Text Messages

[LoyalGirl]

My husband is in an "emotional affair" with someone affiliated with his work. I found out about 3 weeks ago. We have been going to marriage counseling and he has been seeing an individual therapist as well. I have access to his cell phone records and he is still texting and calling this woman. Last month, he used 2500 text messages, most of which were to or from this woman. This month, when he is at work, he is sending or receiving about 10 texts per shift to/ from her. While this is a dramatic decrease, it is still unacceptable to me. He has asked me to "give him time" to sort this thing out and put the friendship in its proper place.

Each day is like a rollercoaster ride with him. One day he seems committed to me and our 3 children, other days, he is aloof and distant. I've read everything I can get about emotional affairs and I understand that there is a period of mourning and withdraw for the involved spouse while ending the affair.

I DO love my husband and want our marriage to work and I do believe that it is possible.

I guess my question is this: Those of you who have been involved in affairs (and even those who haven't) how do I deal with my husband on a daily basis? Do I try to help him through this? Do I give him some time to work on it himself? Do I throw him out?

Any food for thought is welcome.

[Mino]

My husband is in an "emotional affair" with someone affiliated with his work. I found out about 3 weeks ago. We have been going to marriage counseling and he has been seeing an individual therapist as well. I have access to his cell phone records and he is still texting and calling this woman. Last month, he used 2500 text messages, most of which were to or from this woman. This month, when he is at work, he is sending or receiving about 10 texts per shift to/ from her. While this is a dramatic decrease, it is still unacceptable to me. He has asked me to "give him time" to sort this thing out and put the friendship in its proper place.

Each day is like a rollercoaster ride with him. One day he seems committed to me and our 3 children, other days, he is aloof and distant. I've read everything I can get about emotional affairs and I understand that there is a period of mourning and withdraw for the involved spouse while ending the affair.

I DO love my husband and want our marriage to work and I do believe that it is possible.

I guess my question is this: Those of you who have been involved in affairs (and even those who haven't) how do I deal with my husband on a daily basis? Do I try to help him through this? Do I give him some time to work on it himself? Do I throw him out?

Any food for thought is welcome.

Hmmm, Just because there is a decrease, means nothing... He will go deeper underground... My mm w found his cell bill, we just stated emailing more... not using the phone.. wow 2500 text in one month... thats alot... This could have been going on longer you dont know... It took 2 years for my mm w to find out... Hire a PI... you will get the truth..

[Lizzie60]

My husband is in an "emotional affair" with someone affiliated with his work. I found out about 3 weeks ago. We have been going to marriage counseling and he has been seeing an individual therapist as well. I have access to his cell phone records and he is still texting and calling this woman. Last month, he used 2500 text messages, most of which were to or from this woman. This month, when he is at work, he is sending or receiving about 10 texts per shift to/ from her. While this is a dramatic decrease, it is still unacceptable to me. He has asked me to "give him time" to sort this thing out and put the friendship in its proper place.

Each day is like a rollercoaster ride with him. One day he seems committed to me and our 3 children, other days, he is aloof and distant. I've read everything I can get about emotional affairs and I understand that there is a period of mourning and withdraw for the involved spouse while ending the affair.

I DO love my husband and want our marriage to work and I do believe that it is possible.

I guess my question is this: Those of you who have been involved in affairs (and even those who haven't) how do I deal with my husband on a daily basis? Do I try to help him through this? Do I give him some time to work on it himself? Do I throw him out?

Any food for thought is welcome.

 

Wow.. that's a lot of messaging.. I would think that he was quite 'involved emotionally' with her.. it will take time..

 

How can you help? hard to say.. if you want to stay married to him.. then I don't think there is anything you can do.. really..

 

Will counselling help? I doubt it.. he hasn't stop with her.. so that's not a good sign.. Methink he will just wait for the dust to fall .. then he will start again.. this woman is in his work environment.. so that makes it harder for him to forget her...

[soda]

Each day is like a rollercoaster ride with him. One day he seems committed to me and our 3 children, other days, he is aloof and distant. I've read everything I can get about emotional affairs and I understand that there is a period of mourning and withdraw for the involved spouse while ending the affair.

I DO love my husband and want our marriage to work and I do believe that it is possible.

I guess my question is this: Those of you who have been involved in affairs (and even those who haven't) how do I deal with my husband on a daily basis? Do I try to help him through this? Do I give him some time to work on it himself? Do I throw him out?

Any food for thought is welcome.

 

LoyalGirl -- First, I'm sorry that you're going through this. I can empathize. I rode the rollercoaster for several months, even during MC. One day, she'd be so committed to our R that I believed things might turn out OK, but then I'd see the darker side of our marriage.

 

Don't assume that evidence that he's texting her less means he's in less contact. My W was really sneaky about covering her tracks, changing her methods of communication. Fewer emails usually meant that she was spending more time on the phone with him or seeing him in person.

