canadaguy98 Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 Geez. What a deflating week. I could get into all sorts of details as to how we got here but basically Tuesday morning my ex-fiancee now gf I've been together with for 8 years packed up her stuff and just left. I spent a few days completely bewildered wondering what is going on, she just came by last night to let me know she wants to seperate, for the benefit of our relationship. We were caught in some ruts (there was a previous affair and occasionally trust issues pop up in me, she has a hard time just SAYING what she wants to say because she avoids confrontation like the plague). She is attending counselling and I even went to a few sessions. I didnt find them very helpful but I went in earnest to try to make things better. As I have seen it our core problems are these: > we were engaged for 1.2 yrs, then she didnt want to be engaged any more. she doesnt want to even discuss the future on this one, even if it's delayed or make any concrete plans, broken engagement was 6mo ago > she cant communicate to me what she wants. Since counselling shes learning to be more assertive, but its way off the charts. We get in a fight over something and then she wants to seperate or take a break. When she comes back she wont deal with the core issues so they just keep piling up > after the affair (2 yrs before we got engaged) she had a hard time accepting her mistake and speaking plainly to me about it. Henceforth i fear that it may happen again. I've found some odd writing passages that give me more reason to fear that, but its more in her head than anything else just like last time, she's convincing herself > She has been very critical of me, and things I do, saying they dont make her happy. But these arent things like that I treat her bad (quite the opposite) its just me and my buddies and my hobbies, like she can't be happy unless I am doing what she wants me to do -- So now she says she wants to seperate. I'm not so sure its a good idea, my take on things is that its best to tackle the issues head on and come to some sort of agreement. She's concerned that we are falling through the same ruts over and over again and I have to agree with that although I disagree with the reason we are (I feel like she just doesnt want to deal with them, she said 2 weeks on reconsidering the engagement and I had to pry it out of her 8 weeks later). Anyways maybe you can help me make some sense of all this. What I want is for us to be able to get back together. What I dont want is for this to just be a long, drawn out breakup or divorce (we've been living together 7 years so we're practically married). She wants to move out on her own, join up with some random female roomates and move closer to her university (she is 25 in 3rd yr). Shes wanted me to move with her too but its very expensive in those areas (double the price!) and with the broken engagement and lack of direction on our future together I told her that until those majors were worked out I didnt feel entirely comfortable moving into a place a quarter the size and dumping tons of my stuff exclusively for her. We only live 25 mins from the Univ so its not like she'd have to give up going to stay here. She suggested that she didnt want to have any sex at all, but talk to each other and see eachother regularly on weekends. She also offered that since I'm a man and I have physical needs that she would be ok with me sleeping with other girls. Honestly I told her that if she allows me to do that then the reverse is true (ie she can sleep with other guys) and I'm not so sure I would be so cool with that so I'm not sure if I want that privelige. Told her the only woman I want to sleep with is her. But I guess it depends on how long I'm supposed to be abstinent for as to whether I can take it. Also worries me that she wants that off the table too. She started off the request by saing "well i consider us to be practically married, and seperation in marriage is up to 12 months". I was like whoa, 12 months is like a year. She said she didnt neccesarily need that long and after a bit of discussion she said well at least 6 weeks until she gets into her new Univ and gets back into a regular daily groove. (She is working now not just fluttering for the summer). She will be taking two weeks off between now and then in late August. I'm not so sure that seperation is a good thing. I'm more hands on I like to think that you have to keep working at something. So I told her that if we are going to do this we have to come up with a plan of how we are going to do that, and it should include phases, milestones, timelines, and what the ground rules are. I told her that as shes asking for the seperation then the seperation ground rules should start with her needs so I told her not to hurry and try to come up with them right away but to write them down, think of how it would feel if she was in my shoes and it was going the opposite way, and think also about what this point will do to repair our relationship. Told her that you can't just "free form" something like this because it's simply a recipie for disaster. She suggested that she didnt want us to be talking about fixing the relationship every time that we talked or saw eachother and I said that is fine but maybe we should put aside a specific time, phone call, or meeting regularly to address our relationship issues because if we just sweep it all under the rug it will never get fixed and that's a recipie for disaster. I told her that if she likes she can bring her list of ideas on how to work and manage the seperated time to her counsellor and if she likes that I can come and we can discuss it with eachother and the counsellor because the counsellor may have some good ideas. I also offered to come into the