stampdaddy Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 First, HOPEFULLY I have been around here long enough to prove that I am an OK guy, and am just a part of this unfortunate "triangle"... I have read, and read, and read each of our stories and have seen "patterns" develop, but I still have questions that will probably remain inanswered, because every ones situation is unique. I would appreciate any Betrayed Husbands who could give me a little more insight to the following (and I am sure more to come) questions: I am trying to figure out WHY my MW's husband is not running to the Attorney seeking a divorce. This "exit affair" is not ending the marriage. 4 freaking years.... He knows all about it (well, a good part of it), so... 1. Why do you stay? 2. How long does your "denial" last? 3. How in the world can you even look at her? 4. What do you want/need to know about the affair? 5. I have read on here that the "resentment" just keeps growing and growing, is that true? 6. Do you realize that "staying for the kids" is not the greatest idea? (no disrespect meant) 7. Would you rather it be that she truly fell in love with the OM or it just be a "mistake" I will stop for now, until hopefully I get some responses.. THANK YOU for any insight you can muster for me, the enemy....
cyabye Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 As the OM yourself, why don't you ask yourself number 1, 2 and 3. I have no desire to help OM as I as a REAL MAN have no respect for your actions. cyabye
Author stampdaddy Posted July 26, 2008 Author Posted July 26, 2008 As the OM yourself, why don't you ask yourself number 1, 2 and 3. I have no desire to help OM as I as a REAL MAN have no respect for your actions. cyabye Fair enough...
Blue Eyed Brain Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 Stamp - I am bumping you because I feel these are valid questions that need answering. Best to you.
Crestfallen_KH Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 If it's been four years, how can it be an "exit affair"? Usually the person who starts such an affair actually exits (like my ex-husband and his married affair partner did)...
Author stampdaddy Posted July 26, 2008 Author Posted July 26, 2008 If it's been four years, how can it be an "exit affair"? Usually the person who starts such an affair actually exits (like my ex-husband and his married affair partner did)... Understood.. That is why I have the questions.. And maybe I am wrong to call it that, I "thought" it was or at least hoped it was.. Thanks
Lookingforward Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 Understood.. That is why I have the questions.. And maybe I am wrong to call it that, I "thought" it was or at least hoped it was.. Thanks But usually an "exit affair" is one that is used by the CS to give themselves the impetus to actually LEAVE, as they seem unable to do that without someone "waiting in the wings" (however short lived that R may be after the exit)..........an exit A isn't something you want to be.
Lookingforward Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 As the OM yourself, why don't you ask yourself number 1, 2 and 3. I have no desire to help OM as I as a REAL MAN have no respect for your actions. cyabye If you have "no desire to help" why even post that on the thread? I don't understand that mindset.
beautifullove Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 I think it's about winning. He just wants to know he's got the power. I believe that when everything is settled, the resentment will rip them apart.
cyabye Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 If you have "no desire to help" why even post that on the thread? I don't understand that mindset. That's a fair question. I guess I am still bitter from my particular situation. But I did reply with an answer regarding quetion 1,2 and 3. Stampdaddy, no offense to you as I do not know you and I am trying NOT to judge but it is hard not to. Do yourself a favor and dig deep down regarding this affair you are having. 4 years is a very long time. Is this what you really want or deserve in life? What about your morals? Self worth? Respect? I hope you figure it out. cyabye
OpenBook Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 I'd love to know the same answers from BW's who stay with their CH's!! I wonder if their reasons are the same. I highly doubt it. In fact, it's always been my impression that men typically find their W's infidelity to be unforgivable and insurmountable, and eventually divorce them. It will be interesting to see if you get any responses from actual BH's, stamp.
Author stampdaddy Posted July 28, 2008 Author Posted July 28, 2008 I'd love to know the same answers from BW's who stay with their CH's!! I wonder if their reasons are the same. I highly doubt it. In fact, it's always been my impression that men typically find their W's infidelity to be unforgivable and insurmountable, and eventually divorce them. It will be interesting to see if you get any responses from actual BH's, stamp. I will, because I genuinely care about them as well, and have proven so
Author stampdaddy Posted July 28, 2008 Author Posted July 28, 2008 That's a fair question. I guess I am still bitter from my particular situation. But I did reply with an answer regarding quetion 1,2 and 3. Stampdaddy, no offense to you as I do not know you and I am trying NOT to judge but it is hard not to. Do yourself a favor and dig deep down regarding this affair you are having. 4 years is a very long time. Is this what you really want or deserve in life? What about your morals? Self worth? Respect? I hope you figure it out. cyabye No offense taken, and I will look at the questions that I have posed, and have done so, and it aint pretty.. I am not a fool (I dont think?) I hope i figure it out too, and I will, and I hope this post helps me do so in part, hence the questions.. CY, thank you
Curmudgeon Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 1. Why do you stay? 2. How long does your "denial" last? 3. How in the world can you even look at her? 4. What do you want/need to know about the affair? 5. I have read on here that the "resentment" just keeps growing and growing, is that true? 6. Do you realize that "staying for the kids" is not the greatest idea? (no disrespect meant) 7. Would you rather it be that she truly fell in love with the OM or it just be a "mistake" 1. The first time because I wasn't 100% convinced it was an affair. The second time I didn't stay. I was convinced and I divorced her. 2. Denial lasted only until I had irrefutable proof. 3. I prefer not to. I divorced her. Had to stay nominally in touch because of minor children. Now they're all grown and gone, scattered in three states and four cities. Haven't seen, heard from nor contacted the in five years. May never again. Pure heaven! 4. Nothing! Just that it happened. 5. Nope. Ultimately it was her loss more so than mine. She has no one of any consequence and our children have no respect for her. 6. One of the worst ideas. 7. I couldn't care less! By the way, you're not my enemy. You can't be. You still have pulse and respiration!
whichwayisup Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 I'd love to know the same answers from BW's who stay with their CH's!! Start a new thread about it and people will reply. But, not on stamps thread.
