Being Told You're Second Fiddle - Your Reactions?

[Ingenue]

I imagine it happens a lot in relationships. One partner, for whatever reason, feels the relationship isn’t growing, progressing or connecting in the way s/he would like. Rather than vocalize to his/her partner what is wrong and work on it, that partner soon begins to fantasize that a better match out there exists. S/he begins to dream about how green the grass is on the other side of that fence.

 

This is my situation. My partner of 5 years recently broke up with me (by email) to let me know that he couldn’t convince himself that I was the one he wanted to settle down with. He wanted to date others to see what else was out there to learn about himself and relationships. He isn’t a young man and has had decades to sow his oats.

 

In a subsequent email he admitted that I was second fiddle. Presumably it’s a miscalculation on his part because while many people think it, very few actually admit it to their partners. In essence, he declared that he still loved me, but that he didn’t want to poison my mind with negativity about what went wrong in the relationship because he felt that should his explorations not succeed, we might want to try to make the relationship work.

 

I suppose I should commend his honesty in admitting that should his wanderings into greener pastures fail miserably, his return to me would be settling for second best. It’s every girl’s dream! But I’m having some difficulty processing being told I’m the fallback girl and not having the closure discussion as to what went wrong so that I can grow as a better person in my next relationship. It’s certainly a crush to the ego and self-esteem. At times I feel angry that he honestly believes that he can place me on the back burner and come back. At other times, I find it amusing that he’s admitted this is his strategy. And other times I just feel numb.

 

I’ve gone no contact with him so that I can heal and move on. He’s offered a phone call but I’ve declined it. I know that I deserve better than a man who will settle for seconds. But, for those who have encountered similar situations, how do you reconcile those emotions and react? How do you stop loving somebody who hasn’t told you to go away and hasn’t provided you with any sense of closure? How do you pick yourself up after realizing that the man you’ve shared many years of your life with, thinks of you as only second best?

[nopainnogain]

Being told your a second fiddle is better than being strung along. I was strung along and told I was #1 while the whole time I was probably #3.

[Lishy]

This is a really hard one.

 

He has been honest with you and for that be thankful. You cannot stay in a relationship that you are not happy in and it would have been far worse if he had stayed quiet about his feelings as he would have started to treat you badly.

 

He needs time to see how he feels and I agree that you hsould not hang around for him.

 

I feel your only course of action is to ignore all of his contact and do not contact him. Myabe you were going nowhere and maybe he has done you the biggest favour by ending it? You will know in time!

 

Remember, everything happens for a reason so try to keep busy, be around people who love you and try to be as happy as you can be

 

When you have a bad day just ask yourself if you would be happier if you was with the man who thought he could do better!

 

Good luck honey and keep on posting x

[motive2002]

This raises a question. Why hold out until you realize you're not satisfied with a relationship? Why not work things out as you go?

 

Anyway that's probably for a different thread altogether. I've been the second fiddle and it sucks. Some people can't be honest about their feelings and get the issues they need resolved, while others can't ever be content with what they have and are always looking for the "bigger, better deal" as they say.

Us single men are usually notorious for that kind of thing.

 

I suppose I should commend his honesty in admitting that should his wanderings into greener pastures fail miserably, his return to me would be settling for second best. It’s every girl’s dream! But I’m having some difficulty processing being told I’m the fallback girl and not having the closure discussion as to what went wrong so that I can grow as a better person in my next relationship. It’s certainly a crush to the ego and self-esteem. At times I feel angry that he honestly believes that he can place me on the back burner and come back. At other times, I find it amusing that he’s admitted this is his strategy. And other times I just feel numb.

 

Commending his honesty? How about throwing all of his things onto the front lawn?

I'm going to be frank here and say that perhaps settling for the #2 spot suggests some area of your self esteem that could use some improvement. I know because I've been there. I still have self esteem issues to work on, but I know this is a definite boundary for me. I may not have the self respect to guide me, but at least the sense to say "get lost" if I get this kind of treatment.

