How should I tell him ?

[Inmisery]

Whats the best way for me to tell my ex how I see what happened with our relationship and how we can fix it?

 

We have a stormy relationship and he has moved out and back in several times and I am sure he is so sick of it by now. This last time I made him leave because he broke a promise. Though, the day he left he kissed me very lovingly and said "the silly things we do to each other" then left for work. I haven't seen or talked to him since, this was last week. I have been searching for answers and I now completley understand what our problem is and how we can fix it. I do know we love each other so much and I know this can be mended only if he wants to try with me again because I really love him and sure miss him and I am partly at fault.

 

The day he left I was soooo mad at him and changed my phone # . I haven't tried to call him because I don't want him to have my # until I know he wants to work it out with me. So the only other thing I could do is to email him. My problem is I don't know what to say to him or how to say it. I have to swallow my pride to tell him I'm sorry and I know I was partly at fault but he was too big time. How do I tell him this stuff without making it sound like I am attacking him, blaming him etc...?

 

Thanks for any help

[motive2002]

What is the issue? Why did you kick him out the first time? What promise? I want to get a better idea the magnitude of what we're talking about and if it's worth all this drama or not.

Maybe that's the question you should ask yourself. What's the issue and is it worth the drama?

[Ronni_W]

I have to swallow my pride to tell him I'm sorry and I know I was partly at fault but he was too big time. How do I tell him this stuff without making it sound like I am attacking him, blaming him etc...?

In my own experience, when it feels that I am "swallowing pride", my heart has not yet reached a place of genuine owning up to 100% of MY part. IME, genuine apologies and making amends come from true self-forgiveness and forgiving the other, and don't co-exist with thoughts of pride/ego.

 

And of course, it is also impossible to NOT sound like blaming when there is a thought that "he was at fault big time" -- that is what 'blame' looks like when it is in action .

 

I dunno...maybe it would be okay for you to take a bit more time and do some more self-reflection before you approach him?

[Inmisery]

Motive, Understandable you ask these questions so I will try and explain a little. He is an addict and relapse after we agreed he can move back in and we work on our issues. Well I found out he had relapsed a couple months ago and hid it from me (thats what addicts do ) I realize that. So I got angry at him instead of helping him realize and for him to go to AA more often but instead I kicked him out.

 

Is it worth it? All I know is he is the only person I have had in my life who gives me the love I had always wanted, but now I wonder if its all a lie or for show, manipulation or whatever. If I had not reacted the way I did which showed him I was not understandable and in control of my feelings things would have turned out differently I think.

I would love to hear from you again Motive

 

 

Ronni, Well you are partly right but as I explained to Motive the reason why I reacted the way I did. He was at fault for relapsing but I was at fault for how I reacted. I own up to that 100% and I think he ought to own up to his half of this problem. I wonder if he will. Or maybe he'll think this is too much hassle. Any relationship he will encounter from here on will be the same as this until he gets completely sober but I am wondering if our relationship will leave bad reminders in his head. I want to be with him so much and I want him clean and sober with me and not someone else later on down the road.

 

Ronni, you are so right about the pride and ego thing and you responded to what you saw. Only I didn't really mean it that way i guess, I should have said 'taken the initiative' instead of swallowing my pride. This isn't about my pride. I am sorry for misleading you. I would love to hear from you again after my correction.

[Ronni_W]

I prefer to think of relapse as a 'weakness' than a "fault", but that likely is just my own filter. (To me, weakness leaves more space for improvement, greater strength, etc. "Fault" just sounds like there could be too much to overcome.)

 

Unfortunately, his addiction is something that he must choose to want to permanently release. It isn't about what you want but about what choices he is willing to make for himself. To worry that he might get clean and sober and then end up with someone else is rather an unnecessary burden that you are choosing for your self, IMO. Nor is it about what part of things you think he should own up to -- he gets to decide that for himself, as well.

 

If it is a pattern where he promises, then relapses, then lies, I would say that perhaps the best thing for both yourself and for him is to just let him carry on, on his own. Sometimes addicts need to hit their rock-bottom, and enabling their addiction (by taking responsibility, making excuses, saying that we somehow reacted inappropriately to their lies and broken promises) actually just prolongs their eventual recovery.

 

It is always okay for you to say no to behaviours, attitudes and circumstances that you do not wish to be involved with. That is not rejecting him, but HOW he is choosing to handle (or not handle) his issues. You are not obligated to deal with his problem if he does not choose to also deal with it.

 

I get what you are saying about taking the initiative to contact him. I am not sure if that might turn out to be another enabling action.

 

Sorry that you are going through this. It is tough when you love someone who appears to be on a self-destructive path, but do recognize that it is about his own Soul Purpose and Life Lessons. As such, there is very little that you can actually do to influence things...changes must come from him. (((hugs)))

[Inmisery]

Hello again Ronni, I want to thank you so much for your understanding and very helpful advice! You speak well.

