saraispiel19 Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 Well heaven's to Betsy I knew one day it was going to come but never this soon-- my mother-in law is comming tommorrow. And well I have no guest room ready; sure we have a play room where my daughter keeps her toys and I've been thinking of putting a pullout in there for company, but there isn't a pullout nor an air mattress. My husband says not to worry about but I'm going to be the one with her the whole entire day- on top of that she is scared when it comes to driving, she's a grown woman for goodness sake! So that means no rental and stuck at home with someone telling me this and that. Don't get me wrong she isn't the "Mother In Law From Hell" but she definately kills you with some sort of passive aggressiveness with a touch of kindness (hope that makes sense). She's the type that won't stop going on and on about how I did not breastfeed my daughter long enough-- and talks and talks and talks and doesn't let you say one word-- and gives you a ton of advice and says "oh I don't mean to be nosey". I cannot win with her-- and it's not like it's a battle of wits... it's just she doesn't let me say my piece. Oh and once her little golden child (my husband) steps into the room it's a totally different persona. Then again should I really be complaining-- she has been generous and "kind" but I feel that everything comes with a price and I'm damn sure I'm going to pay once she's here and my husband is out of sight. I don't hate her, I'm just not too keen about her-- hope you got that all. Any advice, tips?
porter218 Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 If you feel like you have done a good job raising your baby, then just tell her exactly that. Don't feel like you have to win her over or put on an act for her. If my mother-in-law(or even my own mother) had one bad thing to say about how I run my household or how I raise my kids I would tell them "this is how I choose to do things and it works for me...when you run this house or take care of my kids then you may feel free to unload your grievances but until then leave it up to me." Do it nicely though.
carhill Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 This is a good exercise. My mom was a strong-willed woman and no woman, wife or not, was ever good enough for her only child Simple solution was that I consistently and forcibly placed the woman I was dating, and later my wife, in a position where I expected my mother's respect for them, even when I wasn't around. I might have been her son, but I was a man, and I don't tolerate poor behavior to someone I care about. In reality, that's what your describing, though people tend to dismiss it as "typical MIL" behavior. The key is that your husband has to set the tone with his mother. Trust me, she'll follow his lead. Your job is not to complain but rather ask for what you want. You'll likely get other opinions, but this one is from a guy who had (she's in an Alzheimer's facility now) a mother who was a problem with the women I dated and later my wife.
porter218 Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 This is a good exercise. My mom was a strong-willed woman and no woman, wife or not, was ever good enough for her only child Simple solution was that I consistently and forcibly placed the woman I was dating, and later my wife, in a position where I expected my mother's respect for them, even when I wasn't around. I might have been her son, but I was a man, and I don't tolerate poor behavior to someone I care about. In reality, that's what your describing, though people tend to dismiss it as "typical MIL" behavior. The key is that your husband has to set the tone with his mother. Trust me, she'll follow his lead. Your job is not to complain but rather ask for what you want. You'll likely get other opinions, but this one is from a guy who had (she's in an Alzheimer's facility now) a mother who was a problem with the women I dated and later my wife. Absolutely true carhill. But I also beleive you should command respect yourself. I have always expected nothing but respect from my in-laws and they have noticed and appreciated the fact that I was so sure about how I ran my life that they began to beleive I must be right. I am the only woman that they have ever openly approved of for their son and this was the very reason...how I handled their original attempts to discredit me.
Author saraispiel19 Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 Oh lordy- well I am not catty to her in anyway even when she's talking my head off. If I do she runs to her son telling her I was rude or seem to not like her. I'm the only girl she's ever really gotten to meet and get to know so I get to break her in... Maybe it's just an In-Law thing. Who knows? But I do know I'll take any advice I recieve. Thanks guys!
carhill Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 But I also beleive you should command respect yourself I found the team approach to work the best, with my wife. Unfortunately, my mom was well on her way to being demented before she truly began to appreciate my wife's real strengths and value. I can say that now even though we (wife and I) don't get on too well currently. You're absolutely right about expecting/commanding respect. Just like you, the OP deserves respect and should expect and command it. Perhaps my situation was a byproduct of the long and close relationship I had with my mother prior to getting married, much longer and closer than most men my age. I had no problem putting her in her place when she needed it. We had/have no unfinished business. I hope things go well for the OP tomorrow
Author saraispiel19 Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 I can say that now even though we (wife and I) don't get on too well currently...... Oh goodness how come? Hope you guys are getting better...wouldn't want a sad carhill thread on the seperation forums I hope things go well for the OP tomorrow Maybe if I sing songs in my head everything will go by quicker:laugh:
carhill Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 No worries. One can respect and love someone even if incompatibilities are overwhelmingly apparent and irreconcilable. I'm still hopeful OP, this woman will be in your life until she's dead, since you and hubby have children. Actions and attitudes developed now will set the pace for the rest of your lives. IME, mothers don't alter their behaviors of their own volition, especially as they age. Mine got more cranky and opinionated as time went by Stand your ground. It's hard, but you'll be glad you did...
vintagecat Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 Check to see if you have a bed and breakfast in your neighborhood (within a walkable distance) that you can pay to have your MIL stay in. We did that with my husband's folks when they came to stay for a few weeks about 10 years ago and our house was torn up in remodeling. We have done it ever since. It is much better for everyone. We have our privacy and being evening people, his parents being morning folks our different schedules and personal habits don't create additional issues. And yes I do completely understand the passive aggressive "kindness" and "helpful" comments that grate and sting. Good luck with the visit.
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