Not sure ...

[I_am_Confused]

Hi, I've been a lurker here for a bit, reading these forums provided a lot of insight as well as helped me uncover the truth.

 

Long story short, I found pretty much all the evidence I needed and confronted spouse, who confessed.

 

My dilemma is whether or not to tell the OW's H. I know I would want to be told, but is it worth it to tell? I don't know if I like the idea of a vengeful OW coming after me. Do you think if I provided the evidence I have to the OW's H and asked him to cross reference with their phone records and OWs whereabouts, he would leave me out of it?

 

This part of what I wrote (but haven't sent, yes I found OW's H's e-mail address, since he works for a public university):

 

I don’t want to come across as vengeful, or a bitter woman, but had it been the other way around, I certainly would have wanted you to try and figure out a way to find and contact me. Fortunately XXXXX isn't as slick as he thinks he is. I confronted him, and before I showed him everything I had, he confessed. He says they haven’t seen or talked to each other in weeks, and that he broke it off. I don’t know whether or not to believe that story.

I do not think I want to share any correspondence with you after this as it would just add more pain, but I thought you should know. My only request is that you keep me out of it; I’d rather not have a vengeful spouse come looking for me. If you can figure out a way to present evidence without resorting to my phone records, I would like that.

 

I made a spreadsheet showing all the calls made and taken... from my (ex?)H's cell. I would think OW's H would need something like that, but again I am not sure if I want to risk anything coming back to me.

 

Any thoughts or opinions would be appreciated.

 

Thank you.

[stampdaddy]

I will tell you that you will get BOTH sides of the fence on this one, and BOTH will have very good points. It will have to be a decision that YOU make..

 

I will bet that your H has contacted his OW (and dont you dare buy that BS that they ended a few weeks ago and that HE ended it).

 

My opinion is that if you contact anybody, have your H contact her in front of you, make him tell her that her H will soon be presented with ALL of the evidence so she better step up tp the plate and come clean... But again, I am sure there are valid arguements to NOT do what I just suggested...

 

I will be watching your story. Hang in there

[imagine]

If you want to make sure that the affair has stopped, expose. There is nothing like embarrassment and humiliation that takes the fun out of an illicit relationship. Your spouse is not off the hook. Don't let yourself become a soft target

 

Absolutely contact OW husband. Explain to him this strategy I recommend that he too may benefit.

 

Do not warn anyone. If the affair was conducted through a work environment - notify that work. Do nothing in vengeance. Think only of restoring an honest, loving marriage.

 

Check out marriage builders in regards to rebuilding your marriage.

[soda]

Imagine makes some good points. You have no responsibility to let your H off the hook, especially if you are considering divorcing him.

 

My own story: My W is having an EA and has been for some time. Even after being confronted, she's continued her damaging behavior to the point that I don't want to make my marriage work any longer.

 

I've suffered through the ordeal. At the very least, my wife gets to suffer the exposure of her crummy behavior...as does OM's SO and my wife and OM's mutual employer.

 

There's nothing wrong with telling the truth. You have that on your side. H does not.

 

If you want to make sure that the affair has stopped, expose. There is nothing like embarrassment and humiliation that takes the fun out of an illicit relationship. Your spouse is not off the hook. Don't let yourself become a soft target

 

Absolutely contact OW husband. Explain to him this strategy I recommend that he too may benefit.

 

Do not warn anyone. If the affair was conducted through a work environment - notify that work. Do nothing in vengeance. Think only of restoring an honest, loving marriage.

 

Check out marriage builders in regards to rebuilding your marriage.

[I_am_Confused]

Okay, I again confronted H to ask him to prove he is the one who ended it. He produced the final e-mails he sent / she sent. He is the one who said good-bye and that he couldn't "be in her life anymore." His time table seems to match all the phone records and e-mail records (he gave me access to the e-mail account... I must say I am shocked to some of the things that were written, this was very much an EA. Why couldn't he say those things to me?)

 

The kicker? He didn't end it to save our marriage, but to protect her from getting caught. The only reason I found out, was I went to go upgrade my cellphone, and while I was there I wanted to discuss the plan we were on, and see if we could save any money... and when I saw the printouts (we do paperless billing) with all those TNs I didn't recognize... wow. From there it was just a matter of cross-referencing and doing a little digging (Google is your friend!).

 

H is repentant, and willing to accept whatever comes his way - to the point of being willing to get his a** kicked by OW's H, if that were wanted (not that it will happen, I won't mention that should I decide to contact OW's H. I don't want to become involved in their issues when I have mine to sort out. I also would rather hope that OW's H uses what I have in order to put his own evidence together and not have to use mine).

 

H will get what is coming to him, whether I decide I want to work this through or divorce.

 

Thank you for the replies and encouragement.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah well, he needs to do alot of legwork for you to give him another chance. He ended his affair because of the OW, NOT because of you. What a schmuck! Take your time and see how you feel.

[stoopid_guy]

I know you're hurt, and probably want to strike out at the OW, but how much do you know about her?