 

I watched my marriage rapidly deteriorate as my W fed her addiction to the EA. My impression was that OM started treating her like crap once he figured out that my W would accept anything to feed the addiction. Our household dealt with her bad moods for his failure to call her back or email. When she wasn't making life a living hell for kids and me, she'd check her work email constantly in a desperate attempt that maybe he'd called her late.

 

It got to the point that I was embarrassed for my wife. OM saw her as a plaything, while I threw everything I had into my M...and yet, I couldn't please her.

 

My wife saw M as a chore. Affairyland was her drug...honestly, your husband is probably receiving less reward from the A than he's getting from you, but if he's like my wife, he's like a meth addict. He'll destroy everything around him before he fully understands what he's doing.

[carhill]

Welcome, OP

 

IMO, to get the fog out of his brain, H needs to do complete and verifiable NC. Inviting him to spend a month at the local holiday inn (that means he leaves the marital home) might get his attention and then, once you have his attention, tell him what you want. Choices have consequences and he's not immune

[soda]

One thing that I might add from my own experience...

 

You have a choice to make and you need to make it clear to your husband that you possess this choice and that you reserve the right to exercise your choice at any time in order to preserve your wellbeing.

 

At some point, you need to worry about your own happiness. To be honest, you sound like me...you went into marriage believing that marriage is until death do you part. Yeah, I did, too.

 

Your choice is simple...work on your marriage and hope he'll COMMIT himself to doing the same (this means absolute NC with OW.) Or, you can kick him to the curb and try again.

 

LoyalGirl -- we've been conditioned to think "all good guys are taken." That's bs. There are probably just as many fantastic guys who have been betrayed by a spouse as there are women who have been betrayed.

 

You seem to be suffering as much as I've been. To be honest, I wasted precious days of my life trying to make things work with a bad person.

 

Your H sounds a lot like my W. I tried, she won't...eh, why would I waste my time with someone who commit even when the M is in trouble?

[whichwayisup]

He has asked me to "give him time" to sort this thing out and put the friendship in its proper place.

 

That's a line of crap. They cannot be 'friends' anymore because the platonic line was crossed.

 

Basically it comes down to this. You or her. If he can't decide what he wants, then suggest a separation or mention divorce. That ought to wake him up. Also, ask him how HE would feel if the situation was reversed. How would he feel if you were texting back and forth, thousands of messages to some guy you worked with..Then you had the balls to tell him, "Give me time, I need to put the friendship back in place...Though I will still be seeing, talking and texting with him - Be patient, trust me." Yeah, like that would go over well!

[Angel1111]

By putting up with this behavior, you're only encouraging his disrespect toward you. If it were me, I'd tell him to leave.

 

If their amount of communication has really and truly dropped off, it's probably because this OW is horrified that you have found out about their relationship and has asked him to back off. But what would concern me more than the amount of texting is what he is saying in those texts. I had a friend who went through this and it was amazing the things the MM would say to her. I remember thinking that if his wife knew he was saying those things to another woman, she would go through the roof.

 

I think you, too, would go through the roof if you knew what your husband was saying to this woman. There is no way you should be tolerant of this for one second. If the two of you separate, it will most likely be his wake up call. If it's not, then you were going to lose him anyway.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

You need to think of your own happiness.

 

Can you/do you trust him? What was the reason he went to someone else for love, affection, attention and admiration?

 

Does he satisfy you in every way?

Do you satisfy him in every way?

Are you prepared to hear that he may not want to give her up?

Are you prepared to hear what he feels and thinks of you?

 

 

If you BOTH want this to work, this is only the beginning to many, many twists and turns and lots of baby steps.

[soda]

If their amount of communication has really and truly dropped off, it's probably because this OW is horrified that you have found out about their relationship and has asked him to back off. .

 

There's that possibility, too. I'd still say that the potential exists that your H has found a different means to keep the EA alive. At the very least, keep your ears and eyes open.

 

Your H is trying to define things on his terms. There is no expectation for you to remain "patient." You reserve the right to do anything including:

 

1) sending him packing

2) telling OW's spouse about the EA

3) demanding that he go NC with OW immediately

 

Heck, you might consider doing all three depending on how things play out.

 

Your husband is probably calling you "controlling"...he's probably redefining your marriage as "unhappy."...he's probably calling you "jealous." This is how cheaters play the game. He's pointing fingers at you when he really ought to be pointing them back at himself.

[mental_traveller]

They are screwing, divorce him asap.

[imagine]

Your marriage won't survive if contact continues.

 

You need to expose this to light of day. Suddenly, completely and overwhelmingly. Kill the vampire.

 

Notify: Husband's work /parents /his and your friends. Then other woman folks/ boyfriend?/ place of work. Do not do this out of vengeance, but rather enlist their aid in the project of rebuilding your marriage.

 

Believe me your husband will be hopping mad and start talking divorce and accuse you of sabotaging the marriage. Then tell him SOFTLY that it is he that has undermined your marriage and that you in fact are doing everything in your power to save it.

