Disrespect

[km]

Wow, the arrogance and selfishness my husband exhibits sometimes just suck the soul right out of me. This will sound like a minor incident, but it's just one out of many. I come here to vent them, because I'm one of those idiots that believes in working on a marriage rather than leaving it -- though I don't think that concept ever works if you're the ONLY ONE working on the marriage.

 

Tonight, I'm sleeping, and he comes to bed after his baseball game ends. I wake up about 2 hours after falling asleep because he accidentally rolled over on one of the 4 (yes, FOUR) remote controls he keeps ON TOP OF THE BED while we sleep (ceiling fan, adjustable bed, television, cable), and the light comes on. He swears, half asleep, loudly slams the remote control onto another and shuts the light, takes the fan/light remote control and moves it - not to the headboard where I could reach it if I need to turn the fan up/down, but completely out of my reach. I say, "Hey, put that where I can reach it" and he says, "WHY?" angrily, and leaves it there. Then, he turns up the television volume, though he knows that I hate the TV loud even when I'm away, and moreso when I'm trying to sleep. I leave the room, though I'm not sure why. I just hate being around him, sometimes.

 

He gives a **** only about his own comfort, and not at all about anyone else, and I'm thinking of telling him he needs to move out of our bedroom. We rarely have sex anymore, anyway (why would any woman want sex with a man who disrespects her constantly, and never shows any affection - except, of course, when he wants sex?).

 

Sometimes he's my best friend; other times, he's a soul-sucker.

 

</rant>

[iwanttolive]

I guess we ladies just have to be brave and firm to stand up for ourselves.. Even if that means a huge fight, at least he knows we mean business.. I'm very timid and easily intimidated and that's why I tend to be bullied in my past r/s.. Has he always been like this?

[Curmudgeon]

He does sound inconsiderate. Perhaps Job-1 should be to de-control the bedroom, and start with the TV. As far as I'm concerned the bedroom is there for ony two reasons, and one of them is sleeping!

[Lizzie60]

get your own room.. and leave him with all his toys and stuff...

 

If he wants sex.. tell him to take a 'rendez-vous' and if you are 'available' you will open the door only after he knocks.. then when he leaves the room, tell him he can put 'so much' money in the little vase to that effect...

 

He wants to be an azz hole.. you can be one too..

 

He is a control freak and is being disrespectful.. only YOU can do something about it.. cause I doubt he will change if you don't take drastic measures to make him change..

 

I love being single.. I am lazy and marriage is way too much work.. especially, like you said, only one partner is working his b*tt off... life is too short.

 

NOTE: I'm serious about the room..

[blair08]

How tired are you of him being an a$h*le to you? Does he act more like that to you than not? You're right it will never work if onlly one is working on the marriage, suggest marriage counseling for you both. If he wont go, you still should go. Then make a decison on what you feel you need to do.

[Ronni_W]

KM, I do understand that you want to work towards a much better relationship. However, your current levels of anger and resentment towards him might make it very difficult for you to do that in a consistently positive manner.

(Not that your upset and frustration are inappropriate. Just that those feelings do exist, and can be stumbling blocks when trying to improve the same situation that is the source of the resentment in the first place.)

 

I also noticed a need to control on your part, that you have expressed your preferences for something to be a certain way "even when [you are] away". So, there may be power struggles on both sides, his just being a more aggressive, more blatantly inconsiderate version.

(Not that he would/is carrying out your preference...just that you felt to let him know about it. It's not the same as saying to kids, "I prefer you not throw parties when Dad and I are out of town." or "I want you to do your homework while I'm at work.")

 

Have you considered individual therapy if he is unwilling to undertake relationship counseling? You will at least gain some new techniques to better cope with your side of things...anger/blame release, stress management, assertiveness skills, etc.

 

Certainly it sounds as if you need to change something...as another poster said, life is to short to allow it to be a draining, soul-sucking experience!

Best of luck.

[km]

Thank you, everyone. Some of you have really nailed both what my concerns are and what I should do about them.

 

Having a bad day today -- his anger just destroys any goodness in my life. I decided to "shine it on" - ignore what had happened last night, and the day was going okay. But then he gets mad so easily (and, yes, I am sometimes to blame for that, as I have lost the ability to control my own disdain and anger, over the 23 years I've been with him), and just makes me want to leave or die.

 

My dog bit me today. As if that wasn't bad enough, I had to deal with inappropriate anger on my husband's part, after the incident.

 

Just want to curl up in a ball and sob.

[Ronni_W]

Just want to curl up in a ball and sob.

Well...it is perfectly fine to give yourself permission to do exactly that. (((hugs)))

And later, when you are feeling better and stronger, start making some plans as to how you can implement those things that others offered in this thread, that you feel may help to positively change your situation.

 

If I could also just add to not take responsibility for HIS lack of self-management -- he does not HAVE to express anger just because or whenever you are acting out your own. (Just like all of us, he has power of choice over his own responses and behaviours NO MATTER WHAT is going on around him.)

 

Now...enjoy your cry for the good release that it is, and then come out "fighting" for a happier, more peaceful future .

[quankanne]

get the TV out of the bedroom – that's what a den/living room is for! Bedroooms are for sleeping, screwing and lazing around when you've got nothing better to do than kick back with a good book or the sunday paper.

 

then tell him point-blank you don't care for his rude treatment. My favorite way to let DH know that I know he can do better (and should!) is by telling him, "I KNOW your mama didn't raise to be like that," because she didn't. You don't have to put up with stupid crap like that, and you shouldn't be afraid to let him know it, either. Basically, you're programming good manners in him when you tell him to knock it off or to now talk to you that way.

[NoIDidn't]

get the TV out of the bedroom – that's what a den/living room is for! Bedroooms are for sleeping, screwing and lazing around when you've got nothing better to do than kick back with a good book or the sunday paper.

 

then tell him point-blank you don't care for his rude treatment. My favorite way to let DH know that I know he can do better (and should!) is by telling him, "I KNOW your mama didn't raise to be like that," because she didn't. You don't have to put up with stupid crap like that, and you shouldn't be afraid to let him know it, either. Basically, you're programming good manners in him when you tell him to knock it off or to now talk to you that way.

 

I have a TV in my room. Sad to say. But its mostly only on during the day when he is at work.

 

But I totally agree with the programming statement. But this guy does sound just plain old disrespectful. And it sounds like its been going on for quite a while. Hard to nip in the bud what's been going on for twenty-three years. Ya know?

[quankanne]

hon, even old dogs are able to learn new tricks. You just have to be patient. And repetitive! :laugh: