Lauriebell82 Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 lexi stated in her original post that the woman who owns the house she is renting a room in doesn't like kids and doesn't want any children there for more than 20 minutes.... its not her fiance's decision lexi - this is a really tough situation you're being put in. it sounds like you really need to talk to your hubby-to-be in order to work out a compromise. i know this is far-fetched and its probably too late to do this but it would be cool if he sent his son away to camp for those couple of weeks - fun for the kid and no added stress for you! just a fleeting thought... best of luck & love to you! -sgf Yeah I went back and read it, I guess I missed that part in reading the orignial post.
StartingOver07 Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 Lexi, I share some of the concern expressed by AC and Carhill here. Not necessarily in regard to this issue, but with regard to the accumulation of issues that have arisen in your r/s with your fiancé. Yes, every relationship has issues that need to be worked through, but what concerns me here is the nature and number of issues presented in your relationship in combination with the fact that your wedding date is fast approaching. I think you and your fiancé should postpone the wedding and enter into pre-marital counseling. I know, you are concerned about the problems that will arise if you do this. But I can assure that the problems that will arise if you do not will be even bigger and more damaging in the long haul. Creating a step-family is difficult under the best of circumstances, and from what you've described, the circumstances you face are not the best. Love and good intentions are not enough.
Jilly Bean Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 I'm still stuck on the detail that his apartment has no doors on the bedroom. But Lexi - I agree with AC. You are going to be living with his son full-time in a few months. I think the two of you (fiance and you) need to work out mutual solutions, rather than making up excuses to defend your own positions. I have always owned pets, and when I lived in apartments, they were never allowed. That didn't stop me. I don't see why you can't move your pets into his house short-term for a few weeks. And I think he needs to insist his folks still continue their normal child care duties, rather than expecting ALL of it to fall to you.
2sunny Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 also- 3 weeks away for $300.00? wtf? to him a POSSIBLE (not even guaranteed) $300.00 is worth upsetting the routine of his son, parents, girlfriend, and niece? where are HIS priorities? where is the love? makes me wonder about where he's actually going and for what purpose and why he doesn't know for how long... hmmmm $300.00 :laugh: ya right...
Jilly Bean Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 also- 3 weeks away for $300.00? wtf? to him a POSSIBLE (not even guaranteed) $300.00 is worth upsetting the routine of his son, parents, girlfriend, and niece? I think it's $300 per week, Sunny. Which may be a lot of money to him... I'm still stuck on the no-door thing. lol
2sunny Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 I think it's $300 per week, Sunny. Which may be a lot of money to him... I'm still stuck on the no-door thing. lol oops - my bad... thanks for clarifying JB
hotgurl Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 I thought it was a three hundred dollar bonus. So would that mean on top of what he already makes.
Author lexi29 Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 As for the pets thing- no possible way to sneak them into my fiance's apartment for a few weeks. His landlord's daughter lives in the upstairs apartment. She would definately hear my cats (I have 3) running around or crying. I also have a dog and there is no yard I can turn her out in and at my place I have a fenced area with a shed for shelter that I turn the dog out in during the summer while I'm at work. THe rumor is the boss is giving a $300 per week bonus to his employees that do this away-job. So it would be $900 plus his normal paycheck with overtime. But again, the $300 per week bonus isn't guaranteed, his boss has told them NOTHING about this job, these are all rumors. It's not a huge amount of money but $900 on top of his normal pay plus overtime isnt' bad. If it were up to me, I'd tell him to skip the whole thing and just work locally (which is an option just no overtime and no bonus (if one actually exists anyway) yeah the no-door thing is definately weird! The apartment is a house that was converted to a duplex. The landlord's daughter lives upstairs and the down stairs (when it was a single house) was a kitchen, living room, dining room and a pantry maybe. The landlord didn't really convert it to a 2 bedroom apartment he just put curtains up for doors on the former dining room and pantry/office. His son's bedroom doesn't even have a closet. I hated the no-door thing- no privacy but I'm sort of used to it now. It was very clean though (and a lot of the places he looked at were either in a bad part of town or very dirty. It was also one of the few apartments that weren't in "apartment neighborhoods" meaning they are usually all grouped together and it is hard to find parking and its always very loud there. Not many people who own their own homes live in these areas. But the apartment he lives in is right next to a half million dollar house in a nice neighbor hood near the park his son likes to play at. So he sacrificed some things for location.