 

Look after yourself, don't let him see you moping around. Keep attractive.

 

Your husband needs to write a no contact(NC) letter or text but vetted by you. Check the marriage builder site for example of such letters.

 

PS. Your husband WILL become depressed once NC is in place.

[Angel1111]

Your marriage won't survive if contact continues.

 

You need to expose this to light of day. Suddenly, completely and overwhelmingly. Kill the vampire.

 

Notify: Husband's work /parents /his and your friends. Then other woman folks/ boyfriend?/ place of work. Do not do this out of vengeance, but rather enlist their aid in the project of rebuilding your marriage.

 

Believe me your husband will be hopping mad and start talking divorce and accuse you of sabotaging the marriage. Then tell him SOFTLY that it is he that has undermined your marriage and that you in fact are doing everything in your power to save it.

 

Look after yourself, don't let him see you moping around. Keep attractive.

 

Your husband needs to write a no contact(NC) letter or text but vetted by you. Check the marriage builder site for example of such letters.

 

PS. Your husband WILL become depressed once NC is in place.

 

If she does that, she can consider her marriage over. This would so insulting they would never recover. Yes, I know he has already insulted his wife but she is putting up with that. I doubt he would do likewise if she did these things. NC is not going to happen and I'm betting he won't agree to it. If he does, it won't last.

 

Don't ever waste your time trying to control or change someone's behavior. The best you can do is act based on what they are doing. In this case, they need to separate.

[Agent_99]

I am going to agree with others, that it is a good possiblity that the EA has just went under the radar. Them trying to "work" through this to be "just" friends will only bond them together more. It is NOT going to lessen the emotional bond, only give them another layer of depth to their feelings for each other.

 

I am the other woman in my affair. When I told my MW partner about the affair, it only caused MW and I to have something to work through and develop a deeper bond. If your H wants to work on his marriage with you, he can't have 'just' friends with his OW, at least not for a long time to come. He has to want to reconnect with you. replace his bond with her with a deeper one with YOU.

 

And you will have to be willing to create a deeper bond with him, and hopefully he will understand that his continued contact with her will only hinder the whole process, and possibly damage it beyond repair.

 

BUT he has to come to these conclusions himself. You can do things to force the situation, but in my opinion, that will only cause more issues. Hopefully he can be honest with himself about what he wants.

 

~99

[soda]

I am going to agree with others, that it is a good possiblity that the EA has just went under the radar. Them trying to "work" through this to be "just" friends will only bond them together more. It is NOT going to lessen the emotional bond, only give them another layer of depth to their feelings for each other.

 

~99

 

This is true. The truth is that they can't "just be friends" now. They crossed a line. Honestly, would you ever trust them to "just be friends" now? Wouldn't a part of you wonder if you weren't reliving the betrayal.

 

You've ridden this ride and you have the shirt...you don't need to go through this experience all over again.

[imagine]

Hi again LG

 

Also Hello Angel and Agent

 

I respect your courteous input. These deserve a complete answer. There are many dynamics in play which I simply cannot do justice to in this post. Nor am I qualified to do so.

 

I will refer again to the marriage builder site. A motivation is that there are thousands of posters writing in that extol the virtues of the system. I have monitored and tested those principle on that site. I invite you all to test it for yourselves.

 

Please understand that I am not asking you to change site loyalty. Extract pertinent information then return to this thread.

[LoyalGirl]

I hear what you're saying about the need for complete NC, but what if he seems to be torn about it? One day he seems committed to change, the next seems angry about it? What should I do?

[Angel1111]

I hear what you're saying about the need for complete NC, but what if he seems to be torn about it? One day he seems committed to change, the next seems angry about it? What should I do?

 

I agree with the above post about the marriage builder site. Lots of really good information there. But, I think even they say that there comes a point where separation may be the only choice. If he has agreed to work on the marriage, he needs to stay away from the OW. If he can't or won't do that, you're not gaining anything by putting up with it. But read what's on the site - it covers just about every aspect of affairs that exist.

 

Your husband's confusion is a sign that he doesn't know what he wants. Sometimes it takes separation to clarify things. I personally would not ever stay in the same house with someone who was still talking to the person they cheated with. To me, that's just a no-brainer and I don't need a psychologist or a marriage website to tell me what I should or shouldn't do in that instance.

 

I was actually in that very situation and I ended it quick. The thing is, he came back after about 3 mos, although we never completely stopped talking during the separation. We reconciled but it didn't work out. But that was because of a lot more issues than the affair that I won't bore you with.

 

I am personally not a fan of NC at all because I just don't see the point in it. It's too final and, as far as I'm concerned, should only be used in cases where the door should be closed once and for all - like with someone who was abusive or something along those lines. Otherwise, it just seems like a lot of self-imposed drama. I would think it would be impossible to go NC with your husband anyway since I seem to remember you saying that you had children. Despite that, though, I think you should leave the lines of communication open. You just don't need to put up with the nonsense that he's pulling right now.