I hope this doesn't offend you in any way. I guess what I'm trying to say is why hold out for someone that sees you as the "for now" woman, when you can find someone else that will make you the center of their universe? I know being alone sucks, but I think it will be worth the wait to find someone that thinks you're #1.

 

Just my thoughts.

[Lishy]

I agree that you think about ever going back

 

He is bound to realise the grass is not greener but let us hope that you have moved well on by that time!

 

His loss!

[motive2002]

Self respect. Yeah I'm ranting. You're worth exactly the same as everyone else. Not more, not less. Your interests are important. Your values are important. No different than anyone else.

 

The "for now" guy has some maturing left to do. Some guys never grow up. Believe me, I know haha!

[Lishy]

Hey you cannot diss the guy for not wanting to be with her but the problem lays with how you deal with this when you are hurt and upset

 

self respect is key!

[bentnotbroken]

I deal with by hoping his d*c* catches something and falls off. Seriously, I pray. I know that I deserve the best and if he isn't treating me like I am the best, then he needs to step out of my life quickly(usually with a boot to the splittocks.)

[Ronni_W]

But I’m having some difficulty processing being told I’m the fallback girl and not having the closure discussion as to what went wrong so that I can grow as a better person

(((HUGE hugs)))

Honestly, I don't think it is "honest" to tell someone that they are my fall back plan...it is just plain stupid (or an indication that I think THEY are too stupid to comprehend my low opinion of them.)

 

In his cowardly way (an EMAIL break-up after five years!?!?!), he certainly has told you to "go away" -- but just not too far so he can't claw you back at his whim or leisure.

 

Whatever "went wrong" is within his mind and heart. I am almost 100% convinced it had nothing to do with anything you did or did not do. It seems much more that HE needs to "grow as a better person" and improve his own attitudes and perspectives.

His dysfunctional way of dealing with things is NOT an indication that you have anything to worry about, with regard to your ability to have a positive, healthy relationship.

 

Your closure, I think, will come if you do not judge yourself from within a perspective of how he's treated you. Remind yourself who you are; your strengths and talents and values ... and contrast that to what the evidence is showing who he is, right now. And THEN make a well-informed decision as to who is really lacking what, in this situation.

 

I am sorry for the pain and bewilderment you no doubt are experiencing, and wish you well in moving through and far beyond it. Sending Light and Comfort.

[Ingenue]

Commending his honesty? How about throwing all of his things onto the front lawn?

I'm going to be frank here and say that perhaps settling for the #2 spot suggests some area of your self esteem that could use some improvement. I know because I've been there. I still have self esteem issues to work on, but I know this is a definite boundary for me. I may not have the self respect to guide me, but at least the sense to say "get lost" if I get this kind of treatment.

I hope this doesn't offend you in any way. I guess what I'm trying to say is why hold out for someone that sees you as the "for now" woman, when you can find someone else that will make you the center of their universe? I know being alone sucks, but I think it will be worth the wait to find someone that thinks you're #1.

 

Just my thoughts.

I only commend his honesty because at least he was frank about his true feelings. As a poster said, it's better he admit it than string me along. Also, I'm not the type of person to throw possessions onto the lawn (call me too rational). I have put his gifts and belongings away and out of sight, erased his messages, deleted his number, erased his emails. It was all rather cathartic.

 

And absolutely no offense at all. I'm not settling for second best. I'm moving on. Some days it's just difficult emotionally and that's what I'm trying to reconcile. It has only been about a month since the break-up so I'm still processing and working through my emotions. Certainly time and distance will afford me the objectivity to see the flaws that, that opiate "love" often masks.

 

He raised this issue with me before, suggesting that perhaps he could date other people while we were in a relationship. This was after being together for 5 years. If he had raised this after a year or a few months of dating, I probably would have wholeheartedly supported it and agreed that it was healthy if we both dated others. But after 5 years, I would imagine people would be sure. I told him flat out that if he wanted to pursue others, he was welcome to, but our romantic relationship would end there and I would not be waiting for him nor would I be there when he came back. He's weighed his options and chosen to pursue this route. I'm moving on.

