tanin84 Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 My girl and I had been together for over two years. We are/were engaged and even had a date set. Then suddenly she cancels the weeding and she tells me she can't be in a relationship right now. I asked why and it's because she has doubts. Now then she asks me to wait and I says to her, "Don't waste my time." She says that she won't she just needs to clear these doubts and then we will get back together. I ask what these doubts are and she says she will tell me when we get back together. I ask if it's another guy and she says no. I've been the spy and I can find no evidence of another guy. I saw here last week to get some of my stiff and I asked her again if I am wasting my time and she says no she just needs some time. What do you guys think? We are "broken" up but her and her parents both want me to wait on her.
mma_j Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 My girl and I had been together for over two years. We are/were engaged and even had a date set. Then suddenly she cancels the weeding and she tells me she can't be in a relationship right now. I asked why and it's because she has doubts. Now then she asks me to wait and I says to her, "Don't waste my time." She says that she won't she just needs to clear these doubts and then we will get back together. I ask what these doubts are and she says she will tell me when we get back together. I ask if it's another guy and she says no. I've been the spy and I can find no evidence of another guy. I saw here last week to get some of my stiff and I asked her again if I am wasting my time and she says no she just needs some time. What do you guys think? We are "broken" up but her and her parents both want me to wait on her. It sounds like you just need to give her space to collect her thoughts. Since her answers aren't very specific or explaining, she may be very confused with what she's going through. I don't think you guys are broken up. You just need to give her some time to understand what she's going through and leave her alone during this period. It'll be tough, but only she can answer your questions! Give it some time! You'll be okay, though!
Woggle Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 Just be glad she pulled this crap before the wedding. Just give it up now and move on with your life because you just dodged a bullet.
nopainnogain Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 Theres prob another dude involved. You need to investigate more
Author tanin84 Posted July 26, 2008 Author Posted July 26, 2008 You know what...the first responder was cool because regardless of what they said they were supportive. People automatically assume the worse. I didn't put the whole story here, just the most important details. So unless you can be postive and supportive don't respond. I still have faith in people.
JustinWolf Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 Just give her the space and time she needs. You've told her not to waste your time. There's not much you can do about it... You get to decide.
motive2002 Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 Why would she need space if she loves you? People that love you don't need this space. They want space because they aren't sure they love you, or that something else better might come along. Marriage is a huge commitment. People begin asking themselves "have I really lived life?.. " blah blah.. like it's a death sentence or something. Be prepared for the worst, it's probably coming. Seldom does a relationship survive from the whole "space" thing. I know that's not what you want to hear.. The best you can do is go overboard on the space. Give her TONS of it. Give her an opportunity to miss you BUT BE WARNED.. this is flaky behavior, and it won't be the last time she does this sorta crap. Is that what you really want? For marriage there can really be no doubts in my opinion. If she's struggling with a bunch, get ready to move on. Space is evil. It really is the worst thing for a relationship. It shows a lack of wanting to discuss things through and work them out together as a couple. It's almost always a cowardly way out of a relationship. This is the start of the breakdown.
Author tanin84 Posted July 26, 2008 Author Posted July 26, 2008 I swear for a support site this really negative stuff. Why not just say, see how it turns out. I ain't a cryer and I have gone through the worst of it. Geez, you people for the most part must've been burned alot and want to make sure other people get your negativity. I'm through with this place.
Author tanin84 Posted July 26, 2008 Author Posted July 26, 2008 perhaps she just has some doubts about herself. It doesn't mean it's the end.
motive2002 Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 In my own defense, the space thing has been discussed here at length. Yes I'm more bitter than most, but this is the internet. You have to take advice from strangers with a grain of salt. This is a search result of this forum with the term "space" in the title. Read for yourself what other's have said on the subject of space. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=4710439 I'm sorry to sound negative. I guess I've been burned by this and it hits too close to home, but I'm not the only one, and neither are you. You came here looking for an answer because you're obviously upset. Maybe what you find here will help, and maybe it won't, but like I said.. advice from strangers... I don't have a PhD on my wall. I have only my own experience to draw from.
Author tanin84 Posted July 26, 2008 Author Posted July 26, 2008 I never said I was upset. I just wanted to see what peoples perspective was and to get some postive support. I using this time to concentrate on school and I've taken up boxing. I feel confident she's telling me the truth when she says she is coming back. So I am not looking for a shoulder to cry on, not to be mean. Sorry you got burned bro, and maybe you're right, maybe she is setting me up. But I have to believe otherwise, because love endures all and it is patient.
Woggle Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 I am sorry if I come off negative but it is the truth. This woman has given you insight into her true nature before marriage and you better take heed. Chances are she is cheating and even if she isn't she wants her space because she feels you are holding her back and she doesn't feel those butterflies anymore. This is the same story that has played out many times for many different men. Believe me you are not the only man going through this and these situations usually do not have a happy and romantic. Get out while you can.
