The Return

[No Foolin]

Wow..... I've been away for what appears to be two months, its not that I forgot about you all, but life does happen to go on .

 

Someone told me through PM that the thread regarding "The long walk" is locked or gone or something. I can assure you if you look you will find; it's still around............. Now down to business.

 

For all you new people: My name is No Foolin, I deal in reality, tough love and the god honest cold hard truth. Let me start with this little gem of info: If your relationship has ended = It’s over. There is no hope of a return, there is no going home and there is no sunset happy ending to whatever movie you were starring in with your ex; its over= this is a good thing.

 

Let me give you a little background info on me. If I remember correctly I was laid to waste by a young lady who I pretty much sold the farm for. I think it was back in 2003 or 2004 when it all ended. I can honestly say I was a different person then. I thought very much like y'all: schemed, hoped, cried and ultimately accomplished nothing but prolonging the death of a relationship that was already dead (you can't stop death, its pretty tough; I'm certain if there was a prize fight between death and <insert name of anything here> I'm pretty sure death would win). I hit rock bottom, I honestly contemplated ending it all, but I found something hard and enduring inside me (right in the pit of my stomach), something you only find when your alone and quiet, without hope. I decided to trust whatever that was and put one foot in front of the other. I started asking questions, started to make changes, I started to live my mistakes, victories and all, that's when I found this place. The rest is in the archives lol (what has it been, 3 years now?).

 

In these posts you will find the knowledge to survive and so much more (you will learn to live again). There have been many contributors, many of which haven't posted in weeks, months and years. I would like to think that life got in the way and they've moved on (to other loves, situations and great bar stories); after all isn't that the point of the coping forum lol.

 

I promise, you will get over this, no matter if you did the smashing or you were on the wrong end of the kick circle. You will walk this off. It doesn't need to be perfect, you are not on stage, you are not front page news, your a** isn't on the last page either, so don't pretend like you've been afflicted by some new disease that you're the first to die from. There is no prize at the end of this walk because honestly: you will hurt others and be hurt by others, it a process; it just is and thats all (you will also give somebody a ton of joy as well).

 

To close, the most important thing to remember is that life is abundant. For those of you less than spiritual people this means that there will always be more!!!! You will love again, you will lust again, you will have sex, commit, promise, break up, start, end, date, fool around, etc. Millions of people, couples around the globe and thousands of loveshack keyboard jockies can testify: there will be more. So following that logic to conclusion: Go get more or at least learn to. The trip is well worth the effort; if anything I'm an example of that. I mean really, there is a reason my phone consistently receives texts in the wee hours of the morning and it has nothing to do with luck .

 

Big Ups Kids

 

No Foolin

[JustinWolf]

Hey, I remember you! Nice post but every relationship is different and it all depends... Also, good to have you back and in complete control of yourself. Kick @$$!

[foxh1234]

Hi NF, I have read and re-read The Long Walk and it has really helped. Thanks for it.

[wareagle]

Good to see you back! I read The long Walk when I first signed up here in March and It really opened my eyes and enlightened me to move on. I can say four almost 5 months out I am for sure walking it out!

 

Thanks

[ioncebelieved]

We are not worthy, we are not worthy!!!!! Thanks for checking in No foolin!! Be nice for you to give us an update in a short manner what has transpired for you since that wonderful article you laid down years ago.

[Leoni]

No Foolin, you are one of my gods of tough love and moving on! Because of this, I'm reposting your opening post for The Long Walk thread:

 

Take it from me the absolute worst thing you can do is attempt to get in to contact with your ex (regardless of the reason). From a guys perspective, men have a far more difficult time getting over their ex. I think women have a far stronger support structure and tend to listen to the advice of family and friends; thus, when they hear enough times "that he's a jerk" and have their feelings validated by those outside the relationship, they tend to run with it.

 

If you have spent considerable time away from your ex, 4+ months, your gonna need a 100 yard touchdown pass to get him/her back into your life. I've been through this several times. All contacting your ex is going to do is really screw you up, like spiking yourself in the nuts with a snow shovel (know what I'm saying). You don't want to know how they are doing (its really more than you can handle). Nothing that you are doing is going to impress or endear them to you, regardless who dumped who.