 

I know what you are saying is so true. I guess I just wish he didn't have these issues and that I wasn't such a B$tch! I feel so bad about my own reaction and I really need to improve on that. He has issues and so do I. We are not perfect. I just hope we can still work on this and only time will tell, but for now I will wait and not contact him. If he wants to contact me then I think we may have a starting point. I sure do miss him though.

 

thank you for your hug and sympathy It means alot to me and hugs to you too.

[Ronni_W]

I guess I just wish ... that I wasn't such a B$tch! I feel so bad about my own reaction

Just my opinion, but I think it is perfectly fine for you to give yourself permission to forgive yourself . And by the time you accomplish that, you will find as a bonus, that you are in a much better position to forgive him for his issues, too.

The fact that none of us is perfect is the very reason that we need to brush up on our 'forgiveness skills'...and practice it every chance we get, too. Otherwise we risk just dragging ourselves too far down, with self-recriminations, guilt, blame, etc.

 

You were stressed...you reacted in a way less than your self-image and goal for yourself. That's all. Next time, you will certainly have intention to do better. And one of these fine days, you will achieve your goal. No worries.

[awkward]

Have you thought about blocking your number and calling him? You could say that you just called to apologize about the way you acted and see how it goes from there.

[Inmisery]

Hi again and Thanks so much for replying again!

 

Thank you Ronni for your kind words and yes I think I have learned a valuable lesson. I am not proud of myself right now but I hope soon I will learn to forgive myself. I don't know If I will if I never get to work this out with him but I guess in time I will.

Yes I was very stressed! but I like your comment on my goal and I will use that as my goal and surely will do better next time!

 

Awkward, thank you too for your advice! I never thought of that! I have never done that so could you tell me how to do it (block my call ) ?

I guess I will rely on my gut instinct to tell me when the right time will be to do this.Not sure when the best time is do you?

[LoveLace]

I lived with a very serious addict (not romantically).

 

Keep in mind that addicts (maybe unknowingly) are talented at manipulating relationships, in ways that enables their habit. One example is when my former roommate was using, he treated me like I was his best friend in the world, but outside of that, he didn't care less. Caring about him made it easier to accept his "disease". Caring about him made it easier to forgive the ways his behavior effected me. This is why addicts are advised to avoid important relationships for some time after treatment. Your acceptance of the problem will be used to his benefit (this is "co-dependency"). The addict is then lead to believe that it might be ok to relapse, and they forget they are hurting someone at the same time. If they can not learn to recover without a constant shoulder to lean on, it's harder to recover at all. This is why many situations ultimately end up with this: "Choose the drugs or me".

 

So I don't think you over-reacted by kicking him out. And for him to call it "silly" tells me that he has yet to see this problem to its full extent of seriousness. It is not silly that he relapsed and it's not silly to lie. His passionate kisses are likely part of the manipulation I talked about. Not that he doesn't really love you - but this was his way of dealing with guilt.

 

He needs time (sober time) without you, at least for a while. This the kind of incident that can easily repeat itself and you don't want that.

 

Not that he doesn't need your support; but there is such thing as too much of that for an addict.

[Inmisery]

Lovelace I am so glad to hear your reply! thank you so much for clarifying what I didn't understand. Now I understand my feelings better when I care about him ( and love him) makes it easier to accept his disease! What a pattern to reconize. If I appologize he may accept that as my acceptance of his addiction\abuse.

 

I know I did the right thing by kicking him out again. That tells him I won't accept his behavior, but I do want to appologize for my behavior such as how Ronni put it in his message above. I am ashamed for how I handled the situation. I still want to work on our relationship without him living with me if he wants to.

 

Your right about the "silly". I feel he's not taking his issues seriously and furthering his manipulations. I want him to see that. Most times addicts don't really see what they do but it helps if someone points them out. This is one of the things I would like to explain to him if I ever get the chance.

I fear he is heading for another deep fall now that he's drinking again because he's more concerned about not doing the drug thing than the drinking problem. I thought he realized that the two go hand in hand.

 

Thank you so much for your help! I certaintly learned something from you today.

[LoveLace]

Glad if I helped.

 

My former roommate also tried "just drinking" but that didn't work. He went right back to the other things too; and the combination is a lot more lethal than just one vice alone. If he's drinking he needs more treatment. (and not just meetings...many attend meetings and still drink otherwise). He needs daily contact with a sponsor.

 

It's reasonable to say you'll try to work on the relationship while he doesn't live with you. But his top priority needs to be this problem. You should vocalize to him that you will support him as a good friend from afar, but there is no chance of a relationship with you until he can remain sober. Trying to work on your relationship and deal with his problem at the same time would likely be too much pressure for him; he might not see it that way though. First he has to focus on getting healthy; then he will be able to think clearly enough about the relationship with you.

 

As a friend you can call occasionally to see how he's doing; you can attend meetings with him once in a while; there are also support groups for those with addicted loved ones. But in the meantime it has to stay within the boundaries of friendship, and keep reminding him it won't be more unless he's successful with sobriety. And there's a chance it will never happen; be prepared for that possibility. Some can only remain sober for short periods of time and it becomes a viscious circle; your relationship would mirror that. So, there's only so much you can do for so long even as just a friend. He has to want to help himself; only let him rely on you enough to where he's still doing it on his own. Tell him you can work on the relationship when he's sober and feels ready.