 

Was this a one-time poor judgement, or is she a habitual home-wrecker? Its unlikely she was trying to hurt you. Yes, what she did was wrong, but if you reveal it it may destroy her family. Does she have kids? Do you know her husband? Do you want to give him evidence if he files for divorce?

 

How much responsibility do you want to take for their lives? She may go ahead and try to get her marriage back on track. Do you want to take her choice away from her?

[soda]

Yeah well, he needs to do alot of legwork for you to give him another chance. He ended his affair because of the OW, NOT because of you. What a schmuck! Take your time and see how you feel.

 

Agreed. Since it appears that OP husband isn't considering OP's needs at this time, she needs to take care of herself.

 

Original Poster -- if you're not 100% convinced that your H has ended all contact, please understand that YOU don't have to protect OW...like your husband appears to be doing.

 

Yes, your H needs to bend over backwards to work on the marriage. He will eventually ask this question...as if all the problems in the M were your fault.

[I_am_Confused]

Thanks for the feedback and support.

 

As for contact between my jerk... my H... and the OW, I'll never know 100%, I can't be with him 24/7, but I now monitor his computer time at home, he isn't allowed to clear cache, history, private data, etc... He definitely isn't using the phone. He has also taken another job, one that won't have him doing overnight jobs. We live about two hours away from OW, so it should be somewhat difficult for him get away, since I keep track of time now. It is somewhat ridiculous that I have to turn into a babysitter... not sure if it is really worth the effort, and I am pretty exhausted mentally and emotionally.

 

As for H protecting OW, yes, he asked that I don't go forward. He says he started, he ended it, so he should be the one to take the blame. "Two people (us) are already ruined, why ruin two more?" he says. Please, make no mistake, I am not considering doing this out of vengeance, but out of a sense of empathy for the OW's H.

[2sunny]

just so you know - if he wants to keep in touch with her - he will find a way.

 

a pay as you go phone wouldn't show you his phone or text activities to her. also some are set up with internet too so he could email her from that or a cyber cafe or the library with a "new" email address that you never see a bill for.

 

i know some jerk that literally has about ten e-mail accts that his wife doesn't know about. neither do his O,O,O,O,O Women (yep plural).

 

if they want to correspond - they will find a way - and keep the secret hidden better than before. certainly he must run an errand without you once in a while. or a sports activity with a friend or group every now and then. believe me - if they want to find a few minutes/hours to keep the affair going they will go to extremes to hide it from you - and to find stolen moments to keep her strung along for the ride.

[Mr. Lucky]

My dilemma is whether or not to tell the OW's H. I know I would want to be told, but is it worth it to tell? I don't know if I like the idea of a vengeful OW coming after me. Do you think if I provided the evidence I have to the OW's H and asked him to cross reference with their phone records and OWs whereabouts, he would leave me out of it?

When you strip away all the lies, drama and general BS that comes from these situations, the remaining question is:

 

What would you be looking to accomplish by telling him?

 

Mr. Lucky

[soda]

When you strip away all the lies, drama and general BS that comes from these situations, the remaining question is:

 

What would you be looking to accomplish by telling him?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

She could accomplish bringing the truth out in the open. If she wants to save her marriage, I think that exposing the truth makes the affair a lot less attractive to H and OW, which gives OP a fighting chance to work on her marriage.

 

As much as she'll crush the OW's spouse, she'll also give him the information he needs to decide whether he wants to work on his own marriage.

 

Having been betrayed, I know that the marriage tends to go south long before the affair becomes exposed. For a long time, I was concerned that my wife's constant bad mood at home toward me and kids was because of something I was falling short on. It was only later that I came to know that home was not "affairyland," and it was not where my wife wanted to be.

 

OW's husband deserves the truth just as much as any of us would want.

 

The real question is:

 

If you were being betrayed by your spouse, would you want to know?

[imagine]

When you strip away all the lies, drama and general BS that comes from these situations, the remaining question is:

 

What would you be looking to accomplish by telling him?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Both the OW and your husband have residual feelings for each other. These feelings may be reignited by a glance.

 

Exposure will temper this. Call it insurance.

 

OW and H clearly have an issue. Namely that OW is predisposed to an affair. All is not well in the state of Denmark. OWH needs to know the problem so that he can fix it. OW needs to become painfully aware that dalliances wont go undiscovered.

 

Or one can leave them in a state of false security and say "That's someone else's problem!"

[Chrome Barracuda]

OW's H deserve to know the truth, dont let your WH blind you to the facts once it's all out on the table the affair will end one way or another.

 

IT's not about vengence, it's about the truth. Who knows what else this woman has been doing behind her husband's back?

 

If my wife was cheating I would want to know. I'm not a stick my head in the sand kind of person.

[imagine]

Hey IAC

 

Sorry I didn't read Soda's post before I sent mine. I see that I repeated a lot of what he was saying. I hope then that confirms what we are saying.

 

I would like to plug for your husband at this point:

 

He ended the affair probably for the sake of their marriage as much as for her.

He may have seen that the OW had become seriously emotional and may have wanted to escalate matters.