counselling sessions more regularly during the seperation if she wanted. She said that for the time being she would rather be doing the counselling sessions alone to work through her stuff. She wants me to take counselling on my own too with the same counsellor or someone else; problem is I just dont get very much out of it I am very open and honest with myself and others about my feelings and I am quite confident. Obviously I'm a bit of a wreck right now the love of my life wants to seperate from me but bye and bye I feel pretty solid normally, the only lack of solidness is these relationship problems I keep trying to deal with them but she doesnt want to. So anyways I guess before I keep rambling the help I am looking for is this; 1_ any ideas on things I should consider when we discuss the mechanics of the seperation. dos? donts? things to add? things to watch out for? 2_ how can I detect if she's just wanting to break up really slowly? 3_ what if she does want something more free form and unstructured? is this a good idea? should we just make some space for it in the beginning and start to "execute the plan" after a certain amount of time? I really dont want to enter into a free form "seperation" that could go on forever. 4_ the allowing me to have sex with other women thing because she doesnt want to have any sex at all (apparently with me or anyone else). Doesnt sound healthy might cause even more problems. But what if she wants like 6 months of seperation and no action? Even worse, what if after that six months she just decides its over? I'm a hands on tackle it head on kinda guy and this whole seperation thing really stinks to me. I'm willing to try to make it work out because I love this girl but I know it's gonna be torture because we are moving backwards (from engaged, living together back to dating basically) and as they say giveth a man and get a smile, taketh away and ...
LakesideDream Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 Ah....Canadaguy, I hate to be the one to break the news but, she already has a male friend she is sleeping with. She's only mildly interested in keeping you in the back up role. If you believe there is a point in asking her if she's cheating on you, go ahead and ask. Be aware that it will make what you will eventually have to do more difficult. More sensibly, I would put "key logging" software on the computers, check her cell phones for strange numbers, and examine the details (numbers) on your phone bills carefully. You can also do a little snooping. You will be in a better position when you have all the information you need. Walk away wives are all the rage, it's a 21st century phenom! Sorry you are suffering through it.
canadian976 Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 Ah....Canadaguy, I hate to be the one to break the news but, she already has a male friend she is sleeping with. She's only mildly interested in keeping you in the back up role. If you believe there is a point in asking her if she's cheating on you, go ahead and ask. Be aware that it will make what you will eventually have to do more difficult. More sensibly, I would put "key logging" software on the computers, check her cell phones for strange numbers, and examine the details (numbers) on your phone bills carefully. You can also do a little snooping. You will be in a better position when you have all the information you need. Walk away wives are all the rage, it's a 21st century phenom! Sorry you are suffering through it. Actually I dont think theres anything going on with another guy. After the last affair when I get spooked I'm pretty vigilant. I checked the cellphone bills and the email accounts already just to be sure. Its more in her mind if anything I doubt she's acted on anything. I am a bit afraid however that maybe she wants to "test drive" a few other guys before she settles down with me, some stupid 21st century "be a slut for a while so you know what you like" thing.
LakesideDream Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 Actually I dont think theres anything going on with another guy. After the last affair when I get spooked I'm pretty vigilant. I checked the cellphone bills and the email accounts already just to be sure. Its more in her mind if anything I doubt she's acted on anything. I am a bit afraid however that maybe she wants to "test drive" a few other guys before she settles down with me, some stupid 21st century "be a slut for a while so you know what you like" thing. If that's appropriate for you... I have no opinion. That would be a deal breaker for me. As for your vigilance... my money's still on another man. BTW, I wouldn't bother spending time with a woman I needed to "check up on" it wouldn't be worth it to me. My ex found it easy to cheat because of that.
canadian976 Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 If that's appropriate for you... I have no opinion. That would be a deal breaker for me. As for your vigilance... my money's still on another man. BTW, I wouldn't bother spending time with a woman I needed to "check up on" it wouldn't be worth it to me. My ex found it easy to cheat because of that. it would be a deal breaker for me too i think I would at least want to break up with her completely and if we got back together later then maybe whatever but not be committed to some seperation thing as for the vigilance... the way I found out and who it was on the affair was pretty traumatic as it was my friend and business partner so I kind of have some baggage when I get spooked. I dont want to do it but its kind of compulsive if I get freaked out by something. Normally I'm fine, I just still have my triggers But honestly i dont think there's another guy in the picture... at least not yet
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