Dragonflys Posted August 4, 2003 Share Posted August 4, 2003 Not sure how to best describe this but I'll try to make it simple.. I've been going steady for nearly a year and I'm currently frustrated because I don't feel 'the buzz' even though she is great to me and is very loving. I know when I first met her i was very attracted to her, and we hit it off straight away, but she was pretty aggressive in pursuing me and probably the challenge was lost early. We became an item after only our third date. Now we live together, and even though I know in my mind she is beautiful and I remember feeling a buzz early on, especially in those first few dates, it's kind of flat now. I sometimes get a hint of that buzz back when we go out, but it's not often enough, and I am wary of ending up with someone I may never be 'in love' with. Cosidering everything, we get on fabulously, never argue, and spend a lot of time together. Can the buzz be rekindled somehow? Link to post Share on other sites
Strangefruit Posted August 4, 2003 Share Posted August 4, 2003 This is a familiar situation... but I'm on the other side of it. Personally, I think that the early buzz is never sustained and that buzz has very little to do with love in reality. Love is caring about someone, wanting the very best for them, being there for them... and them doing the same for you. it's not about thinking your lover is faultless, thinking that they are going to make you happy or feeling excited 'cause you're in an unfamiliar situation. That's want you feel at the start of a relationship but it can't continue. When you get to know someone, you have to recognise that they (just as you) are not perfect, that only you can make yourself happy and things become familiar. My ex, on the other hand, feels like it seems you do - that the 'buzz' is the most important thing. I can't say which is right and which is wrong. But I would say that when you have something good, going after a 'buzz' is a big gamble. Just make sure that you feel you are doing the right thing and are prepared to live with the consequences. There may be no going back. Link to post Share on other sites
Carly Posted August 4, 2003 Share Posted August 4, 2003 That "buzz" is just supposed to get you closer to her in order to explore future possibilities. I think you are relying on the buzz too much for fairly assessing the relationship. Often times in a relationshtip there is no obvious problem, but things just don't feel great. Some problems are just more "hidden" and tricky to identify: Does she care about you? Does she ask questions about you? Share your feelings? Show concern for you? Answer your questions? Use your name? Does she open up to you? Share her feelings? Talk beyond superficial topics? Do you feel like you can "connect" with her? If you are bummed out, does she make you feel better? If you have some happy news to share with her, does she share your happiness? Or does she just try to top it off with her own good news? Is she critical of you? Is she trying to change who you are? I assume she isn't blatantly mean or cruel (you say that you get along) but does she subtly put you down? Can you carry a conversation between just the two of you, or are are you at a loss for words when you are together? Is she self-absorbed? Too concerned about herself? Does she dominate the conversation, often choosing the topic and deciding when to change it? These are just wild guesses of possible problems in a relationship that may not be so obvious at first glance,but that can signal trouble nevertheless. There are many, many more such hidden problems. Listen to your heart and give it time before you commit yourself more fully to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Strangefruit Posted August 4, 2003 Share Posted August 4, 2003 I just wanted to add a few questions to Carly's list... - Are you ready yourself to be in a committed, long term relationship? - Are you happy with all other aspects of your life? - Do you feel like you're being true to yourself in what you do and how you do it generally? I can see where Carly's coming from but remember not all problems are external. In the words of some self-help book or other 'Use the mirror, not the magnifying glass'. At the end of the day though, if you're not sure, not ready, not happy or whatever you owe it to her to be honest about it and say so. You might be able to discuss it and find that she feels the same way too. You might be able to move forward from here and create an even stronger relationship. Or, you might both be able to move on and find relationships that meet your needs better. Nobody's wrong in these situations, just different. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Carly Posted August 5, 2003 Share Posted August 5, 2003 Glad you posted, Strangefruit. I'm afraid that I just got off on a far too narrow tangent in replying to Dragonfly, overly encouraging him look for problems with girlfriend that might not be there at all. As you suggest, sometimes people throw away perfectly good relationships -- perhaps because they are afraid to commit, afraid of intimacy, afraid of their flaws being discovered, they expect too much, etc., etc. There truly are so many possibilities.... Link to post Share on other sites
niko1999 Posted August 5, 2003 Share Posted August 5, 2003 I dont really have advise to offer you, but I know how you feel. You actually sound a lot like my boyfreind, and him and I. We didnt become an "item" after our third date, but very soon after, and I did persue him very quickly. WE live together now, and I dont know. You just sound a lot like him with the way you type. Youre name isnt Justin by chance, is it? Link to post Share on other sites
RogueK Posted August 5, 2003 Share Posted August 5, 2003 I wish i would have read this thread about 7 months ago. Oh well, i'm single again anyway, must continue to live and learn. Link to post Share on other sites
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