Author stampdaddy Posted July 28, 2008 Author Posted July 28, 2008 1. The first time because I wasn't 100% convinced it was an affair. The second time I didn't stay. I was convinced and I divorced her. 2. Denial lasted only until I had irrefutable proof. 3. I prefer not to. I divorced her. Had to stay nominally in touch because of minor children. Now they're all grown and gone, scattered in three states and four cities. Haven't seen, heard from nor contacted the in five years. May never again. Pure heaven! 4. Nothing! Just that it happened. 5. Nope. Ultimately it was her loss more so than mine. She has no one of any consequence and our children have no respect for her. 6. One of the worst ideas. 7. I couldn't care less! By the way, you're not my enemy. You can't be. You still have pulse and respiration! thank you, CM
Curmudgeon Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 Start a new thread about it and people will reply. But, not on stamps thread. And that's a response to my post when threaded, why? Sorry, WWIU, but too many posts of yours immediately following mine that veer off into another direction and deflect attention. Not necessary. This is NOT a contest! I was on-topic!
angie2443 Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 And that's a response to my post when threaded, why? Sorry, WWIU, but too many posts of yours immediately following mine that veer off into another direction and deflect attention. Not necessary. This is NOT a contest! I was on-topic! I think this was for OpenBook, but I don't know.
Mino Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 I'd love to know the same answers from BW's who stay with their CH's!! I wonder if their reasons are the same. I highly doubt it. In fact, it's always been my impression that men typically find their W's infidelity to be unforgivable and insurmountable, and eventually divorce them. It will be interesting to see if you get any responses from actual BH's, stamp. I agree, very interesting thread.. Can I take a guess at it... I have been on the otherside of the fence many years ago, boyfriend cheated, thank god we broke up and he ended up marrying the girl.. Our R was already dead for about 3 years...but when I found out he had another, it was my EGO that went ballistic. I fought and fought for him.. crazy looking back, cause he was a guy with lots of issues, and i really wanted it to end. But on my terms:confused: I think BS fights because its the winning aspect of it, not love. They think they still love, but there is a fine line between love and hate. They already have been beaten down by the deception thus the low self esteem. By hanging on, it gives their ego a boost, they feel ok afterall, he / she does really love me, or its total revenge. Sure they use guilt, thats a great card to hold over someone head.sometimes its the only card . I have read that here many times before. The best revenge is to stay married to him/her. Make them suffer, and eventually years later, pay them back when they least expect it... So those are my observations. EGO and revenge...I have a friend whos man always cheats, every month a new one.. She once said, oh he will change, plus I invested so much time into his house, its like mine.. i dont want to give all that up... go figure...
whichwayisup Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 think BS fights because its the winning aspect of it, not love. You can't compare a boyfriend when you were younger to a marriage, when two people took vows, to create a life together, have kids, buy a house, have entwined lives. It's apples and oranges. A BS has every right to fight for their marriage.
Mino Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 You can't compare a boyfriend when you were younger to a marriage, when two people took vows, to create a life together, have kids, buy a house, have entwined lives. It's apples and oranges. A BS has every right to fight for their marriage. it was an 8 year R, in my thirties, we had the house the joint"stuff" didnt have the paper, but it was like a m in every other way...
Mino Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 My motto is "The best revenge on a Cheating Husband is to STAY married to him!" I get revenge on him everyday by not ever loving him again in my heart.....and he doesn't he know it. When the time is right I will take my half of everything and kiss his cheating ass good bye. Than he can have all the hookers he wants! Hope that answers some of your questions! I cut and pasted this ...... I think this motto can go for BH as well...
Daisyloo Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 1. Why do you stay? 2. How long does your "denial" last? 3. How in the world can you even look at her? 4. What do you want/need to know about the affair? 5. I have read on here that the "resentment" just keeps growing and growing, is that true? 6. Do you realize that "staying for the kids" is not the greatest idea? (no disrespect meant) 7. Would you rather it be that she truly fell in love with the OM or it just be a "mistake" .... Stampdaddy - I am in a similar situation, I'm the OW and my MM and his wife are not happy together but stay together (frustrating but fact). I guess in our situation we must ask ourselves 7 questions of our own ... 1) Why do WE stay? Madness, love, self-esteem? 2) How long does our HOPE last? 3) How in the world can we deal with them going home to someone else? 4) What do we want/need to know about the marriage? 5) Why is our resentment at the spouse not 'our' partner? 6) Is it fair on the kids for them to effectively 'choose' us over them? 7) Is it harder if this is really love or a mistake? These are questions I thought when I read your post and turned them round on myself. I love my MM desperately but increasingly feel frustrated and hurt and wonder how long I can do this. What are your thoughts??
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