TalkLikeLion Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 Trying to sort this out a bit here..apologies for the rambling. This. Is. Not. My. Fault. You guys have said it, my mother has said it, his ex has said it, my best friend has said it. And yet, the doubts keep coming. He didn't even keep me around as long as most of them. Now, logically, I can answer this easily. It was because I started picking up on what he was doing, I started asking him about it, and I was hitting the nail on the head without realizing it, so he panicked and pushed me away. He didn't need a victim that was figuring everything out. I guess I was too smart for him, which is why he needed to belittle me and have the last word. I will have the true last word though, because when he decides it was a mistake getting rid of me, when he calls me and says he's sorry, I won't deal with it. I need so much support with that one, because I know his voice will make me want him back all over again. It will make me want to believe him. But THIS IS NOT MY FAULT. Right? When someone tears your life apart, wears down your self esteem and self worth, makes you feel ugly, cheats on you, lies to you, asks his ex to have his children while you're visiting him, and lies about even dating you, it isn't your fault, right? Must. Keep. Saying. This. Because the doubts resurface and I keep wanting to tell myself that I wasn't smart enough, that I was a fool to be played like this. What an idiot I've been. I'm scared I'll never trust again, guys.
Geishawhelk Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 TalkLikeLion? Act Like Lion. Have Pride. :Thumbsup: !
Author TalkLikeLion Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 unfortunately my name speaks nothing for my personality, for which "sacrifice like lamb" would work better. But you're right . Pride. That is something I need to work on.
Geishawhelk Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 Pride, Self-esteem, dignity, self respect. These are qualities we forget about all too easily, both when it comes to other people, and ourselves. But you know what? It feels kind of good that - even if others 'forget themselves' out of carelessness, bad manners or downright selfishness - we owe it to ourselves to keep it, and bear it, in mind. For our own happiness, we need to remain dignified, Proud of whom we are, have self esteem, and self-respect. Go for it. You have everything to gain, and nothing to lose. Except a loser.
ioncebelieved Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 I was told for so long that is was not me, it was her and I am starting to finally believe it!!! Looking back at things I was a great man that some wonderful women will not overlook! Just keep believing what those close to tell you. You need that building up.
justaman99 Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 Pride, Self-esteem, dignity, self respect. These are qualities we forget about all too easily, both when it comes to other people, and ourselves. That's strange. My ex always told me that pride was a bad thing and so was an ego. I get having a huge ego and being cocky is bad but is having a slight ego (confidence) and having pride bad? She convinced me it was. Maybe it was her way of pushing me down. -Just
kizik Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 When someone tears your life apart, wears down your self esteem and self worth, makes you feel ugly, cheats on you, lies to you, asks his ex to have his children while you're visiting him, and lies about even dating you, it isn't your fault, right? It's your fault if you stay in the R. We all have to learn the hard way. YES- being mistreated IS our own fault, b/c we didn't have the self-respect to say, "Hey. F*ck you if you're going to treat me like this. I'm outta here. Good luck."
Author TalkLikeLion Posted July 26, 2008 Author Posted July 26, 2008 It's your fault if you stay in the R. We all have to learn the hard way. YES- being mistreated IS our own fault, b/c we didn't have the self-respect to say, "Hey. F*ck you if you're going to treat me like this. I'm outta here. Good luck." Alas, my friend, my situation is different. I didn't stay in the relationship. It is gone, done, and very much over. But I didn't find out all of this until afterwards. And unfortunately, it's going to take a lot of therapy for me to realize that I don't deserve the abuse that is given to me. Physical and emotional abuse are only things that I realize are bad (directed toward me) when I can separate me from myself, which doesn't happen often. Oh no darling, believe me. Now that I've found all of this out, there is a VERY large F*ck you out there for this man. VERY large.
borelandkaren Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 Trying to sort this out a bit here..apologies for the rambling. This. Is. Not. My. Fault. You guys have said it, my mother has said it, his ex has said it, my best friend has said it. And yet, the doubts keep coming. He didn't even keep me around as long as most of them. Now, logically, I can answer this easily. It was because I started picking up on what he was doing, I started asking him about it, and I was hitting the nail on the head without realizing it, so he panicked and pushed me away. He didn't need a victim that was figuring everything out. I guess I was too smart for him, which is why he needed to belittle me and have the last word. I will have the true last word though, because when he decides it was a mistake getting rid of me, when he calls me and says he's sorry, I won't deal with it. I need so much support with that one, because I know his voice will make me want him back all over again. It will make me want to believe him. But THIS IS NOT MY FAULT. Right? When someone tears your life apart, wears down your self esteem and self worth, makes you feel ugly, cheats on you, lies to you, asks his ex to have his children while you're visiting him, and lies about even dating you, it isn't your fault, right? Must. Keep. Saying. This. Because the doubts resurface and I keep wanting to tell myself that I wasn't smart enough, that I was a fool to be played like this. What an idiot I've been. I'm scared I'll never trust again, guys. Go onto the abuse forum. Under the heading "What do I do" is a post written by redfathom titled "The Loser." I think you may find what you're looking for there. I was with a guy who did what I think may have been much the same as what yours did. And I was too smart for him in lots of ways too. As soon as I gave up smoking pot, I couldn't tolerate the b/s anymore and left. I still hurt like hell, though and this was 4 months ago now. You will trust again and you have not been an idiot, anymore than I or anyone else who have been targeted by a psychopath is. Time is the biggest factor in recovery and it will happen for you. I've been gone for a long time now and although I still think about him every waking hour, it's not to the same degree. I'm actually trolling around on dating sites as well, now, not necessarily thinking about anything or anyone in particular but just having a look and seeing what's out there. My biggest problem is that because he completely infected everything from the way I think, to the way I view the world, I can't see anything out there that is as appealing to me as he was and the ones I do find appealing, look like him. I know this will change, though with time and this is what I'm going to give myself. Doesn't mean I have to do anything about anything but I may find some nice mates out of it too, as a worst case scenario. Maybe get a bit, too! I'm missing that more than him, I think, at the moment!!!:laugh:
D-Lish Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 I know so many people that remain in relationships that are both unhealthy and demeaning... Please give yourself a whole lot of credit for standing up for yourself and saying- no matter how hard it might be to say "NO"... you have no qualms about saying "NO". That's a pretty big freakin' step in my opinion. One of the first rules of therapy is recognizing the problem. You've done that, and kicked it to the curb. Do you know how many people can't even recognize that a problem even exists? Lots- believe me. Many human beings live in denial. And they go through life oblivious to why they are miserable. Those people make the same mistakes over and over again, and just never get why... I've always thought that it is much harder for people with insight and foresight to deal with heartache. Simply because they are emotionally and intellectually capable of dissecting and analysing complicated matters...This, of course presents more of an obstacle to the healing process. One can simply ask "why me??? ".... or one can actually deal with the issues from beginning to end- often beginning at childhood, tearing apart family dynamics, and engaging in a whole lot of introspection. Am I sort of saying that the smarter, more in touch people get hit the hardest with pain? Sort of. Do more emotionally developed individuals take longer to heal? I think they do. But I also think that the people that take the time to "deal" with everything- will also come out on top in the end. I'm not an idiot- I feel things deeply. I understand people- and I understand myself... Meh- sometimes having that insight make me kick myself in the ass even harder than someone who lives most of their life on the surface. You don't sound to me like someone who lives on the surface. You sound to me like someone who is capable of 'dealing' and seeing the whole picture from beginning to end. In the long run- the ones capable of doing that will be the ones who don't make the same mistakes over and over again. You're angry now... very nice. That's progress. I know you know that. And hey- everyone has baggage- but you're on top of things when you recognize exactly what that baggage is. So when someone important and worthy comes along- you'll be prepared to make sure it doesn't get in the way of a possible loving relationship. Hang in hun- and by all means- stay angry. It's where you are supposed to be right now.
Author TalkLikeLion Posted July 26, 2008 Author Posted July 26, 2008 I know so many people that remain in relationships that are both unhealthy and demeaning... Please give yourself a whole lot of credit for standing up for yourself and saying- no matter how hard it might be to say "NO"... you have no qualms about saying "NO". That's a pretty big freakin' step in my opinion. One of the first rules of therapy is recognizing the problem. You've done that, and kicked it to the curb. Do you know how many people can't even recognize that a problem even exists? Lots- believe me. Many human beings live in denial. And they go through life oblivious to why they are miserable. Those people make the same mistakes over and over again, and just never get why... I've always thought that it is much harder for people with insight and foresight to deal with heartache. Simply because they are emotionally and intellectually capable of dissecting and analysing complicated matters...This, of course presents more of an obstacle to the healing process. One can simply ask "why me??? ".... or one can actually deal with the issues from beginning to end- often beginning at childhood, tearing apart family dynamics, and engaging in a whole lot of introspection. Am I sort of saying that the smarter, more in touch people get hit the hardest with pain? Sort of. Do more emotionally developed individuals take longer to heal? I think they do. But I also think that the people that take the time to "deal" with everything- will also come out on top in the end. I'm not an idiot- I feel things deeply. I understand people- and I understand myself... Meh- sometimes having that insight make me kick myself in the ass even harder than someone who lives most of their life on the surface. You don't sound to me like someone who lives on the surface. You sound to me like someone who is capable of 'dealing' and seeing the whole picture from beginning to end. In the long run- the ones capable of doing that will be the ones who don't make the same mistakes over and over again. You're angry now... very nice. That's progress. I know you know that. And hey- everyone has baggage- but you're on top of things when you recognize exactly what that baggage is. So when someone important and worthy comes along- you'll be prepared to make sure it doesn't get in the way of a possible loving relationship. Hang in hun- and by all means- stay angry. It's where you are supposed to be right now. I agree with you completely about those who are deeper being hit harder. I've always been able to analyze and pick through my problems, and it does make it worse. When you can recognize the issues and yet still not be able to convince yourself to feel better... well, I agree completely. I'm glad that you said that- I sometimes wonder if it's unhealthy how much I pick through my issues. I know my mental problems better than most people know theirs, I just don't know what to do to make the pain and the hurt fade. Thank you. It's getting better day by day, and I just keep hoping that the pangs will stop. I don't even want anger anymore- I just want the past to be the past. Unfortunately, it isn't that easy =/
Geishawhelk Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 That's strange. My ex always told me that pride was a bad thing and so was an ego. I get having a huge ego and being cocky is bad but is having a slight ego (confidence) and having pride bad? She convinced me it was. Maybe it was her way of pushing me down. -Just There are good and bad sides to everything. Pride and Ego are tools we need, to be able to hold our heads up in any situation and say "I'm worth something here, and I do deserve to be happy." Which is different to the Pride and Ego which say, "I'm worth a lot more than you, and I deserve to be happy, even if it means making you miserable." Pride and Ego are only harmful if we use them as weapons against others, living under the presumption that others don't matter. Pride and Ego are desirable qualities if they permit us to see that we are not 'below' any one else, but there again, we aren't superior either.
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