 

Hey you cannot diss the guy for not wanting to be with her but the problem lays with how you deal with this when you are hurt and upset

 

self respect is key!

Absolutely Lishy. I don't fault him or blame him or resent him for what he's decided. Every individual knows him/herself well enough to know what's best. The key for my self-respect has been going no contact and not resorting to name calling and behaving in a manner that is un-Ingenue like. I've attempted to maintain my dignity through all of this. I don't respond with unkind words or behaviour that I would be embarrassed about if I reflect on it in a few years. I take the position that the way we behave in stressful situations, is a great measure of our integrity. He chose to break up through email. That speaks to who he is as a person. He emailed me three times and I ignored them, until my conscience realised that I needed to be conscientious. I sent an email informing him that I wasn't being rude by not responding, but I would be taking time for myself. That email made me feel so much better because despite all of this, I realised that I am not going to sink to his level. I live my life as best I can, as responsible as I can and as conscientiously as I can. I am a better person for it (or at least I like to think).

 

Whatever "went wrong" is within his mind and heart. I am almost 100% convinced it had nothing to do with anything you did or did not do. It seems much more that HE needs to "grow as a better person" and improve his own attitudes and perspectives.

His dysfunctional way of dealing with things is NOT an indication that you have anything to worry about, with regard to your ability to have a positive, healthy relationship.

I like to approach any situation as an experience to learn. I've had five great years with him and I've grown as a person. I suppose I just wanted to be able to take something from the relationship, for him to articulate what it was that was lacking, so that I could grow and learn and apply those lessons for my next relationship. In some ways, I feel my personal growth has been denied. But in others, I see that you can only control your own behaviour. Thank you for your reassuring words Ronnie. You're right that he also needs to grow emotionally. I really hope that he does, for his own sake and for the sake of his future relationships.

 

I know that I deserve the best and if he isn't treating me like I am the best, then he needs to step out of my life quickly(usually with a boot to the splittocks.)

Absolutely. Every individual deserves to be treated with kindness and respect. I will find a man who treats me as if I am the best. I sometimes just wish it didn't take him 5 years to come to that conclusion.

 

I've always heard that living well is the best revenge. I'm on the path towards that. Some days my strides are bigger than other days. And on the days when I take baby steps or stumble, I chalk it up to the rawness and shock of emotions that I'm still experiencing. I imagine in a few months, I'll be more rational and calm.

[Angel1111]

I was there once with a husband who cheated and then acted confused about what he wanted to do. My response: file for divorce.

 

Whether you still love him or not isn't relevant. He hammered the last nail in the coffin with his email, and your relationship has just reached the point of no return. But, seriously, there is no way in hell that I'd let him think for a second that I would be around when or if he returned. Forget the one phone call (what is this, prison?). I would send an email to him that said something along these lines:

 

"Thank you for your honesty and I really do wish you the best in your search for the right person. But if that doesn't work out for you, please be aware that it won't be possible for us to resume our relationship. You made the choice to end it - via email, no less - and I choose to keep it that way. Good luck."

 

What do you mean that he hasn't told you to go away? Do you need those exact words to get his message? I know it's tough and you won't reconcile these feelings and emotions anytime soon. But I think you understand that there is nothing more futile on this earth than trying to negotiate another person's feelings. He did what he did and has left you no other choice. Sometimes people just aren't compatible, that's all.

[Ronni_W]

I like to approach any situation as an experience to learn. I've had five great years with him and I've grown as a person. I suppose I just wanted to be able to take something from the relationship, for him to articulate what it was that was lacking,

Yes, exactly, that is my approach too. And if I may, it DOES seem as if you have and are continuing to grow from your experiences, past and current, with him. How to say? -- It just seems as if you will in any case be taking many lessons and much learning forward with you, whether or not you ever hear his opinions/beliefs of it. You do seem to have the self-awareness and self-management that would preclude 'missing' significant opportunities for self-growth.

