reservoirdog1 Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 Hi everybody... I posted this question at the end of a very meandering thread I posted an update to recently. I'd really appreciate some input from those who have been there. I broke up with GF three weeks ago, due to a whole bunch of things that were not working for me in the relationship. I have two kids, 7 and 10, who I/we have 2-3 days per week. GF has two kids, 10 and 3 (the latter of whom I'll call "G3"), who were with us almost full time. The initial idea was that we would keep things as normal as possible for the benefit of the kids, especially G3 -- I'd start sleeping in the downstairs bedroom, and "transition out" gradually. G3's bio father doesn't see her very often, so I've been a daily fixture in her life since now-XGF and I moved in together just about 10 months ago. XGF has left me a few voicemails and a few emails telling me what a hard time the breakup is having on G3, who apparently cries a lot and asks for me. Obviously part of the motivation is to induce guilt on my part, I know. It's working somewhat; I do feel crappy about it. XGF has told her that I'm not going to be living with them anymore, and G3 seems to get it and is saddened by it. (I only know this from what XGF tells me, but I guess I have to assume it's true.) Last Saturday (8 days ago), before going out of town (where I still am), I took G3 out for lunch and to a playground, to give her a chance to see me again. That may have "set her back" somewhat, i.e. before that she seemed to be doing a bit better, and less so since then. My question: in this kind of situation, where stepfamilies break up and there's a small child involved, what's best for the small child like G3? Do the gradual phase-out thing and accept the setbacks as part of the process? Do it cold turkey, i.e. I'm in her life one day and gone the next? I would like to keep XGF's kids in my life, and in that of MY kids, but I do acknowledge that's not totally realistic. I'd really appreciate any thoughts people can offer. Thanks.
miss_28 Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 have you tried talking to your step-kid explaining that sometimes things don't work out but that you still love her and she did nothing wrong? You can tell her you hope that you can be there for her whenever she needs you, give her your # and tell her to call you when she needs to talk to you? All you can do is tell her to try and not be too sad, everything always works out for the best... other than that, i personally don't see what else you can do...
Author reservoirdog1 Posted July 29, 2008 Author Posted July 29, 2008 Thanks for the response. She's not quite 3 -- a bit young for what you suggest. I got another email from XGF this morning; I've been away for the last nine days and am now back, and was going to go over and see the little one this evening. This morning's email was typically guilt-inducing, but ended with her telling me that she's not sure I should come over today, because the little one, for the first time, HASN'T asked for me. I'm prepared to defer to what XGF proposes on this. I've had friends and family members tell me that "cold turkey" is the best approach with respect to a 3-year-old, because she'll most likely have forgotten about me in a year or two. Which sounds cold and callous, I know, especially because I do genuinely love her and care about her. But I don't want this to be any harder than it already is. Has anybody else had to go "cold turkey" from a stepchild in a situation like this, with a small child?
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