solostinGA Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 My boyfriend of 8 years, who has been divorced for 10 years is currently, as I type spending the evening with his ex-wife and his kids. As it is stated above it doesn't sound so bad, but let me explain more. His son has been with him all summer. Now his children and ex live 7 hours away. So last week his son tells me that his mom is coming to get him on Wednesday (yesterday) and staying until Friday maybe Saturday, and they are all going to the lake. The BF take two days vacation to do this. The problem I have is, I always go to his house on Thursdays and come back on Mondays, but i was told it would not be a good idea for me to be there this weekend, and that he (the bf) would call me and let me know when they leave and I could come up then. He made me feel like "the other woman" and I am supposed to be his only woman. I am sort of heart sick atm and I just don't know what to do. Is this behavior odd or do men just not think about the way women see things, and am I being unreasonable?
Ronni_W Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 Just a guess that he is doing it for his kids...not at all for or about her. (Not saying that he "hates" her or anything, probably just couldn't care one way or the other.) It doesn't matter if others find it "normal" or "abnormal"...the significant thing is that HE, your partner, feels in his heart that it is necessary. Definitely there are some issues that men and women seem to be a million miles apart, in their respective perceptions. Or maybe it isn't solely a gender difference but a number of other factors, too. Nonetheless, do what you can to overcome your "heart sickness" -- you ARE his only woman, and have been for 8 years. So, just be the woman that you want to be, that he fell for...I'm guessing along the lines of confident, self-reliant, understanding, compassionate, supportive, appreciative and admiring of what a great Dad he is, and such. Right?
Keridan Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 I agree with Ronni here. I also want to say that there is no harm in talking to him (calmly) about this. If he is worried about his kids, then maybe you should see if you can get to know the ex so that being around her around them isn't a problem for them. It sounds like you get on fine with them and you obviously love him. My mom and step-mom got along great while I was growing up. It made things easier most of the time. They said they enjoyed having my sisters and me as something they could share.
Author solostinGA Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 Thanks. I honestly have nothing against her, she is a very nice person the times I have been around her. I just don't understand why he says he always feel put in the middle of us. I know she doesn't like me his son told me that. He told me she blames me for their divorce, but I didn't even know anything about them until I met him afterwards. I will continue to be supportive of him and do whatever he wants. The sad part is I tried to talk to him about this last weekend when I was there, but he just blows up and says he is tired of always being in the middle of me and her. I am so close to telling him that I can fix that problem and removing myself completely.
Keridan Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 Well, it's a hard situation you got there. Emotions are already high and there isn't much you can do about that part. Try not to get caught up in it. Maybe make a nice, but innocent gesture to her? See if you can get to know her a little bit without making him take part? I think it would be understandable if you chose to pull out, but that doesn't mean it's the best thing to do. Make sure you let everything calm down a bit first and see if it's fixable with a new approach before giving up. You've stayed with him 8 years. You must not give up too easily!
carhill Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 OP, tell me about the last special thing/activity your BF did just for you to make you feel like "his only woman".... There's a lot of history under this bridge and the ex and kids have always been there, so methinks something else is going on...
Author solostinGA Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 Sadly, I can not think of anything and now I am questioning why I have put myself through all of this heartache. I don't think there is anything physical going on right now. She is the one who left him and he has very hard feelings about that, but if I am honest with myself I do have to question that their could be something emotional there, and to me that is as bad as a physical relationship. I will definately give it a few days, and let my emotions settle before I make any permanent decisions. I do know if you don't nurture a plant it will die, and I feel the same way about relationships and love. One person can not do it alone, no matter how hard they try.
Ronni_W Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 I just don't understand why he says he always feel put in the middle of us. I know she doesn't like me his son told me that. ...I tried to talk to him about this last weekend when I was there, but he just blows up and says he is tired of always being in the middle of me and her. SHE is the one that is causing him to feel "put in the middle"...if the kid knows she doesn't like you, and you know she (irrationally) blames you for her misery -- imagine what she is putting your partner through! I wouldn't suggest reaching out to her without his express knowledge and approval -- SHE is causing him enough stress about getting on with an ex in ways that are good for the kids AND keeping his current woman happy, and his stressed reaction may cause him to perceive any compassionate, conciliatory gesture on your part as just another instance of his being "put in the middle". HER attitudes and actions are causing him to blow up about the situation, regardless of whether it is you or her talking about it. I don't suspect there are any POSITIVE emotions going on between them. Possibly even, he is allowing her to manipulate him because of the kids. I do love the idea of just doing what you can to bring in some "fresh love" into your own relationship -- start making a list of little ways that you two can reconnect. I'm suggesting "little" so as to ease him out of the crap that has been going on for him, instead of bombarding his over-burdened psyche and possibly having that misinterpreted as just another onslaught. Ice cream in the park, back and/or foot rubs, movie and popcorn at home type of stuff. Or pizza and beer by candlelight -- make it work for both of you. Best luck.
carhill Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 I don't think there is anything physical going on right now. She is the one who left him and he has very hard feelings about that, but if I am honest with myself I do have to question that their could be something emotional there, and to me that is as bad as a physical relationship. Sorry OP, I didn't mean to infer that there was something going on with he and his ex, rather something else going on in your relationship. My advice? Tell him what you want (be reasonable) to make you feel special, as you well deserve as his longtime partner, and then provide him with some examples. IOW, give what you want, like another poster suggested. Do it freely and without expectation and, adjunct to communicating your needs, see if he gets it. IMO, it's not your job to deal with his feelings for or relationship with his ex; that's his issue. He's a man. He can handle an ex. If he wants a healthy relationship with you, he has to be willing and able to live it and do the work required to retain your very valuable love and attention. How does that sound?
tinke Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 Not to be a wet blanket here, but this is the perfect opportunity for him to display your importance in his life. By keeping things your "normal" routine, he would send a message to her and the children of your significance and status in the relationship. Otherwise, it appears (to her also, I would guesss), that you take second stage. Having been in a similar situation, I do understand your feelings. The attention, etc. seems to be going towards "them", when it seems it should be a good balance with all concerened. It may be completely harmless, but appearance speaks all. I do understand your concern (women know women).
Author solostinGA Posted August 10, 2008 Author Posted August 10, 2008 Just thought I would post a note to let everyone, that maybe it was just me. After the ex and the kids left on that Friday, he seemed so much more relaxed and more himself. He even told me today that she will most likely be getting married soon. Maybe, he need some sort of closure, I don't know. I am just glad he is back to his old self. Thank you all so much for your concern and you feed back.
Author solostinGA Posted August 10, 2008 Author Posted August 10, 2008 Oh I just hope I am not being blind, but if I am I am choosing to let the past be the past, right or wrong I just can't dwell on it anymore it seems too much baggage to carry.
Ronni_W Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 I am choosing to let the past be the past, That is SMART and WISE . Sending hugs and good wishes.
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