 

And, if my perceptions about that are even close to accurate, wouldn't it point to the possibility that the "lack" may be more on his part? -- HIS lack of self-awareness, lack of vision, lack of clarity is what is driving HIS current behaviour. Not that he is a "bad" human being...just that he may not even have anything more to add to your already well-honed sense of your Self, your Purpose and your Lessons...perhaps just not now, perhaps not ever.

 

But again...just my perception, for the two cents it is worth .

[elaina]

I imagine it happens a lot in relationships. One partner, for whatever reason, feels the relationship isn’t growing, progressing or connecting in the way s/he would like. Rather than vocalize to his/her partner what is wrong and work on it, that partner soon begins to fantasize that a better match out there exists. S/he begins to dream about how green the grass is on the other side of that fence.

 

This is my situation. My partner of 5 years recently broke up with me (by email) to let me know that he couldn’t convince himself that I was the one he wanted to settle down with. He wanted to date others to see what else was out there to learn about himself and relationships. He isn’t a young man and has had decades to sow his oats.

 

In a subsequent email he admitted that I was second fiddle. Presumably it’s a miscalculation on his part because while many people think it, very few actually admit it to their partners. In essence, he declared that he still loved me, but that he didn’t want to poison my mind with negativity about what went wrong in the relationship because he felt that should his explorations not succeed, we might want to try to make the relationship work.

 

I suppose I should commend his honesty in admitting that should his wanderings into greener pastures fail miserably, his return to me would be settling for second best. It’s every girl’s dream! But I’m having some difficulty processing being told I’m the fallback girl and not having the closure discussion as to what went wrong so that I can grow as a better person in my next relationship. It’s certainly a crush to the ego and self-esteem. At times I feel angry that he honestly believes that he can place me on the back burner and come back. At other times, I find it amusing that he’s admitted this is his strategy. And other times I just feel numb.

 

I’ve gone no contact with him so that I can heal and move on. He’s offered a phone call but I’ve declined it. I know that I deserve better than a man who will settle for seconds. But, for those who have encountered similar situations, how do you reconcile those emotions and react? How do you stop loving somebody who hasn’t told you to go away and hasn’t provided you with any sense of closure? How do you pick yourself up after realizing that the man you’ve shared many years of your life with, thinks of you as only second best?

 

I am so sorry.

 

To me, this shows me that he doesn't understand what true love is. If a person truly loves, they will not wish to find someone "better" and say if they can't find that person, then they will come back to you... that's not love at all, that's just ridiculous.

 

This has nothing to do with you... he just obviously has a character flaw and needs to get a reality check. And he might just get one too! People who look for greener pastures often find themselves being left for greener pastures... sort of ironic how that works out.

 

I experienced something like this once with a guy who I had been dating for just a couple of months. He thought I would be a wonderful wife someday and the perfect Mom for his kids, but I don't drink and I don't go to clubs and he wanted to do that, so he wanted to find someone more compatible with him in that area. That was fine with me cause he didn't like going to museums and going fishing and doing things I personally thought were fun so it was just better for the both of us, even though I did sort of entertain the idea of getting back together when he decided to settle down, but who knows when that would be and I didn't want to wait.

 

I think it is good though that we went our separate ways, and I'm glad he let me know he was unsatisfied with our differences before a long time passed, cause thank God I didn't get very emotionally attached to him. Five years is a long time to get emotionally attached, and I bet it is hard for you to let him go, but please know that you are NOT SECOND FIDDLE!!!

 

Getting busy and having fun and meeting people and spending time with family and friends help. Please do not spend very much time alone dwelling on this guy. This is a good time to prepare yourself for someone "better" who knows how to love and who accepts you and doesn't take 5 years to make up his mind about anything!

 

Peace and take care of yourself

[Taramere]

for those who have encountered similar situations, how do you reconcile those emotions and react? How do you stop loving somebody who hasn’t told you to go away and hasn’t provided you with any sense of closure? How do you pick yourself up after realizing that the man you’ve shared many years of your life with, thinks of you as only second best?

