds his ego? His seeing me hurt makes him feel powerful? Why doesn't his treating me well and seeing me happy make him feel powerful?
Author confused999 Posted July 27, 2008 Author Posted July 27, 2008 Yes, he has a drug problem and it will continue to get worse. And with that brings his mood swings and cruelness. How long have you two been together? Is this guy long term boyfriend material which could turn into marriage? Really think about this... We've been together just under 2 years. All this just seems to be coming out now...
whichwayisup Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 Why doesn't his treating me well and seeing me happy make him feel powerful? Because treating you poorly makes HIM feel better...Because HE is unhappy and wants everyone else to suffer like him. People who are downright cruel to others do it on purpose to make themselves feel better.
whichwayisup Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 We've been together just under 2 years. All this just seems to be coming out now... Drugs make people do stupid things and if he's hidden his coke from you for this long, do you believe he'll stop because you want him to? Sure, he'll say, I'll quit, no problem...But, behind your back, he'll do afew more lines and lie about it. This isn't about love anymore, this is about your life and how you want it to go. If he is UNwilling to stop doing drugs, you need to get out of his life.
Author confused999 Posted July 27, 2008 Author Posted July 27, 2008 Drugs make people do stupid things and if he's hidden his coke from you for this long, do you believe he'll stop because you want him to? Sure, he'll say, I'll quit, no problem...But, behind your back, he'll do afew more lines and lie about it. I don't know how long he's beeing using like this, on weekends, but I do know he's withdrawn from me more in the last month... we used to spend most all of our time together but it has been erratic this last month or so. Makes sense, what you said, about him being cruel because he's unhappy, which is why the use of drugs, I guess?
Author confused999 Posted July 27, 2008 Author Posted July 27, 2008 So I guess that's why he hasn't answered my texts today, because he felt rejected that I didn't get together with him last night, even though he just told me he cheated. Why tell me something like that and risk rejection? Is the ego boost he might get if I let him back, that he's willing to risk it? Like how a druggie needs more and more of the drug, he needs to up the anti in how bad he treats me to get the same adrenaline shot to his ego?
Angel1111 Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 So he does these things because it makes him feel powerful, feeds his ego? His seeing me hurt makes him feel powerful? Why doesn't his treating me well and seeing me happy make him feel powerful? Yes, seeing you hurt makes him feel powerful. It probably creates a high similar to the cocaine he uses. Using control and getting results is what makes him feel powerful. Seeing you happy doesn't do anything for him because it doesn't require control to make someone happy. Making a person happy means that they are free to be who they are and free to leave or stay. Happy people are attractive to others and they have options to leave and not tolerate bad behavior. For an abuser, this does not compute. He is deeply insecure and the idea of you having options and being able to think for yourself makes him crazy and puts him in total fear. That fear is then translated into abusive behavior. He believes that the most probable way to make you stay is to mentally beat you down until you have lost all self-esteem and courage to ever dream of walking away. Hence these little tests he comes up with. He wants to know how far he can push you before he has to do something nice - because this cycle of 'mean' and 'nice' change with your level of tolerance. Once he sees that he's pushed you too far, he'll become Mr. Nice Guy, and when you come back around, he'll amp up the abuse so that little by little, you become more and more accustomed to the abuse. It's like slowly boiling a frog to death. Before the frog knows what happened, he's dinner. If you don't believe that, look around at the abused women who are beaten within an inch of their lives, and they go right back to the one who did it to them. If their families try to intervene, the will lie to protect the abuser. Because of the unrelenting attention these guys give them, they believe this is love, and believe the abuser is just a misunderstood and lost soul. They are also fully convinced that they cannot survive without him because they have totally lost touch with reality.
imbewildered Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 The purpose it serves is to make him feel powerful. I strongly recommend that you read Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why Does He Do That?" and it'll answer all your questions. You'll never look at your bf in the same way again. Everything that Angel said is money. I wamt to add that YOU need to get your azz along to at least SIX Nar-Anon meetings without delay. You cannot FIX him or his anger or his raging. Drug abusers are NEVER good candidates for relationships - EVER.
Angel1111 Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 So I guess that's why he hasn't answered my texts today, because he felt rejected that I didn't get together with him last night, even though he just told me he cheated. Why tell me something like that and risk rejection? Is the ego boost he might get if I let him back, that he's willing to risk it? Like how a druggie needs more and more of the drug, he needs to up the anti in how bad he treats me to get the same adrenaline shot to his ego? Only a child feels rejected over something like that. I can't even comment on the stupidity of his statement about cheating. Yes, he's willing to take risks because he is now convinced that there's nothing he can do to make you leave. Consider that everything he does is a game. I'm guessing that he's not texting you because now that he's told you he cheated, the next step is for you to assume that's what he's doing when he's not available to you. It's aimed at making you feel desperate. Do yourself a favor and don't text him again. And don't answer if he calls or texts you. Wait until tomorrow to talk to him and tell him that since you didn't hear from him, you made other plans.
whichwayisup Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 So I guess that's why he hasn't answered my texts today, because he felt rejected that I didn't get together with him last night, even though he just told me he cheated. Or maybe he's too busy doing drugs to make the time to contact you back. Sorry to be blunt, but you can't look at this guy as a normal guy anymore. Alot of who he is now IS because of the drug problem.
Author confused999 Posted July 27, 2008 Author Posted July 27, 2008 Wow Angel, this is crazy! While I know he's been treating me badly lately, and all this about drugs and cheating is so bad, it's hard for me to really see him as an abuser. It just snuck up on me! He was so nice and sweet, and mixes it in with being rude, so I forget about his rudeness and chalk it up to a bad day... but it's come to a head now, never been like this before. It's hard to imagine him being in fear.
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