bish Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 First, HOPEFULLY I have been around here long enough to prove that I am an OK guy, and am just a part of this unfortunate "triangle"... I have read, and read, and read each of our stories and have seen "patterns" develop, but I still have questions that will probably remain inanswered, because every ones situation is unique. I would appreciate any Betrayed Husbands who could give me a little more insight to the following (and I am sure more to come) questions: I am trying to figure out WHY my MW's husband is not running to the Attorney seeking a divorce. This "exit affair" is not ending the marriage. 4 freaking years.... He knows all about it (well, a good part of it), so... 1. Why do you stay? I didn't stay. I tried, however, but for the wrong reasons. I wanted to stay to keep my kids in my home and for financial reasons. I learned quick that neither reason was good enough to stay with a cheater. 2. How long does your "denial" last? Denial of what? 3. How in the world can you even look at her? I couldn't. Thats why I divorced her. 4. What do you want/need to know about the affair? That it happened...nothing more. I didn't need to know details since I already knew she slept with someone else. thats all the detail I need. 5. I have read on here that the "resentment" just keeps growing and growing, is that true? It was for me. Thats why I got divorced. I suspect the guys that were betrayed that stay simply bottle up their resentment. I mean really...how do you end up being affectionate and loving a woman who spread her legs for another man during your marriage? 6. Do you realize that "staying for the kids" is not the greatest idea? (no disrespect meant) Again, yes I did realize that. 7. Would you rather it be that she truly fell in love with the OM or it just be a "mistake" cheating isn't a mistake. It is a deliberate act that is unforgivable in my opinion. My xW did fall in love with her OM, he is now in prison. Life is good.
bish Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 My motto is "The best revenge on a Cheating Husband is to STAY married to him!" I get revenge on him everyday by not ever loving him again in my heart.....and he doesn't he know it. When the time is right I will take my half of everything and kiss his cheating ass good bye. Than he can have all the hookers he wants! Hope that answers some of your questions! I cut and pasted this ...... I think this motto can go for BH as well... I don't think its the best revenge. All you really do is enable him in his own mind to cheat again if he so desires. Sure, I thought I wanted to stay with my xW so I could keep the kids in their home. But why would I want to be tied down to a cheater? I realized there were a helluva lot better women out there. And Mino, didn't you cheat as well? I thought I remembered reading that.
Owl Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 Thought for you, SD... You're only "the enemy" for as long as you're still engaged in or planning for the affair. If the affair is over...if you're done with the situation and no longer interested in engaging in cheating...you're no longer STILL the OM. And you're not "the enemy. 1. Why do you stay?- I stayed because she was my wife. Because I loved her as I've loved no one else. We had YEARS of a wonderful marriage before this happened. I stayed because I knew that she still loved me...and that our love had the foundation of years of a great marriage. I knew that the "issues" that led to this were treatable, correctable. 2. How long does your "denial" last?- define denial in this context. If you mean how long did I 'not want to believe that she could be cheating'...about two months. In reality, I knew that their relationship was a massive problem even before they'd admitted their love to each other. If you meant something else by 'denial'...lemme know and I'll address it. 3. How in the world can you even look at her?- Same way I looked at her the 17 years prior to her affair. Would I get angry sometimes looking at her...yes. But at the end of the day, I truly believed we'd work through things...and we did. 4. What do you want/need to know about the affair?- Everything. I had to forgive her for what she'd done. In order to do so, I needed to know the scope of what I was forgiving. How far/wide/deep the betrayal ran. I also needed to know the details on their communication, so that I could SEE the changes she made going forward, and could SEE that NC was in place. Also, the LIES were the biggest, hardest part to get past. Those lies were huge...but by finally getting the full truth about what happened...that was the first step taken to STOP the lies...to give me the full truth...to prove to me that she could be trustworthy NOW, if she wasn't during her affair. 5. I have read on here that the "resentment" just keeps growing and growing, is that true?- Nope. The resentment grows after a short period into recovery. It typically starts between 3-6 months, and as long as the marriage is making normal recovery, last through the end of the first year of recovery. It then fades pretty quickly for most, and is gone after about the 18 month post d-day timeframe, assuming both are working hard to recover. SOME can't get past the resentment...that's true. We see those posters on this board daily. But most CAN and DO. 6. Do you realize that "staying for the kids" is not the greatest idea? (no disrespect meant)- That depends. Sometimes, any reason to get the WS to stay, and to establish NC is good. Because once NC is established, and the WS stays and gradually permits the BS to 'fill the lovebank'...allows them back into their heart and their lives...the love resumes and returns. Now...staying 'for the kids', but still maintaining contact with the OP, and/or not making any OTHER changes to affair proof the marriage isn't a great idea...you're right there. 7. Would you rather it be that she truly fell in love with the OM or it just be a "mistake"- I'd have MUCH rather it had been a 'mistake'. It would have been far easier for her, far easier for ME to have recovered from. Hope this gives you some of the insight you're looking for.