 

I'm not sure. I was in that situation several years ago, and I certainly wouldn't say I did a very great job of picking myself up from it. In fact it took me far longer than I feel it should have done to recover.

 

Even during the relationship, I was always plagued by a certain lack of respect for him. I felt that because I was physically comfortable with him, and we had fun, intense conversations and enjoyable, playful sex, then this meant that I was in love with him. But I had low expectations of him. For instance, I wasn't surprised when I discovered that he'd cheated on me. I didn't have as much respect for him as I wanted to have. The sense that he wasn't very authentic often flashed through my mind, and I'd suppress it before I had a chance to experience that feeling properly. I wanted the relationship to work. I was determined to make it work.

 

When it didn't work, and he made it very clear that he regarded the prospect of being with me as "settling", the defence mechanisms kicked in. Because his personality was very narcissistic I read up on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and "diagnosed" him in my own mind. I decided that he wasn't really capable of empathy or love. I attempted to turn everything I remembered him as being into some kind of lab specimen. And it was easy to do that, because in many ways he was a pretty strange individual.

 

I'd convince myself that I'd identified indicators that I was over it...but I'd still think about him, and I cried when I heard he'd become engaged (something that apparently didn't work out).

 

At some point he just stopped being of any interest to me. and I can't pinpoint when or how it came about. I wish I could, if that would help you, but it's just like a dot that gets smaller and smaller until one day you happen to look and it's gone. But that relationship is still a reference point for me, because it was the longest one (albeit on and off) that I'd had.

 

Reflecting on it, I think what made it hardest for me to get over it was not that he considered being with me "settling" - but that I knew being with him would constitute settling for someone who I didn't regard as being that strong a character. A fun one, certainly...but generally a weak, chameleon like character who was very easily influenced by other people. Not a man who, if I was honest with myself, I was proud to call "my boyfriend."

 

Yet I was prepared to settle for someone I had such a tepid connection with; lie to myself and pretend the relationship was more rewarding, stimulating and emotionally intimate than it was. And the fact that this man, who deep down I didn't respect all that much, was more honest than I was in admitting "I would be settling" made me ashamed of myself. I thought I was ashamed because he didn't regard me as good enough for him...but the real shame, when I look back on it now, was that I wasn't as honest about the limitations of the relationship as this man, whose authenticity I questioned, was able to be.

 

Being honest with myself is something I place a high value on. How could I be less honest than someone like that? I could rationalise it and say "he was honest because he'd become sexually bored of me. It's easy to be honest with someone when you don't want them any more..." And there's truth in that I think. But still. I persevered in trying to make a mediocre relationship work. Worse still, I took some pride in doing so. And it's the shame of doing that, rather than the distress of being made to feel "second best" that I think I found it difficult to recover from.

 

If I'd loved him unreservedly, in a strange way it might have been easier to recover from. But when you don't love and respect someone unreservedly, all the time you're with them you're subconsciously compromising. Brainwashing yourself with the notion that it's a great love story - when it isn't really.

 

The fact that you're looking at this in terms of whether you are good enough indicates that you're assessing yourself from his perspective rather than simply getting on with the business of being yourself and doing what makes you happy. That's how you lose your own identity. Once you get it back, I think you'll be better placed to see that it's the relationship that's second rate. Not you, not him...just the connection between you. The more you try to strengthen a second rate connection, the more you might lose yourself. Until you feel third rate, fourth rate....

[Ingenue]

What do you mean that he hasn't told you to go away? Do you need those exact words to get his message? I know it's tough and you won't reconcile these feelings and emotions anytime soon. But I think you understand that there is nothing more futile on this earth than trying to negotiate another person's feelings. He did what he did and has left you no other choice. Sometimes people just aren't compatible, that's all.

 

I fully realise that another individual cannot legislate the emotions of another. It's why I'm accepting the reality of the situation and moving onwards, trying to live in the present. You're right that he's told me to go away, but not far enough so that he can access me at his pleasure. I think what I'm attempting to reconcile is the lack of a clean break-up. I'd much rather be unequivocally dumped. Make no mistake of course, I am proceeding with my life, grieving the relationship and living my life.

