Getting Weaker Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 Hi everyone! My wife and I have been separated for one year. Weve been married for 12 years, been together for 14, I love her too death. We have three girls 11, 9 and 5. Im very close to all my girls especially my oldest. I watch my girls three days a week when my wifes at work and school and I take them overnight on the fourth. I also coach my oldest daughters softball team. The problem is, my wife doesnt know if she loves me anymore. She says she cant depend on me so she needs to work on herself. Since then she's gone back to school as well as work part time (along with 4 new tattoos). She also said that she needs space to really see if she loves me or not. Makes sense. As hard as it would be on me and my daughters emotionally not see each other as much as we do, I would deal with it if it meant we might all be together in the long run. It would really hurt, but I would do it. The thing is, as much as I watch my girls I see my wife all the time!! Plus, we get along now better than when we lived together. I mean she drives with me to softball games, she asks for rides to work. Now besides those things which she doesnt seem to mind, Im not at her house just because, Im there to pick up my girls because she's either at school or at work. Im there because she needs me to be there. She wont bring them to me, so I need to go to there. So for her to complain that Im there too much really pisses me off. In fact, soon she'll be taking extra classes and ill be watching the girls even more. Are these mixed signals or what? But when I say to her, if you need your space, maybe I shouldnt be watching the girls as much as I do, because it kills me to think im bothering you, she replies fine if you dont wanna see your kids. WTF? If I watch my girls, Im a jerk for being there too much. If I dont watch my kids, Im a jerk for not being there. How do I attempt to try and get my wife back and at the same time not hurt my girls? I wanna do the right thing but it seems like I have to decide between my daughters or my wife. And in reality, i'll have to choose my daughters because I know they'll always be there for me, as for my wife, Im not too sure. How do I win without losing?
dgiirl Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 How do I win without losing? Stop focusing on "winning your wife back", and focus _only_ on your daughters. Perhaps your wife senses your attempts to win her back? We've all, at one time or another, met someone who tries to "win" our friendship/affection. They go out of their way to be nice and do things for us. Sometimes things they dont really feel like doing, or thing's they'd never do for anyone else, but they'd do it for us because they are expecting that will make us like them. Every thing they do seems unnatural and forced. It makes us feel uncomfortable and obligated in some way which angers us. We should not feel obligated to be someone's friend. Acts of kindness should be given freely, without any expectation of reward back. And the more we become uncomfortable the more they try to win our affection by doing more and more which in turn pushes us even further away. What would have been the best course of action? To be themselves. For them to do acts of kindness out of the kindness of their hearts. And not expecting something in return. There is some truth to the saying "women like bad guys". It's not that they like to be mistreated, or they like the thrill of the chase. But they (and everyone) want a man (or friend) in their lives that they know has a backbone. We all need to know that our friends are our friends because they like us, they choose to be with us and want to be with us, and dont _need_ to be with us. And when they do something for us, it's because they WANT to with no strings attached. We dont want to feel obligated or indebted to anyone, especially our friends or loved ones. We also need to know that we dont take advantage of others. That if we do ask others to do something for us, that we're not imposing on them. And we can only believe that if we know that person has a backbone and wont do something unless they really feel like it. Perhaps your wife is just feeling smothered and feeling obligated to you, which will keep her walls up. If you really want your wife back, then just give up on the whole idea all together. You can still be nice to her. You can still do favors for her. But above all, be yourself. Dont go out of your way to be nice to her. Dont go out of your way to do favors for her. Dont make her feel obligated to return the favors to you. And although that might not be your intention, she still might just be feeling that way. At least if you focus soley on your daughters, in time she'll see that and let her walls down. And at that time, if you are meant to be together, it'll happen. Btw, why cant your daughters come to your place?