 

I have noticed that those of us here, tend to be the ones that are plauged by the memory of loves lost. Our ex is not pimping this site. They do not sit and pine after you. They have moved on. Take this example: past behavior is the best indication of future behavior. Think back to a time when you ex discussed ex-boyfriend/girlfriend with you. Remember how they talked about them? Remember how they got over them? They are doing the same thing to you (we are very slowly accepting this and we are very, very pissed off).

 

In my opinion and after many conversations with guys and girls, you don't quite get over those you have been close to. If you have ever had a death in your family you will understand where I'm coming from. Regardless of time you will always have a small ache when their memory surfaces, fact.

 

However, the agony of loss will eventually go away. I am a firm adhearer to the concept of modeling the sucess of others to become sucessful. What I'm saying is mimic what others are doing to get yourself free. This is what I have learned.

 

1) Treat yourself as if you are your girlfriend/boyfriend when you first met them. how did you speak to them? Speak to yourself in the same way. Did you dress to the 9 to be more attractive for your love? Do the same for yourself now. Were you physically attentive to them? Get massages, change up your flat, put yourself in luxury. Did you workout to impress them? Exercise and get rocked up for yourself now.

 

2)You must treat your ex like he/she is a serial killing stalker. Avoid all (once again ALL) contact with them. Do not call, e-mail, PM, morse code, smoke signal your ex. You will go back to day one of your break up when you do this. Subconciously I think they want to hurt you, so you can hurt like they did.

 

3)Break your patterns. Do not drive by your ex's place, work, hangouts. You will not accomplish anything but hurting yourself. How would you feel if you see him/her with another (back to break up day 1)? Find other hangouts, other routes to work, other places to workout May cost you some extra money to change locale but it saves on the pain.

 

4) Become obsessed with a project (this is essential) do some thing you always wanted to do, I don't care what it is. Make sure it involves other people (makes it social). Give yourself little free time. Its when were alone that the demons come.

 

5) know your mind, find out when you think about your ex, and plan accordingly. I know when I'm tired or really hungry or have nothing to do, her memory surfaces (and she's a scrub). WATCH HOW YOU TALK TO YOURSELF. Congnitive Behavioral Therapy adhears to: What you think is what you feel. This for me is very true. When I feel bad, I do it to myself, not her, not you, ME.

 

6) Lay off serious relationships for awhile...REALLY! When you do have down time from your now hectic life, that is when you go out with friends and get your drink/party on.

 

7) Hook up......Yes I said hook up! People, really much of the time all we miss is the physical closeness we had with our ex (for guys this is normally 90% true). My ex was a walking version of the Blair Witch Project (that was me standing in the corner LOL). The physical was all that kept me, even when s**t was really bad. I have found now adays many people are into no strings realtionships or "booty calls" if you will (many people just don't want the hassle of being emotional, or have time for a relationship). My advice is enter into negotiations with a perspective girl/guy. Negotiations should consist of the nature of the realtionship (physical+no drama). Both parties must agree or someone is going to get hurt. I believe that once the physical is taken care of and no relationship is assumed you can be free to work on yourself. The power of the ex will be greatly diminished.

 

8)Emergency measures: If you run into your ex. If you can roll out before they see you, bail. YOU CANNOT HANDLE what they have to say to you. If you can't bail, wave, smile, roll out (somethings are better left unsaid). If you are trapped and you have to talk, follow these rules A) do not give any info out about you B) do not request info about them C)You are busy, state this nicely, with smile, roll out. You have just saved yourself a ton of pain and you are also mysterious, they think that they're not worth your time (they're not).

 

8.5) After action: After you see you ex, your going to be a tad screwed up. Refer rule 1) talk to yourself like you are your significant other. Flood yourself with realistic positive comments and walk it off and GET BUSY DOING SOMETHING.

 

9) Alone emergency measures: A) Get busy doing something (make a card castle, exercise, whatever) B) instill this thought: My situation is not bad, there are people on this planet dying from killer waves, sleeping on the street, being abused by those who should be taking care of them or wasting away from disease, all I got is heart ache, I'm being a little B**ch. If your really hurting just roll into a cancer ward and try to explain your problem to people who are about to take a dirt nap, walk it off.

 

To close, I am well on my way to walking this off. Big part of it was lurking here. This is all that I have learned. You people rock. I'm gonna stick around because unknowingly you did the same for me. Point of interest, I have two dates lined up for the rest of FEB. I'm back!!! I would not change one single thing. What dosen't kill us make us stronger.

 

No Foolin