wanttoknow Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 It has been a while since I have posted here, but my marriage continues to go and we are continuing to work. We have things that we are individually working on and for the most part, I continue to believe that things will work out as God sees fit. I do have something that I want to throw out to those with similar problems or to those who feel they have more insight. My wife dislikes her family greatly, and has been dependent on them for much during her life. They are very manipulative and controlling and her father is the worst one. This is one of the things counseling is exploring. I am understanding now that there was an underlying expectation for me to fulfill things that father did not and of course that just does not work whatsoever!! So, now, it is worse than ever and my wife continues to spiral a bit. I know what she needs is intense counseling, but any insight for me? Anybody in a similar spot or experiencing the same family problems? I am in a catch 22 because there are things that I want to say and do, but fall on deaf ears just because she doesn't see herself the right way - they destroyed her insides and it kills me to see her struggle. It has affected us - and I am not blaming her because God knows that I am not perfect by any means. one of my goals now is to try and be a better husband - and yet just not sure sometimes what to do. I am getting to the point that I am becoming a little more assertive and just being positive, but just wanted to hear some other thoughts! thanks!
Author wanttoknow Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 Okay - so here is another thing that I wanted to add into this - she had a friend - who is older and we began going out for a few dinners and such. and we were all friends. Now it is really more my wife and this guy who are checking in on each other - saying that it is really about looking for that father figure that she never had - is this a red flag? nothing there that seems to be more than that, but there have been times when she has not told me they talked or met - just making sure that I am not being paranoid. I have my own insecurity issues that I am dealing with, so these things get confusing to me!
Mr. Lucky Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 So, now, it is worse than ever and my wife continues to spiral a bit. I know what she needs is intense counseling, but any insight for me? Anybody in a similar spot or experiencing the same family problems? I am in a catch 22 because there are things that I want to say and do, but fall on deaf ears just because she doesn't see herself the right way - they destroyed her insides and it kills me to see her struggle. Doesn't make sense. Don't know your W's circumstances but people arise from all kinds of incredibly challenging circumstances and go on to live happy and fulfilling lives. Your claim that they "destroyed her insides" simply cements her status as a victim. As an adult, she's responsible for her own choices, including whether on not she associates with her family and how she deals with issues from her past. As you're finding out, martyrdom isn't fun for either the martyr or those close to her... Mr. Lucky
whichwayisup Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 she had a friend - who is older and we began going out for a few dinners and such. and we were all friends. Now it is really more my wife and this guy who are checking in on each other This is trouble for your marriage. Get her away from this guy!!
Zolar Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 I come from a really horrible family. I haven't had anything to do with them in years. Mine are the kind that could kill and get away with it and my father is very violent, controlling, manipulative and hateful. He hates women and he has especially always hated me even since the moment I drew my first breath. It takes years to come to terms with such a father. I hear people say things like once you're an adult you're responsible for your own thoughts/emotions, etc. This is true, but it takes years to work out years of emotional damage that started on a subconscious level as an infant. The best thing I ever did was put hundreds an sometimes thousands of miles between us. If I have contact with my father I am frequently re-injured by him. If your wife could stay away from the family, both of your lives will be better. Also, another man is a bad sign. She will probably respect you more if you tell her that you think their relationship is inappropriate. Remind her how much you care about her. I have always tried to find men who are as much unlike my father as possible. But, I just left a relationship where after 8 years the guy started acting like my dad. The first thing I did was look for a life-raft - someone who could understand me and relieve the pressure for a few minutes. Ultimately, I escaped this guy. But, the pattern in my life is that men eventually turn controlling and then violent - like my father. It's a nightmare. I can't figure out if I *make* these guys nuts or if I just attract men who have problems that they are able to hide for years. The ex told me that it was the latter, that he had been hiding his true self from me for 8 years! But, now I just make sure that the men I date are small. I don't date anyone over about 5'5". I don't know if there is a cure for those of us who come from really screwed up families... I just don't know. Good luck!
Darth Vader Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 I don't know if your wife and the other guy have had sex, yet, but, without sounding controling, you can ask her how would she feel if you started hanging around another woman who is very sexy and HOT! Then tell her that's the way you're feeling, like she's getting too close to this guy, beware though, she's likely to say "we're just friends"! That's a major RED FLAG right there.
Author wanttoknow Posted July 28, 2008 Author Posted July 28, 2008 Okay, I want to thank you for the advice and since, we have had a few heart to heart talks. I know that part of my problem stems from my insecurities, but we did discuss the whole thing and I was quite honest with her. I know how difficult things are for her at times and as long as I am included - then I really do not have a problem. I have done some more searching and talking to make sure that we are in a safe and honest time and we are doing a better job right now. There are plenty of issues, as long as I worry most about what I can DO to make things better, to be a better man and be CONSISTENT, then I know we can be okay. It really developed into a codependent type of situation. I have had enough counseling to know that codependents usually end up creating the same type of home they had growing up - for the one person who responded about attracting the wrong type of man, well in a way it is a subconscious thing. Trying to find somebody similar to one who wronged us as kids and trying to fix that part of our lives that we no longer can. I know as long as we continue to talk - we will be able to get through this as two happy people - whether we stay together or not. That would be the best for all - especially our kids! So we stay committed and that I am confident of today!!!!
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