[Ronni_W]

Glad if I helped.

Lovelace,

I also want to add my thanks for the education -- so nice to have an easy-to-understand, down-to-earth perspective that is ALSO enlightening. Have saved the post ID should I need it in the future.

LoveShack does rock! Thanks again.

[awkward]

Hi again and Thanks so much for replying again!

 

Thank you Ronni for your kind words and yes I think I have learned a valuable lesson. I am not proud of myself right now but I hope soon I will learn to forgive myself. I don't know If I will if I never get to work this out with him but I guess in time I will.

Yes I was very stressed! but I like your comment on my goal and I will use that as my goal and surely will do better next time!

 

Awkward, thank you too for your advice! I never thought of that! I have never done that so could you tell me how to do it (block my call ) ?

I guess I will rely on my gut instinct to tell me when the right time will be to do this.Not sure when the best time is do you?

 

I have never done it but have heard of people doing it. I googled it and came up with this link.

 

http://www.howtodothings.com/electronics/a1942-how-to-block-your-cell-phone-number.html

 

It looks like *67.

[LoveLace]

Lovelace,

I also want to add my thanks for the education -- so nice to have an easy-to-understand, down-to-earth perspective that is ALSO enlightening. Have saved the post ID should I need it in the future.

LoveShack does rock! Thanks again.

 

Well it's good to know I've learned stuff even if it was the hard way; but when your so involved with the person, it becomes your problem too and you have to cope just as they do. What I went through was quite emotional, for both of us. He's clean now. But he did enough damage to the friendship to kill it. I couldn't even forgive him once he got sober. Yet, it was me that basically saved his life. We were also never a couple though, so its a little different. Anyhow, addicts have a stage of acceptance to get better, and their co-dependents have to go through the same phases. I highly reccomend counseling because it can be a real roller coaster.

 

I also reccomend watching "Whan A Man Loves A Woman" (Meg Ryan) if you've never seen it; it's a very good example of how addiction effects relationships (before and after sobriety)

. Some programs even the show the film to people who are getting treatment.

[Inmisery]

Nice to hear from you all again. Needless to say I have been doing alot of soul searching and thinking about what Lovelace said and boy it bites! I know she is right and I don't think I am going to contact him at all. IF he wants to contact me he sure knows where I live! So I think its best to just let things lie the way they are.

 

Lovelace, I called today as a matter of fact for counseling. My first appt. is this Wed. I was surprised to get in so soon. Thank god I have insurance! I feel this relationship really messed with me. Lovelace, I wanted to say I feel for you and I am sorry you had to experience that. Yes, you like me had learned the hard way. I know I will never become involved with an addict ever again. As far as my b\f is concerned, I thought of many things today and all the what if's. I like you think he has caused enough damage and is always lying and breaking promises etc... IF he truly loved me he wouldn't do this, This is not normal and I want a normal relationship!!!

No I never seen that movie, I will surely rent it and watch it. I love Meg Ryan anyways, she is a good actress!. Now I can't wait to watch it.

Thanks so much!

 

Awkward, Thank you for your info. I will try it and I think you are right from what I remember someone else doing it. I don't think I will do it right now though, I just need some time and space and healing. I am glad you came back to give me that information, Much appreciated!!

 

Ronni, Sounds like you have been in somewhat same situation, have you?

[LoveLace]

Well it definitely sounds like you are on the right road so far. If your BF could get on the same path, there's a chance your relationship could resumer one day and be more healthy...if you want it, that is. Sounds like he hasn't accepted his behavior though. Take advantage of your insurance for as long as you can; talk with friends as you need to...maybe he will never heal but you most likely will. Eventually, I'd say there's a good chance that he will just find someone new and put them through the exact same misery.

 

If he's not attempting contact with you at all, it probably means he's using.

[Ronni_W]

Ronni, Sounds like you have been in somewhat same situation, have you?

Not exactly the same, no. When I was way young, I did have to change and get an unlisted phone number to put a stop to middle-of-the-night drunk/high calls but I don't recall that as being too difficult a decision (after enough of such calls, that is.)

 

But the insight and info that LoveLace offered is very valuable to me as a mentor/Big Sister.

 

I appreciate your interest, and wish you all the best. As LoveLace said, it does sound as if you are on the right track ... congrats! :bunny:

[Inmisery]

Hi again, Funny you say that Lovelace about him meeting someone new and will do the exact same thing with her. The night we had our 'out' I told him to go find someone else he can scam. Then, the day he left I said to myself I feel sorry for the next victim!

 

Yeah, I am beginning to see that its his pattern. Just like a sociopath. Boy they sure are convincing though. I thought he really loved me for many reasons but maybe it was fake. It was all about him.

 

Ronni, Ok I understand now. Its so good you never got caught up with this kind of mess!

 

Thanks alot everyone, I will most likely be back and do an update and help others when my heart stops aching so much

 

cheers