Author tanin84 Posted July 26, 2008 Author Posted July 26, 2008 Well I just can't do that. You don't know her and to give up on what we had is wrong and it's wrong not to at least give her some time. That's what love is. I'm not interested in "getting out". She says what she means with everyone. I won't sink to that level. I fight for things that are worth fighting for and I'm not a coward to run and leave when the going gets tough.
Woggle Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 I say this with the utmost respect but you are a very naive man. You will learn in due time though.
nopainnogain Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 Ok,then wait for her. But prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Or, leave her and start being your best now
Author tanin84 Posted July 26, 2008 Author Posted July 26, 2008 How is it naive to not give up on love? I have seen countless relationships fail because people give up and I am not naive. I understand things may go badly but at least I tried. You sound very cynical and calloused. Don't know how you got burned, but God wants me to wait on her, so I wait. She says she is coming back so I believe her when she says she just has doubts. Not everybody's experience is the same. Why bring people down? You think you're doing them a favor? Why not encourage them? I don't know your situation, but it sounds like you think that women are succubuses and you don't trust them. Then again it's always the people who are scared to trust who won't fight for things like love. So do me a favor. If don't you have something productive to say, like hang in there or everything is going to be fine or whatever then save your negativity. I already know that the signs aren't good. I already know that the majority of these situations don't work out. So stop stepping on my hope and go find someone else to leech happiness from because you're too bitter to find your own. World has enough problems without people like you going around cutting peoples hope off at the knees.
borelandkaren Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 How is it naive to not give up on love? I have seen countless relationships fail because people give up and I am not naive. I understand things may go badly but at least I tried. You sound very cynical and calloused. Don't know how you got burned, but God wants me to wait on her, so I wait. She says she is coming back so I believe her when she says she just has doubts. Not everybody's experience is the same. Why bring people down? You think you're doing them a favor? Why not encourage them? I don't know your situation, but it sounds like you think that women are succubuses and you don't trust them. Then again it's always the people who are scared to trust who won't fight for things like love. So do me a favor. If don't you have something productive to say, like hang in there or everything is going to be fine or whatever then save your negativity. I already know that the signs aren't good. I already know that the majority of these situations don't work out. So stop stepping on my hope and go find someone else to leech happiness from because you're too bitter to find your own. World has enough problems without people like you going around cutting peoples hope off at the knees. The reality of the whole situation is that, it's individual and we all have to deal with our r/s the way WE deal with them. I say personally, good luck. I think that if you can hang in there and all turns out well, all power to you. Someone saying they need space is not an automatic guarantee that they are fooling around with someone else or that they are untrustworthy. It may simply mean they need space. Every r/s is different and I think that those of us who have been hurt quite badly on LS can be quick to judge. We sometimes need to step back and not assume the worst. There are a lot of reasons that someone will need space and if we don't give it, the r/s is doomed anyway. I, for one, would have been ecstatic if I'd been allowed any space. It would have enabled me to assess the r/s from another place and seen all of the things that were wrong and simply given me a chance to breathe. You do whatever you need to do, tanin and good luck.
nopainnogain Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 Maybe she is testing you. She wants to see if you will wait which she might assume as weak and not marriage material. Or she wants to see that you wont put up with no BS and are strong,in this case she will come crawling to you
awkward Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 Has she had a personal trauma recently that is making her have doubts and want space? How long were you engaged? Has she ever asked for space before? Why do her parents want you to wait it out? Do they know what is going on with their daughter? I think the most important thing here is that you two need to communicate. You don't want to be married to someone who can't/won't communicate their feelings to you. Maybe you should ask her to write down her feelings and email you. I think the best thing would be pre-marital counseling so you can see if this is what you want for the rest of your life.
mscomplex Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 I am sorry for the position you are in right now. I am on the receiving end of a relationship where my guy said he wanted space in a round about way. He has been my friend for 20 yrs and has always wanted a relationship with me. Last summer we were both single at the same time for the first time ever and decided to give it a try. It has been about a month now with us going back and forth. I was upset and took him all of his things but would drop by to see him as usual. While he seemed to miss me it was hard but did not seem to move him any. Over time I got tired of the back and forth and just decided in the past few weeks NC. He still will text something generic and I will respond sometimes depending on how I feel. I came to this sight just to get some insight. For the most part advice I have read has been pretty supportive. I have not put my story on here but am gaining insight from others. Anyway, back to you, I understand somewhat the dilemma you are faced with. You know your girl better than anyone here. For the most part you have to think about how she has dealt with telling you things in the past. If any part of you feels she is feeding you bull, go with your instinct. I tend to believe the best in people. My guy was married before for 10 yrs. It was not a good marriage. He told me that the last time he felt like this about someone he got married but everything changed. I believe in my heart that a part of him is afraid and has not made the connection that he is gaining a partner not losing his freedom. Now, how he decides to deal with that, I have no part in. The same with you, she may have some fears or doubts but either way, you cannot talk her into wanting to be with you on any level if she does not want to. Sometimes people would rather lose the best thing that has ever happened to them because they were scared. I would say just give her some space and after some time, if you do not get a conclusion either way-tell her you all have to talk and resolve some things. Your first priority is to yourself. Just because she did this does not mean she is cheating. Like I said me and my guy have been apart for about 1 month and while I have had the opportunity to go out with other men, that is not where my heart is. Either I am going to be with him or stay to my self until I heal. I will not get involved with someone else just because he is not the one. Pay close attention to what she is doing, not what she is saying. If you guys start to get more distant then as hard as it may be, you will have to decide what is best for you. I love my guy dearly but realize that I cannot make him see how great we have been together the past yr. (his words) I cannot not make him see that I an awesome person and good for him. He has to come to that on his own. Same as your girl. There may be someone lurking. Then again there may not. She can tell you what ever she wants and you may never really be able t prove it one way or the other. Follow your heart and put your own needs 1st. Decide how long you can go without contact, decide how long you are willing to wait and decide when it's time to have "the talk." Don't assume the worse but do not ignore your own needs either. Hope this helps. Hang in there and know that I will check in periodically to see how you are doing. This is the hardest thing I have had to do but I only want my guy here if he truly wants to be and this a sure way to find out.
cyabye Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 I swear for a support site this really negative stuff. Why not just say, see how it turns out. I ain't a cryer and I have gone through the worst of it. Geez, you people for the most part must've been burned alot and want to make sure other people get your negativity. I'm through with this place. Well, tell us what you want to hear. We are telling you from hard experience what you need to hear. cyabye
justaman99 Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 She says she is coming back so I believe her when she says she just has doubts. This is where I have trouble. If she has doubts but is coming back why does she need to be away from you? She's saying she knows she's coming back right? That makes no sense to me at all. What does she need time for if she knows she's coming back? It's very odd.
vivrantflo Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 You sound very cynical and calloused. Nope. He's just more experienced than you. And you sound very close-minded and naive. She says she is coming back so I believe her when she says she just has doubts. How silly is this. She says she's coming back. So why leave in the first place?? Ask yourself man.. what would cause "doubts" in a situation like this?? The fact that maybe her feelings have changed, or she feels she can do better. As $h!tty as a deal it is, it's the truth. Not everybody's experience is the same. Why bring people down? You think you're doing them a favor? Why not encourage them? No one is bringing you down. We are just not telling you what you want to hear. Thats too bad.. I'll tell you man.. you've come to the wrong website if you want people to pat you on the @ss and tell you everything is roses, when it's not the case. We are all doing you a favour. Responding to your post and calling it like we see it. Woggle didn't have to respond to you, but he read your story and felt inclined to let you know how he feels about the situation, cause after all, this is a public forum. I already know that the signs aren't good. I already know that the majority of these situations don't work out. Then you shouldn't chew out other posters that are reiterating the harsh reality that you're admittedly in. So stop stepping on my hope and go find someone else to leech happiness from because you're too bitter to find your own. World has enough problems without people like you going around cutting peoples hope off at the knees. Wow, So this is what you want to hear.. Dont mind the fact that she told you she's not ready for a relationship.. it really means she wants to spend the rest of her life with you.. she just wants to take time, alone in her room, and really reflect on the relationship, and make sure you're the right one for her, knowing full well she's gonna come back to you. Ignore the fact that you two were engaged to be married and she cancels the wedding cause she has doubts.. oh, and don't be offended that you asked your fiance why she has these doubts, and feels it's not important to share them with you... only when you guys get back together. So it can't be that bad. See how silly all that sounds??? Dude, there is nothing on earth that would make you tell your woman, that you want space from her... and cancel the wedding... not postpone.. cancel.. Cause you love her unconditionally and you want to spend the rest of your life with her. You, dont need time to figure that out, cause you've had over two years time to figure it out!! Thats why you asked her to marry you!! Sorry man, but I'd prepare yourself for a permanent break up soon. She just doesnt have the fortitude to full out rip your heart out all at once.
JustinWolf Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 Look, you're looking for something positive that is okay. Every relationship is based on trust and if you trust her then go ahead and wait for her. Just remember that in this case, you better be prepared for anything. I think that's what most people are trying to tell you. They aren't trying to bring you down or anything. Each person has been through experiences and they are just showing what they learnt and telling you about their experiences. You should wait, if that's what you want, we're not here to stop you. In fact, I'd say wait but just keep your mind open to anything that may happen. Best of luck.
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