 

Yet I was prepared to settle for someone I had such a tepid connection with; lie to myself and pretend the relationship was more rewarding, stimulating and emotionally intimate than it was. And the fact that this man, who deep down I didn't respect all that much, was more honest than I was in admitting "I would be settling" made me ashamed of myself. I thought I was ashamed because he didn't regard me as good enough for him...but the real shame, when I look back on it now, was that I wasn't as honest about the limitations of the relationship as this man, whose authenticity I questioned, was able to be.

Tamere, in that sense, I am thankful that he chose to end it now, instead of 3 kids and 5 years of marriage later. As unpleasant as the truth is to hear at times, it is ultimately worth hearing.

 

At some point he just stopped being of any interest to me. and I can't pinpoint when or how it came about. I wish I could, if that would help you, but it's just like a dot that gets smaller and smaller until one day you happen to look and it's gone. But that relationship is still a reference point for me, because it was the longest one (albeit on and off) that I'd had.

I imagine that's how it's going to be for me one day too. I'll wake up and be able to reflect on the good times, appreciate what we had, but only remember it as a memory, nothing more, nothing less. That relationship probably will be a reference point for me as well since it too was my longest and it was my first love.

 

Talking about it certainly helps and compared to a month ago, I'm in a much better place. I'm not crying incessantly and wallowing in grief and going through boxes of tissues. I have some really amazing days where I just stand back and appreciate my life, my family, my friends. Those are the days when I think to myself, 'you know, I'm really in not such a bad place after all.'

[borelandkaren]

Sorry to upset you but a big fat F@CK OFF is all that comes to mind for me in this situation!!!! How dare this big headed egotist tell you you'll always be second fiddle! Who is he?? QUITE OBVIOUSLY SOMEONE VERY, VERY IMPORTANT to be able to tell someone else that he MAY come back at some stage if things don't turn out for him! Pfft!!! Kick this d@ckhead to the curb and get on with your life. Don't waste another breath or thought on him. He is worthy of neither. :mad:

[Ingenue]

Sorry to upset you but a big fat F@CK OFF is all that comes to mind for me in this situation!!!! How dare this big headed egotist tell you you'll always be second fiddle! Who is he?? QUITE OBVIOUSLY SOMEONE VERY, VERY IMPORTANT to be able to tell someone else that he MAY come back at some stage if things don't turn out for him! Pfft!!! Kick this d@ckhead to the curb and get on with your life. Don't waste another breath or thought on him. He is worthy of neither. :mad:

 

I should probably clarify as I wasn't entirely clear on my first post, that he never explicitly stated "you're second fiddle". As I outlined in my initial post, he declared that he loved me and didn't want to introduce any negativity into my thinking and that perhaps we could make the relationship work down the road after he had spent this period of exploration, learning about himself while he dated others and if I didn't find anything in the interim. He didn't blatantly say "you're second fiddle", but I interpreted the intent of his words as implying such. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he didn't mean that, but his words suggested it. I never bothered to ask him for clarification. I just wanted to clear that small point up.

 

He is not here to defend himself. Before anybody calls me a doormat, I would like to state that I'm simply trying to be as objective in my presentation of the occurrence as possible which is why I felt it necessary to clarify that point. I don't want to demonize my ex because as lovely as it is to entertain angry thoughts, being angry just seems counter productive to my own growth. As others have said, it's a compatibility issue. I will always be appreciative of his honesty, perhaps not so much the method in which he expressed it, but at least he was honest with me. Obviously it goes without saying that you are only hearing my side of the story. Perhaps I'm misinterpreting his words. Perhaps I'm colouring it with my own interpretation.

 

I think I just don't want to end up leading the virtual village to a burning at the stake. He is a good guy (lousy at break-ups) and I'm sure that someone out there will find him to be a good guy too, when everything clicks between the two of them.