Walk Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 Board the pets, and stay at your fiances house? Have your fiance pay for the pet boarding for the 3 weeks? (cost about $22-30 a day for boarding where I live) Ask a relative to watch your pets for 1-3 weeks? Only one week? Every other day? Half the week? etc... Ask the friend who's house your staying at to feed/water, play with, your pets 3x a week, and you go the other 2x a week. Pay the friend to watch them for 3 weeks. Ask co-workers/friends/your family for a reliable, trustworthy babysitter who can watch the boy while you're at work. A baby sitter who can drive herself there, and doesn't have a mental illness. Find a day camp for the boy and ship him off for 3 weeks. Ask your boss to allow you to adjust your work schedule for a temporary situation so you can drop the boy off and pick him up each day. Or overnight camp for 1 week. Instead of taking full days off work (you said you didn't want to), ask for reduced hours to attend to family matters. Work 20-30 hours instead of 40+. That would allow you time to take care of your pets, allows for extra drive time, and will hopefully allow you more energy to take care of your soon to be step son.
Author lexi29 Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 also- 3 weeks away for $300.00? wtf? to him a POSSIBLE (not even guaranteed) $300.00 is worth upsetting the routine of his son, parents, girlfriend, and niece? where are HIS priorities? where is the love? makes me wonder about where he's actually going and for what purpose and why he doesn't know for how long... hmmmm $300.00 :laugh: ya right... I don't have any doubts as to where he's going. He works in construction. His boss told them they were going to X in July or August for this large project. Told them where they would be staying. That is ALL the information the boss has given them. He asked for volunteers (so he knows how many temp service workers he needs to hire) and told them they would be home on weekends. Not even the boss's two sons that work there have all the details. he told the two sons they would get a $300 per week bonus if they want so that is how the rumor started. No one knows is everyone is getting that deal or not. They don't know how long they will be there because its a construction job- depends on many factors, the weather, suppliers, etc. Also the boss was first talking about taking two separate crews up with him. One crew one week and taking another set of guys the next week so that more guys would be able to go. However not enough employees volunteered to take two separate groups.
Jilly Bean Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 He's building the new Michael Jackson Neverland Ranch, isn't he Lexi?!
Author lexi29 Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 quote=Walk;1764053]Board the pets, and stay at your fiances house? Have your fiance pay for the pet boarding for the 3 weeks? (cost about $22-30 a day for boarding where I live) Ask a relative to watch your pets for 1-3 weeks? Only one week? Every other day? Half the week? etc... Ask the friend who's house your staying at to feed/water, play with, your pets 3x a week, and you go the other 2x a week. Pay the friend to watch them for 3 weeks. Ask co-workers/friends/your family for a reliable, trustworthy babysitter who can watch the boy while you're at work. A baby sitter who can drive herself there, and doesn't have a mental illness. Find a day camp for the boy and ship him off for 3 weeks. Ask your boss to allow you to adjust your work schedule for a temporary situation so you can drop the boy off and pick him up each day. Or overnight camp for 1 week. Instead of taking full days off work (you said you didn't want to), ask for reduced hours to attend to family matters. Work 20-30 hours instead of 40+. That would allow you time to take care of your pets, allows for extra drive time, and will hopefully allow you more energy to take care of your soon to be step son. All great suggestions!! I wish I could find a day camp to send him. There are no overnight camps in the area and anything farther costs $ and I"m not paying for it and it would negate the reason my fiance is taking this job (to make the extra $). Realistically, I can't take any time off of work unless I pretend to be sick which I don't feel comfortable doing. I don't have ANY vacation time to use because I am taking 40 hours in September. And I currently only have 32 hours of vacation so I need to acrue 8 more hours by then (and you have to work 40 hr weeks with no unpaid leave to acrue vacation time) I could probably get away with taking 1 day off in three weeks but thats it. Also at work, I'm the only person in our office with my job. If I'm not there, my work doesn't get done. I have no back up. I will NEVER board my pets anywhere. I've known too many people who have boarded pets and the pets have died or gotten very ill while there. And I love my pets and am not going to stress them out for three weeks by sending them somewhere unfamiliar. I had asked my roommate to take care of them for the week and I'd pay her. She said no. She doesn't want the responsibility. (she's not the most agreeable person). My sister lives 6 hrs away, my parents live a few hours away and I can't take them there as my dad is allergic to cats. And I don't have any friends who live any closer to my house than I'll be so