I suspect he recognized his responsibilities and wanted to do right by you as well.

He would not have necessarily mentioned yourself in the break off e-mail so as to let OW down as gently as possible. (Unfortunately, this leaves the door open for the affair's continuation).

I believe that he is contrite and is trying to restore trust in your relationship.

I believe that he wanted to protect you from his indiscretion.

I think that he tried to do right in a ****ty situation.

For this aspect, he has my respect.

 

Please note that had he confessed of his own, there would be a much shorter road to regaining your trust. Of course, there would still have been drama but I think, less trauma.

 

The moral being, that if truth will out, let the guilty be the first to confess.

 

However, your husband does not have the steering wheel in the progress of your rehabilitation. Only you do. I continue to recommend disclosure to OWH for all the same reasons mentioned in previous posting.

 

Use this event as prompt to "affair proof" your marriage. I once again recommend your visiting the marriage builders site. I have recommended it to an awful lot of other posters!

[silktricks]

The kicker? He didn't end it to save our marriage, but to protect her from getting caught.

 

Did he tell you this, or did he tell her this? If he told it to her, I wouldn't necessarily believe it. Some men are really weird. They will say the strangest things thinking that it will "hurt less" when they break up with someone.

 

If you talked to him about it and he verified that's why he broke it off with her, then you've got some real thinking to do about what you really want.

[I_am_Confused]

(Darn, I must have timed out, I had a rather long post, so I'll just make this short and sweet)

 

Again, this isn't about revenge, it is about moral obligation.

 

I don't want to say that OW is a "home wrecker", I believe affairs are a symptom, not a cause, of something wrong in the marriage. Looking back, there were tell-tale signs that H and I both should have seen. This isn't self-blame, H isn't a particularly horrible person, he just did a particularly horrible thing.

 

H actually started seeing a therapist/counsellor a few weeks ago, before any of this came to light, so I believe he is trying to work something out in his head (heart?).

 

Can I be 100% certain he isn't talking to OW? Of course not. But so far he has given given me full disclosure, and I have been reading every single e-mail he has sent to, or received from, OW. Could there be another e-mail account? Sure. But he must have a lot of them (he gave me two, one of which he had cancelled, but forgot to confirm).

 

The e-mails have been an... interesting read... they hurt to read, but at least I am seeing everything (for the most part). It appears he tried to get out of this a couple of months ago, after she almost got caught, but they talked about it, and decided to just lay low for a bit. To see the transformation from a PA to an EA is probably the hardest for me...

 

Whether H and I work this through or not, at least he is trying to be sincere.

[whichwayisup]

You could install a keylogger to see if he does have another email account.

[Mr. Lucky]

Again, this isn't about revenge, it is about moral obligation.

Moral obligation to whom? There are two equally culpable people here, your H and the OW. There is at least a chance that you will attempt to forgive him and work on saving your marriage. Why not give her the chance to work on hers?

 

As a former BS in my first marriage, I know the knee-jerk position is always "they're getting what they deserve". While I don't expect my position to be a popular one, I came to learn that life just isn't that simple. People make mistakes. Good people do bad things. Smart people do stupid things. It's the flaws that make us human...

 

Mr. Lucky

[I_am_Confused]

Obviously, this is a decision only I can make. I will try and wait until I can be a little more objective of the question at hand - "to tell or not to tell?" In the meantime, H and I will discuss what to do with us.

 

 

And for those interested:

 

I am pretty convinced H hasn't talked to OW. OW sent an e-mail to him last night, it basically read "When will you start speaking to me again? I'll miss you until you come back."

 

I have just finished reading all the e-mails, at the end of the A, OW stated that her marriage was starting to turn for the better, but she wanted to stay friends with H. H said he couldn't do it at this time. That was over two weeks ago. H stated he worded it that way, not to leave the door open, but to make it less "rude".

[flipbook]

Based on the last e-mail from OW, she hasn't given up on your H yet. And although your H might not have intended, by responding that he couldn't stay friends "at this time", he is giving her hope, whether false or not, that they will eventually get back together one way or another. It's not about being rude. IMO, he's leaving the door open. He should know that for the A to be effectively over, he has to be firm and go completely NC.

 

For you to think about: are you okay with your H being friends with OW in the future?

 

And from the sound of it, your H still cares about her, more than he does about you. I'm sorry if I'm blunt. And without trying to make this some kind of a power-game, do you want to be the second? Aren't you mad that he puts her interest first before yours? I'd go berserk. He should focus on you now, not her.

 

If I were you, with this last "hint", I'd let the OW's H know, not just so he could decide on his M, but also so he could help your M by making OW to give up on your H. My 2 cents.

 

I wish you all the luck and strength.

[Mr. Lucky]

Obviously, this is a decision only I can make. I will try and wait until I can be a little more objective of the question at hand - "to tell or not to tell?"

A good idea. I can only imagine (or remember ) how crazy your state of mind must be right now. Probably good to let time give you a better perspective on ALL the decisions you have to make.

 

Hope it goes well...

 

Mr. Lucky