[Lizzie60]

At least he was honest about it.. how many guys/women out there do the same thing but just don't say anything.. they either break and go on 'exploring' what's out there.. and if they don't find anyone or just get bored.. come back.. and the woman/guy takes him/her back.

 

OR

 

they just do it behind your back.. and if they find someone they like better.. they dump you...

 

he was honest.. but I would still kick him to the curb...with honesty.

 

His loss... period!

[Ronni_W]

, being angry just seems counter productive to my own growth.

I totally get what you're saying about detached observation and objective compassion. BUT. There can be a heck of a lot of valuable self-learning available by allowing and exploring our "ugly" emotions, too. On the other hand, if you've already traveled that Path and discovered yourself from that perspective, then there's absolutely no reason to re-experience .

[Lishy]

I agree completely that you should refrain from the anger, it serves no purpose other than to give you more anger lines, and who needs them eh!

 

I stand by what I said, you are lucky he had the decency to tell you, lots of guys would have done the dating behind your back and then just blanked you completely until you got the message

 

I believe he has broken up with you but just tried to lessen the blow. He sounds like he has alot of repect for you in a weird way.

 

Let him go honey, and never let him back

 

He had his chance and he blew it!!!!!

[Taramere]

He is not here to defend himself. Before anybody calls me a doormat, I would like to state that I'm simply trying to be as objective in my presentation of the occurrence as possible which is why I felt it necessary to clarify that point. I don't want to demonize my ex because as lovely as it is to entertain angry thoughts, being angry just seems counter productive to my own growth. As others have said, it's a compatibility issue. I will always be appreciative of his honesty, perhaps not so much the method in which he expressed it, but at least he was honest with me. Obviously it goes without saying that you are only hearing my side of the story. Perhaps I'm misinterpreting his words. Perhaps I'm colouring it with my own interpretation.

 

I think I just don't want to end up leading the virtual village to a burning at the stake. He is a good guy (lousy at break-ups) and I'm sure that someone out there will find him to be a good guy too, when everything clicks between the two of them.

 

You sound very objective about this. As you have clearly shown, you're not prepared to act like patient mother of a curious toddler - hovering at a safe distance while he explores. And why would you? You're his partner and his equal....not his mummy whose role in life is to provide a safe haven to come home to.

 

For romantic purposes you'd be better off with a fellow adult, Though this guy may have many positive qualities, and while he might even express himself in mature and articulate terms, that doesn't mean he has the mindset of an adult man. For a start, from what you say, he has very little idea about what he wants in a partner. Just some vague notion that there might be greener pastures out there. Perhaps he never will know. Especially not if, as you say, he already has decades of dating experience behind him.

 

With your outlook, you're bound to do just fine forging your own path in life for a bit, until a more compatible partner comes along.

[sedgwick]

I was second *to* the fiddle.

[trulysomething]

I was second *to* the fiddle.

 

hahahahaha...not really funny, but you're one funny lady.

[Lishy]

I was second *to* the fiddle.

 

 

OMG That was hilarious Sedge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:laugh:

[Ingenue]

I totally get what you're saying about detached observation and objective compassion. BUT. There can be a heck of a lot of valuable self-learning available by allowing and exploring our "ugly" emotions, too. On the other hand, if you've already traveled that Path and discovered yourself from that perspective, then there's absolutely no reason to re-experience .

 

Oh yah, I'm a seasoned traveller on the angry path of life. It's not pretty and I much prefer myself this way.

 

For romantic purposes you'd be better off with a fellow adult, Though this guy may have many positive qualities, and while he might even express himself in mature and articulate terms, that doesn't mean he has the mindset of an adult man. For a start, from what you say, he has very little idea about what he wants in a partner. Just some vague notion that there might be greener pastures out there. Perhaps he never will know. Especially not if, as you say, he already has decades of dating experience behind him.

 

I think you're right about this one. In some ways I feel that his unwillingness to articulate the problems is more an inability to do so. I suspect that he himself doesn't even know what he's looking for and can't define what it is he'll find.

 

Time will tell what happens and I do wish him the best of luck in his pursuits and experiences.