I don't want to ask them to drive there to take care of my animals. I don't have any relatives who live near me. Nor any neighbors that my roommate would let into her house:p As for a babysitter, I dont' feel I should have to pay one. Again, I love him dearly and buy him necessities (and fun stuff) so its not like I don't contribute financially to his life at times. I know we were getting married and he will be my step son (and then I won't have a problem paying for babysitters once we are actually married) but for now I would never ask my fiance to pay for tires for my car or repairs or for food for pets or vet bills because those are MY responsibilities and if he wants to work this job that requires him to be away (and not be able to take care of his son) then it is HIS responsibility to pay for a babysitter and I dont' think he'd go for it (except for paying his niece because she could use the money) Again I am going to talk to him tonight and tell him I am offering to watch his son for one week (because I"m really excited that it will be just the two of us for a week, I think it will make us even closer) but after that if he wants to keep working up there he will have to make other arrangements for overnight care.
Author lexi29 Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 He's building the new Michael Jackson Neverland Ranch, isn't he Lexi?! Wow, how did you know? I didn't think the word got out yet lol
Author lexi29 Posted July 28, 2008 Author Posted July 28, 2008 Well I am now thinking about calling things off (the wedding). I had a talk with my fiance about the going-away- for work situation and taking care of his son on friday. I tried to come up with a compromise. He told me that he was upset that his boss was only taking half a crew to the job starting this Monday (today) He had told his boss he wanted to go up with that crew but his boss said no, he would leave with the 2nd crew (still didn't tell him when that would be). He gave the other guys only two days notice of when they were leaving! Thats it. I was upset that my fiance had wanted to leave with the first crew as his son has been at his mother's all week and was due home on Sunday at 6pm. So my fiance would only see his son sunday evening and then would have left for work on monday and I would have only had two days notice that I'd be responsible for his son for the next 4 weeks!! Also his son had the chance to stay with his mother for another week and go to an amusement park and he chose not to because he missed his dad so much. And yet his dad would hear that and leave on monday anyway. Didn't make sense to me! Anyway I proposed the idea of me watching him for a week or so and then seeing how that went and if it was ok I could do it for longer but couldn't watch him the entire month. (My fiance will be home on weekends). I suggested other solutions such as having his aunt watch him for a week, his mother could take him for a week etc. Instead of compromising, my fiance got mad at ME. He said I am being selfish and that since we are getting married he expects me to WANT to take care of his son. That if we were married I'd have that responsibility. Which is true and I explained to him that if we currently lived together I would watch his son the entire time but the circumstances don't permit me to be able to handle all my other responsibilities and watch his son for the entire four weeks. If we lived together nothing in my life would change (I'd be able to take care of my home and his son at the same time (and my pets). He got upset because he thinks my pets are more important than his son. I tried to explain its not the case, but they are MY responsibility and I can't neglect them, nor can I take days off work to accomodate watching his son. He said that since it is "too much for me" he will just pay someone to watch him the entire four weeks or try to talk his parents into doing it (they already said no). He was going to ask his niece to come over and stay and watch him (with me) but he hasnt' even asked her yet and when I told him he'd have to pay her anyway he said that no, he wouldn't she's always done it for free in the past. I couldn't believe he'd expect anyone (other than myself or his parents) to watch his son for an entire month for free! He said that he'd probably give her $50 for doing it and that she has nothing better to do ( she has no job but she does have a boyfriend and I"m sure an 18 yr old girl would rather spend the summer with her boyfriend instead of watching her 9 yr old cousin.) He kept saying he wasn't mad at me, just irritated that I act like it is such a big deal to watch his son. That I will be his family soon and that he thought he could count on me. He acted like I should just drop all of MY responsibilities to take care of his son. He said he is stressed out because his boss will not tell them any details and he doesn't think his boss is offering to let anyone work locally now because he is taking everyone with him to this job. So either he has to go or he will be sitting at home for a month with NO money coming in. So I understand he HAS to go if that is the case. But his total lack of understanding of my point of view and inability to compromise (he still hasnt' asked anyone else or made back up plans for a babysitter) has just made me see him in a very negative light and I'm not sure I want to go through with this.
