Do I need to be alone or ?

[spookie]

Since the pissing episode, things with TT've been amazing. I took a little space where I needed it and the time we've spent has made me feel like he COULD be the one. He brings out the best in me, takes really great care of me; and thought he cynic in me can't help but see his goofiness, silliness, awkawrdness, at the end of the day he really is the only thing I care about. I'm happiest with him.

 

But every now and then... crazy spooks comes out and then I hate myself. And I want to get as far away from TT as I can. Cause I know I'll hurt him, and I know he deserves more.

 

Take last night.

 

His high school friends were in town. Minus the alcoholic thing (which is really more a several-scary-stories-fuled-by-typical-immature-insecurities thing than a real addiction, as far as I can see) TT's a really nerdy kinda guy. He won the math award in high school, has a 4.0, and is good at actuarial exams. He lived in a pothead frat house where lots of guys did coce but never tried drugs once. His friends were even more conservative, and quite a few were younger.

 

I know he wanted them to like me, but I knew there was no way they could.

 

Or is this the part I am wrong? They did make efforts to get to know me, and all WERE really nice.

 

But anyway, hating myself for where I come from, who I really am inside, and feeling insecure as s!ht that they could all see who I am... I got smashing drunk. And then some dude standing next to us pulled out a pipe and I immediately befriended him, spent 20 minutes getting stoned, and then, in the middle of the concert, pulled a drug deal. A couple of his friends wanted to smoke with me (for the first time in their lives) so we left the main group and I got them high.

 

When I smoke I eat or cry, and since there was no food, I spent the whole time thinking about Wesley. How the most intimate parts, I have forgotten: how it felt, to look in his eyes, and feel safe, and comfortable knowing there's no one in the world I could love more; how his muscles felt under his t-shirts; his smile, cooking dinner, waking up in the morning, the look on his face when he slept.

 

But then I'd look at TT, and think that maybe that stuff wasn't so important. He makes me so happy, and my feelings for him are growing. And he is so good, and pure, and I would trust him with my life. Maybe that's what's important: finding someone you can stay with, forever.

 

I know I ruined his night. He was disturbed to see me cry, especially for no apaprtent reason, when we were hanging out with his friends. And angry and frustrated that there was nothing he could say to make it better; after all, there's no way I was letting him in.

 

We were supposed to go to a Cubs game today but I really didn't want to, so I flaked, much to his disappointment, to spend the day alone, working out, making lists, and processing my thoughts. I think this is what leads to my freaking out like that in public: not getting a chance to be alone, to let myself unwind. I'm one of those people that needs a lot of unwinding.

 

He's been calling day trying to find out what's up but I really just want to talk to him when I can have him alone, when his friends are gone. Is that being selfish, or do I have to hang out with them?

 

And do I sound too crazy to be in a relationship? I like this guy so much but obviously I still have some emotional problems to work through. Is it asking for too much to ask him to be patient?

[Mermaiden]

holy !@$%^$## .are you actually on here admitting to making a drug de@l ?

What the hell ?

 

really besides that you sound like you need serious deep therapy for your self esteem issues.

you have to love you before you can love anyone else.

[Sks]

I don't mean to be "mean" or insulting but, why would anyone want to be around you when you exhibit these traits?

 

You made a drug deal, while going out with your boyfriend? Your nuts, not only did you insult him, you made yourself look like a total fool in the process.

 

The only thing you could have done worse is if you started banging one of his friends in front of him.

 

Don't drag anymore people into your problems, breakup with him and clean your ***** up before you date anyone else.

[spookie]

That's pretty harsh. I don't typically do drugs: last night was the first time since I met him.

 

What if he doesn't want to break up? Is it still the right thing to do?

[carhill]

Why did you feel like taking some drugs last night and do you see any connection between that and the stage of your relationship with TT? Any past patterns repeating themselves?

 

I wouldn't worry about TT. He's aware of you and who you are. He'll make choices he feels are right for him. IMO, I wouldn't ask him to be patient, wait, or anything else. Treat him the way you feel and let the rest just play out.

 

Stay safe!

[spookie]

Why did you feel like taking some drugs last night and do you see any connection between that and the stage of your relationship with TT? Any past patterns repeating themselves?

 

I wouldn't worry about TT. He's aware of you and who you are. He'll make choices he feels are right for him. IMO, I wouldn't ask him to be patient, wait, or anything else. Treat him the way you feel and let the rest just play out.

 

Stay safe!

 

Past patterns? Hlel yah... I was a pothead for years, even though smoking makes me feel SO miserable.

 

I feel so bad today about having pulled that little stunt around his friends last night. I know he's not mad, but what is wrong with me? Why did I do that?

 

I honestly think that I just need more time alone for this kind of stuff not to happen. I get crazy when I'm unhappy and the unhappiness builds up when I feel like my life is in pieces. TT and I have been spending every minute together, so I've neglected things like working out, which is making me feel badly about myself, and drink too much, and do drugs.