Author stampdaddy Posted July 28, 2008 Author Posted July 28, 2008 Thank you for the responses, I appreciate it.. As far as DENIAL, I guess I mean alot of things, mainly, how long does a man walk through his life not believing that the affair was "real". That she couldnt have possibly loved/love him. I dont know..
Owl Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 Well...that aspect works both ways. If you'd have "won" her...do you really think you could have walked through the rest of your life wondering if she still loved him? After all, she'd still have sooo much that she'd still have to share with him. So much contact that she'd still be required to maintain, since they have kids. You're asking a question that you would have faced yourself, in the end. At least the BS gets the chance to believe that NC is in place. The OM/OW to a MM/MW with children won't get that for years/decades. I knew full well she was "in love" with OM after d-day hit. But I also know at the end of the day that I'm the one she chose to be with. And...I get to hear her tell me "I'm glad that things worked out between us...". I don't mean that as a mean thing to you, SD. But my point is, the BS in a recovered marriage gets the PROOF of the love at the end of it all. Now...if the marriage ends, and the WS ends up with the OM/OW...then of course, there's a different kind of "proof".
silktricks Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 i really wanted it to end. But on my terms:confused: I think BS fights because its the winning aspect of it, not love. They think they still love, but there is a fine line between love and hate. They already have been beaten down by the deception thus the low self esteem. By hanging on, it gives their ego a boost, they feel ok afterall, he / she does really love me, or its total revenge. Sure they use guilt, thats a great card to hold over someone head.sometimes its the only card . I have read that here many times before. The best revenge is to stay married to him/her. Make them suffer, and eventually years later, pay them back when they least expect it... So those are my observations. EGO and revenge... Mino, why don't you just say that YOU stayed for two things, ego and revenge? Why try to lump every single BS into your little tiny niche? It's not the same for everyone. There are millions of people in the world, why do you think that every single person on the face of the earth must fit into one little tiny behavioral hole?
bish Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 The best revenge is to stay married to him/her. Make them suffer, and eventually years later, pay them back when they least expect it... You mean as in this way?---> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t109108/ So you want to stay with your husband and cheat on him(or are you even still married?)...so you go out and cheat with a MM and become a party to his wife's betrayal? I'm sorry, but all your talk about revenge on a cheating husband looks ridiculous when you go out and do what you did.
Bh2008 Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 1. Why do you stay? Because I believe it was a mistake, and that she hates that she did it, Because she was not emotionally involved, and because I love her and we have a son. 2. How long does your "denial" last? My denial lasted about three weeks, i accepted some of it, but I'd say I really accepted it last night, when I went home and talked and cried and we almost gave up. (She held us together) 3. How in the world can you even look at her? Easy I love her, and I believe she is sorry. I don't look at her the same now and I don't know if i ever will. I look at her with a bit of a broken heart and let down eyes. 4. What do you want/need to know about the affair? I needed to know EVERYTHING, I couldn't have questions unanswered. I mean everything, I wanted to know I had the whole story and then decide if I can digest it. 5. I have read on here that the "resentment" just keeps growing and growing, is that true? I Hope Not, so far some days are good and some are bad, the bad seems to be a few seconds less each day. 6. Do you realize that "staying for the kids" is not the greatest idea? (no disrespect meant) You can't stay just for the kids, there has to be more but that more also isn't enough w/o the kid. 7. Would you rather it be that she truly fell in love with the OM or it just be a "mistake" Mistake, I feel EA is permanent, I need to know she hates what she has done as much as I do, and holds on to none of it as positive.
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