SingleDad Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 Getting Weaker - you are in a position I am hoping to get toward and move beyond... You see your daughters most of the time and have a lot of contact with W after 1 year of separation... I am at 1 month and hoping to rebuild contact after a month of LC with STBXW and daughter 3 overnights per week. I know my Ex thrives on quality communication and communicating about our daughter... but she wants absolute privacy and space at her own house... dgiirl has many great points... I would certainly focus on your daughters - be the best father you can be to them, you will always be their father. And yes you shouldn't focus trying to win your wife back... But you can be there for her when she wants or needs your help, you can do nice things for her. Make deposits to her Love Bank as Dr. Harley puts it in his book "His Needs, Her Needs" because you want to... but I would do nice things subtly, subconciously to her... build up that love bank over time... she might find in herself that she wants you around. I also have the question - why can you only see your daughters at her place... can't you take your kids to your place, take them out to dinner, take them to a fair, etc. Give your W some space in her own place if that is what she wants - learn to give her what she wants (love deposits). That's the best way to win her back.
Ronni_W Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 If I watch my girls, Im a jerk for being there too much. If I dont watch my kids, Im a jerk for not being there. (((hugs))) She is doing an excellent job of keeping you in 'Limbo Land'. But also, you are doing an excellent job of allowing yourself to stay there. (I know it is the hope that you will ultimately get back together that is motivating you. But also, it is keeping you from seeing/accepting the facts as they currently exist.) Her refusal to cooperate and do her part in ferrying the girls between residences is a manipulative tactic -- it gives her precisely that leverage that'll make you feel like a jerk no matter what you do. I would take this issue back to her, from perspective of "I know it is MY problem but I'm hoping that you may have some insight into solutions...I feel like a jerk when I do and when I don't...etc., etc." There are already losses on all sides. And it sounds as if there are more losses to come. Your "winning" will come from accepting what is, and just being the person and father you want to be. Yes, there might be some limits placed on that, by your ex-wife's words, attitudes or actions. Your "winning" will come from how you handle yourself EVEN given any such limits. There does not sound as if your ex-wife will consider a reconciliation -- from what you wrote, she is not working towards that. It sounds more as if she is currently having her cake and getting to eat it, too, so to speak. Her saying that she "doesn't know" if she loves you sounds more like another manipulation, designed to foster in you that hope that SHE needs you to have, so that she can enjoy all that she wants and needs. Sorry! It sucks that you will be going through all of it, again. One could say that she didn't play fair. And one can say that you chose to ignore what "evidence" was available to you. But it still sucks, and I am sorry for that.
Author Getting Weaker Posted July 26, 2008 Author Posted July 26, 2008 I think people might be misunderstanding my post. Maybe im wording it wrong. I do not babysit my girls at my wifes house, I watch them at my house. When I say I see her a lot, I mean that when I pick up my girls to take them to my place, I see her, when I drop the girls back off, I see her. When there is a softball game, I see her. And that happens four days a week in passing, and to me that seems like a lot. I definitely do not go out of my way to be nice to her. I am nice to her, when she is nice to me. I will take her to work or school if she is in a cordial mood, if she's not, I dont. I am not at her house babysitting my girls, sorry for the confusion. Additionally, she will not transport the girls to my house because she says her car will not make it, not because she doesnt allow my daughters to go to my house. When I chose the title for my post, I was not being literal. I only meant, how can I be away from her when obviously she needs me to do things for my daughters in which I will see her. So yes, I definitely do not understand, if she wants her space, then you would think she would find different ways to get around me being there. After she said she needed her space, I was the one to say maybe you should find someone else to watch the girls a few of the days I watch them, her response was to reply "fine, if you dont wanna see your kids." More opinions are definitely welcome.
Ronni_W Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 I only meant, how can I be away from her when obviously she needs me to do things for my daughters in which I will see her. Well, how most manage to cope is for the kids come out to the car (which yours are old enough to do on their own) to minimize contact. Another thing that stood out is your feeling it necessary to cater to HER needs. That is different than doing what your daughters need and/or what you want to do. There may be some resistance -- that would be too difficult on the girls; I am NOT catering to her needs at all -- such a reaction is understandable. Hope dies hard. But false hope is dangerous to your own heart's healing. Your ex is controlling the situation (not necessarily you as an individual) with her lame excuses about her car and such, and guilt-tripping you by implying that anything you don't do that SHE wants (or do that she doesn't want) is an action against the girls' best interests. Not so...not doing everything the way your ex wants it would just be an action in favour of your own needs and best interests, as well as those of your girls. She is using your devotion and commitment to your children, for her own ends. But...that is only my take on what you've posted, and may or may not be worth two cents .
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