[Citizen Erased]

Will anything anyone on here says to you actually make any difference?

 

Keep doing drugs, stay with a guy that pisses on you like a retarded donkey. You will do it anyway. The only cravings you have are to draw attention to yourself.

[Balthazar]

If you wanted to get our attention, well... you did.

 

My advice to TT would be to get rid of you ASAP.

You're bad news and not relationship material.

(I am sure you realize this...)

 

It is one thing to be an independent, free spirited woman but quite another to just go off the bend.

 

You say you get "Crazy" and do such stuff; why would any sane male want to be with a someone who is like that?

 

Anyway, I hope you can work out your issues spookie.

I hope TT knows what he is doing.

 

CHeers,

[sb129]

That's pretty harsh. I don't typically do drugs: last night was the first time since I met him.

 

What if he doesn't want to break up? Is it still the right thing to do?

 

Spookie, sorry to be harsh, but this is an understatement somewhat.

You may not have done many since you met him, but I recall several stories of coke benders in dodgy circumstances earlier this year that were rather alarming.

And not doing drugs since you met him doesn't make up for the fact that you both have been regularly drinking heavily since you met.

 

I am not necessarily in a position to criticise recreational drug use per se, however the unsafe and embarrassing circumstances you continue to put yourself in when you do use are worrying. Especially since you know how pot makes you emotional, yet you did it anyway.

 

I have been in the situation where I was so nervous about meeting an exes friends that I overdid it a little and fainted, but it was at someones house, and there was no crying or anything involved. That was quite a long time ago, and I know my limits now- drinking myself to oblivion no longer holds a great deal of appeal esp since I have sorted my self esteem issues and got my head together. I used to drink alot to cover up the fact that i was insecure and underconfident and scared of being single and all of that, and I look back now and think WTF was I doing?

 

I saw a therapist and also grew up a bit.

 

I think you need some help for your drinking- drinking so much clearly impairs your judgement regarding the other stuff and it opens up the emotional floodgates to all the issues you haven't dealt with and are trying to escape from by drinking and doing drugs.

 

I know that drinking is socially acceptable and for a person your age its really common to go out alot. But you can STILL have a good time without getting trashed. The only way you will be able to do that though is to DEAL WITH YOUR DEMONS.

[xpaperxcutx]

Personally, I think you're trying to subconsciously sabotage your relationship with him. TT sounds like a great guy ( except for the whole piss on you thing) and you think you don't deserve him. Spookie, you have some problems with personal demons and its coming to a head about you staying with TT. I've done alot of things I'm not proud of, so I was pretty selfish myself when I broke it off with my ex when I saw the amount of pressure it was putting on me to not let him see my personal demons.

 

Anyways if you really like TT, you can either talk to him about your insecurities and hope he understands, or break it off here and now, since its always gonna be at the back of your head nagging at you.

[Ssheena]

C_E said it exactly thrown in with what sb129 said as well.

[shadowplay]

I think people are overreacting.

 

Spook, you've made a lot of good changes in your life. One night of excess hardly means you're totally out of control or unfit for a relationship. But I do agree with others that you need to stay away from booze to continue on an upward incline.

 

Personally, I don't think the drug deal was shocking or alarming (assuming it was only weed), or that your actions on that night were wildly out of control. Perhaps it's no consolation, but I can see myself having done something similar under those circumstances. I tend to "act out" around others when I'm feeling anxious and insecure. It's something I can only keep in check when I'm not under the influence.

 

You might want to be more tactful in the future, but any damage done you can easily recover from. TT is forgiving and open-minded, so I doubt you really fazed him.

 

I'm happy to hear your feelings for TT have returned. I was sure when you told me you had lost attraction for him that he was a goner. Perhaps for you having the initial spark is the most important part, which you only really had for TT and your ex (right?). That way when things are bad it justifies your continuation in the relaitonship.

 

As for missing your ex, I can again relate. Nostalgia ambushes me at random times. A passing scene on the road or song on the radio will trigger a memory and suddenly I'm mired in feeling. I often mistake the unshakeable confidence of those feelings for clarity. You're certain you've lost someone/something extremely important and that you will never recover from that loss. How can you reason your way out of this certainty?

 

But there is something masturbatory about revisiting those feelings, again and again, anticipating your predictable reactions. It's the relief of feeling anything, of feeling alive. Like when it feels good to cry and linger in melancholy. The perfection of those memories is untouchable. They will always be there for you to revisit, and keep you from risking your heart with another if you so choose.

 

It's like how some women watch the same chick flicks fifty times in order to feel something, even if the emotion is artificial and predesigned by cynical movie exces. By revisiting those memories of your ex you are also rehearsing a script in your head, acting on cue.