Madeleine-May Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 My boyfriend and i have been together for almost 4 years and for the most part it has been very good. We get along great, we rarely disagree and we've never really had an argument. He's kind, caring and very attentive when we're together and he's very affectionate and cuddles me all the time. He likes to "look after" me wherever he can and often buys me groceries, gas, clothing and pays my bills. I very rarely ask him to help me out, he just does it. (I struggle on a low wage, whereas he is quite wealthy) He takes me out regularly, cooks dinner when we're together, frequently tells me i'm wonderful and calls me every day without fail. He sounds perfect doesn't he? But... - He has never told me he loves me (other than a couple times when he's been drunk!) - Although he kisses me a lot, he will not kiss me passionately. - Our sex life has become virtually non-existent (he says he worries about pleasing me and as such simply avoids any sexual contact) - The frequency of which we see each other has never changed in 4 years, despite me expressing a desire to spend more time together (it has always been 1 evening in the week plus Sat night through to Mon morning) - He will not discuss our future (he says he is scared of change) - He will not discuss the idea of us living together (scared of change again) I absolutely adore this man but our relationship doesn't seem to have progressed at all in almost 4 years and i'm beginning to question my patience and understanding of all his fears and anxieties. (If it's of any relevance we're both in our mid 30's, he has never been married or lived with anyone, i am divorced, and neither of us has children) I'd appreciate your thoughts, advice and suggestions.
norajane Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 No sex? No passion? Then all you have is friendship and companionship. Sounds like he has some sexual hang-ups, and perhaps some intimacy issues. The real question is, how do you feel about it? Do you want more out of a relationship or are you content? The answer to that will tell you what you need to do...discuss and resolve some of your issues or end things so you can eventually be with someone who can give you what you want.
silvergirl Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 You may want to consider the fact that there may be another woman. Has the sex ever been there??? Has it just been the two of you for the whole 4 years?
carrot10 Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 M-M, I am in your same position, it's only been a year for me. Your post hit home for me. Do I want to be in this same situation for 4 years? My question to you is Are YOU happy? I don't think there is another woman but I know there are intimacy issues. I don't know if I am equipt to deal or if I want to. I have given myself 100%. He won't -Its that simple.
MusicChick24 Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 I'm not going to jump the gun and say there is another woman, but may I ask your age? That might give a better idea of what's going on, because yeah this isn't the norm, obviously you already know this or you wouldn't have started the thread. But, my boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, and if he was like this, I would be worried. Not nessecarily that's he's cheating or wanting out because if he cooks dinner with you and such that may not be the case, but has he always been this way? Or is this just a new thing like a phase he's going through? My boyfriend went through the "I hate change" phase when we started college and now he's out of it. But like stated above, once more you must ask yourself how you feel. You adore this guy but can you live like this another year, forever? If the answer is no, you may find happiness somewhere else. <3 Just my opinion.
Author Madeleine-May Posted July 28, 2008 Author Posted July 28, 2008 I really don't think he is seeing anyone else, there's absolutely nothing that points towards that. In answer to some questions - we are both in our mid 30's, and sexually, things have pretty much always been this way. I guess for the first 6 months or so we were intimate a bit more often but as time has gone on the sexual intimacy has become less and less. His emotional involvement has grown though, he seems to care about me and wants to care for me a lot more now than he did in the early months. How do i feel about it? Well it does worry me (or i wouldn't be posting here!) but i'm not one to make rash decisions, i'd like to find out why he is like this and focus my attention on understanding and helping resolve the problems rather than just walking away from, who is otherwise, the most incredible man i have ever met. A funny thing happened this weekend though. We had visited with some friends who live in a gorgeous house in the country, it really is an idyllic setting and lifestyle they have. On the way home he asked me if i'd like to live in a place like our friends do, i said i would love to, he then said "well then we have something to aim for in the next year or two" I was shocked, it's the first time he has ever mentioned considering a future with me! Could it be fear of commitment and intimacy? Do they really make men move this slowly? And if so, what can i do?
bigmanpayne Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 maybe he just attends the tom leykis school of relationships and simply doesnt want a real head on relationship right now. no marriage, no moving in together, nothing to really tie you 2 2gether. he might be thinking why do all that and ruin the good that you have. as for the sex part, i dont know. he might just have a problem. i used to be worried about pleasing my partner so much so that i didnt want to do anything, but they helped me through it and helped me get better... no i am a beast . maybe you should talk to him and see if there is anything you can do to help?
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