nicki Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 There is a bigger issue at stake here. I wonder: how will he be able to handle issues/conflicts once you get married? I understand that he thinks you are responsible for his son because you will soon be his step-mom. True. But he needs to talk through the situation. As it stands now, he wants you to care about his point of view, without giving your concerns fair consideration. It's a complete family situation, including grandparents and relatives. His parents should continue on with their prior arrangement, not take a vacation from the whole commitment just because you are around. But, if they won't, they won't, and he should at least see the logic in that they do have some ongoing responsibility which they are walking away from. He can comiserate with you if they won't help, and then figure out what you TWO can do TOGETHER to make it work for you to be there for four weeks. How about doing what Walk and other posters have said? Hire a daily babysitter, or arrange day camps. (Check local rec centers and YMCAs.) He pays. Arrange for a pet sitter to come to your place. He pays. You stay at his house and keep house for four weeks, going to and from work, and, if possible, taking off a few days here and there. Think about what you need to make it work for the whole time of the son being your responsibility. Then ask him for those things. He should bear the burden of the costs, and you bear all the effort and responsibility of caring for his son like a mom, including the cost and preparation of meals, etc. It's not fair for him to dump it all in your lap. Tell him you will take care of your soon to be step-son, but you need help in making it work. If he won't help you, then he is not acting like a good partner.
nicki Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 I called off my wedding due to my fiance having the same kind of mindset. It's frustrating. It's not usually about what they say it is. Like in your case, it's not about the son and you taking care of him. Of course you will do that. It's about making it work and having him treat what you want and need as important. If he can't work together as a partner and care about your opinion as much as he does his own, then he is being selfish. If you have a concern, he should be problem solving with you, not blaming you. If you do continue to try to work this out, maybe point out how that this is the real issue at play.
Author lexi29 Posted July 28, 2008 Author Posted July 28, 2008 You hit the nail right on the head with this- If he can't work together as a partner and care about your opinion as much as he does his own, then he is being selfish. If you have a concern, he should be problem solving with you, not blaming you. this is exactly why I am considering calling things off. I totally understand that he is stressed because his boss hasn't given them ANY details of the job and when they will be leaving etc. He is going to talk to him today. So I've tried to be understanding. But because of the circumtances (we don't live together and I can't take his son to my place, I have several pets and can't bring them to his place etc) it is a big disruption/hassle on my part to be resposible for his son for an entire month on my own. That combined with his parents backing out of watching him (some of it is legitimate) is just too much for me. And the problem is that instead of compromising he is trying to make me feel guilty about the situation. Instead of seeing it from My point of view and trying to think of solutions he acted like I was being selfish because I was making his life more difficult. (but he didnt' mind that me watching his son for a month would make MY life more difficult). He told me he isn't mad at me for my way of thinking just irritated that he has to make other plans. I asked him if we should call things off and he said no, that one minor disagreement doesn't change his feelings for me. But actually it is making me doubt my feelings for him.
carhill Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 Watch out for the guilt and manipulation thing. Best to see that clearly before signing the marriage license It's a phrase I've used often in MC. Don't be me
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